the ones should be worried about
are not in the present
seducing with their devilish smiles
and their soft, husky voices

the ones leaving their footsteps
in the sands of barren past
unreachable, devoid of closure
are the most dangerous of them all.

it's not the sweet laugh you hear
caressing your lips and your ears
that will hunt and drown you
it's the laugh of yesterday's loss
that will haunt, forevermore.

everything must end
so by logic
my pain would too

my eyes
won't shed
a single tear
for you.

am i
moving on?

wait.
what's there to move
away from?

we never had anything.
you were never mine.
i was never yours.

there was never anything
and there won't be any.

there was never any light
for me to hide away from.

but before you go
tell me, why am i
in such darkness?

was it because i never
had courage to tell you?
or maybe if i did
i'd be an *******
and i'd lose you anyway?

i don't know.

i am not one
to live by code
but i sure as hell
can't live by a lie.

if a genie
granted me
three wishes...

the first would be
to never have met you.

my second wish
well, i don't think
i need any more.

i was already miserable
and always will be.

because money
i can earn them.

because fame
well, i don't like them.

because love
i had them.

i had you.

now i don't want them
not you
not anymore.

it's been awhile
since i wrote anything
for anyone
even for myself.

the day before yesterday
i decided that
i can no longer live
alongside this
cold river of silence

i crossed it.

fingers crossed
legs trembling
head's spinning
hands shaking
right into your
cold embrace.

and i realized that the sun
will never shine on me again
ever.

half of my heart
whispers
agreeing with
your very words
that i deserve everything

this chill
down my spine
this pain
all over my body
and this heaviness
upon my crooked heart.

i replayed your words
in my palace
letter by letter.

each second passes by
and not a single one
pass by
without reminding me
that i might never
get across
this river.

x

yesterday
i woke up as if
nothing had happened
like the day before yesterday
i never drowned
and got lost in the currents

x

today
i am pretty **** sure
the river got me good

the stones below my feet
laughed at my tears
these water running
chuckled at my regret
these trees
turned away
hoping that this man
would drown faster

it was made sure
by nature
and by Fate herself

no sunrise
nor drought
can get me through
this time.

it was simple.

i fell in love.

i've been living off cities
crossing busy streets
traces of neon lights
diminished and reborn
every single night

i've been yearning
off the pavements
of unnamed streets
the ghost towns
the unknown frowns upon me

an anonymous excitement
wanderous
magnificent
and persistent.

the whispers
of the calamity
and calmness
before the storm
worries
and
excites me

the constant
awareness
of dangers lurking
makes me hold you
your hand
tighter around my fingers

my mind spoke of nothing
but to fear
to protect
and to be brave
all at the same
second of it all

after all

we are temporary beings
living in a temporary world
surrounded by temporary things
and temporary souls

looking for eternal feelings

we are beings
looking for forever
in the ephemeral glimpse

looking under the shades of time
and through the mirrors of possibillities.

maybe we are going to spend our lives looking for forever until whenever.

maybe because
because we refuse to look at the right place forever.

i sincerely
do not think that
i would ever
understand
the reason why my chest
is heavy
and the air is
so hard to inhale
without you here

and i sincerely hate
the fact that i love the way
how this could be
so comfortable
knowing that i am
indeed
in love
and in pain

i don't love you with
butterflies in my stomach

i have dragons spitting fire in my chest

i don't love you with electricity startling me from your touch

i have knives stabbing me, or nails piercing me and such.

i don't love you with burning myself in that fire in your eyes

i scorched myself from the days i missed you and their rays of sunsets until their sunrises

i don't love you the way everyone else do

i love you the way i wanted to.

never thought i'd be yours
and you'd be mine.
but here we are
****, you're so fine.

is this reality or fantasy?

because i am here
but i am quite flying
i'm shrouded with fear
but for you i'm fighting.

is this fantasy or reality

because i am here
quite dead but still breathing
quite alive but still dying
without you me heart is screaming
and with you i can't stop smiling.

i never knew i needed your kiss until i tasted your lips

i never knew i needed your touch until i touched your hips

i never knew i was alive until i felt the fire burning in your eyes

i never knew how cold i was until i felt your warmth

and lastly

i never knew i was yours until i heard your whisper in my ears.

i keep repeating
the same chant
in my mind

please stay, please don't go away
i know i pushed you away
but that's me lying to myself

i keep repeating

please fight
even if i am not worth your might

but i watched you walk away from me
leaving behind nothing
but memories and everything.

artistically, i am the fragments of the glass you smashed on that cold concrete.

emotionally, you drown me in that black seas of darkness.

technically, all you did was you left me with memories.

but honestly?

i am broken beyond repair.

nothing can describe
this feeling of dread in my chest.

not even the cold wind
or the icy storm coming my way.

nothing can deny
this feeling of despair
in my chest
in my legs
in my whole existence.

nothing may torture me
but my own self.

i need that paroxysm
that little jolt
that single spark
for me to feel again.

i hate to admit
i would sound
desperate
and needy
but i need someone.

i don't want just anyone.

but i don't know
i really need one.

there's a lot of questions
regarding my heart
that remained unanswered.

is it made of fragile glass
or strong diamond?

is it fixable?
hammering nails
and drilling screws in
or we just glue it all back together?

what colour is my heart?
definitely not white.
is it red?
jet black?
or merely grey?

is it beating
or maybe sound i've been hearing
were the marching parade
to respect the death of my heart?

is it broken
or it was never complete?
but then *if it's broken, how can it still beat?

they told me that
i am a pessimist
that i should wear
my positive hat
and not think of malice.

i am very sure that
every pessimist
were once an optimist.

they went through
things that made them
lose hope
and lose their courage
to bravely trust and believe
again.

from the tiniest bit of betrayal
to the biggest act of treason.

i believe no one is born a pessimist.
they were all once, optimists.

hope may be a superficial belief
but it's not as fake as you think it is.

i wander in
art galleries
colourful theme parks
busy streets
dark alleys

looking for someone
i knew once before
and it was you

i have always looked
staring into the abyss
looking for you

maybe i am a soul
destined to be forever
separated from you

you may think
that i might be looking
for someone else
someone i met before

but no
that's not the case.

i stare into the arts
to find me.
i see their smiles
to remind me
of what i was before.

[stage 1]

once, i thought depression is a ******* *******.
i thought it is a figment of my imagination, the error in the calculations.
just a burden.
i never thought i would feel them every single ******* night.

[stage 2]

i thought it ended there.
i thought if i sleep early, the demons cannot haunt me at nights. i thought i could sleep and forget, like i always did.
then the nightmares came knocking at my dreams' doors.

[stage 3]

i started losing sleep. i started to believe that this will be neverending.
then i started depressing over things during daylight.

[stage 4]

im losing a piece of myself, bit by bit, every second of every day.

why do i feel heavy everytime i write?
is it such a burden to my soul to express myself?

it's like stuck between the skies and the earth
no ground to step on
and no hope to believe in.

i fear falling
crashing to the earth
meeting my end of life
i was never afraid to die
i guess maybe most of us
are just scared of how we die.

i cannot speak the right words
to express, to impress anymore
i cannot write a good poem
to relieve, to believe
it's like my mouth is closed shut
and my hands are sealed tight.

the only way for me to be irrationally rational, is sadness.

and that's me, as complicated as i can be.

go, my child
let the river of words flow out of you.

go, my child
let the fire of emotions lights the path for you.

go, my child
do not fear, i'll still be here.

but remember, my child
the river is deep
and the fires are big

if you are not careful
you might drown
or burn to death

but hush, my dear.

run with your tiny feet.
and discover the world.

i'm not good at expressing my thoughts.

i'm not good at picturing how the clear skies hugged my heart, or maybe how the storms drowned me into depression.

i'm not good at writing how lovely the sounds of nature, how it rhythms with our heartbeats when we lay down and watch the stars.

i'm not good at describing your beautiful smile, how it reminds me of the clouds, and how your company reminds me of the earthquakes around the world.

i'm especially not good in painting words about how much i missed you since everything.

but one thing i'm surely good at would be missing you.

I know the risks when I said I loved you. I loved you as a person, as a friend, as a soul. I never lied to you about how I loved you. I loved you more than I ever loved myself but unfortunately you want more. You want more than I can ever give, and I'm sorry I can't do that. I'm sorry that half of my, half of my fiery soul burned out for someone else two years ago. I'm sorry that another half was taken by a goddess, and she turned my fire blue. I loved her, more than I loved me, more than I can ever love you.

often we not realize that

the best poems are the ones that were never written

never spoken

never expressed.

the best poems are the ones we keep to ourselves

raw

and untouched.

True love is not seasonal, as it will always be eternal.

i wonder why people are
so in love with the moon
when it actually just reflected
the lights of the sun?

the moon decides the tides of the ocean
but still, why are we worshipping
the reflector?

yeah, maybe you can love the stars
because they shine a little bit
and, and maybe you can love the moon
because it was there during the lonely nights

but what about the sun?
maybe we are too into something else
to realize the ones that has burned for us.

you will somehow reach a certain point where you understand certain things.

and after that, you'll realize how low and stupid you have been.

but if you focus on how stupid you were before, will it make any difference?

if you stay and continue to mourn for his death, will he resurrect from your tears?

if you dwell and drown in your sea of emotions, will anything change?

please don't use a tragedy to make yourself feel sad.

please stop this madness, this escape route you've been using just because you're uncertain of what you should feel.

just because you don't feel anything and you want to feel something makes you use tragedies and accidents to feel sad.

that's pathetic.

i think i'm going insane.

i think about me breaking apart for so many times after what happened.

people thought that i am being overreacting but no, i'm not.

i hate being depressed, full of stress and unrest. i hate seeing the clouds formed your smile, i hate thinking about your hands not holding mine.

i hate losing my sanity.

i hate seeing the trees swayed as if they are mocking my weaknesses, i hate hearing the winds blew, they sounded a lot like your voice that i missed a lot.

they told me that they searched their loved ones in the crowds, meanwhile i'm here seeing you everywhere i go.

i hate seeing your figure beside me on my bed, when you are actually sleeping somewhere else where only He knows.

i hate seeing myself in the mirror for i cannot form any genuine, happy and honest smile anymore.

as if your absence meant more than just losing you.

in the process, i lost myself too.

i would love to lose my mind

my energy

my soul

just to be with you

melodies in my lullaby
broken guitars and abandoned violins
in the forest we go.

you said, stand by
we're proud sinner
we're not saints, but we thought so.

the birds fly
the sky's clearer from here
on my shoulders you lean
and the rivers continue to flow.

we laughed until we cry
we promise forever
through thick and thin
through darkness and sorrow.

but life disagreed
and kept us apart
separated we are
until we depart.

if there's a place between the heavens and hell

that may be the place i belong to

i am a liar
thought i could fool anyone
but i couldn't fool me.

i am a liar
about things
mostly feelings.

i am a liar
that said i moved on
nights i'll mourn

i am a liar
an escapist
never a realist.

i am a liar
yes, it's a sin
but it's how i cope
to continue to hope.

you asked me about
if i wrote your name on my hand.

and i can't help but to think about all the sketches, paintings, doodles and written poems i wrote everywhere about you.

you asked me to say
your name repeatedly
because you think
how i said it was cute.

i did, and your laugh
made my world even lighter
than it was before.

sadly, i know how you feel about me.

and you know how i feel about you.

but we can't be together.

we're just friends
that's what you said.

my heart screamed
and my eyes teared.

but i think it's better than to lose you again.

your mind was a train
full of joy and candy

and mine was the passenger
who happened to tag along
in your adventurous journey.

the railways are rusty
and the sounds are annoying
instead we feel happy
we took it as fun,
as a part of everything.

i was lost
a traveller i have always been
always thinking about what could have been.

inside this train, i found happiness
even though it's not forever
hey, i do sound clever.

the sweets are killing me
they're too many
come here, sit with me
let's unwrap them
and fill our tummy

what is all this
is this insanity?

i feel like drifting
oh wait, am i me?

oh-uh, my time is up
tick-tock
the death knocks.

oh, what is this?

a poison candy?

thanks sweetheart, finally i'll be free!

MY WHOLE BODY IS SHAKING
OUT OF AGONY

but i'm sitting still
smiling at everyone.

MY HEART ACHED LIKE IT'S BEING STABBED BY THOUSANDS KNIVES

but i'm laughing along
pretending, faking.

I SCREAM INSIDE ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR**

outside, i'm quiet
my eyes began to tear.

"should be counted as one, if divided equals zero."

i feel sad when people said that
the religion of Islam
is the religion of hate.

i feel sad, and depressed.
i loved everyone around the world
i tried to spread peace
around me and in social medias
because that is what i can only do

but then?

why do you judge
my religion when i know it better
than you do?

why do you hate something
so much
before trying to understand it?

i know my religion
if it promotes hate and revenge
i would already leave this religion

but my religion is purely innocent
i swear to my God
to the earth, and to the sky
that my religion loved peace.

stop this, please. i'm begging you.

"after all, i am just another song you'd skip on your playlist."

this is the time
when
love aren't anywhere near
pleasure and happiness.

love, we took it as heartbreaks, depressing, unfulfilling, rejection.

we view love as hostile, and merely pain.

we confuse ourselves of love with lust, and

we confuse our humanity and our unity with racism, and hate

and we confuse love with only being in it with someone.

we never took love as a symbol of our existence, yet we still think we love dearly of anything, or anyone.

we are the society that hoped for to be loved and to love, but never to share and do it among us.

we are the society to complain and rant, but to never act and move forward.

we are descending
into an era where we
can ever see the truth again.

we are immersing
in a pool of black ink
and cold sharp pain
all over again
blinding us.

we are serenely
killing ourselves
drowning inside with no oxygen
to breath, to take in

we are decelerating
and the illusions won't stop
the fear won't disappear
and death is
the sound we'll never hear.

today we gather
along in the crowds
said a son to his father
'dad, how to lose our doubts?'

his father smiled
and patted his son's head
'son, don't be afraid.'
'as long as the sun's there, we will never fade.'

i saw the moon
in the glorious day
she's dying soon
and there's nothing we all can say.

the moon is dying
the sun is blazing
earth is suffering
and we're still here, ignoring

today is the day
the moon found her death
this might be our last day
to inhale our breath.

we're living?

then why dying sounds very lovely?

i never painted a single canvas about you.

i never told anyone about how much i loved you.

i never wrote anything about you.

i'm fine without you.

and i most likely don't even care about you.

i wanted to run away from the reality so bad i fell into the sea of my own thoughts

...

the water is suffocating me

...

i need oxygen

...

i need to brea...

you said your love was a fire

and suddenly i was willing to be burned

you said your love was an ocean

and suddenly i was willing to drown

you said your love was death

and suddenly i wished i was dead

-c

fires are red
and skies are blue
my feelings fade
along with you.

the sun rises
and the moon disappear
fear not darkness
just keep your mind clear.

one day, she said
'laugh with me'
i laughed along
i forgot my misery.

as i was reading a superhero comic, in it there's a lot of superheroes.
*i thought about the relations between comics, love, and heartbreak.

in life

love was supposed to be the superhero.
and the villain was supposed to be heartbreak.

love was supposed to fill the emptiness
and heartbreak was supposed to **** people.

but we have come to an era where
love kills, and heartbreak heals.

*what is happening?