That time in winter wasn’t a lie.
Perhaps just a feeling I got.
I thought it was the short days dragging me down
But as the season changed, we stayed the same.
And as the air got colder, you asked me why I was too.

As I lay in a forest that used to appear in my nightmares,
I stare up into the stars wondering if there is life after death...
Because understanding life is equally as complicated as understanding your mind.
I’m just afraid that maybe it will show me that my doubts are much deeper than I thought.
And if I slipped and fell into that hole,
would I have to spend another eternity waking up alone?
Maybe that’s why this forest no longer scares me;
because at least when I am here I can tell myself I have
something to go back to.
With each step taking me further from home,
I place my faith in the wind hoping it will
carry me into the warm embrace of your arms.
But I know that's not how gravity works...
Thus I continue to chase the shadow cast from behind,
because chasing dreams is too overrated.
So please don't ask me if I am doing more with my life other than sitting at home writing poems of my watered down angst.
As I spend my nights walking this forest,
I can't help but wonder how you have been?
if anything you told me was true?

And in the blistering cold of the night
I opened my soul to you.
and you said ‘okay’

Despite intention, I allow thoughts to hold more power than actions. Maybe this is why I’m find myself scribbling words of watered-down heartache...

You know, I read our conversations so much it feels like you were still here. A sequence of muted meanings that holds my weighted body from falling into something much larger than me. But that something is a square ocean that lay between us reminding me that the waves I send can’t quite reach your shore. I’m just surrounded by a digital sea that makes me wonder how reflections in water could be so fake. But maybe if I had just poured my soul into the current and let it reach you, this artificial light wouldn’t make me feel so ******* alone.

It’s been years.
I thought time would wash
over the muddled traces
But it has only left a resentment to the words.
The sense of longing
never quite leaves my chest.
So I pickup the painful memories scattered
here and there.

even though the features I knew so well are fading,
I can’t help but search for your figure.
Your eyes.
At the bus stop, on the street, in the corners of bookstores,
even though I know I won’t see you.

It’s fine though, because when the moon shines through my bedroom window,
you haunt every part of me.
And the words I resented are so clear.

If only I had spoken these three words.. would things have been the same?

Sometimes I wake up and start crying.
Though, for a split second, I forget why.
I do not recall the day or time, or reasons… I am merely alive.
I find myself cherishing this moment because briefly I am at peace. But it does not last long, it can’t.
My feeling of absence nervously awaits until the painful sensation drags me down, embraces me with all its force, then retreats.
I am left alone, stuck.
But I am alive… I  am alive, aren’t I?
No this is all in my head, right?
It’s almost as if my mind keeps searching for something. For someone.
regardless of how much I avoid the truth, it always comes down to y o u.
I spend my days waiting, but the vivid sensation of loss continues to linger.

I observe the current of clamour from the far corner, over there
wishing I would blend with the limp air
And soak into the absence far away.

So, don’t ask me why
It’s in my nature to be shy
Just leave these flawed bones to decay...

even so, I didn’t ask for your kindness
It’s just an act muffled with blindness
I know it could never be true.

I have learnt not to trust those who are nice to me
Eventually they will push me away, out to sea
waiting for the waves to break through.

Yet my body tingles with this burdensome  feeling
This sensation blooming inside is unappealing...
all I can do is blame it on you.

Blame it on the way you walk
Or the way you stumble when you talk
Or the way your hair sits on your forehead.

Blame it on the way you smile with your eyes
Or the way you stare up into the skies
Or the way your ears can turn bright red.

But by all else above,
Blame it on the way you made me fall in love.

There is no certainty in cancer.
No simple cure. Easy way out.
Just time.
gnawing away the brain.
Leaving only regrets and memories.

No matter how young, happy, rich or healthy one may seem...
There is no certainty in cancer.

It is a faint word drifting in the air.
Infiltrating households. hospitals. Families.
But never us...
We are too strong.
Too busy.
We have too much life to live...

'its leukaemia’

The words soaks into me
Suffocating me in my own skin,
What has my life become?
A sunken abyss of darkness.
An empty vessel of meaningless time.

Now Its just me.
The room.
And my soundless mind.

Please, don't look at me.
Don't smile, or talk to me.
Please, don't treat me like you have a care in the world
Or in the least, want to know my world.
I gave you a choice to make
Knowing it would end like this.
I put myself on the edge
knowing I would fall.
The burden. Torture.
Its time to stop.
you know.
It really hurt.
But I am glad you didn't save me.
because when you left
I remembered how to breathe again.

I fall in love too easily
Feel pain too quickly
I let my heart flutter too simply
Feel torn too hastily

Is this what LOVE is?
So one-sided. unrequited. desperate.

In these foolish feelings
I am like a lost child in a hide and seek game waiting to be found.
Hoping one day you will see me as more than just another vaguely
familiar face.

But I know i was never on your mind...
Please don't feel guilty.
Just know...
if you ever think of me even for a second.
I’ll be here waiting.

Before today, I had nearly passed it
Everything I was
Everything I felt
Had faded out.
I was me again.
The me that found comfort in an empty house
The me that did not despise faults
Nor repulse complexion
The me that could simply live as ONE
As if I could finally sense that beneath my hardened flesh
And weakened bones
I was in existence.
Reborn...
Aware of my ever-growing world.
Yet the end was foreseen
Neglected. Overlooked.
I just never expected it to be today
My fragile refuge is due to cave in
Its thin walls crumble and decay
until the only thing to breathe was your name.

The heroine of the story, I was perfect for you.
Together, inseparable just as it should be
Waves flowed over me with warmth and marvel,
storms of longing and delusion
~ oh it must be love...
But we both know its not
I see the way you look at her
I just chose to ignore it
Woe is me for being so shallow
I could nearly read 'love' on your lips
I never expected to be cast as an extra in my own film.
But I guess your story is not mine to shape...
One day i will be a heroine
I just thought i would be yours.