Twelve dozen flowers I've yet to see
From countries far away
I'd love to pick each one with you
And watch them all decay

In last night's dream I met the 3 fates
They said, in unison, I could go back in time
Just for 24 hours, to any day I wanted

I picked the day you died.

I ran to your house and explained
What would happen to you, soon
Thinking, in my hubris, I could stop it

At first, you thought I was joking
Or playing some sort of cruel trick
Until you saw the tears form
I hugged you, in a way I hadn't
In over twenty years and said I was sorry

We stayed up all night watching bad tv
Eating sweet snacks from the pantry
I read to you, my favourite poetry
I told you everything, and I lied
That I was happy, that I'm okay

And for a moment I thought that maybe
It wouldn't happen. That you wouldn't go.

Soon after, a gasp for air.
The death rattle. I held your hand.
I watched you die and was helpless to stop it.
But I was there with you, in my dream
To the very end, you were never alone

I wish I could've been there with you
Traumatizing as it would have been for me
I'm so sorry I wasn't there

you define who you are
by maybes and not-so-bads
as boundaries disappear between us
I see a filled canvas of colour
every brush stroke placed perfectly
you are the epicentre of art
truth and beauty collide

but-
some truth you have yet to uncover:
no one of us is complete
everything disowned can be recovered
your inhibitions are fantasy
you cannot maintain a status quo
that makes you unhappy
or expect happiness in the static

instead, invest in yourself
you need time to grow
a thousand seeds in a desert
will never create a garden
just as a thousand compliments
will never bloom if you don't
first learn
to love yourself

pain can be a muse, too
it's twinge always familiar for me
that it begins to feel like home
and I gladly let it consume me

It means I'm alive,

I remind myself to use it
fill a canvas with an empty heart
remember what beauty looks like
even when blindfolded

and I remember,

in the darkness I can still
find your lips on mine
feel your weight against me
hear breath and words on my neck

pain can be a love, too

because without one
there cannot exist the other
so I'd rather take them both
than never experience either

I wait for the ground to reclaim me
organic tissue, clothing of cotton
biodegradable, degraded
metallic dirt with soot and wood
blood spills from my mouth
uncontrollable
I am injured and waiting
I gurgle through a deep reverie
where the ground swallows me whole

cold soil poured over flesh
artisanal grave keepers
bury me along the elms and oaks
and I become strong enough
to conquer my darkest self
to dig out of the night
and somehow, somewhere
find you with my last breath
in my final hour
to say the words I mean--
it is you
it has always been you
the answer
to the unasked question
the vision late at night
before my sweetest slumber
the craving when I don't know
what I want
has always been you

but I stare at the sky
feel cold, sticky blood
leave my body
and wait for the ground
to claim me

the poppies bloom, the orchids, too
sweetest flowers, pale petals of white
when I see them, I think of you
I'll watch you grow, your dreams take flight

and should I be there, in your dreams
watching the stars throughout the night
we'll sleep beneath the moon beams
that spark our hearts to ignite

this is love, pure as day
in your laugh I take delight
I love you so, I must now say
because our lives are finite

since we leave this earthly world
hold me now, near and tight
watch our love as it unfurls
and we will sway, under starlight

I'm sick and my skin hurts, I said
you smiled at me, that coy side smile
and asked if my host was rejecting this body
... maybe it is.
thirty years is a long time to live in one shell
like a hermit crab, I've outgrown my home
this illness is my body's way of reminding me
that it's time to find something greater
move on, my skin whispers
... so I do.
I decide to become someone different
a new sleeve to hold my being
it's not as difficult as you might think
shapeshifting takes time and energy
but it can be a rewarding practice
soon I'll feel comfortable in my skin
once more

I used to live near water
spent summers on the island
in cottages near the eastern ocean
I picked sand dollars and saw whales
back then I didn't realize
what force the ocean holds
that it will drown you just as quickly
as it will carry you home
I would rather die than hold my breath
dive heart first and get carried away, lost
there's nothing on the shore I love
I ache to feel the water once more
playful waves hugging my skin
in the depths of the ocean, I find home

place your head on my lap, love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
you'll drink wine on the grass
my fingers dancing through your hair

your eyes could never betray
the feelings that you hold
they whisper to me thoughts
of what we've left untold

I want to bathe in your golden warmth
drink the elixir of your lips
please allow our love to flourish
if only in the wilds of our scripts

your eyes, your lips, your words
slake my growing thirst
while my very soul sails forward
the seas of your attraction submerse

so lay down with me, my love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
my passion for you
is found everywhere

dear, settle not for inauthentic love
find a poet who keeps your soul ablaze
someone exists who fits you like a glove
and will love you for who you are, always

it is not too much to ask for romance
candle-lit dinners, **** notes, warm baths
there is a power in love at first glance
but true romance keeps your journey on path

so keep your chin up and find a poet
for they will know love, and how to show it

I saw you last night once more
golden waves cascading
down your shoulders
we lived in a tiny log house
on the ocean
like you've always wanted
a cozy space for us to write
the windchimes whistling
watching Disney movies on VHS
a cold winter night
our faux-fireplace on high
keeping warm with body heat
fields of vanilla and spring lavender
ocean salt in the air
my fingers on the small of your back
you killed me quietly and said
you wanted to break free
I didn't mind dying by your hand
I hated waking up

I am haunted by memories
so dated and fake
remembering your face
the night you drowned in the lake
the way your hair tangled and laced
pruned fingers and bloated hands
your eyes long gone black
the final grains of sand
your brow already slack
"you promised me an always"
I mumbled, quietly
your body upwards lay
floating in the sea
through puffed cheeks
I could've sworn I saw
the words I so seeked
move from your jaw
"I'm sorry," you said
"we had a merciful end,
but long since I've been dead
at my will you should not bend"
and I understood now
all you meant and said
the permission you allowed
words replayed through my head
and I found a way to let you go

Your silver tinsel smile
Warm breath against my neck
Lips parted and I can almost taste you
Bubbles line champagne glasses
Their edges soft as skin
The needle work
Your fingertips sew
Against my arm
Like rain drops on
A golden window pane
And a dull heart ache
At the bottom of my stomach
Pulling me under

I have often wondered, since my birth
what is my body worth?
does the outside count more than in?
humans are all born of sin--
kavanaugh weinstein trump
treat women as objects to dump
is my body for their hungry eyes?
will they undress my sweet disguise?
aware that my body is not my own
aware of my safety when I am alone
please don't think I could ever be yours
please don't harass me and shout out slurs
is an ** worth less than an xy?
how have we all turned a blind eye?

I never saw the larches grow
spent every fall dreaming of snow
you say their needles color-change
each year we grew more estranged

I never saw a red wood sprout
you begged me to remain devout
follow you through dawn and dusk
leave behind an empty husk

I never saw an elm take root
knew youth would not restitute
as crow's feet and lines set in
I thought of what did not begin

I never saw alpine ranges, steep
nor dared venture through oceans deep
never walked through sandy dunes
nor soared through skies in air balloons

for every star I never saw shine
moments spent in the sideline
I vow to make the most of today
before alone, I pass away

sometimes I wish I could scoop you up
and place you carefully in my pocket
safe, tucked away from anything
or anyone that could hurt you

buds grow from an empty stem
remind me life's worth living again
tell me my soul won't burn up here
that I won't die without you near
hold out hope once anew
caress the drops of morning dew
seek your pain, seek your thrill
seek the love that could only fill
now in fire, edges crisp to sear
but I'll always hold you ever dear

skin of silken cream
warmth in your heart
your eyes are a dream
though we are apart
my darling, you're lovely
and I miss you so
and while we're apart
my love only grows

I paint in vivids and brights
chiffon and silk, soft strokes
my brush kisses canvas
a mutual exchange of love
line weight tickles edges
bristles contour shape and body
but creating beautiful art
seems disingenuous
when I am ugly

you loved wild flowers
like lavender
intense purple silk
against your edges
I watched you bloom
your petals opaque
brilliance spills like dew
intensity and fearlessness
a spirit so wild and bold
that it doesn't care about
who it touches or hurts
you say wildflowers have
no thorns but I could've sworn
these cuts didn't exist before you

you have been in a hard place for too long
your unhappiness is a dark alley
whether it was a bad left or turn wrong
you are now wandering through death valley

you never wanted this, you say aloud
closing your eyes and waiting for an end
until the day you seize heavens and clouds
and the nightmare itself, I watch you fend

see you rebel against your binding chains
the taste of sweet defiance on your lips
a revolution shoots through every vein
insurgency whispers from every tip

now your days become yours, and yours alone
while I marvel and watch you take your throne

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself

i am slipping
heart melting
bury me down
and i won't rise
remember tequila shots
and first times?
our spirits etched
crudely into each other?
and you were the one
to let me go
brought your shovel
entombed us both
i wish i could forget
your smiling eyes
dancing for me alone

I have often wondered how it would feel
to live in a world of my own
to exist in a place where time does not steal
and live every moment alone

I would create poetry, nonfiction, and art
I would read every book on my shelf, at last
though there is a sadness within me in part
it dissipates eagerly and life moves on fast

I alone would have the stars as no one else does
to watch them twinkle and interpret all that they say
I alone would remember history and what once was
as I set out on a brand new journey each day

I wanted a clean break
so I compartmentalized
my friends     and      his

I didn't fight for you
but I should've

we had picked out your
birthday gift together
I never made the party
the gift was a reminder
of our failure as a couple
it's not a good excuse
but it's the one I have
I put my own feelings of shame
over our friendship
because that was simpler

the truth is, I was scared, too
I've never told anyone that

I'd watch your soccer games
you would run across the field
your body athletic and agile
tall and capable in ways I could
only wish I had been
and I was scared to see you weak

I'll never forget your last media post
two hours before you died
about how you couldn't stop coughing

I regret the birthday gift
you never got to open

I'll ride on sparkling rainbows
to sandy shore lines far away
follow the beams and rays that glow
while rain drops form a bouquet

watch me dance through the sky
with the stars, I will sway
while playing with clouds, I fly
I'll learn to lose you on the way

you poured gold over my scars
caressed them with tenderness
held me while I wept that snowy afternoon
destroyed and recreated
you told me I didn't have to see myself
as broken, despite the fact
I felt shattered and torn
fragile as glass or porcelain

I've fought myself for years
lost to the demon inside that told me
become so thin you disappear
walk in the tundra until you freeze
make yourself bleed to death
I only loved myself when you held me
loved my body because it was yours then
that it could feel your touch and breath

now I fell and broke with a crash
my jagged pieces formed a puzzle
I can still be useful and full of good
I've picked up the pieces one by one
put myself back together this time
ignored the voices wanting pain
became my own gold and watched it
sparkle as I rebuild myself

through brandy doors we steal
kisses and argue about transcendentalism
you tell me morality is more than philosophy
it's a way of life you follow regardless
but to me, what is moral has always been relative
wars fought or people killed is biblical morality
justified as an act for greater good
divine and righteous punishment like saints
sightless martyrs holding up the stars
we count the knots in twisted trunks
life itself as tedious as pushing boulders up hills
your fingers on my skin are meaning
your eyes and lips are purpose
staving away the absurd to tomorrow

it's fatalistic to believe
life provides no choices
there are two sides
to every knife
but the blade
still cuts the same

I kept giving away
tiny pieces of myself

until there was nothing left

listening to instrumental music alone
typing away at my mundane paper
cold, tired, depressed

this is my life
every day, I am lonely
I am alone

and someday I will die
this very same way
cold, tired, depressed, alone

but when I die
I do not wish you to think
I have always been like this

you made me happy
you made me feel whole
you warmed me up

let me nap nestled against you
thanks to you, I felt happiness
thanks to you, I was loved

I don't want to write about love or beauty
I don't even know if I want to write about truth
my past is filled with unreliable narrators
and hazy bits of memories and thoughts

they tell us in school to write what we know
but even what is known is unknown
and even things I have seen I can't believe
blanks in memory filled in subconsciously

sometimes my brain reconnects the dots
and it feels like I'm remembering all the bad
all the things I never wanted to see again
especially not right before I fall asleep

you've been so careful to handle me
with precision to the point of omission
a delicate disregard for my existence
retreated when faced with resistance
your persistence was consistent
that our love would go the distance
but I wasn't heard or understood
caught up in a life of could and should
never thinking of what I wanted
what I had been wanting all this time
and it's daunting and exhausting
to know you didn't see me
but the key to unlock the person I am
has felt crammed in this sham
of fragility fragmented to falter
I am not made for you, I want to scream
complacent in your life as a team
in between this bad dream
of ruined self-esteem, I miss
the spark of connection with lovers
feeling affection under the covers
kisses that feel like fire with desire
burning through my entire being
so break what you're protecting
stop deflecting and objecting
time to stop redirecting my reflecting
and start reconnecting with yourself

I once met a man as blind as the sea
Whose waves crashed down indiscriminately
Dark hair in hand, he whispered to me,
His voice quiet, a solemn plea

He wanted me to throw myself away
This, the meaning his message did convey
Become someone who would make him stay
Quell his waves to still and grey

A good girl - I do as I'm told
I become someone easier to hold
Remove the parts of me too bold
Despite the ocean remaining cold

Til my happiness is a dream unfound
Til my thoughts are still and bound
Til I feel as though I've drowned
Just hoping that he'd come around

But his ocean held no coloured light
It only served to spark and ignite
My colours escaped despite his plight
My wings grew and I took flight

the flowers in my yard
each wilt one by one
without love fast and hard
the weeds 'come over run

poppies hang in shame
red petals fall off their bulb
I feel the silent cries of pain
as stems are crushed to pulp

the petals start to die and decay
but you seem to notice little
as long as one exists for play
it doesn't matter if it's brittle

so you pull and pluck and take
the things you once thought pretty
you can't hear a faint heart break
with the loud noises of this city

you tug and whisper far too loud
she loves me, she loves me not
the fog of simple minds will shroud
and twist and tease away a thought

I can be iron and steel, built of bricks
a stone tablet front you've etched into
now left standing like a memorial dome
an outline recognizable and familiar
this fallout doesn't scare me and never has
imprinted blackened ghosts lay at my side
nuclear shadows of what we had said
long before the plutonium sparked
I'll be left standing, though worse for wear
but even radiation can be cleaned with time
like the decades you both gave and took
and the love that both healed and destroyed

is it my soul you see
can you break me

bone by bone
crush my skull
yours to disown
or even cull

I can fake it
long enough
in two I've split
you call me tough

but bruises form
and I am torn

hear my plea
my body swells
please, break me
I won't tell

eyes made of glass
skin becomes fallen rain
how I wish I were numb
to feel no pain
but the memory of you
will always remain

the blood in my veins
heart pulses for you
trace outlines on my wrist
a roadmap of blue
will you follow me here
is your navigation true

I fear being out of view
walking barefoot through frost
I can see my breath now
as I become lost
a cold chill tugs at my strings
when I walk to exhaust

we'd fire automatics
against painted grey skies
and hold on to what we cherish
in 20 item inventories
we'd race the grand prix on ducati's
against time
and the cruel controller
with broken buttons

you'd always lose but
continued to play
until the very end
of the race over
the checkerboard
-finish-line-

looks like you got first place this time
and i'm still trailing in the dirt
and the dust
you've left

behind

I've never felt homesick
even thousands of miles away

you're my home

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

Remember the time I played with fire?
Looked in your eyes and saw all I admire
Knew that your touch was what I desire
Didn't believe anything between us would transpire

Remember the night my heart sparked?
Those feelings between us that grew in the dark
How I was happy now, others noticed and remarked
Now without you, the contrast is stark

Remember the way that I burned?
How you told me that this is how I'll learn
Not to play with fire, now I'm not your concern
Even though it hurt, for you I still yearn

Thought you were the love of my life
Never saw you holding the knife
Darling, your words cut deep
The price of your love, too steep

You never cared much for what I had to say
Told me my dreams and desires I should delay
Said the things I've loved should be cast away
And baby, getting naked isn't actually foreplay

Now we only go to bed to count a hundred sheep
I guess loving me felt like domestic upkeep
And every night I pray I'll die before I sleep
If only so I won't have to wake and pretend I give a bleep

I tell you I'm not ready but you dive in anyway
I tell you that I'll leave when you force me here to stay
I scream and shout to let me out but you think it's all play
Did you really believe I could never be led astray?

snowdrifts, wind sculpted
bury us together inside
as our lips drift closer together
bury yourself inside
covered by the snow
covered by the blankets
hidden away from the world
just you and I
idyllic winter snowglobe
lazy saturdays in your arms
brave the winter chill
hidden near the fireplace
we'll stay indoors all year

this ain't a relationship
it's a hostage situation
I'm starting to believe I have
Stockholm syndrome for you
but in the darkness we can pretend
it feels something like love

use my skin for your push pins
like a voodoo doll of rags and sin
yours to abuse, love or leave
yours for anything, cuddle or cleave

my strings are attached to wooden crosses
between rows of stone, I count my losses
you tell me that feelings aren't for dolls
speaking to you is like hitting a wall

you tell me I'm prettier up on a shelf
you say, around me, you can be yourself
I am just your puppet in the end
in doll houses, we play pretend

I keep my lips sealed in silent stitches
dress me up in red lipstick and riches
your happiness has always been my task
even though it means I'm wearing a mask

the way your lips smirk
I am two beers in too many
you call all the shots

some days it feels like
everyone is out
living their lives
while I am typing into a void
that leaves me more empty
than when I started

maybe a bad start
is a good place to end

if you try to find my faults
you won't have to look very hard
I'm aware of every character flaw

my low self-esteem
caring too much about other people
when their bad days ruin my mood
the days I can't quite get out of bed
or the times where I've filled my mind
with thoughts welcoming death

I start to worry when someone is late
they've forgotten about me
they don't love me, or even like me
and sometimes that ends up being true
validating my own self-hatred
my brain reminds me I was right

I'm as hideous and disgusting
and unworthy of kindness
as I had always suspected

I hold everyone else up on a pedestal
every person I've encountered is
better, prettier, smarter, wiser
and I fall in love with the way
their eyes sparkle and lips curl
when they're passionately speaking

maybe I never love myself because
I can't see the spark in my own eyes
or maybe it doesn't exist at all