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6.0k · Mar 2015
sustenance (red mug sunrise)
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2015
sunken eyes
i watched them
in silent rooms.
breathing people
nothing but
the vents breathing
their moan of
churning gears

brittle bones
i arose to
black and cream elixir
the orange sun peaking over
black branch silhouette
a sight for tired eyes

helpless hands
gripping the red glazed mug
emanating peaceful warmth
unlike the heat of the words
burned in the back of my mind

6:12 a.m
trying not to think
deep breaths
sips of coffee
remembering
how to forget
seems to be
the hardest thing after all

he who
made living a lot less terrifying
seems abstract in my mind now
not solid, not there,
maybe he was a daydream after all

craving sustenance
the only thing that is for sure
is the orange
fading into pink, fading into blue
like the only thing i’ve ever know,
the bottom of the red mug
peaks at me
still warm in my hands,
but not like your reminiscent hand
March 3, 2015
5.0k · Jul 2014
3:18 a.m. - crush
Cassidy Vautier Jul 2014
in the most
simplistic way
i wanted him
and sometimes
i wanted all of him,
every season of his
mind and body
i wanted
cutesy notes on monday
slurred i love you friday nights
lazy sunday morning breakfast
then again
i never expected anything
from him
as much as i would have loved
to be under his skin
it was enough for my heart
to simply be
on his skin
July 26, 2014
3.8k · Mar 2014
corny metaphor
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
today i feel like a scratched cd
i know you want to hear i’m okay
today i’m not

now i’m wasted time
as i sit in the passenger seat of your car
as you contemplate
whether to try once more
or replace me

i think you’ll find
that they all play the same tune
as me
3.8k · Mar 2014
"grunge is dead"
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
i popped the 20+ year old disk into the cd drive
as we began to role down the road.
something came alive
in my 35+ year old dad
who screamed along with cobain

after the twelfth song had finished
we sat in a few moments of silence
one of the only real connections
i had ever had with the man

you know,
scott and i were driving to school
on this road in 94'
someone came on the radio
announcing that kurt cobain was found dead
we stopped the car and just sat there
in the road for a long time
then we turned around and went home


i felt those words.
of everything he's ever told me
i felt that the most

music is everything great in this world
people die
music doesn't
2.5k · May 2016
An August Promise
Cassidy Vautier May 2016
"I promise to surprise you every single day, even if it's as small as picking you a flower from outside. I promise, I swear to god"
to the third summer that never came
1.7k · Feb 2014
please stop forgetting me
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
[please] dont grab her hand
and flash that silly smile
when shes sad
[stop] being someone elses thoughts
late at night
when they drift off into there dreams
while i am
plagued by the thought of you
you’re [forgetting] the way you
wrapped your arms around me
and held my head against your heart
when i was drowning in my own sorrow,
breaking.
the thought
of losing my only love
was tearing me apart
you’re killing [me]
when you look at me
with a lost light in your eyes
that i used to give you
im so sorry
i couldn’t love you
the way you should have been loved
im so sorry,
my only love
1.4k · Mar 2014
opposite
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
you feel so far away
in a way that
i could not drive 30 minutes to your house
but do a marathon
in the opposite direction
plain, train, bike
a lap around the world
just to arrive at your front door
you and i are a map of all the countries
you are right beside me
but still on the opposite side of the page
millions of miles away
1.3k · Jun 2014
but i am not
Cassidy Vautier Jun 2014
i wish
that i was
a person
who could leave
an impression
on people
Cassidy Vautier Dec 2014
invigorating cold air
fumbling for keys
wet sneakers
treaded grass
dew on the windshield
orange sky fading into hopeful blue
groggy morning questions
radio talk host
sounds hopeful about the weather
wet sneakers
cold dry pavement
gas station coffee in hand
warms my hands
as the sun warms the concrete
thoughts of his hands
feeling of numbness
mistake it for happiness
gets me through the day
Cassidy Vautier Aug 2015
you are talking
you are crying
and you are wishing
i was there

i am sitting
i am watching
and of the matter
i am aware

but im stuck
inside this body
that cannot convince itself
to care

theres a melancholy in the room
a blackness to his stare
letting me know
that he is not completely there
902 · Jun 2014
goodbye town
Cassidy Vautier Jun 2014
something about that town
all the kids dropped like flies
year after year
here
you don't come across beautiful people
with
whole hearts
genuine smile
because
scars on the road where john flipped his bike
mark the one mile
from the house where tragedy struck
his kids on the head, a little too hard one night
and we don't swim in august anymore,
memorial sign hanging
almost like all of our heads that sunday a few days after
coming ‘round the corner just like john,
a little too fast
heartbreak is due
shaking hands, we clamored amongst the kids we grew up with
weeks after
only to be tipping the bottle back
a little too far
pushing the gas petal down
a little too hard
after five years,
falling falling falling
the kids stopped caring if God was knocking at the door
because opening that mortal door between the great beyond and earth is a
handshake
and
a kiss on the cheek
from your best friend
whispering welcome home
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
my biggest reach for myself
is to love the person i see in the mirror
and i cannot love every single person
in the pursuit of loving my own self
819 · Aug 2015
a jumble : hazy summer
Cassidy Vautier Aug 2015
he had
eyes parallel to heart

at the same time

my own mind felt like
it was a day away

we were made of
green hope
like
waiting at
traffic lights

the mountains breathed
the rain whispered
we watched
and hoped
and forever
was no where
766 · Jul 2014
small hands (lyrics)
Cassidy Vautier Jul 2014
Please forget me, you were right dear
I am cold and self-involved
And though I'll miss you, recent lover
I am weak and therefore fold

Get distracted by my music,
Think of nothing else but art
I'll write my loneliness in poems,
If I can just think how to start

Dot my I's with eyebrow pencils,
Close my eyelids, hide my eyes,
I'll be idle in my ideals,
Think of nothing else but I
Keaton Henson
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
far away from the world
where you hold her hand
kiss her cheek
don’t give a second thought to me

is a land in rewind
where she becomes
a beautiful stranger

backwards in time we go
reversing the fade in your smile
when your eyes met mine
back, back, back
so we grew stronger
invisible cracks sealing
instead of breaking

and finally once again
i can feel your breath on my neck

a land where your eyes
don’t hesitate to meet mine

the only place
i find the relief  of your smile
this is the only space in the universe
where i connect the freckles on your face
and
grab your hand
when i feel the claws of nostalgia
tickling my mind

always
my eyes will meet the light of a morning gleam
and your touch
is such a distant memory

just a reminiscent kiss
that makes waking up
so much harder

but oh god
i pray you give me a sigh of regret
before you fall asleep at night
its been 5 months and i've dreamt about you nearly every night
751 · Mar 2014
precious sister
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
please stop suffering
you are too young to be so sad

you lock the door
let the music scream
as loud as your thoughts

starring in the mirror crying
ugly, ugly, ugly

oh god knows
that i wish i could protect you
every second of everyday,
but the matter of fact is
i can scare away those kids,
i can wave away our parents,
i can’t protect you from yourself

i can only steal so many razors
tell you that you’re beautiful so many times
i’m beating myself
trying to save you

nobody loves me
you utter
i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry

please don’t leave me here
please let me help you

i don’t have the words
to give you what you need
to stay
you just have to believe
its going to be okay
701 · Sep 2014
Drown (lyrics)
Cassidy Vautier Sep 2014
Well I’m so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground,
Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.
I’ve been laying in my bed wishing I had never woken,
Begging god to rid my head of every word you’ve ever spoken.
Broke my knuckles on the wall because I thought about the call
Where you said you’d always love me, do you not tell the truth at all?
Well if I ever cross your mind, make sure you write down the times
So I will know the moments I was eating you alive.

Now I lay here waiting with the hope that I might find some sleep
I need some sleep tonight,
Cause I’ve been waiting on your call but I know it will never come
but I’m still waiting by the phone.

And don’t you dare, don’t you dare,
Say you ever loved me or even tell me that you cared
Cause you knew what you were doing and you know just what you’ve done
How dare you say you miss me with your spit still on his tongue.
I am broken. I am beaten. I’m mistreated and I’m torn.
I am cold with no direction but I’m lost without your warmth.
I’m trying hard to find some hope that I might get the chance to breathe.
Get off my mind, give back my heart and get the **** away from me!

I know I couldn’t give you much, but I know I gave my best,
You were always my princess, and now he’s sliding up your dress
And I know I gave the world everything I’ve ever had,
Johnny Cash said love would burn, I never thought it'd hurt this bad.

Well I’m so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground,
Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.
I’ve been laying in my bed wishing I had never woken,
Begging god to rid my head of every word you’ve ever spoken.
Broke my knuckles on the wall because I thought about the call
Where you said you’d always love me, do you not tell the truth at all?
Well if I ever cross your mind make sure you write down the times,
So I will know the moments I was eating you alive.

You are the itch that's on my back.
You are the gum under my shoe.
You are the horrors of my past.
You are the chill that haunts the room.
You are the creaking on my steps.
You are cancer. You are plague.
You are regret. You are disease.
I wish that you would go away.
By Front Porch Step
684 · Jul 2014
.
Cassidy Vautier Jul 2014
.
whiskey muffled whispers on nights you don’t sleep
all you are is starring straight through me
with electric i want to ******* eyes
gin and tonic lips pressed against mine

soulless hands running over
desolate skin
seeming such sincerity
baby, just let me in

all i want to know is who stole the light from your eyes
fake lovers lust leaks into red morning skies
i’m going to steal all your darkness, i want to make you alright
you’ll never be mine, but my heart is yours for the night

if our forever only lasts us until 6 a.m’s light, i’ll take it
but just know, i’d let you take my heart any day
and break it
(July 7, 2014)
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
i don’t think you can be happy
until you find a state of self acceptance
you have to understand
even though she is beautiful
it doesn’t mean that you’re not
you’re wasting yourself away
wishing to be somebody else

you need to enjoy the things you enjoy
not because everyone else enjoys them
but because you enjoy them

its important to
make yourself into someone
and not attempt
to make yourself into everyone

no one remembers everyone
but everyone remembers someone
if you are not your self
than you are no one
Cassidy Vautier Dec 2015
and nobody gets those people who don't give a **** about anyone or anything. those people who burn others down without a second thought. chinaski, the man in all of bukowski's poems. it is those people who cared the most because all we want to be loved, so badly that sometimes we sustain from love itself. we need to be loved so badly. so badly that the fear of not being loved is greater than the need to be loved. to care is a disease that corrodes your bones if you use it too much. sometimes i burn other people just so i dont have to feel the sting first, i confess, but thats who youre turning me into, but who gives a ****, one day ill change my name and write a book.
whatever. i used to be belligerent, but then all of my friends died. now im a fire build in the pervade of a never ending rainstorm. its my depression, but everyone calls me killer because i pass them cigarettes even though their boyfriends hate the smell.
i don't need you and you don't need me. you dont care about books, or poetry, or silence, or experience, or art. ive known that since the moment i met you, but i thought you wanted to know. ukulele girl and the basketball star. BUT thats just why youll never know me, youll never know my brain, youll never be able to think my thoughts.
IT IS SO ******* EASY TO LOVE ME
EVERYONE IS TOO LAZY TO LOVE ME
STEAL LIKE AN ARTIST, NICK, if you want to know someone you have to learn at least three of their muses for they make up most of the person you want to get to knowing. then if you really want to know them, better than they know themselves, learn three of their three muse's muses. thats why i gave you love is a dog from hell and grapes of wrath. bukowski loved hemingway.
thats why i go to all your stupid basketball games alone just to sit in the desolate student section because i want to take the time to understand the love of someone i love. people arent the same as me. they look at the world, and its too big to fit the whole picture in front of their faces, so they cant fathom it. but to me it seems easy. but thats just why love ever lasts.
no one wants to know their lovers three muses three muses. as if it is so hard to read a god ****** book. everyone is so greedy they want to gobble up the soul of the first thing they think is beautiful. they dont want to keep them like a cactus in their bedroom, they just snip them at the stem and put them on a shelf just to watch them as they rot.
because everyone thinks that to love is to own.
but when i read poetry i feel intoxicated. i will sit there and read a poem until its meaning is exhausted because, to me, it is so rich to experience a feeling so vividly. my heart quiets to a slow beat in my chest, just to hear the words quiet in my head. thats how love should always feel. it should be reading everyone of your lovers metaphorical books  just so you can know them better. because knowing them makes you feel whole.
but if you want to leave then why dont you just go
haphazard thoughts at actual 3:30 a.m.
634 · Apr 2014
serenity
Cassidy Vautier Apr 2014
she is disarray,
heart of quandary,
clutter of thoughts,
bestrewn responsibility.

she lays
cool grass tickling her cheeks.
her entire world,
tangled as the spirals in her hair,
drifting overhead.

that day
she let go of the shambles
of everything that was.

her worries,
once so heavy,
became the clouds.
and she had nothing but blue skies
Cassidy Vautier Sep 2014
green tea with honey
eggs accompanied by whole grain toast
Bukowski placed to the upper left of me
Mozart chirps a melody
that rings desperacy and hopefulness
it's been two days since I've been able
to stomach more than a glass of water
and the barely eaten food I've prepared
knaws and twists at my stomach
the front door is swung open
and has been since 6:15 a.m.
so that the freshly birthed fall breeze
plays pins and needles
over my bare skin
I pretend not to notice
try to continue reading
hope not to believe that the only thing
I can feel anymore
is the cold
600 · Aug 2015
jealous of the bar band
Cassidy Vautier Aug 2015
stare up at the sky
like theres some place
youd rather be

"why isn't it enough to be here
with just me"

look down because its plain to see
that i love a little too much
but today i am not me

lost in the bar crowd
look for the bathroom
sound of the bar band
look around the room

ex girl is sitting there
i think its understood
574 · May 2014
the drunk chronicles
Cassidy Vautier May 2014
March 10, 2013
you smiled at me today
i remembered all the stories you wrote me
still hung in the closet where we painted the stars
and then i thought about how heavy my heart grew
when none of your stories were about me
but mine where of you
i hope they're in your sock drawer with my old tie die shirt
and tonight i'm dying all over for you

March 17, 2013
you find yourself in a room
pretending not to immensely alone
surrounded by people
who are pretending to not feel immensely alone
are you alone?

March 29, 2013
you aren't the people you surround yourself with
you are not the things you feel when you are alone
(repeat)

April 24, 2013
we are born empty
life spent fill ourselves with
knowledge and the more palpable
michelangelo
artist mind, with a poets heart
maybe the bubble of everything that he was
was too full with thoughts and wonder to fit any things or humans
he died alone, in a slum, with his golden nothings
and maybe thats all that loneliness is,
the overflowing thoughts in our heads

April 26, 2013
i've realized that i'm okay
the trees are blooming beautiful baby greens
the sun is shining so sweetly
the breeze whispering my name

May 1, 2013
everyday is drifting by
and i'm wrapped up
in this sickeningly sweet
numb half way happiness

May 17, 2013
you watched slurred words
haunched over the dance floor
everyone laughed, but you just starred with pursed lips
you were ashamed, and i hope you're sorry
for snapping me in two

May 19, 2013
i awoke next to a strange boy the other day,
light pounding on eyelids with the 6:30 sunrise
how is it possible to feel so alone with someones arms
wrapped so tightly around you.
i fell asleep next to him holding his face
mind and stomach churning
and i've kissed a lot of pretty strangers,
but none like the one i loved and knew so well
Cassidy Vautier Dec 2014
it would unwind the knots in my stomach
words weren't meant to wind on this way
but you know i would write you a novel
when i could tell you the whole story
with three words
558 · Feb 2014
2:58 a.m.
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
pouring another cup of coffee
to continue a daydream of you
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
clinging to my phone
awaiting just a few words from you
with heavy eyes
and hopeful heart
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
discovering the dustiest corners
of your souls
one night at a time
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
daring to ask you how long
forever would be
with lit eyes
and hungry heart
months ago at this time
i never would have imagined
that months later at this exact time
you would be falling asleep
and i would be falling apart
because
our forever
wasnt what I wished for
months ago at this exact time
Cassidy Vautier Jan 2015
I grabbed hold of her wrist
and my hand closed from tip to tip
I said
"you've taken the diet too far, you have got to let it slip"
But she's not eating again,
she's not eating again,
she's not eating again,
she's not eating again.
I ask her to speak French and then I need her to translate,
I get the feeling she makes the meaning more significant,
She was always far too pretty for me to believe in a single word she said,
believe a word she said.
-----------------------
A good place to look to the future is when you are sat at the sea,
With the salt up to your ankles and a view of the end of the pier,
You may look down at your model's feet
and wish that you'd
just float away,
And the weather here is overcast
and the sea is the same shade of grey,
So the landscape before you looks just like the
edge of the world,
But to the left side and the right side,
either way is a crazy golf course.
The sea is a good place to think of the future.
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
The rainy season was the worst.
It rained,
and rained,
and rained.
It never let up.
We worked through it,
ran through it,
marched through it,
and even swam through it.
Then once it stopped,
the sun came up and dried everything up.
Then it was back to normal,
the old timers said.
Although four months of rain was all I’d really seen.

When the rainy season went
and the hot wet tropical weather came back
it was beautiful.
I’d never seen so many shades of green in all my life.
It was a beautiful sight.
Its funny how you can remember
all those things from so long ago
and far away,
but other things are like burns in your mind,
and the rest are those memories
you can’t seem to shake out of your head,
even though you wish you could,
they’re like yesterday to me.

All my life I’d never had such dear friends
than those that I’d met on my tour.
I see them all everyday like they came back from yesterday.
Yesterday was a sad day.
I’d never seen so much blood in all my life.
It was a very hard day,
that yesterday was.

We came out of that oh so green jungle
God the shades I’d seen  
Shades of red that day.
We’d come up onto this pretty little road,
and everyone no matter how cruel or harsh
saw the beauty that day.
Just like a bolt of lightning
screaming across the midnight black sky,
it was gone.

I see it everyday
but it’s quite distanced in my mind.
It happened so quick,
such a cruel trick to play
on that most beautiful day.

Like thunder heard
from atop a tall mountain
the shells went off scattering us,
far apart.
Like the hard driven rain the bullets hailed.
Dank red blood.


I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime
I’ve drank from that crystal lake in the mountain
I’ve ran in a decanting sunrise
Sailed my boat through a hurricane
Yeah, I’ve seen a lot
Done a lot.
I saw men die
I’ve seen life begin
Its a hand life I’ve lived
A friend died by a lake in the mountain
He died in my arms
The blood covered him like a mask
Hiding the friend I once loved
Life’s cruel
There’s war
There’s death
God gives us life and takes it away only to make us kings after the tribulation

I remember a guard friend
as I stare a glance through the air.
Memories came back from long ago...
So far away...
They are like yesterday....
Like a scared child I look away.
Pray, pray, pray for God to take me away.

Its a whole other country you know.
I’ve seen it, felt it, heard it.
I see it everyday.
So green and beautiful.
Green to hide the blood.
I feel the blood running down my face from the scars.
Scars of the save.

-
I’m going to the desert soon.
It will be so nice.
So hot, so dry,
I will almost fry,
and when death winks at me,
I will die,
in the desert my spirt will fly,
my body will sigh,
a sigh of relief,
open the pearly white gates,
Im coming home.
Lord save me.
My mom went to art school, and so I've always had art sketch pads floating around my house, barely written in. I finally filled my own, and was on the pursuit of another one, because i had an idea for a drawing.. I came across a pad (only 1/4 filled, with a few loose letters an envelopes inside), after reading through it I found these written in. My dad was only deployed for a year/or less and sent home due to severe PTSD and back pain.

Reading this especially upsets me because there are so many things about our parents we don't know. I've never considered my dad as artistic, or full of feelings, articulations like this..
487 · Mar 2014
questions
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
you are questions to me

do you like me?
are you going too?
do you like this song?
are you okay?
do you want to go out on saturday?
what are we?
do you want to kiss me?
are you happy?
what were you thinking when you met me?
why are you leaving me?
who’s that?
do you even care?
are you coming back?
do you miss me?
call me back?
please?


but mostly
you are the questions
that i am too afraid to ask
i know my heart
won’t understand the answer
and it will split into pieces
searching for an answer
467 · Feb 2016
post dog days
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2016
The air was thick with a reminiscent July sort of heat that crashed around us like ocean waves as we barreled through it. All that the world was, was laid there before my eyes, a pervade of red and green smeared through the corners of my eyes as I flew through it's tunnels of fresh pavement. I wasn't good at skating, neither was T, but she pretended to be. Each turn was a whole hearted attempt not to be taken victim by the tar I was trying to own. My head was half made up of the passed summer and half resisting my own momentum.

A Wonder Years song was repeating in my head and so I hummed along. I don't think T cared about anything, summer or falling, playing chance on the yellow line, her caramel hair violently dancing in the sunshine. She was a made up of collection of high school parties, anger never spoken, and a suspended drivers license tied together in a pair of ripped shorts and a purple tank top. Summer was compiled of nights spent in her truck looking for a place to be, weekends after school started felt like attempts just to relive past nights.

Slants of light cutting through the spaces between the leaves burned into the back of my tired irises, I hadn't slept in probably days, but I felt good in my caffeine induced euphoria. Minutes felt like hours in those moments that demanded nothing but sheer focus. Days that felt like they could never end, vivid in the corners of my mind.
459 · Oct 2014
he was my September
Cassidy Vautier Oct 2014
the sky was a deep gray
against leaves on there way to brown
brilliant red, orange, yellow
falling to the still green green ground

from behind white walls
through an autumn's sea
my mind over taken by
two blue eyes staring into me

and just like the leaves
I am falling falling fast
so, please, be my darling and
my green green grass
October 1, 2014
450 · Apr 2014
Hailie
Cassidy Vautier Apr 2014
you’re looking at me through street lights and dark
you’re looking at me you’re whole world falling apart
waking the neighbors, you cry alongside the rising lark
darling don’t worry i’ll hold your world together with my heart

the demons aren’t real yet you make them your home
screaming behind walls of traumatic stress you call your own
tearing at silk stitches, flashing smiles of chrome
eyes of green lament, it was the world you let drag you down

the glistening stars fall dim in a hushed morning sky
beautiful eyes, you look at me with such deplorable lies
that night, the car, you in my arms, the words: we could die
heart beat rampant, eyes glazed with clouds you whisper goodbyes

you’re seated beside me, apologies and feelings left bestrewn
lethargic beauty, you act as if you are the daybreak’s evanescent moon
mind collapsing into craters, you threaten forever so soon
448 · Mar 2014
the charming void
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
right now i couldn’t care less about how you’re feeling
i don’t ******* care about what you think
you don’t care now?

you didn’t care
the night you forgot me
when you looked at her pretty blue eyes

you didn’t care
two summers ago
in the back of your mom’s car
even though i said no

tell me a day you did love me*

what a vicious cycle
we’re being dragged in
you broke my heart
i broke a million hearts
now
i’ve finally broke your’s

the victim cries
because i’ve broken everything
how mercilessly i exist

you left me empty
the air missing in my lungs
words hanging from my lips
sunken eyes

you blame me
i blame you
for creating the monster
who flashes that smile
tilts her pretty little head
who pushes boys into walls
with empty intent
and repentant eyes

i’m destroying myself
they think i’m enjoying myself
someone hold me down
you make me wonder
how so much destruction
can be caused at the hands
of someone so small
441 · Mar 2014
uncomfortably numb
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
poetry
it is the way the pen taps at an anxious hand
waiting for the words to catch up to emotions
your head unscrewed at the top
your thoughts dribbling down your cheeks
in droplets onto paper

ink flows with ease
when flowers blossom in your mind
reaching their way through your chest
or
when your heart is clenched so tightly
to keep from shattering

i sit here empty
sunken eyes
cracked fingers trace paper
and i am uncomfortably numb

evil has looked back at me
razors down my back
i’ve felt the sun on my mind
a heart of healed cracks

i cursed the past
tried something new
and i managed somehow to live
without holding you

tonight simply i’m nothing
blank as the page before me
i hope that soon
the universe hands me
a bouquet of life
a handful of seeds
that i can plant as new thoughts

i need something
431 · May 2016
the day it fell apart
Cassidy Vautier May 2016
Driving too fast on my way to get you because the sky is opening up into the Heavens, thinking that a sunset can make you fall back in love. I pick you up, but you've already haloed. My heart is telling me to grab your hand, my hand is telling me to take another drag of the cigarette we're sharing. Hiding beneath the cuffs of my jacket, sitting on the hood of my hatchback. Never knowing whether to fall into you, or fall apart. I look at you against the mauve sky and I can't remember the last time you weren't high.
427 · Feb 2014
the people at school
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
i see people
they’re wearing those sneakers
i’m wearing those sneakers too
but i first saw them laced
upon my music saviors feet
in 1980 something
and not on the pretty girl's

her poetry is sad
i throw my head in the voice’s direction
i sigh
when the girl who mourns for consolation
claims ownership
they think she’s specials
beautiful broken
deep as the sea
i wonder if i seem just like her
i wish there was something special

i touched your back
as you cried
because i wished for your repair
you didn't feel it between all the other's
as they touched your back
filled with curiousness
searching for a cause of your woe

you declaimed your hate of the world
to me
i sat beside you
grasping your words
tossing them between the fingers of my thoughts
they sat beside you
anticipating their next turn to speak
and what that would lump consists of
feeling only a fraction of apprehension for your words
you thank them for listening
and not me

i wish the world turned on genuine intent
now it feels wrong and mixed up
to exist as i do
despite assumable unawareness
i understand them
i have no right to say this anyways

i’m scared because
i’m probably just like them
and maybe they’re just like me

everyone is different
are we though?
maybe we all have the same soul
just different comprehensions and articulation

i’m scared because
i’ll never know
i cant explain half the things i feel
nobody can explain half the things they feel

maybe i’m wrong about it all
we're all so small
it doesn't matter that we wear the same shoes
really rough, this doesn't begin to explain my inner conflict on it all
420 · Feb 2014
i still hope you come back
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
it was a damp burning day in mid june
the dusk threatening to scorch the mountains
the air so thick we might as well have drown

from the nauseating condition of the summer
we found ourselves seeking refuge,
maybe in more than one way
laying in the pews of a dusty church
the plague of memories hanging heavy in the air

you were standing in a shadow
cast by God’s gates
she was whispering your name
from inside
as you sat where she once had
i was millions of miles away
pulling on God’s arm
begging for you to stay

still we sat there
tossing words about life and death
back and forth between the two of us
as we sat in two places
both those things had so greatly touched
i felt God’s eyes resting on us
the universe so immense
so minuscule, we were

now you’re with them
and i’m too scared
to sit in the front row at church

walking into hospitals
its wrapping weights around my ankles and jumping into a pool
of all the farewells whispered to you
i hold my breath
because your name and so long
are a shot of vinegar i refuse to take

you’re still here
i saw you in a dream
i hope there is a heaven.
412 · Mar 2014
come back with the rain
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
you told me you loved
the sound of rain
beating on your rooftop

in the relenting heat of august
wearily we awaited the storm clouds to [come] in
the crack of lightning in the sky
the warm wind whipping through the green

at last a grey day
out of the blue
slowly and then all at once
all other noises were drown away
silence filled with the furious pitter patter
millions of watery needles
striking the tin roof

you were a common thought of mine
[back] in that time
fitting, i found it
to dial your number
together we basked in the tirade
of the storm

you laid in your bed
phone pressed to you face
miles away
i laid in mine
listening to your stories
with the orchestra of nature
pervading in the background

not too soon after
the room filled [with] sleepy smiles
and quiet giggles
i laid next to you
watching your eyes
as they wandered from the ceiling to mine
whispering stories to me
[the] same aqueous anthem surrounding us
that time your hands entangled with mine

tonight
the [rain] is knocking at my window
wondering where you’ve gone
our song plays dismally around the room

i'll bet you're laying in your bed
on your side listening too
i hope you wonder if i'm listening
i hope you remember
how much i loved the rain
beating on my roof

my hands reach for the cool side of the bed
where you once would have met me
i can feel your absents on my finger tips

an occurrence filled with so much content
is now filing a gaping hole in my chest
just like the reminiscent rain
your voice leaves me cold
even on the loveliest days
for the boy who bought a cd with only the content of tropical rainforest storms, so he could sleep at night. you were everything. you remain with the rain.
383 · Mar 2014
hopeful
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
no matter how much
i curse the world and myself

i love it all
being gifted another day
living in a universe
of endless possibilities

waking to the stars
fading in the sky

the summer nights
where the kiss of sleep
meets you in the morning light

the way
you can see the moon
waiting in the evening

the fear in taking chances
the quiet thank you’s
when its was worth it

the stiffness that meets you
after a night of
swinging arms and
endless dancing

the hugs hello
after goodbye seemed like a forever

the dive of pins and needles
in the first hot week of june

and the aspect that
things have a way
of working themselves out

i’m in love with the promise
that something fantastic
is happening somewhere
today i am hopeful
380 · Jul 2014
2 years...
Cassidy Vautier Jul 2014
turn my lungs into ashes
to steal the attention from the burns on my heart
every night my heart stumbles and crashes
its been too long for me to still be falling apart

far too long has it taken me to realize your gone
far too gone, i can’t recall your voice its been that ******* long
every day you play in the back of my mind like a sad sad song
things took a turn for the worst, somewhere in the mess i went so so wrong

candle left burning in the back of my mind
i ****** up, i was supposed to leave you behind
fire spreading, mind an agonizing blaze
its the thoughts you can’t shake, running from you for days
Cassidy Vautier May 2016
Maybe we need to forget each other - the sound of each other's voices, the way our skin feels pressed together, the faces we make when we throw our heads back in laughter. Maybe I'll meet you in the back seat of a car again one day and we can start all over as the people were before.
334 · Feb 2014
February Nights
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
you can feel the silence
the weight of the quietness in the room
the incurable ringing in your ears

you can feel the cold
seeping into all corners
of the room
of you
there is never a contenting lack of warmth
that can match the lukewarm feeling
of the blood wrongly pulsing through your veins
emitted from a self loathing heart
as the air settles it offers
the sensation of an uncountable amount needles
being evening sunken into your skin

the february night offers you no consolation
so you remain still
begging to hear
the whisper of the trees
as if they can find  some words
to leave you with an impression
that will make you to love yourself

there is a haunting truth
no one will
pick you up from the freezing floor
no one is creeping silently up the stairs
to tuck you into your bed
no one knows
that you suffer

you wonder
is their anyone in the world,
who maybe feels the same
mixed up emptiness
that you do?
who lusts to lay against you
to mend the heartbreak swelling in your chest
and
to soak the misery from your bones

you hope silently
in the bitterness of the night
that somebody does
the window was open
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
i see the distress marked across your face
the fade in your smile
the way you look to the floor
for comfort
when he walks by
seemingly not giving your presence
a second thought

but i see
just as you pass him
he steals a last glance of you
from the corner of his eyes
he wonders
are you doing well?
do you still think of him?
is the reason
you turn your head
because you don’t remember?
is your heart still filled with anger?

i see the conflict behind his eyes
i’ll bet
he lays awake at night
missing you

missing the way
you stole his little things
although returning them
before the day was done

missing the way
you waved your hands
mind wandering
lost,
in the recollections
with the stories you would tell
hoping he would smile

somedays
when you pass him
on your way to class
ear buds in
world closed out
he mourns to push the hair back from your face
to steal away the sadness in your eyes

but there are days
where he is content
without
your lips upon his own

there are days
when he is sure the decision he made was right
but
there is not a day when you don’t cross his mind

he has days full of regret,
but
he has days of certainty
in some way
you have a piece of his heart
a corner of his mind

so don’t
close your eyes
turn your head
try to make yourself so small
that you disappear

don’t loath
the way you laugh
or your crooked tooth
the loudness of your voice
when you try to make others smile

don’t let the thoughts
that scream to you at night
win
telling you
that you did something wrong
that you weren’t good
that if you had
worn your hair down that day
or sang in a better key
he would have stayed

don’t
don’t wish for him to come back

because you deserve someone
who is sure
of having a heart
that skips a beat when you appear


because
you deserve someone
who’s smile meets the rising sun
on sunday mornings
with a bubbling excitement
that hours from that point
they will see a radiant you

don’t stop loving yourself
because somebody else did

and don’t wait for someone
who will make you love yourself
either

love yourself
because one day
someone so wonderful
will grow
into your days
who has fingers
that entangle so perfectly with your own
and a presence
that wraps around your heart

because one day
somebody
will look at you
with the same fire in their eyes
as you do
when you watch a burning sky

one day
you will be a sunset
that sends kisses
that reduces
a fading purple sky
into stardust
Cassidy Vautier Apr 2014
there was always something about my life,
in a way that it wasn't my own.
loss is just another thing waiting outside the door

you should never look to a parent
and see nothing in their eyes
its terrifying that we're all just tearing out each other's insides

i'm waiting for life to come
but this "life" is in my way
it's not my own
it waiting for what someone else will say

and for me theres just no future
just your own in your narrow eyes
those empty threats aren't words anymore
because death isn't a lie

i've been beating my head against the door
because you were waiting to leave
i felt the pain more
because it was wrong and all that i could see

heartbreak seeping down the walls
sweat and tears left on the sheets
and i'm here left waiting
this life isn't up to me

in someway i can't wait to go
but it tears me apart to leave
destructive love turned to tears
i'm blind and i can't breath
destructive relationship
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
there are universes inside my head
stars in my eyes
fractions of the chaos
thats inside my mind

sighing fumes
they believe that i’m better
i’m just great
drowning under the weather

the room is spinning
darkness creeping back in
my eyes search the room
i’m without a friend

please take me home
i begin to mutter
your rough hands
push me down
and pull me back under

laying awake
completely alone by your side
you’ve taken the light from me
there are not stars in my eyes

i’m standing in a room
filled with my friends
they don’t know
that their minds are all dead

the world is spinning
just like the room
somewhere between it all
i became just like you

i’m not me right now,
just give me some time
i’ll take this all back
erase that bad night

my mind is screaming
just let me go
when i’m with you
i’d rather be alone
308 · Feb 2014
pull me down
Cassidy Vautier Feb 2014
that’ll **** you
you screamed at me

you’re killing me
i whispered
but you couldn’t hear me
as you lifted me from the floor

mediocre adolescence
told me
that to live
to exist in a meaningful way
is to burn your lungs
to break bottles
over your soul
to quiet a throbbing mind

i was refusing to look into your eyes
yet i was starring straight into them
were you scared of me?

you were the ocean
wondrous
a delightfully tempting invite to jump in

i was a storm
the kind of devastation you relish to watch
but dont dare to touch

we met
breathtaking, it may have been
but you were beautiful on your own
and i was nothing without you

you shook me
screaming my name

i couldn’t hear you
yet your words
resonated
even now still
ringing in my ears

dont let me go
dont let me go*

i swear
your eyes were the only thing
keeping me from being torn from the earth
308 · Jun 2014
zakleon
Cassidy Vautier Jun 2014
he was static electricity, room illuminated when he was near
welcoming coffee eyes, his laughter was all i could hear
warm fingers trace my veins, he made me want to be better
home was in his arms, please, lets just lay here forever

he had a mind like the oceans, mine still so small
he was the world, i was nothing at all
he outgrew me like a favorite pair of shoes
he had ships left to sale, but to me he was all i knew
Cassidy Vautier Mar 2014
blast the beatles
sit in the shower
wash every corner of your body
wash the bad thoughts down the drain

go to a party and stay sober
watch all the people
listen to the words
they don't want to remember in the morning

light a cigarette
draw in the first cloud of smoke
let your lungs burn and cry
thank yourself because you're not addicted to nicotine

let it all ******* go
sit down with your favorite friend
share the origins of everything you feel
talk about the routes of your being
how your here now and where you want to be
its okay to let them see

never hesitate to be selfish with yourself
if there is one person you give your everything to
it should be yourself
everyone is busy building themselves
they are wrong to make you a slave to their feelings

pierce your nose
wear what you like
do not fear opinions of others
do not bow your head when they disagree
you live for yourself, not for them

be compassionate
give without reason
smile and love everyone
because everyone needs it

only speak of the things you love
and keep quiet of the things you do not
hate is a poison
298 · May 2016
Day 1
Cassidy Vautier May 2016
You are talking, you are crying
And wishing I was there
I am sitting, I am watching
And of the truth I am aware
But I am stuck inside this body
That cannot convince itself to care

There's a melancholy to the room
A blankness to his stare
Letting me know that he is not completely there
298 · Apr 2014
was
Cassidy Vautier Apr 2014
was
"the storm won't last forever"* they always told her
anxiety grew with age, for she was the chaos on the ocean
she was the storm for all that it **was
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