You're torturing me everytime we talk and you have no idea.

tears don't come anymore
so i'm heaving
in a dark room
illuminated with the light of the laptop
displaying my last picture
of you

There's this thing about me that I thought you knew by now. I love hard and I love deeply. I love full and I love endlessly.
So when there's a shot, when I see a chance, I'm gonna take it. No matter the odds, or how bad things could get. No matter what could happen, I'm gonna take the shot. Because I'm in love with you and I will always think you're worth the risk.
So if I don't see you tomorrow, I want you to know, you were worth the shot, we were worth the shot.

-bcg (i missed and that was our last throw, but ****** if it wasn't worth every sad song lyric running through my head at 2:47pm on a wednesday as i stare at the picture of you that maliciously showed up on my newsfeed the day after i flushed all my blades away)

"What you don't understand is that I could spend the rest of my life, listening to you tell me about your day."
-bcg (just one more thing to add to the list of why you should have chosen me)

I'm just waiting for the day when you finally say, "I love you."

And then I pause and finally watch you watching me.

Until I finally say, "I've loved you since I was seventeen years old, you fool, now kiss me."

i saw a movie last night that reminded me of us
strangers to lovers to friends
miles between each other
and a long beautiful goodbye

but then the movie ended
the credits rolled
and i stared at the black screen for a long time
because i was waiting for the explanation

i don't know what's next
i don't know how to pick up the pieces
i don't know how to not have your shoulder to lean on
i don't know how to exist to you only in a little screen and speaker
i don't know how to do this

but the movie ended and it was time to go home
so i’m left in a sea of “i don’t knows”

The conversation is constant with you we don't say hi or hello anymore we just continue to discuss matters important to us//like your favorite dessert your mother makes and how I hate the word why and everything that has ever or could ever make us cry//we don't need to greet eachother or acknowledge who or what "us" is we just need to continue calling until one day we don't have to call because somehow, slowly, without either of us noticing, I'm in your arms and your heart//forever

I'm seeing you again for the first time

Within a second I'll know if you still love me
Within an instant I'll know if the feeling is still there
Within a moment I'll know if I will spend the rest of my nights on the bathroom floor in tears or wrapped in your embrace

And part of me doesn't want to look
Part of me wants to just close my eyes
Or not even bother to open the door at all
Part of me wants to move on and try to fill the void with boys who will never know me

But all of me needs you
All of me wants you
All of me is living for a hope that may never come

you thought it was so odd last night
you told me that something i had said had hurt you
and i spent the whole evening trying to make it up to you
you kept on repeating it wasn't a big deal and there was nothing to make up for

and it took me until 3:24am last night to realize
you didn't understand.
you didn't understand what it was like to feel so awful due to someone else's unhappiness

when you are hurt i would do anything
make any joke
sing any song
fight any person
to make you happy.

You wouldn't.

or maybe you just lost that instinct when you fell out of love with me

It's embarrassing to say
but I talk to your picture when I can't bear it anymore
It's just I really miss you
And you aren't here to hear anymore
I almost called you the other day
just to hear your voice
and also ask you what type of deodorant you use
I could imagine the conversation
I would ask you
and you'd laugh and ask me why
and I'd say I missed the way you smelled and it's cheaper than a plane ticket
and you'd get quiet
and I'd get quiet
and the conversation would be cut short
by the same honesty that lead to you not being here anymore

You made the small things big
The little phrases and patterns we adopted as our own
You made them important, you made them feel like home
It was the way you said "I know"
Or the way I said "tell me something"
Those repeated moments grounded me
Those habitual words centered me
I never had a home until the moment I realized
You were never going to stop saying, "Hi"
{bcg}

you always could
     make my lips hungry
     and my fingers loving

and now the mere thought of seeing you
     makes my hands shake
     and my bones ache

i don't think this is a good idea
i don't think this is a good idea
                              -(seeing him in ten days)

someday i'll probably find someone new
but right now, i want you

-the drunken, "just saying hi," message left on the answering machine at 2am

You can't be the reason I don't take
the pills

You can't be the reason I don't pick up
the blade

You can't be the reason I stay here
I have to be

The way he looked at me...
        I knew he wanted me
        It was the same way the others looked at me
        And I liked it

I crave it, devour it, savor it...
        It's forbidden
        It's wrong
        It hurts

Self-harm doesn't have to be physical
I stopped cutting long ago

But every time I let another one…
        Crave me
        Devour me
        Savor me

… Look at me like that

It's a cut right through my soul

She still dances, you know? She still laughs and smiles. She still opens her heart to strangers. She’s still the girl you fell in love with.

But there are these little things I’ve been noticing. Like sometimes we’ll be driving and singing along to the radio and she’ll just stop in the middle of the chorus, pull out her phone, and just stare down at it or a full minute before putting it away. She doesn’t go on facebook anymore because she’s worried about seeing something of yours. She looks so small, her old clothes don’t look right on her. That glint in her eye she used to have after a few drinks is completely gone. Replaced by this empty glaze that is hard to look directly at. She second-guesses herself, not all the time, but for someone who never used to do that, it’s noticeable. It’s like this once confident, beautiful, intelligent girl was just spun around one too many times by this one person and she cant quite find her balance now that she’s back on the ground.

She’s still the girl you fell in love with
But you broke her, in a way that can never be completely healed.  

-bcg (please stop calling her, i’m begging you)

Some day we'll see each other again and we'll dance and sing
and at last everything will be as it was supposed to be


-bcg// someday you and i will be again (its okay, i can wait)

I remember one day we were talking and it was right after you left so I was still living for every word you wrote to me

I was frustrated, upset, but never angry. I told you it wasn't fair that you were gone and I was here and I'm devastated and you're just fine.

You said you didn't understand and it took me until now to realize you really didn't understand.

You are able to go about your day, follow the schedule, wake up without thinking. You are able to live without.

We were happy, in love, excited together. Apart I am isolated, desperate, depressed. Apart you are cold, habitual, just fine.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine."

"How are you?"
"I feel sick, sick like I'm dying. Dying from all of the things that used to make me happy. Your pictures on my computer are killing me. Your old letters are killing me. Every memory of me and you and everything we used to be, is killing me. But the thing that gets to me the most, the one thing that tops all other reason for tears: The fact that I can't talk to you about it. I can't tell you about how much I miss you or how much  I loved you or about all of the hard times. I can't ask you if you feel the same. I can't ask you if you want to try again. That's killing me, not having my best friend."

"Hi. I uh was scrolling through the note section of my phone, looking for a song I had written awhile back, and I saw all of the notes I had written while we were together.
Some of them were funny things you said that I wanted to remember. Some of them were sweet things you said that I wanted to remember.
And yeah it was kinda hard seeing those, but I was fine you know? I got through that fine. But then I started seeing the stories I had written down. Stories of things I had done or seen. But I hadn't written them down for me.
They were stories to tell you later.
But this time I read through them and I, you know, chuckled and stuff at the different encounters with strangers or odd family members.
And there was just something really poetic about enjoying these stories myself. Stories that I had compiled for you.
And I just wanted to say that I think today was maybe the first big step in the long journey of getting over you. "

I was addicted to you, but it hurt so good.
And I had to quit.

I was never okay without you, but I was surviving.
And then you reached out.

I was packed up, but then you told me I could stay home.
And you were my home.


but i am so scared, i am terrified.
what if he leaves me and i'm left like a ******* idiot again?
what if i'm left out in the cold?
what if i'm locked out of my own home?

Your chair by the window is empty. It mocks me as I walk by.

i had this dream last night

i got home from work and you were waiting at our apartment with chinese takeout that we ate as we watched our favorite show on the tiny tv in our living room.

we walked the dog after dinner and then we went back home to fall into eachother.

and i swear to god when i woke up on the left side of this empty bed i could still smell you.

and my heart broke again.

because we never got to have a single simple day before you had to go away.

one day we're going to see each other again
and we'll go out to eat to catch up

and you'll be trying to decide what to pick off the menu
     because you've always been indecisive when ordering

and I'll have already chosen what I wanted
     because I always pick out what to have before I get to the restaurant

and you'll chose and I'll order and you'll talk and I'll laugh and the food will come

and I won't be able to eat

Because throughout the whole night, all the thinking and the talking and the laughing

the whole time

all I have been thinking about is the way you used to look at me

You know how when you lose someone you avoid things that remind you of them
Like that coat you wore when you first held hands
Or the song that was playing in that one car ride with them
Or the food you ate the last time you were together

Well it's like anything and everything is one of those things for me
So I'm going through life trying to avoid life
Just because it reminds me of losing you
Sure, my heart's already broken, but it still keeps breaking everyday

But the worst part is not the tears or stomach pains that come from these things
It's that if I met you tomorrow and I knew all the hurt you would cause me
I would still love you while I had you
{bcg}

"I just realized everything I've ever written has been a love letter to you."

-bcg (a letter i'll never send and you'll never see)

I wanted forever and I got a few more hours.
-bcg (some things aren't meant to be)

Just fifteen
    Just trying to do the right thing.

I told you the truth
   And you stole my youth.

                                  -i was a *child

Everytime she laughs
She hopes he sees

This time it will end differently.

No more boys falling for her tears
He'll fall for her happiness

They will be together for years.

My hands were shaking before I could even process why. But the tears didn't start falling until I drove through the intersection where you said you never wanted that light to turn green because you couldn't stand taking your eyes off me.

And then the tears wouldn't stop and I was out of control and I had to turn the music down low because the melody was reminding me of the way you used to sway and so I'm pulling over on the highway taking deep breaths and remembering the way you would calm me down when I was a mess.

And you would cover my jumpy foot under the table with yours and catch my eye in a room full of people and even though I was about to burst into flames one look from your concerned face would make my heart rate steady and I’m back in control and you give me a little smile like you know where I go in those moments of total alone.

But I’m alone in this car trapped in the memories with no look to steady me and no foot under the table to remind me there would be better days.

-
There was snow on the trees and the ice was frozen over, but it was still the same drive we took the day you looked over at me and said, ”Would you curse me out more or less if I kissed you right before I left?” and I said, “Depends on the kiss.” And you leaned in and everything was okay for the first time in a long time, everything was okay.