I haven't been happy in a while
but today I felt the sun hug my skin so closely
and that was enough to make today worth a little something

and what did i ever do
to deserve such beauty
that can influence my thoughts
so easily that it’s addictive?

and sometimes it’s a dream
other times it’s my reality
because if i want to wake up happy i can
it’s an easy walk through north philly
to get to you

and even when i’m missing you i still
can feel the way your chest moves in and out
because it’s rhythm
makes me feel more relaxed than anything else
ever could

you are so unaware
of your significance
and while you might believe
that i have many passions
i find you to be
the most intriguing
and i like to practice
the way i love
on your lips

And even on the days when we don't love,
I ran do it alone.

I am able to when you order food.
I am able to when you accidentally see old faces.
I am able to when you say you don't need me to anymore.

there are 22 stoplights
between you and i
and one day i stopped at all of them
it felt exhilarating knowing i had to innocently wait even longer
just to hear
your bed creek
at our every move

loving you is like how a car can crash into a tree on kettle run rd at 1:49 am on a thursday night in january.

a journey, progressing quickly. very quickly. 2 and a half months or 94 mph, (you decide).
a rush of energy, traveling instantaneously. so instantaneous that windows and hair are both down and every second spent gets its own little freedom.
an impact, all at once. maybe its emotions, pain, or a mix of both but i can feel all in less than a single, lonely second.
the aftermath, that would be worth grieving over. the nights of sitting on my bed thinking about where you are, who you’re with or if you’re able to breathe. i usually end my nightly thoughts by remembering how you were finally able to pick the drugs over me.
you needed me. I needed you to hurt me. you drove me. you made me hurt.

our car crashed.

day 1
i first noticed the way your lips cave in. it happened when you said hello to me. and again when you said goodbye
day 3
nonstop smiley faces in the texts you sent me
day 6
you held my hand, you kissed me
day 7
one week went by and you already invited me to your house. i showed up unaware that i was going to meet your parents. i found out later you planned for this to happen. i mean as soon as i walked into your house, your mom pulled into the driveway.
day 8
you showed me around your town. where your first kiss was. where you slept one night when your dad kicked you out.
day 12
i remember how you came to my house, waited outside and called me on the phone to ask what i was doing. i told you that i was reading. you said to bring the book with me. i asked where we were going and after a few seconds of silence, you turned on the radio to my favorite band and innocently said, “i don't know”
day 23
you saw me play my music live for the first time. afterwards, you said i was the most talented girl you’ve ever met
day 26
you took me to 5 museums in one day. i learned a lot. well, about you
day 31
i found out that dogs make you happy. also that you’re allergic to bees and you have a birthmark on the left side of your lower back
day 56
you told me that letting go isn't the same as giving up, but that its the opposite of holding on
day 62
i was stressed. you came over, held me, and played guitar for awhile. i layed there and listened with my eyes closed
day 103
you said, “im just in love with the way you say my name” i responded by well, saying your name
day 111
you said, “this is realest thing ive ever had in my life”
day 122
i loved you
day 123
i loved you
day 124
i loved you even more
day 179
we spent the night on the beach. it wasn’t a typical family beach, or a place where you could to go with friends. we found it ourselves, we loved it and we made it ours
day 200
when i was little, my mom would always tell me to love without limits and on this day, i realized that you were the only reason i was able to succeed one of her expectations
day 240
i realized the amount of times you called went from twice a day to once, but only even numbered days of the month. the odd numbered ones you didn’t call at all. it was okay thoug. when we did talk, it was worth every minute of waiting
day 261
when i hadn’t heard from you in precisely 49 hours, i decided to call your mother. she said you have been spending a lot of time at school, that i shouldn’t worry about you or anything
day 279
i went to the drug store, bought 5 bars of your favorite candy and then went straight to your house but you weren’t there so i left them in your mailbox
day 280
no call
day 281
no call
day 282
no call
day 283
you called me. well, for 2 minutes. -hi! how are you -good -how was your day today? -good
day 296
i still loved you
day 304
i hadn’t heard from you in a week and a half
day 305
i hadn’t heard from you in a week and a half plus a day
day 328
i was going through some old cardboard boxes that i keep underneath my bed, i found one that had pictures we took together. you looked happy and i was in love with how happy you were
day 330
i decided to go to our beach but when i got there it was covered in trash so i left
day 340
i never missed anything more than the sight of seeing you dancing around in an empty parking lot
day 341
i decided to get in my car and drive without a destination. it was the closest way to get to you
day 362
i still loved you
day 363
i still loved you
day 364
i really still did love you
day 365
i did the opposite of holding on. i let go

i never realized how much i liked being alone until i was, you know, like 6 years old.
maybe it’s the silence, or the fact that no one else can bother my thoughts but i am still just as attracted to being alone as i am to the way the snow will rest on the branches of trees... or that boy i see at that coffee shop every so often
but i mean usually people talk about loneliness like it’s a bad thing, but they have to realize that for me, the amount of people that i have in my life times 1000 plus a million (and lets through parenthesis somewhere in there) is not even the amount of miles it takes to get to just the moon. or the amount of minutes i would love to spend by myself aimlessly doing nothing other than trying to survive in my own thoughts.
i want you to know that i’m actually perfectly okay. i realize my parents worry about the increasing amount of time i spend not speaking to them and they worry about when i wont even say hello to my dog when i come home at 2:48 am 3 nights in a row but really i promise im okay
if promises were like hearts do you think they would cause the same amount of heartaches? i mean i never really cared about getting my heartbroken because then again, it allows me to be by myself more
i used to believe in a theory that if everyone got their hearts broken at the same point in time, nobody would be able to feel anything
now i only can believe in the feeling that i get when im driving in my car- you guessed it, alone, on a one way road with no stop signs because it is the only time when i can feel something without anyone else noticing
sometimes, spending time with people i love makes the urges to be alone harder to deal with. i know im supposed to want to go out and do things with others, but when the opportunities come, my mind is the gas pedal and my body is the break. or the other way around... i dont know for sure because ive never really had the time to figure it out yet but all i know is that the relief of how my blankets hold me at the end of the night makes it worth the torture

when i met you, i felt as if you were the only soul that would ever matter to me anymore
kinda like how juliet was completely in awe with romeo or how cleopatra would do anything to see antony.
the times when you ask me to go to a midnight movie or to go see some metal band that i have never heard of
remind me of that feeling got when you were a kid, you know, when your mom finally caved in after you asked her a countless amount of times for a candy bar while grocery shopping
when i was learning about everything you love, it was our first drive. it was the best drive cause we didn’t have a destination
when i was learning to trust you, i never thought id feel anything other than the security that the drive to my house every night gave me
when i loved you, you taught me that letting go isn't the same as giving up, and that its the opposite of holding on
my mom would always tell me to love without limits and you were the only reason i was able to succeed one of her expectations
when i was losing you, i was jealous of the streetlights that got to hold you. all of you. you showed me that I would never care about anyone this much
when i lost you, i lost everything. when you left, everything left.

she wasn't aware of how many people saw her as a miracle
she could brighten life on the darkest day in winter
she could make you feel like you had a home in her heart

she made herself suffer just to feel better
she cared for other other people too often
she loved making sure everyone was okay

she wants love
she wants to be loved

she is so scared that she will not find someone that will love her the same amount that she loves them

she is the planets and all the stars
she deserves the whole sky

i want to be everything you hate
that way i'm still in your mind

and i'd **** to be the last one
you regretted
having in your life

i want to be your final hello and
goodbye
and your only
heartbreak

maybe i'm selfish but i promise
there's no other voice that makes me feel
secure

i'm in love
with how you can
make me feel so
hopeless

and who are you to think that i am not worthy of love?
i am not the one who spends my past time hunting down my next prey of the night
i am not the the one who tells my victims i love them before putting knifes to their hearts
i am not the one to tell people to stay so i can leave the house alone

my life is a mess but its an ok mess
and what i was a year ago
will not definite me
i'll start writing happier sad songs

i want to get to know myself before i talk to you again
i wanna live like you and your family
and darling don’t wait anymore time for me
i can't live without hearing you breathe

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

I could be walking down the street one day, blasting Rihanna or Fleetwood Mac, jamming so hard that I don’t see the bus coming. I could be walking with a book in my hand, reading until the very end. I could be paying total and complete attention, imagine the impact before it arrives.

And I’d really, really rather not die with some confusing statement I said sitting in the phone or the thoughts or the memory of someone I know, care about, need.

I know how it is—we all want to be mysterious. None of us want to get hurt. None of us want to look desperate. So we wait to respond to texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets. So we communicate our emotions in how we end our messages (no period this time? Really gonna get them.). So we say vague, half-statements and expect people to read our minds.

But what if we died?

What if the last thing you ever texted that girl was, “I don’t know, whenever,” when she asked when she should come over, even though you really really wanted to see her right now? What if you were head-over-heels in lust with some beautiful human in your Lit. class but you chose to wait 15 seconds before texting them back, only to never get the chance to text them at all?

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

(So go text them back.)

-Rachel C. Lewis

its important to feel
like you belong
in a room
with people you love

I know if one day I wake up forgetting who I am or who I was supposed to be, I still will remember your name.

I'll remember how secure it sounds leaving my mouth when I'm out of breath, or even when I'm in denial.

I know that if I go to sleep for another 3 years, you might eventually crave my skin for a final touch.

But you'll always wish me a Goodbye.

i can't wait to wash the blood out of your clothes,
to show you that you're less alone.
and to prove how delicate you are,
close your eyes and get in your car.

the brakes don't exist any more,
just you, the wheel and your grip teaching you to soar.
you know how to live one more time,
without coming home or trying to commit a crime.

and once more you'll find your God,
you'll claim that he's a fraud.
the body of yours will start to go numb,
i'll slowly touch your beating skin, starting with my thumb.

you sleep deeply until it is sunset again,
i'd **** to touch ink from your pen.
drive slower and safer to stay breathing,
and so i can avoid more grieving.

open as a closed book,
as cold as your eyes,
i fed us, wishing you and i would both choke.

cursed with beauty,
wanted by the devil,
she abused her boundaries.

killed by dignity,
drowned with my iced tea,
i miss the fights we could have.

i think back to the times
you got out of your car

i got so jealous of the streetlights
they got to hold you, all of you

i opened my window today
first time in months

your quiet smell still lurks on my walls and
i still need to let go of every part of you

we used to fight about your family
then the day after

we'd **** and
again, fall in love with each other's eyes

Cry for good measures,
Breathe to feel stronger.
Know your worth,
Count your weaknesses.
Water down your plants,
Stick your head in the crowd.
Curse out your only support,
Beg to your only lover.
Live to attempt to die,
Don't say you ever wanted me.

You are the ground when its cold, you are what i've given but never told.
You are sleep on the floor, you are tears drowning for more.
You are strength when its gone, you are what I feel at dawn.
You are still when she moves, you are the one who she soothes.
You are the water as I bathe, you are not able to save.
You are beautiful when you die, you are the biggest, heaviest lie.
You are why I'm so torn up, you are never ending wine in my cup.

As I hold your finger close to my skin, I can hear you start to breathe. Your silent love, so cold and warm.
As I hope for your life, I brake. I fall. I choke. You kiss my back to cure me.
As I crawl back to you, I get lost. Tired. You stutter words and guide me out.
As I cry and think of you, I fit in between your shoulders. You tell me you never really wanted it.

You can't be by yourself, you can't be left alone. But know that you're fine. You're beautiful ******* body is fine. And in time you'll feel the infinity again. Hopefully with me.
I always tend to dream about you. We go to concerts. We learn how to breathe to feel something greater than we are. We study each other's bodies. You could call it fantasies but it's just a daily though process. I honestly don't know how to talk to you anymore. I see you suffer and I want to hold your hands. To guide you. You tell me it's not worth it. I just want you to overcome the pain. I'll just let go.

I've always wondered why you get so cold.
And how you can be so distant.
You make everyone here so angry and confused. Yet, you don't even try to fix yourself.
I though someday soon, you'd learn to love. And that you'd maybe even want me. Because you'd realize that I know how to love unconditionally and that you'd want that.
Everyday I have to deal with the burden of missing you. But you could care less about me and yourself.
When I see that handsome face, I can't help but to notice the burden in your eyes. It makes me treble. It makes my heart rupture. Because all those times when I needed safety and comfort, I had the desire to be with you. To love you. Maybe you'll want me around soon. I guess for now I'll just wait until you might learn to love me too.

im on a thin line between breaking us or breaking down. you are all ive ever dreamt of having. your words wrap around me when you cant do it yourself. and i never soul have thought that of all people, you could also make me feel so ******* hopeless and alone. maybe that's just what this feeling is. I've never wanted anyone else to be as happy or to be as safe more than you. and you just can't hear me. because you think that temporary feelings are more important. that im not as good as the **** you have to do on the weekends to help you feel less alone and weak. you never remember that on the nights you stayed home crying, i was the one to help you realize your existence. but yet here you are, still needing that feeling of closure and me always wondering how i could give you the same affect. and it ***** because i know you'll never pick me. and it ***** because I'll never win. and it ***** because I've cried more than laughed and im still here because you never left my head.

i don't know how to look at you without thinking about what you said earlier.
i think of us as an uneasy ride of too many tears and too many smiles.
you knew i wasn't good enough. why did you continue to tell me that my mind was the only thing that would keep your selfish body and conscience satisfied? but yet, in the end, i had to be the one to make things horrible and you blamed my ******* issues.
*******. ******* for being so attached. you're such a capricorn. i want to move on, but your smell still lingers in my sheets. how am i suppose to get the **** over you?
i wish i had better, healthier things to say. yet it's all hate. every thought i ever had for you. because as much as i desire to have you in my air, i can't. not because of you, not because it's your choice. it's because i need to wait.
and i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. i have so much emotions that just pour out and out. but they don't ever come to a conclusion. because in the end, as much as you call me yours, and make your feelings and love true to me, we're not healthy. and we're both better off dead before even thinking about being anywhere near or close to having a companionship together.

you're the first person i've ever wanted to be so successful in their life that you would have contentment for eternity.
with so much hate for the world, a ******* teenager like me didn't know how to handle you and especially how uniquely your mind works.
still to this day if you bump or touch me ever so slightly, i can't help but to notice how well our skin feels together, and i realize i only need you more than i did the second before that short minute of wonderful fate occurs.
what else? you are so ******* beautiful. i've never seen so much beauty in one person before i accidentally glanced at you on that one rainy morning.
days go by and still i don't have you. you don't need to be careful. you are so brilliant. you could light up the night sky with your stunning smile in addition with your eyes.. you don't even want to try to admit to your little perfections.
but it's okay baby. i promised you with those little songs i wrote and those words i said that i'll get better and i'll love my own self just as much as i love you.
you'll never beat him. i'll make sure of it. but you are so persistent and lonely, you'll learn how to drive and i'm anxious.
every part of you was in my possession and i had never been that happy before. but since i ******* up so badly, i can't blame you for not wanting a romance. and for blaming me for most of the bad **** that goes on nowadays.
i'll try so hard for you.
trust me on this one baby,
i got this.

you scared me more than anything else that gave me fear,
i didn't need anything else, you were my butterfly and i never wanted you to die or fly away.
i'm sorry that it or i couldn't of met your satisfaction, but i never wanted anything else to work out more than our past captivation.
i always thought about you as i was sitting in a passenger seat in your mother's car. and i invariably wondered how an artificial light could make me feel so hopeless.
every night you slept more and more and i couldn't help but to notice your beauty and i missed you existence. you will always will have a part of me and once you decide what to do, i'll tell you that i'm ready. your scars never made you have a sad story, it just made my desire to make you my universe augment.

I'll always think that your soul is beautiful no matter what. I'm prone to it. It's okay. I'll get over the fact that you weren't just my world but my universe in time. I'll always know how much happiness you've brought me. But then again those times when I saw your smile and when i realized how it made me feel better it will continue to make me so breathlessly taken by your beauty and presence. But when i know you're ready.. You'll let me go. And that's okay because i got to spend time with and honor the only person that knew how my mind worked better than myself.

i can't keep desiring to want to be yours.
looking back at all those moments when i needed you,
i didn't need anyone else. only you.

and now you're happy, and i'm confused.
you told me that it was going to be alright in the end,
yet i'm still ****** up and it's the end of us.

you liar.
how dare you keep the truth away from me?
*******. **** your happiness. **** your new victim.


do you know that i can't do this without you?
you're the reason why i continue to breathe in and out,
i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know what to do.

but i like seeing you enjoying life,
i'm sure it's as beautiful as you.
but until i can see your amount of endless beauty compared to life,
i'll just remind myself that you're my infinity.

i remember what it was like to have the desire to live and to have the goals to want to carry on.
but i also remember what happened there, and on your basement floor and on my closet walls.
my marks are left to prove my existence.
except one only thing that i could think to be learned from all this is how to do it better, and get a more gaining conclusion.
i'm a black butterfly. innocent but always blamed for the darkness. looking sad.
and after i thought about and remembered how much i miss you and after i recalled what we were and what we had,
i realize that i don't remember anything.

stumbling, but still breathing.
and wondering where you are, where i should go and how much you could possibly miss me.
it's when you're alone that you know what's exactly wrong. the pain and sorrow trapped inside your crazy head, like a lion trying to escape a cage.
and once i find that you're at a point of giving up for good, i let you let go.
and then in that moment it's better, happier.
you can remember how to breathe;
and you actually enjoy it.

as you wake, i close the windows,
it's my duty to save you from the monsters.
countless of times i've seemed to do wrong.
i'm far from perfection but i guess that i second guess.

when i want the best i mean it.
we're real, i can feel that feeling
that you get when you close your eyes
and your body lingers for your touch.

the desire is effortless,
i can't help but to look up and notice it.
flowers decay and ink bleeds through the paper,
i paint with gray and it shows up red.

i have the need to be saved in a limited time.
but i've always wanted to be yours.
just save me if i save you,
and maybe we might become content.

there was a time when i had actual attainments; healthy ones,
when i desired to be smart and successful.

but currently, those goals have expunged,
now my wants are no more to be loved or wanted.

ive always wanted to be happy but right now happiness is way out of reach,
i try and try and want and want but im never good enough.

when things **** me over, i keep emotions inside,
store them in a place called my ****** up head.

but theres a point where that head of mine,
cant handle those annoying emotions and feelings.

i let them go through physically; i breathe in, exhale,
and or that moment it feels better. but in time it gets worse.