You called your parents, told them to get you.
I asked you to pack your stuff, my dad was coming to renew the room.
We argued over your assumptions,
By then i didn’t have it in me to care anymore.

I let you continue your behavior of throwing things like a child.
Temper tantrum’s and screams.
Didn’t know I was with a child.

So many false promises and failing to realize the situation at hand.
Now here I stay trying to clear my name of the lies you told to “save” yourself.

I never wanted to hate you,
But never did I expect you to **** my life the way you did.
I wish you’d stop lying.
Harassing me in the false pretenses you have.

Maybe one day you’ll grow up.
One day I hope you don’t scare them like you did me.
Maybe you’ll truly love them the way I loved you.

I will see you in court the next time we meet.
And I will be anything but sweet.

I wake from my nightmares.
Nightly sweats and ragged breath.
Terror trembles throughout my body.
Scenes echo in my mind.

Then a soft touch to my back.
I turn to look at a smile.
Simple, bright, and honest to the core.
Hazel-green eyes stare through in worry.

I give a sly grin.
Turning my head, I cried.
Gut-wrenching sobs escape my lips.
Desperate to contain what’s inside.

There it was again though.
Her hand on my shoulder.
Her lips make out words.
Encouragement and sweet nothings, perhaps?

I hadn’t woke up.
It was a dream too.

I wished you’d leave me be.
I wished you’d stop trying to message.
Please keep your distance!

It doesn’t make sense to me, you tell me you’ll leave and never try again.
Yet here you are.
Why?

You message late at night before I fall asleep.
Then all I’m left with at the end of the phone call is emptiness.
You take my answers and change it to something different.

You don’t want my answers, you never did and that’s okay..
But why give you that respect of my honor when you lied from the beginning?
Oh because I did worse.

If it was ALL my fault then why can’t you go..
If I am such a horrible person the why can’t you stop messaging.
You said it yourself.
So go.

Lessons were learned,
Tears were shed.
People come and go,
And we still move forward.
We know what has happened,
Now it’s time to let go.

Toxic.
Unreliable.
Untrustworthy.
Liar.

Yet I love you still,
You held me up while I drowned myself.
I crave your touch,
Wanting an ounce of affection.

I believed you were the second chance.
Turns out i ended up another romance.
Added to YOUR list.

You threw me in jail,
And I couldn’t get a bail.
You betrayed the one person who loved you for everything you had,
Just wanted the better for you before it turned bad.

Which it did.
I have to fight three charges of the lies you told.
I hate you and myself.
No amount of talking can fix what is done.

So as I sit here making these poems and trying to push past what I feel,
I sit there from time to time a cry about what happened.
You think it’s over the girl you messaged.

If you could only see past that..

Do you understand how hard it is for someone?
The ability they have to conquer any situation.
To face not only the outside world, but themselves.

The toxicity of their bad habits clinging onto them for dear life.
Pulling and scratching to control,
Fight back with everything they have.

But it’s those days where they are able to win the fight.
The feeling of accomplishment.
Rejoicing in the ambience.

Thankful and grateful.
Now they keep going.
Forward.

I held on for so long,
Letting myself be bruised and cut.
Broken and left to myself, which was the best decision you made for me.
Which choosing what I do is what you did best.

I cannot tell you that I never loved you or prove my lie when I say I don’t care.
Truth be told, you were everything and so much more than I can express.

You were the second person I fell in love with. My whole soul felt at peace once again, attempting to regain what I could get back.
The love I gave was unexpected to say the least.

Since leaving though.
I can’t help but feel the weight off my chest.
Knowing I did my best to tell you what I needed.
And you wanted to keep hurting me..

Regardless of it being intentional or not,
You couldn’t catch yourself while saying it.
And I had to let you go.

I’m terrified of thoughts of you,
Believing that I am not worthy of them.
Two days till your birthday,
And I’m still lost.
I accepted the lies that were told,
I wasn’t strong enough to ward their thoughts.
I’m sorry.

The melody plays.
Transporting my mind to memories and vast emotions.
Singing the words I know all too well.

Lost in a trance,
My hips start to sway.
Every lyric touching my core,
Pushing out every emotion held in.

Feeling the love of country,
The hate from metal and rock,
Sadness of depressive alternative,
And,
Happiness of every favorite song played.

Bars and choruses played in perfect harmony,
Bass and snare in sync.
Theses are all happening at once.
A mini party of your own accord.

Our conversations,
it’s like a breath of fresh air.
Trying to hate you as we talk and I can’t help but look at you.
Your features on your face, one of my favorite things about you.
The way your eyes squint more so than usual. How your smile is breathtaking and warms me up. The sound of your voice is so sweet and pure. Your laugh is a sweet harmony of relief and strength.  
But I’m gasoline to your fire, wicked and influencing.
One drop and your flame brightens,
Except I poured too much.
Now you are a blazing inferno, a rage of fire licking up everything in its wake.

Using mistakes I made to help you heal
And letting you hurt me to help yourself.
Until I don’t anymore and I’m broken again.
Never not once thinking that this could be done differently.
It’s a clean straight shot to being okay for you and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to trade it.
After all I am the bad guy in all of this.
I have to regret it.
Have to hate you to be okay.
It’s what we wanted and I have to stick to it.
Doesn’t matter if we love each other.
We can never be as okay as we hoped.
You could just let me leave,
But I know you won’t or you can’t.

We wouldn’t have to be reminded,
We wouldn’t have to listen to each other’s accusations,
We wouldn’t have to pretend to not have any feelings just so we can play Superman.

I wouldn’t have to think that I’m the worst.

The last three Valentine’s Day, I’ve been haunted by a beautiful figure.
An angel to the world we live in and the one we don’t.
The kindest soul to ever truly deserve a Valentine’s.

My baby girl.
My Lydia.
Breathtaking smile, long beautiful black hair, the curious thoughts she had.
My Lydia.

To pure to be taken, but was.
A whole 5’0 tall woman so enthused by the world.
A soul we miss dearly.

Every year we celebrate your life that you had with us.
Mine will always be our junior prom.
Truth is, I saw you every day neighbor.
I wish I could’ve saw you one last time..

I’ve given my everything to you.
I’ve spoke to you of what is needed.
Everyone was right about us,
We never should’ve tried again.

I got ****** by friends.
I got ****** by family.
I even got ****** by the one who said wouldn’t.

I’m tired of all the lies.
I’m tired of being disrespected.
I’m tired of the false hope when it should be me giving myself hope.

I’m exhausted.
I’m defeated.
Yet I’m still trying to climb when I can’t even walk.

I’ve hit the bottom enough times.
I did my part of loving unconditionally.
I made it known I’m here,
Yet I’m still silent as ever.

I write to my content.
Making those tiny videos without shame.
Gaming at its finest and total conquest.
Watching what I wanted to.

Going for the morning walks with a pit Bull/terrier than never fails to protect me.
Sleeping more only to be awoken by a different nightmare.
Actually showered and cleansed from everything.

Then one message.
One call.
My world is turned upside down again and I’m lost again.
Hurt again.
Betrayed and wishing for it all to end.

Peace I will never be granted.
Clearness of thoughts will never be realized.
And my heart.
My precious heart has nothing left to give.

I picked up a beer to numb it out.
Not to enjoy it this time.
Everything is built up and if I have enough to drink I know I can say the words I think.
Even then..

Alcohol makes my mind weaker than it already is and then I’m forced,
Forced to say what’s on my mind..
Because that’s what happens when I start off.

Then it spirals.

The worst of the worst thoughts.
Anxiety is at the max and all I can do is
Cry.

Llora por el hecho de que nunca podría tenerte aunque lo dejara a un lado.
Porque está hecho..

Delyla and Gabe,
Sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G,
First comes love,
Then comes our dreams,
You went away and I was left to stay.

She doesn’t confess her feelings,
Her thoughts,
Or likes to even converse.

It’s not like she doesn’t try,
She can write it, speak it, and some times scream it.
But still she is dismissed.

Never actually heard.
Never truly seen.
Never to speak again.

So she’ll sit there,
Fake a smile and make agreement noise here and there.
But no one will hear her voice, because now she’s silent.

I buy a pack every two days,
Thinking today is gonna be my last.
I’m going to quit,
I will.
At least that’s the thought process.

The **** of the cigarette is on my lips,
******* in the chemicals and tabaco.
Nicotine,
A chemical driven to addiction.
An escape for two seconds of inhalation.
The calmness of the chemicals coursing through.

A sweet disgusting escape.
A cancer stick if you will.

I write about you,
Writing as if you’ll read them.
Yet we both know I shouldn’t,
After all, it’s my fault you’re dead.

Our love isn’t perfect,
But it’s ours.
Our love is perfect,
In our own way.
You give me the world and I in turn,
Give you adventure and wonder.
Knowledge and wisdom is traded,
Laughs and conversation are gifted.
We continue to learn each day,
And yet we still no nothing of each other.
It’s glorious and magical,
I couldn’t think of a better way than this.
To be held by you each night,
To be taken a million to infinity of kisses,
To be loved by you.
Everyday,
Every hour,
It’s always you.

The grass smells sweet.
The breeze blows a warm wind,
Leaves floating from the trees and ground.
A beautiful day indeed.

Lightly moving a hand side to side,
The softness of the grass giving a sensation Indescribable.
A conversation so just and pure as a newborn.

Feeling safe and unworried.
Moments of happiness in a depressed mind.
The one thing known for sure.

A glance down.
“Gabe”
Dog print
LCHS
GABRIEL ISAIAH DION MARTINEZ
In the arms of his family Mar. 18, 1998
In the arms of Jesus Apr. 08, 2018
Grey and black granite block with a black and bronze plate on top.

Her safe place.

Grey an’ sleek.
Strong an’ at your peak.
This moment is yours!
The first steps taken with man,
All in the palm of your hand!
But no hand you bare,
Instead rough padding and claws that are handle with care.
We gifted this name to the one whom fights our demons,
To overcome any trail and error.
He is..
Hercules.

“But I do know one thing though
*******, they come, they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday, yo
Maybe I'll love you one day
Maybe we'll someday grow
'Til then just sit your drunk *** on that ******' runway, **.
But I can’t be your Superman.”

Tossing and turning in bed.
Stuck in my thoughts,
But when aren’t I.

These thoughts cloud my mind and I can only think of one to bring me peace.
But alas I left and now I lay still alone.
Looking at these blank walls I now call home.

Closing my eyes I hear the silence.
Others screaming down the halls.
A bed to hard for my back,
Waking up is a pain.

I’ve done everything to sleep,
Tried all the tips and tricks.
Still to no avail I continue to toss and turn.

I used to look at you and see the universe light up in your eyes.
The glitter of a thousand worlds,
Captured in those brown eyes.
My world revolved around you,
As the Earth does around the Sun.
You held me your hands as if I was fragile seashell,
Yet your grasp was firm and demanding.
Voicing concerns always in vain,
You delt the cards I had to face.
What I had thought you gave was nothing to what I thought it was,
Love doesn’t endure such crazy madness.
I had made mistakes I cannot take back,
I **** myself for what is done and you see nothing.
Blind as the joke you say,
You never noticed yourself pull away.
Bleeding through hands and feet I held on for you to stay,
Hopping you’ll come back home to me.
The world doesn’t work as such and I’ve come to terms that your eyes held not of the universe and worlds,
But of those whose souls you stole and ate to only spit out.
You had my entire being regardless of flaws,
Now it’s time to continue with myself,
Alone is what was meant for me.

Log on,
Be the character,
Enjoy another world unlike this one.

You know what’s worse than someone walking away leaving?
Staring right at them and watching them leave emotionally and mentally.

Missing you is like a disease,
Sickened at the thought of you gone.
I am weak to you,
No one compares to you.

It’s the same thing.
Constant doubts, thinking the other lies, overthinking and assumptions.
The ingredients for a perfectly great breakup.
Again.
I don’t know how this is suppose to work.
Me hating myself, you being upset because of what I did, and
us never trusting.
Lots of work?
Oh yes, quiet a lot, but because love conquers all we’ll be okay.
Except we aren’t and we’ve argued

I wake up with nightmares of you.
Yet I desperately crave your touch.
Your voice.
You.

I hate it.
I hate the thought of you.
Only because you broke me like he did.
If only you knew.

I love you so much though.
You are everything to me.
Which is the worst,
Because every day I love you and I wish I could’ve had the love I gave you in return.

My love,
My Sun and Stars,
My Second Chance.
Gone and I’ve lost twice.

I can’t believe myself.
Stooping so low for what?
For it to all be a joke,
A waste of time.

It hurts if I’m telling the truth,
As break ups do.
The official over and done with.
To read your messages one last time.

And turns out you just wasted my year,
Got me close,
And made me fall for you.

I chose you,
After everything I’ve gone through,
I still chose you.
And I wasn’t enough.

I can’t say it was a waste with full intentions ,
But I know one thing is for sure, I wish it never happened.

Three years my chest tighten when I wake.
Three years my body trembles when I move.
Three years and I hear the echos of my screams, begging for this to be a dream.
Yet I stand, three years later.
Still hoping for you to come back.

I knew all along.
I should’ve listened.
I knew you didn’t want me,
Just this idea of her that you see in me.

It’s always been her.
I knew it was, and I tried to push it before starting this.
But you had convinced me it wasn’t.

It was just a cover up for you.
You thought I didn’t know.
The way you write about her,
Talk about her.

Those seven letter and one word.
That’s who it was meant to be.
After all I shouldn’t be hurt;
I knew it all along.

It’s what we all want.
A desire for one soul.
A peace finally found.
Comfort in his arms,
My ear pressed against his chest.
The rhythmic beating of one’s heart.
Love and harmony.
Perfect balance,
Even when days are long.
-Mrs. Ramirez-Nuñez
At last.

Torn to piece by vicious intent,
Regardless of the pleas being said,
The thoughts attacking her brain.
She wanted what’s best,
What is best for you is for?
Silence.

How far is your will to go?
To forget.
Any chance you find to use.

How strong is that will?
To do the unthinkable.
You take the danger, no consequences.

How long will you hold out till your mind turns on you?

You keep me sane,
Truly you do.
Collectively you speak to me,
And i am weak.
Like a sedative I cave into relaxation,
Knowing you are here brings me peace.
Sleeping peacefully,
Laughing,
I just need to enjoy the life.
Enjoy you.

February 25.
I’ll never forget that day.
It’s the day you came into my life after all.

When you sent your first Snapchat too me,
I swear your smile is what kept me intrigued.
The way you’d laugh at my silliness and stupid remarks.
Constantly sending me something just so you could see me smile.

I love the way you look at me.
The way your dark eyes held me captive to every word you’d say.  
The love and affection in them always left me speechless.
Your eyes told me everything,
From what hurt you the most to loving me.

It was the way you played video games.
How you were so concentrated.
The way your face would scrunch up when you were in a battle to not die.
That night you stayed at my moms with me,
You whined waiting for your turn.  

The first time you told me you loved me,
I laughed.
I couldn’t even think it to be true.
Yet here you were.
My knight in shinning armor, the one to sweep me off my feet.  

Those nights we stayed together always brought tranquility with it.
The countless jokes we had, the days with Harley, and the many bonfires.
Looking up at the stars where you lived was out of this world, literally.
Laying on your chest with your arms wrapped tight around me.
Keeping me safe.

It was the way you’d sing to me and hold my hand.
When you’d write about me and things made sense.
Laughing at my clumsiness and telling me “You’re a dork babe!”
Making sure I knew that you loved me something fierce.
Reassuring me to the best of your abilities.

To think you made a 180 in my life,
And I hoped you’d be my second chance.
Also hoping I didn’t **** it up first.

Eventually I did.

We rise and we fall.
Learning to crawl
As we continue to make our call.
I sit and write to you,
So you know my words are true.

One year, it was rectangular boxes with our names.
$2 cards for a pack of hologram puppies or superhero’s.
Writing out each name that was your favorite.

Another year, we are grown buying little shot bottles.
Gigantic stuffed bears and favorite candy to add.
A hope for a kiss for the hard work at the end of the day surprising them.

Yet every year it’s the same.
And I’ve been okay with that,
Coming to terms that I will never have the true Valentine I so desperately deserve...

It’s simple,
Easy.
Like taking off a bandaid,
Yeah right.

You told him he ***** me. That wasn’t the case.
Saying you’re doing it to protect me but in reality it’s you that your protecting.
Thinking you can meddle in affairs that aren’t yours.
You kept telling me to leave it in the past.
It happened.
It’s done.

So why couldn’t you?

Out of all the things you said about me.
To my face, your friends and family, it was *******.
Believing in something that I know I ruined.
Still never fails to be brought up.

Thank you though. You showed me far more than before.
I hope you know that this was it.
I hope you know that I did try regardless of your assumptions.
I hope you know that you’re not the nice guy that finished last.
If you were then me and your ex’s wouldn’t be thinking the same thing.

All will go well for you though. You can focus on your real girl.
The one you can’t truly stand to be apart from.
And I really do hope it goes amazing for you both.

Have a good one, goodbye

I drink because,
You’re still around.
The both of you.
The three of you now.
Endless cycles with one.
Another dead.
The third who’s righteous.
Corpse, betrayer, a finder.
This life.
Drink.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.