Is anybody else
Getting dragged out for walks
Like a dog?
The whole family comes.

"Mum I have homework"
"You have to be active"
"We're in quarantine"
"I don't give a ****, get up!"

You used to go by another name
AMELIA
Now you're somebody new, and your name is
NIKOLAI

When i was with you
My heart was at W.   A.    R.  
Questions and screams and bloodshed
Now you have my friend
I just hope you treat him right
You made out with him in the park
But did you really feel?
He doesnt deserve
To feel what i felt
When you had my heartstrings in your hands

The smiles hide the screaming
The laughter hides the hurt
The "love" hides the cruel intentions
The gifts hide the truth.

My mask hides me

The insults don't lessen
The arguments don't cease
The swear words are abundant
The yelling never ends.

My panic overtakes me

The tears won't stop flowing
My fingers won't stop twitching
My arm won't stop itching
Help me hide from My Family

I'm reading through all my old poems
And uh
****
I can't believe I was that bad 0.o

Im fine

Thats what i say
Thats what they want to hear, right?
They want to hear that im ok
When they ask, they dont want to know the real answer
When they talk to me, they want a lighthearted conversation, a chat about the weather or something else trivial
They dont want to talk about my issues
Problems
Episodes
Pain
They say
None of that!
Dont be so serious!
Why do you feel so sad?
Why dont you get help?
Im busy.
I cant talk right now.
I cant deal with you.
Why do you do this to yourself?!
Stop it!

Im fine

Thats what i say to myself
Thats what i want to hear
I want to believe it
I want it to be true
But its not
The truth is that im broken
Inside and out

All my friends talk about
Is walking pigs down the street
And touching fake *****
Why are we like this

I am forced to watch
As the one i think
That i might love
Laughs with another

Who is this girl
Staring cold and lifeless
From within reflected glass?
She is not me.

Today i realised
That for the past month
I've been better and smiled more
Than i did all of last year.

I'm so much better now
Thanks to my friends
Who helped me through
My darkest times.

And even though i still sometimes go
To that dark, horrible place
They are still here
To take me home again.

You are what i have always wanted
You wear the face i wish to have
You live the life i work so hard for
You love someone who loves you

You are carefree and strong willed
You fit into clothes i'll never be able to
You make anything look achieveable
You laugh so easily

And

You dont even know it

We aren't scared of an-
a wild magpie appears
Oh ****!! ****, GO!! RUN!!

Both legs under the covers
Nope, it's too hot.

Neither leg under the covers
Nope, it's too cold

One leg out of the covers and hanging over the side of the bed
Perfect
But the demon
In the shadows hiding,
Will get you
And pull you under
And eat you

Is it too much to ask
For someone to hold me?
Running fingers through my hair
Kissing my forehead

Holding hands as we walk
Smiles that go up to our eyes
I don't want to be alone anymore.
Being alone *****.

I used to be whole
Now i'm far from it
The things that have happened
Are nobody elses fault.

It's all my fault
The way i am
Things that i have done
And failed to do

When i look in the mirror now
I see a forever heartbroken,
Incompetent, stupid,
Mentally ill teenage girl

When i look inside myself
All i see now
Are the broken pieces of my soul
That will most likely never be put back together again.

Theyll never know.
They dont see me for who i am.
They see the version of me that they want to see
Smiling and happy
Laughing and bubbly
Sometimes it makes me sick.
But despite it all
I go back to them everyday
With the same old mask plastered on my face
And pretend im happy.
I do it for them.
I do it for everyone.
They dont need to see the real me, because
They might leave if they did.

I feel the darkness
Creeping in again
I don't care
I embrace it

It is part of me
As i lie here
At three A.M
Without a care in the world

My thoughts are my own
Who are you to tell me
If they are
Right or wrong?!

Blasting music in my ears
All of my emotions disappear
Turn the volume up, can't hear a thing
I don't care that it makes my head ring

You looked cute today
Why do you do this to me
You don't look my way.

Nobody talks long enough to comfort me
Nobody stays long enough to help me
Nobody looks long enough to notice me
Nobody cares for long enough to love me

I texted him
Yeah?

Three times
Okay?

He hasnt responded in two hours
So?

Hes annoyed at me
Hes not annoyed at you

Hes mad at me
Hes not mad at you

He doesnt want to talk to me
Hes probably doing something important

I dont want to bother him
*Then don't. Hes busy, you ******* baby. Stop whining

What should i do when
My friends dont answer the phone
But i need them to?

Seriously guys,
You do know how a phone works,
Yeah? Please say you do.

You just press or swipe
The green button with a phone
As it comes on screen

It isn't that hard
Please answer the phone now. Please.
I'm alone, I need help.

I have all i ever wanted
In the form
Of the most perfect human being
To ever exist

I love him so much
I never want to let him go
And now all I can hope
Is that he won't want to either

This is not me
I do not think like this
My mind is changing
Worse than before.

Arranged in neat rows
Colours bursting from the ground
Such a sweet smell
All around us is the sound

Of tittering old ladies,
And boasting old men
Life is wonderful, the sun is bright
Here in the peony garden

I write to feel
I read to breathe
I look at you for inspiration
The stars in your eyes
The gleam in your smile
The love in your heart

I write to feel
I read to breathe
You are my inspiration

The darkness hides in plain sight
It has realised that i won't fight
Reaching fiercely as i might
My outstretched hand can't touch the light.

Your hair so soft
Your smile so sweet
Your teeth gleam white
You laugh with me

Is it possible
To smile and frown
At the same time?
For that is the emotion i feel.

Most people dont believe me
When i tell them something isnt quite right
When i tell them i got overwhelmed
That one dark night
Alone in my room
Nobody answering my calls
I did something im not proud of.
And since then,
Ive done it again
And again
And again
And again
I cant seem to stop
But thats not what people dont believe
They dont believe me when i say
There is no blade involved.
It is still just as harmful
Its just easier to conceal
Easier to hide.
In public, it helps me
In the dark, it helps me
In the noise, it helps me
In the light, it helps me
I can hide it
Tell people its simply a bad habit
That i can stop easily
When in reality
It couldnt be furthur from the truth.
People ask
But how can there be scars if there is no blade?
And i say
There are thousands upon thousands of ways in which to inflict harm
I simply picked one.
I picked one that gave me pain
I picked one that teaches me strength
It makes me cunning
Resourcefull
Quick-witted
It isnt healthy, what i do
But it wouldnt seem that bad to you
After all, its just a tiny scratch.
Only a little pink scar.
For me,
Its how i deal with everything.
Life
Family
Friends
Stress
Dark
Light
Loud
Quiet
Pain­
Love
Ache
Longing.
Its just a tiny scratch
Just a few pink scars.
After ive covered it to the best of my ability
When its fresh
Its
Red
Raw
Blood
Pain
People dont need to see

I hide everything from everyone
Because I'm Afraid.

I'm afraid of what people would say.
What would they say if they could see
The red lines gracing my skin.
What would they say if they could see The bruises on my stomach that cannot be explained away.
What would they say if they could see
The tears in my eyes when i said i was fine.

Im afraid of what people would do.
What would they do if they knew that
I screamed at myself because i
Walked too close to the kitchen.
What would they do if they knew that I hit myself in the head repeatedly because the thoughts are too loud.
What would they do if they knew that
When i smile, it's so i don't cry.

As a result of my fear
I've grown increasingly good at lying.
The facáde i've build is impressive
For there are barely any cracks.

All this, because i don't want
The people i hold dearest and closest
To leave me.
I don't want to be alone.

I Am Afraid.

Mother is not home
She is more than two hours late
Mum is never home.

His body is a temple
Sturdy and strong

His voice is beautiful
Deep and meaningful melody

His behaviour so heavenly
But his whispers and his touch sinful

**** yeah, it's snowing
Tiny specks of white float past
This is so much fun

Pillows muffle silent screams
Gone is the blood that fills my dreams
Im sick in the head, fevered whispers
A voice in my head i don't want to hear

Around me people laugh and smile
Ask me if i want to stay a while
I'm stuck so deep i'm barely moving
Once I was bubbly now i'm brooding

Biting lips and scratching arms
Nervous tick and lack of charm
I don't trust myself around a knife
I'm clinging to the side of life

Blasting music really loud
Blocking out all other sound
Panic attack in science class?
Thats easy! Drop and break the glass!

Press it deeper, deeper, on my skin
Its leaving marks, i'm sporting a grin
Whisper whisper, scream, shout!
Too much, too much, i need an out!

Whispered words
Hushed tones
Breath that quickens
Face that reddens

Trembles take over
Shaking, reaching
Sweat starts to form
Your touch frees me

I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to laugh
I want to doubt
I want to live
I want to cry
I want to smile
I want to lie
I want to love
I want to gasp
I want to shake
I want to grasp
I want to think
I want to speak
I want to see
I want to peek
What else?
I want to be held
I want to be loved
I want to be kissed
I want to melt
I want to turn on the radio
I want to dance to my favourite song
I want to turn it up real loud
I want someone else to simg along
I want to look
I want to hear
I want to learn
I want to be held dear
I want to be hugged
I want to break free
I want some comfort

I just want to be me

Can't see
Can't speak
Can't write
Can't think

It's dark
It's cold
It's stressful
I'm alone

I know i need sleep
But im really not that tired
And also, **** school

I want someone to look deeper
Than the surface
To see what i really feel
To look at my eyes
Instead of my smile.
Because about six times out of ten
That smile is fake.

When you look at me, the first thing you notice will be my smile.
Bright and gleaming, and a little lopsided.
But if you look past that
You will see the hurt in my eyes.
The hurt in my eyes
That means my family has been fighting again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i've been yelled at again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i've hurt myself again.
The hurt in my eyes
That means i know i'm not enough.
The hurt in my eyes
That appears almost every day.

But usually
My smile works too well.
I need someone
To look at my eyes.
Because it is my eyes
And not my face
That show my true emotions.

I do not understand
My thoughts are all twisted in my head
So the mere thought of untangling that mess
Fills me with dread.

Threads tangled together.
The red for love, the yellow for friendship, the blue for isolation
All of them tangled in a heap
Complete and utter desolation.

More strings form more confusion
The colours blur together and make things unclear
Is that red i see? Orange, yellow or maybe green?
I cannot work out my feelings using the imput i get from here.

I cannot tell if i love or like you,
If i simply care for you the way a friend would
But i certainly dont look at you
The same way a friend should.

You make me laugh like nobody has in a while
Make me rethink my actions and other things.
So you can see why im confused
To find you pulling on my heartstrings.

I know i need to wait a while
Before saying anything to you
This is because i know i need to find out
If my feelings for you are true.

And if they are true,
Then, pray tell, what are they about?
Which feelings are they?
This i D E F I N A T E L Y need to find out.

So ill spend a little time pulling on my threads
Finding out when and where each feeling begins.
Where they end and where they meet
My little colourful strings.

I lay here at night
Thinking about everything
Yet i feel nothing.

What a feeling it is
To see your friends talk without you
And believe that they don't want you
But to be told that they do

I have somebody
He is perfect to me
Completely amazing
But he doesn't see what I see

The world dims when you're around
Everything stops, every single sound

You scared me, jumping
At me from behind the couch
That was not funny

What am i to do
When the music in my ears
Is my one escape?

*******
It's not my fault that Nan is ****** with you
Don't project your anger onto me

Under the blankets
A cabin in the mountains
Curled up there with you

I got yelled at
This evening
And i couldn't say
A single thing.

Zoe Grace curled in a ball
Zoe Grace wasn't able to deal with it all
All of her family and all of her friends
Couldn't put Zoe together again