All it took was one break.
One text.
One meet up.
It was the perfect opportunity, to get back at someone you love.
A revenge of sorts.
It would work itself out.
Everything thing did.

Flirtatious looks thrown back at one another.
A small yet effective kiss on the cheek,
Then on her neck,
Making her singing into the night.
It didn’t stop there.  
Their lips locked.
His hands found their was down her body,
Squeezing places on her that was founded by someone else.
Her hand found her prize, so she thought.

He used her to his content.
They both knew what this was,
Nothing romantic about a hotel room.
Just *** and revenge.
Little did she know she had you in the back of her mind.

Every ****** made she said your name in her mind.
When he’d speak all she heard was your voice.
As he continued to touch her all she wanted was you.
Subconsciously she didn’t know she was pushing him away when he found her inside.
But why?

The answer is simple.
She wasn’t using it to get back you.
Didn’t need to have revenge.
All she wanted was to break herself.
To **** herself inside knowing this would be it.
Thanks to this mistake,
She did.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.

I drink because,
You’re still around.
The both of you.
The three of you now.
Endless cycles with one.
Another dead.
The third who’s righteous.
Corpse, betrayer, a finder.
This life.
Drink.

Happy Thanksgiving.
The day of giving thanks for all we have.
And I give thanks that I’m strong enough to do what I need too.

You won’t bring me down with your atrocious comments.
I won’t allow you to ruin me more than I already have.
I waved the white flag.
I surrendered.
It’s not enough.
I have to be punished for the choice I made for myself.
Tell me how can you play the game if only one is playing?

No more.
I’m taking a stand and I stand for myself.
We are going our ways and I’m fine with that.
I accept my choice, but there’s no need for me to hurt anymore.

Be a better person you were than you were the day before.

I had miscalculated.
I was baited.
And my heart, annihilated.

I’m grateful,
I’m secure,
I’m safe.
I’m finally seen,
I’m finally heard,
I’m finally loved.
Creating this new life with him,
Making myself into what I was wanting,
Becoming MYSELF once more.
I don’t have to hide,
I don’t have to lie,
I can be me.

Everything is now in place,
We are seeing anew,
And we continue on our paths,
Never looking back.

You ask me my feelings,
You fix your mistakes.
I am truly your Queen,
As you are my King.

I will never understand how you can break someone who loved you.
Just loved you when nobody else believed in you.
Changed myself for you, lost my morals for you.
Stopped caring about me and my trama to hold onto yours for you.

I wonder what you truly think about at night.
Do you wonder how much it cost you?
Was I ever really worth it?
Do you understand how much I’m hurting?

You shattered what was left of me.
Anything I had left to offer was taken almost three years ago and you broke what was left.
Someone you said you loved, and you showed angst towards me.

My heart yearns for you still.
Your scent is trapped in memory.
I wouldn’t come back, I couldn’t.
You broke me and took everything with you.

•
I’ve blocked them out,
My counselor tells me it’s okay,
Let it out.
Yet I stay silent,
I shall let you fester whatever you make me out.
We pretended,
We lied,
We did this.
But it’s only me at fault,
And I’m the one on the couch,
Talking to a shrink.
•

We were just talking,
I raised my voice slightly.
I heard screams,
I made you quiet out of concern.
We both hear it now,
All hell broke loose.
The fighting, the dogs, the police.
We were never meant to be,
Because all along it was the girl who helped save me too..

People pleaser,
A condensed teaser.
Lost in leisure.
Because I’m the pleaser.

I hate you. You made me believe every lie you created.
You broke me. You like to remind me that I am broken.
Which I know.
But I think you fail to realize,
Is that I’d take all the harassment, all the assumptions, and all the lies;
Just to show you..

That I am sorry.
I’m sorry for thinking I’m good with enough.
I’m sorry for the lack of experience in bed.
I’m sorry for being broken and meeting you.

I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, but also
I didn’t deserve the lies and assumption thrown at me for a mistake I regretted.
I didn’t deserve to read the true thoughts you had of Marissa.

Even as I sit here and write.
Trying to bury my tears behind a screen and scream.
You’ll be okay though.

Because I got the jail out of free card.
I don’t have “multiple personalities..”
I’m just the ****. A *****. ****. ****. Leg-opener. Yada. Yada.

Just the same ****.

Sometimes I wish you saw what I did,
Someone hidden so far in the dark,
Desperately trying to free yourself from it.
I see you,
I feel it when I caress your skin,
Even then I don’t need too feel when I sense it.
You truly don’t understand the depth of your hold,
How clutching its become,
Yet I want you with everything I do.
Whether we are around or not,
Fighting or finally being able to be in love,
It has been you for a whole year now.
Once upon a time,
It was what I had wished for,
Now that wish is gone.
Laying in the bed you no longer lie in,
Feeling your fingers sliding down my back and up toward my neck,
The kisses shared nothing but fireworks; always.
I will miss you always,
As I do to those who’ve stole my heart,
But you;
You’ve taken my entirety,
My mind,
Body,
And soul.
</3:C.R.R.

We talk.
We pick on each other.
You make me smile.
I see your smile.

Everything flows well enough,
For the moment.
Your reassurance gives me hope,
My heart weakens by your grace.

I hope that it will be you,
That I can be with you.
After all the awful things,
My soul still belongs to you.

After all is said and done,
I still love you.

It’s that time of a breakup.
Where you start to feel regret,
You get sick, you can’t sleep and no amount of ***** and drugs can get you out of being stuck.

Stuck, lost, and afraid.
What if’s and what won’ts.
To take another leap or move on. Even after all that’s happened.
How is one suppose to forget that.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind tonight/morning, it’s currently 4:35am.
If we could turn back time, I’d put my foot down harder.
If we could turn back time, I’d never would’ve broke again.
If we could turn back time, I’d never have swiped right.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me.
Knowing that you can push my buttons with every lie you make, telling me things of my life that never even came to pass.
It’s okay though because I see it now.

Hate, anger, and depression all seeping back in one step at a time and truth is. It’s getting me through this stage of want and need for you.
To think I gave you so many chances, to fix yourself, to be truly consistent with your changes, and trying to listen to your thoughts even though it would lead to arguments.

I will never get the chance to tell you how wrong you were for me.

I will never get the chance to tell you how happy you did make me when we weren’t being dumb.

I will never get the chance to say that I love you with everything I still have. The worst part about all this..
I could never go back to you.


You made me hurt and you keep making me hurt.
You tell me you don’t want me to hate you yet you say the most rambunctious things about my one person.
Lots of talk about change yet, this would be out biggest obstacle and you couldn’t handle it.

I just hope the next girl who is in favor doesn’t feel what I feel. Doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Doesn’t make you think badly about yourself.
One who makes you feel so ******* important, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be her.

Her name is heaven,
Saint-like,
Yet she was wanted.
Her impurity shown with every comment,
Her façade being poked and prodded by myself.
Yet I had lost,
Not just myself,
But you.
Screaming into the chest of my coworker,
Saying you loved her.
What does your love mean?

That Breath of air when swimming under the water too long,
That’s what life was.
Suffocating,
Undesirable,
A vast liquid of nothing.
That is till the burning in my lungs form,
Seizing at every attempt to breathe,
Struggling to find which way is up.
The frantic grasps of liquid,
Thighs and legs kicking rapidly,
As if all was lost the fresh breeze hits my hand.
I’ve made it,
All throughout the doubts,
Every tribulation has come to this.
Air.

I’m truly alone.
No one to be my rock.
My shoulder to cry on.

Nothing but an endless stream of tears,
Constantly running down my face.
The people I need the most can’t be there.

One is busy with family things.
The other is hung up on their bestfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

No one was there to hold me; no one there to wipe my tears.
Truly I am alone

Honesty isn't hard to give,
I gave all of it,
Not wanting one moment to be ruined by me.
Yet here we stand,
Two different oppositions,
Two different types of trust,
No recollection of either.
One lost,
The other barely being found,
Our histories are different,
So why was it I.
Losing you kills me,
Even if you don't believe it,
But I also want you to be it.
Become the man I need,
I can wait,
I chose you to wait for.
Yet here I stand,
I am the liar,
I am the untrustworthy,
I was nothing.
A home to build,
A life with love from all sides,
But here we stand.
Apart.

One name.
Seven letters.
Perfectly capable to say for any human being but,
That human being is you.

Im trying.
I truly am trying.
When we are doing so well and then I forget.
She’s still around.

They may or may not have been lies.
I can’t tell at this point,
Just struggling to make peace with it.

I don’t know how to be okay with the fact that you love her too.
Both romantically and pragmatic.
Im doing my best.

I swear it.

Reluctantly stubborn,
You come like a hurricane,
One small opening of purity and serenity.
We will never be compatible,
No longer will I be your friend,
So I sit in your shadows watching you grow.
One day you’ll see what I see,
Believe what I know,
We all see it.
You’ll perceive it how you will,
There isn't angst towards you,
Never will it ever be.

A soft glance so pure,
Full of adoration.
I question this look,
For it was lost and yet found once more.
In your orbs,
I see the turmoil you face,
Yet you seek comfort in my embrace.
Full of mystery you are,
And I find myself at peace.

Boundaries are set.
Talks are shorter.
And I give certain people my attention.

The focus on me is surreal.
The want to be better.
Goals are finalized,
My spirit rises.

I won’t be stuck.
I watered the grass I walk on,
It’s only a matter of time till it turns green.

One day I won’t have you in the back of my mind.
When I won’t wake up at 3:30-4 in the morning  hoping you’re awake.
Not having to cry when I think of all the things you said to me.
The lines you’ve crossed, never to torment me again.

I’ll be able to go and find someone who is truly worthy of me.
Someone to put as the blame wouldn’t cross their mind.
Being patient with me knowing how I am.
Someone to truly love me.
One day.

I lay awake next to you,
Watching you inhale and exhale your breath.
A simplistic rhythm one has in sleep,
Your face is so relaxed,
So innocent,
So kind.
And as I lay awake next to you,
I count down the seconds my eyes open up to you.

I wished you leave me alone.
Leave me be and let me wallow in the chaos we caused.
More lies you say as you twist my words.
I always want the last word though.
Stubbornness.
I have to win, but what am I winning?

I don’t understand why you keep coming back. You just won’t stay away, even when I leave you alone.
Using my poems to see where my heads at.
Knowing I won’t tell you.
And I never will.

I hate that you think we are going to be together when me and my friend know it won’t.
Thinking I’m here for pity.
Never needed it in the first place.

You can go and leave me alone.
I’ll be here, the same girl.
*****.
****.
Murderer.
Unloyal.
Hopeless.

I always imaged what it would be like,
To love someone to such an extent.
Always there when you need them.

Sometimes I used to think it would flow like water,
A constant run through the rocks and moss.
Everything in place.

Being able to speak with ease, not lost in the tremendous amounts of questions.
Words coming out like silk,
Perfection.
No care to what they’d think, only understanding.

Usually though,
I think of how it would feel to wake up next to them.
The feeling of my head on their chest,
Arms wrapped so tightly to keep me safe.

These though are just the hopeless dreams of a small little girl.
Stuck in her world of amazement,
An illusion.
For now she is grown and knows, love doesn’t exist to those who became,
Lost.

It is for the best,
I’m not good.
I can’t trust, listen or love.

No matter what I must do this,
Because people don’t change.
Me included.

It was waking up to you and feeling peace,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was taking me home to make me dinner,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It’s caring for you and your care to me,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was telling me you love me after hearing my life,
That’s when I knew you were mine.

Some days,
I hate you more than words can encrypt.
Some days,
I miss your arms wrapped around me.
Some days,
I cry to my heart’s content blurred by love and hate.

Even through these days,
I must remind myself you are no longer the person I’ve come to know.
A whole 360 of your life was flipped.

Knowing the person you are,
Hurts a lot.
You were suppose to be it.
The one to change my name.
All out the window.

If I’d know the whole truth,
I still feel like it could’ve been different.
Sadly though we don’t get those chances to see.
Not when enough is enough.
Losing the faith that you’d be different.
Gone.

It was the moment you took my hand,
Sang me lullabies to sleep.
Combing your fingers through my hair,
Drifting into an endless dream.
When you slept and I watched you,
I couldn’t help but think this is true.

It was the first time you and I saw each other,
I knew I’d never let a soul touch you.
Glaring at those who tried,
Meeting those who had thought twice.

Of the many nights to have your hand in mine,
I wonder if you know you are mine.
I am yours though,
Bound to you by eternity.

That is where I shall find you again.

Cycles
You complain,
You are given advice,
And yet still complaining.

Rather than leaving it be,
Changing for yourself.
You stay around them.
All of the toxic chemicals circles you.

And you let it.
So I must sit by and watch you crumble.
Giving you lying praise.
That’s what you want.

You shown no different.

She lays in bed.
A flow of tears cascade down her face.
Screaming into the pillow,
She wishes to say those three words.
Words that hold so much to them,
Mean so much.
A deep inhale and a wipe of her eyes,
Into the darkness she sees a figure,
The one she wishes to see.
She whispers,
I love you.

I am the problem,
It’s unfathomable.
The truth makes it’s way,
Just for it all to go down the drain.
It is for the lack of affection I give,
To mislead through the grief.
For I am the problem,
And you all,
Were perfect.

Dirt and grim cover my arms.
My hair filled with natural oils from my sweat.
Eyes have dark circles on their own accord.
Constant screaming echos in my mind.

Tears soil my pillow from the memories gone.
Constant writing of “why?”
Wishing for an answer but knowing I can’t get one.

Who knew one person could **** up your whole mental.
Thinking they could actually be there.
Never once thinking of any kind of betrayal.
Sike.

Music transports me to a different memory.
Stuck in the moment as the song plays.
Blissful moments now gone.
To the many more final goodbyes..

I think of you from time to time.
It’s ineluctable.
It’s a shame.

Goodbyes are always hard,
The remorse of not doing more,
The guilt of your fault,
The anger of betrayal,
And the sadness of all the memories.
Yet we still do nothing,
Till the next death comes around.

At the end of the day,
You never really get what you want.

That feeling of sunken darkness,
Seeping through the light you held so long too,
Not even trying to defer it.
The demons held back have been greeted,
Now I a bottomless shell enlisted in their possession.
Confined and broken you still try,
Walking as though your not in molten lava,
Breathing enough for a satisfied cough to end the misery.
Crying as if you were the Nile,
Screaming like you’re being murdered,
And silence.

Fight or flight.
Well with what’s happening.

I choose flight.

Loud music bursting through my ears,
Our body’s in sync to the rhythm.
Kisses being shared with sweat and fatigue,
Lazy, crazy smiles worn on our faces.
Three words form in mind,
Special words.
To say them or not,
Will this back fire?
The music gets louder,
Your hands are raised higher the more you jump.
I stare in awe at your glow,
So vibrant and pure.
“I love you!” Is what I scream,
You stopped dead in tracks.
Pulled me close and kissed me,
With a passion so intense.
You’re face in that moment was blissful,
“I love you too babygirl.”