I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong,
and now I realize I can fix it.

A scattered mess
he tries so desperately to hide.
No one knows his secrets,
and everything he fears.
Too scared to get close.
Too weary to open up.
What if it all crumbles
and he looses once more?
His mind is spinning,
and even though he wants to leave,
she convinces him to stay,
and around her his walls start to fall.
Sure he's lost before,
and he'll loose again.
Time and time again.
Love, friendship, innocence,
a stranger he understood all too well,
and someone he'll never meet,
but knows with all his heart.
It's an odd game life throws at him,
but he'll play it anyway.
Twists, turns, and everything in between.

And I can barely breathe.
Words twisted in broken angles,
emotions caught in webs I can’t undo.
I try to free myself,
but I fail miserably.
And as a year passes,
I’m still all wrong,
and never right.
So please forget that I was even here.

So tired of all the memories 
It brings me back to you
And I can't help but wonder
How I'll go on another year 
Fighting all these demons 
That remind me you're not here 

It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 
 
I go back to that day 
And picture the last time 
It breaks me down
And I fall to my knees
Asking why?
Why? 
 
It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 
 
One year passes, now almost two
And I'm scared to face it
But somehow you know 
And the day though dark 
Was suddenly turned brighter

A beautiful little face
Born on this day 
 
It's a bittersweet December 
And it haunts me all the time
I can't change what happened
But I can make it all brand new 

It's a bittersweet December 
And though it haunts me all the time
I can finally breath again
With the miracle you've blessed
 
In this bittersweet December

Haunted by myself,
placed on a shelf.
A book that was never read
and too afraid to be opened,
for the stories would be too much to tell,
and the best sellers shined much brighter than me.

I once was broken,
all my windows cracked,
and walls caving in.
The doors locked and key nowhere to be found.
Someone held the wreaking ball and I came crumbling down,
rubble on the ground.

So I ran.
I left the behind the shattered pieces of photos once hung so neatly,
and pulled myself from beneath the shards of glass and splinters.
This wasn't my place anymore.
No nails could fix the damage done.

And when I stopped running,
I came to the city where my foundation had been dug all those years ago.
I was still a run down shell,
but I knew this was where I had to be.

So I slowly rebuilt my walls,
and put up new windows.
I even painted new memories
and grew from what was planted.
I wasn't just a for rent sign looking for someone to see what was behind my door.
Because the door had finally been opened.

No, I may not be a mansion,
but I am finally home,
whole again.

The smell of a candle
reminds me that I’m still here,
and I’m perfectly okay with that.

Walls close in,
and someone else takes control of the moment,
leaving you standing there,
thinking the worst is about to happen,
and making you feel as if you’re caught in a net.
No one bothers to ask if you’re okay.
They only stare or turn away.
A spectacle to watch and turn off when the interest fades away.
Sadly the fear in your bones doesn’t disappear as fast,
and everyone’s wondering why you can’t turn it off.
Because it’s not like changing clothes or pushing a button.
It comes without warning,
and believe me if I knew when it would arrive,
I’d already be long gone.

At my best You praise my victories,
and bath me in light.
At my worst,
You hold me close,
and praise the goodness still inside of me,
reminding me I’m not a failure.
You refuse to leave me in the dark.

At my best you celebrate every moment.
No matter how big or small.
At my worst You hold my hand.
And with every step I take,
You refuse to let go.

At my best Your love rains down on me,
surrounding me in pure joy and everything I had hoped for.
At my worst Your love still rains down on me,
penetrating every tear I cry,
and every stabbing pain I feel.

You’re there when all is good,
and You’re there when nothing is okay.
It doesn’t matter when or where,
You remain steadfast in Your Love,
and in turn it leaves me awestruck.
Completely awestruck in Your Love

Please don’t let me forget you on December 25th.
When the presents are all open,
and the magic starts to fade.
When the coffee turns cold,
and the Christmas music unplugs for another year.
Don’t let me be reminded you’re not here.
Because I still miss you,
even when it’s not December 25th

When nothing seems right
and everything is wrong.
When you feel like mistakes overshadows your achievements
and no one cares.
When hope is lost in the darkness
and every color fades to gray,
your last resort is to end it all.
The thoughts inside your head not helping.

But don't let those thoughts consume you.
Don't believe you aren't good enough.
The lies will try to break you
and steal the light inside of your heart.
You are so much more than you think.
You are beautiful and worth every breath.
Life is beating within you
and until God says it's time,
please don't end your story too soon.

I showed up at your doorstep
all kinds of confused,
clouded by the way we let things fall.
It was my fault,
my mess that I threw at your face.
Like bullets,
I said everything that tore us apart.
I trashed not only you and I,
I trashed myself.
Tore apart everything about me.
Shattered and dropped what we had to the floor like glass.
And now these **** thoughts won’t let me get over them.
So here I’m am,
standing in the rain six feet apart,
hoping you’ll open the door.
Because as much as the confusion is begging me walk away,
the apologies in my heart won’t let me go.

I’m sorry...

If it’s the last thing I ever say,
or the last thing you hear of me,

I’m sorry.

This world I was born to hasn’t been so nice.
In the years that have passed,
my eyes have seen so much.
In one lifetime, it’s more than anyone can take.
Buildings collapsing,
and planes falling.
Bombs exploding,
and guns going off.
Too many lives lost too soon.
Storms raging with a force that rips apart the places people call home,
and disagreements turning into full on wars.
Music that once comforted,
ending with notes that some heard for the last time.
It’s enough to bring me to my knees,
begging God to stop it.
I don’t want another person lost before their time,
or the pain in my heart to grow any bigger.
The scars already surround every part of its’ surface.
And I’m not sure how many tears I have left,
before I call it quits.

This year has not been my year.
Ups and mostly downs,
Never feeling quite like myself.
January was my lowest,
a loss of a family member shook me to the core.
Changes came after and nothing went right.
My heart still aches and my head spins.
I’m not sure what to do.
But faith is the only thing that holds me together.
Not faith in myself, but faith in God.
Hoping this storm passes and I will be okay.
Maybe I’m meant for something different,
somewhere away from this all.

If I was being honest,
I wouldn’t be here if faith wasn’t real.
All the pain I’ve been through would eat me alive
and tear apart the very part inside of me that make me who I am.
If faith wasn’t real,
tomorrow would never exist
and yesterday would have no meaning.
Counting my days would be useless
and the clock on the wall would be stuck at wherever time it stopped at.
If faith wasn’t real,
I wouldn’t believe in arcs and partings of waters.
The cross would be just another story no one would tell.
But truth is,
faith IS real,
and more importantly His love is real,
and never ending.

Fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.
All the days I held you close
when the winds came blowing by.
Nightmares tried to rip you apart,
but I glued back the pieces of your heart,
forever hoping it would never crack again.

Then in fiery rage I was gone,
torn away from all I held dear
and the plans you and I had made.

I never prayed so **** hard.

Now the years have passed,
of course I came back,
and we tried so hard to start over again,
but it was never quite the same.
The love was strong and always there,
but everything and everyone got in the way,
and no matter how many times,
it never really worked.

And so here I go,
trying to find myself, somewhere else away from here.
I don't know if I'll ever come back,
I always did before,
and maybe someday we'll get to where we once were,

because...

fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.

I feel as I feel.
It’s my own,
and not anyone else does it belong to.
No one can tell me how or why,
when or where.
No one can turn me into something I’m not.
I feel not just with heart,
but deep within my soul.
Emotions may get the best of me sometimes,
but they are mine,
and with them I’m reminded of every beat and every breath of what is real.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

A glass is a glass
until the glass leaves you f’d up.
Fighting the midnight train in some bubbly
that drowns you into abyss.
You can’t hold on,
because holding feels far worse than letting go.
So you let go with the glass still in your hand.
The hole still in your heart.

Scars only tell half the story.
Tears tell the rest.

If I don’t write for weeks
does that mean I’ve lost inspiration
or have I just become too immersed in emotion
that no words can describe how I feel?

I’ve never been in love,
but I know of a love so deep.
And because of that I don’t need my heart strings pulled by another on this Earth.
God has my love and unlike anyone else,
it won’t be broken.

You don’t care,
and shade is the only thing you give.
I’ve been through hell.
Fought demons that loved it when I fell and failed.
If I was being truthful I never really liked myself half of the time,
and maybe that’s because you threw me away
like I was something you got of bored of.
I’m sorry I don’t fit the mold.
But despite how you made feel,
I’m not going to let it destroy the very essence of me.
I gotten this far,
and I’m still breathing.
Thank God I never stopped.

Dear Hope,

When I have nothing left,
you are there.
When everything is right,
you are cheering me on.
When it’s all wrong,
you are moving me forward.
You wake me up each morning,
and you get me through the day.
You put that smile on my face,
even when the strength inside of me is dwindling.
You keep me steady,
and you never doubt tomorrow.
When fear tries to overcome my soul,
you shine the light that chases away the darkness.
You never let me fall,
and you wipe away all the tears.
When everything seems uncertain,
you are sure it will be okay.
For you aren’t just Hope.
You are God,
Truth and Savior,
my everlasting anchor.
Thank you.

Love,
Forever Hopeful

We collide like two waves in a hurricane.
Emotions flying through the sky,
but somehow connected like stars in a constellation.
I was right,
you were wrong.
You were right,
and I was wrong.
Together we fit,
though not quite with such smooth edges.
We are not the same,
so different,
and yet we became a pair.
Never wanting to be without one another.
Cause when we're apart the magnets kicked in,
and pulling us away is never so easy.

Faster than ever the world spins,
and I’m barely hanging on.  
The downfall of this very existence has shaken me to the core,
and all the things I wish I could say,
I can’t say.
Even if it doesn’t make sense,
this twisted thinking in my head.
I’d rather be alone buried in the lies
than have you by my side,
tears and all.
Because if goodbye comes too soon,
I don’t want you to remember me gasping for the very last breathe.
And if my hold on this world lets go,
just recall the beating of my heart when you and I were so in love.

If I had followed Peter,
I would have never grown up,
and my child like imagination would have stayed intact.
If I had read all the books like Belle,
I could have seen the beauty and wonder long before I missed out.
I wouldn’t have been so quick to judge.
If I could have had the courage to do what I long to do,
maybe Merida could have helped me through.
And if I had been a little more me,
and a lot less of what the world wanted,
then maybe I could embrace the uniqueness inside of me that Lilo never had a problem with.
Maybe I would have chased my dreams.
But who knows.
The future is still there,
and as long as tomorrow comes,
there is hope.
And I’ll try to embrace that.

I can in so unaware,
and so naive.
You used that against me.
It was all new.
Day in and day out,
on my feet for hours,
trying my **** hardest,
and the anixity eating me away.
It didn’t matter,
it was never enough.
An accident I never meant to happen,
and I was written up.
Two weeks just shy of two months since my first day,
and written up three more times.
It was then I couldn’t take it anymore.
You weren’t going to tear me down any further.
And I wasn’t going to let you win.
So I walked out the door with my head held high.
No goodbye.

You go on and on about love,
and about taking the time to be there.
To show the ones you love you care.
But maybe that doesn’t apply here.
You show up at the worst,
and leave because you can.
No hey how’s it going?
Or I was just thinking about you.
You speak of being there for those that matter.
But the blood that runs deep,
never really mattered to you.
Because you come when it’s convenient.
You call when want takes over sincerity.
Tell everyone to do the little things for you,
and yet the line keeps ringing from miles away.
You hold on to memories and heritage
with no one around to share them with.
We’re right here.
Same place we have been.
We haven’t forgotten,
and our hearts ache when words are disconnected.
I’m doing my best to keep the hope alive.
But where hope flows as far as a river,
here it runs dry.
So instead of hoping for something that isn’t willing to do the same,
I’ll hope for something else that won’t leave me bitter and confused.

I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you.
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong.
Maybe I could fix it.
I’m not sure,
but I’ll try.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

Through my never ending doubts,
and all my wicked sins.
From every word that came out all wrong,
and the things I did that hurt you so bad.
We made it.
Even if my mind goes astray in some odd way,
you stay.
You're the reason my heart sores,
and the reason I break down and cry.
Before you I never would have broken down these walls.
And before you I never would have wanted to get better.
You came and showed me what love was,
with open arms and eyes that lit up me up from the inside.
Yeah, you showed me something I never felt before.
And I never want to loose that.

I trip over myself day after day,
caught in the web that was so skillfully crafted.
Not right, not perfect, a failure to say the least.
Shame and I now know each other all too well,
and sadness shares in our company.
We’re three peas in pod.
And in my head they play these silent games,
making me feel as ****** as can be.
It’s hard to get rid of them.
They’re stuck like glue,
tangled in the mess I made.
I wish I was more confident,
and a little more brave.
Because maybe then I wouldn’t feel this way,
and maybe then I would finally believe in myself,
and all the wrongs would finally disappear.

I said I didn't need you,
that you were okay where you were.
But truth was I wasn't the one that was okay.
I was left with the unknown,
afraid if tomorrow would ever come,
and how many mornings I would get to see.
I lied.
I did need you,
and on the cold hard floor with my bags in front of me,
I dialed your familiar number,
and begged you to come.
What I didn't know was you were already there.
You saw through my mask
and knew me better than I knew myself.
I was too in shock,
and all you cared about was being there,
holding my hand through it all,
and looking at me with those same caring eyes
I have gotten to love these few years.

Though I wasn't there when you were at your absolute worst.
Through I didn't hold your hand when you trying to get better,
thinking more about myself than you in that ugly bed,
with those sad eyes,
and the smile that would not return for months.  
I was there in the before and the after,
but I didn't keep my own promise to you when I said I wouldn't leave,
and because of that I regret each moment you crumbled more and more,
and the light that left your face.
I told myself I would do my hardest to not let it escape again when it came back.

And now here you are,
whispering the words I wish I had said to you in your breakdown,
telling me it will be okay,
and that you love me.
That no matter what happened,
you aren't going anywhere.
A kiss on the lips and I know you are right.
You are my rock,
my solid ground when everything inside of me is falling apart
You are that voice I can listen to when the machines get too loud.
And the song in my head I never want to stop.
In sickness you are here with me.
From every outburst or tear I cry,
to each strand of hair I loose,
and watching the color draining from my face.

I wasn't there when the battles with your own fight got too hard.
When your mind kept playing tricks,
and you didn't know how to make it stop.
And all the nightmares that kept returning,
haunting your every waking moment.

But today,
right now,
that doesn't matter.
We're together and if for some reason I don't make it through to see your eyes in the morning,
I'll spend this moment here and now getting lost in them and you getting lost in mine.

I’ve seen Death twice,
stood in his presence as he took those I loved away.
I watched as one took their last breath,
not knowing it’d be goodbye.
I saw another life gone,
door opened,
and an image frozen forever in my mind.
If I could take it all back,
Heaven knows I would.
So as I sit here with each breath,
I remember those two we lost,
and others gone before and after.
A part of me was changed by tragedy,
and with each day life becomes a little more precious.

Another to the heart
And I can't seem to stop
No matter how hard I try
It keeps coming back
Pulling me under
Tearing me down

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

I've wasted another day
Crying alone
Sitting here in shame
So tired of it all
So completely done with trying to fight
I'll just keep loosing this never-ending endless war

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

And if I could fix myself
Somehow I know I would
For all is said and done
Nothing could feel worse
Than what it is I feel so bad
But a pain for pain is all I ever get

With the sharp end
And shaky hands
My wrists no longer flesh
Just the color of red painted over scars

Just the color of red
In this dark I cannot escape
Just the color of red
Dripping from this cold bitter hell
Just the color of red
Love filled, blood thick
Oh God, help me before I run dry

When everything’s not alright,
and you feel yourself fading,
don’t put out the light.
Please don’t surrender to the darkness.
As hard as the days are,
and as overwhelming as the sadness is,
don’t fall.
Hold yourself up by whatever faith you have left.
Don’t let the demons whisper in your head.
Shut them out and show them you are stronger.
Remember that with each breath,
you are winning.
Even if each breath takes all you have,
keep moving.
Keep living.

Unanswered questions,
a life left with the inevitable.
Time keeps ticking,
each hour never feeling long enough.
If I gave in maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Maybe it would be easier than trying to hold on to a hope that doesn’t seem real anymore.
And the one I said I love you to wouldn’t have to cry for a tomorrow that will never come.
They could live their days without worry
while I quietly fall to pieces.
As sad as it is,
it’s for the best.
Because goodbye is a lot less harder now than it will ever be.

No...
Scratch that.
It doesn’t matter.
Goodbye hurts like hell whatever way you put it.
And it’ll still feel the same
yesterday...
today...
tomorrow...

I was lost in a world I didn't want to be in anymore.
You were there,
and then suddenly you weren't anymore.
Gone before I could say goodbye.
I was screaming,  
begging for it not to be real.
Because I became one,
and that didn't feel right.
Yes, it hurt every bone in my body,
and I wanted nothing more then to be there with you.
But I couldn't,
and I questioned why,
my heart beating out of my chest.
Then like a flash,
I suddenly woke up.
And I realized it had only been a nightmare.
Even so,
reality set in.  
You aren't really gone,
but you aren't here either.
For that reason,
I live another nightmare I can't escape.
No, this one I can't wake up from.

With a fire in my heart,
I write love stories that aren't fairytales.
Though beautiful,
fairytales aren't all that magical,
and life just doesn't work that way.

No love story is a happy ever after,
and no love story can ever be real.
Life is full of heartaches, tragedies, and broken promises.
Even if love sticks around,
it never runs that smoothly.

Love is not a highway,
but a cobbled road,
sometimes lonely,
or a tidal wave during a storm,
fighting to pull you under.

Though love is ugly,
it too is beautiful.
Love can endure the worst.
Illness, temptation, anger, and a sadness no one wants to bare.
It's stronger than anything,
and more solid than most.
It casts out fear,
and defeats hate.
It's what I write about.
The good and the bad.

We chased the stars
And fought the enemy in our dreams
For all it seemed
You, him, and I
We had the world in the palm of our hands
Everything possible
And all the moments our own creation

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

Some people didn't believe
But we proved them wrong
Together you, him and I
We were strong
We were young
Never afraid to take on
Whatever came our way

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

What we imagined
We thought could be real
Now the days are gone
And we are grown
Him and I still here
And wherever you are
I guess we'll try to figure out

Childhood days
We grew up Lost Boys
Somewhere in the mind
Were Tinkerbell was not far behind
Pixie dust in her hand
And Wendy always a friend
As Peter Pan showed us the way
In Never Never Land

Someday
We'll be Lost Boys once again
Fight the enemy
And chase our dreams
We'll fly once more
You, him, and I

In Never Never Land

_

Across the ocean blue
I look out into the horizon.
My back to the world.

No one would recognize me with my head turned.
At least I hope.
And to be honest I wouldn't mind.

A quiet moment all to myself,
with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

For I am just a Nobody
trying to do some good with the years of my life,
and not loose what's inside in the process.

When no one gives a ****,
and a show seems more important.
When your breath is hard to swallow,
and you’re left alone chasing it.
Rest just isn’t in the cards.
You’re defeated.
No one wants to help.
So I guess I’ll just sit here drowning
until there’s nothing left of me.

Not even the darkness can hide your light.
I can see it behind your persona.
Behind the walls you built up with the scars you bared for so long.
You try to act like it doesn't affect you,
like you can wash it away and be fine.
But I know that isn't the truth.
You aren't fine,
and I don't know the exact reason why.
Maybe it's the past,
maybe it's me.
In a way I'm able to break apart what plagues you,
and in my arms you soften,
tears soaking my clothes as you cling to my heart,
refusing to let go.
I didn't know this was how it would be that day I first saw you.
I never knew the rain would come down so hard.
But it did,
and now that I have seen it all,
I'm not sure I could leave.
Your scars are mine.

Worry and constant questions keep you awake in the night.
Lies refuse to let you rest,
and secrets force you to hide it all when daylight comes.

A smile at the person walking by,
and a sip of your coffee so you don’t have to talk.
Last night was rough,
but with the makeup you put on,
no one can tell.

How could they?
The mask covers everything.

And you could fool them all,
make them believe everything’s okay.
But not God.
He knows.
Every tear, every laughter, every dream, and frustration.  
And he’s not going to give up on you.

It courses through my entire being,
and I’m numb frm the sensation.
Why can’t I feel?
If I stop the demons come back,
and I return to fighting a battle I’ll never win.
But choosing to erase all sense of happiness, hope, and anger leaves me void of all that I once cared about.
Maybe I can find the balance in between,
because I don’t want to loose the part of me that loved so true.
But more importantly...
I want to loose what brought me here.

He turns,
but every way is wrong,
and all roads lead to lines crossed.
The signs ahead don’t help,
he’s more confused than ever,
and sadly defeat surrounds his every waken bone.
If only he could find what made him smile once upon a long time ago,
then maybe he’d be okay.

In an ordinary world I would already be where I want to be.
The questions running through my head would be answered,
and I wouldn’t need to worry anymore.
But this world isn’t ordinary.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be,
but I’m where I’m supposed to be.
And never think that where you are now is not the place for you.
It’s just a pit stop on the highway of life,
and sometimes this pit stop is a long one.
And for some,
it’s leads us to discovering that maybe right here is where we’re actually meant to be.
It’s just how we see it that changes.

When home is the one place you should run to,
and today, yesterday, you were told to run from it.
It’s not getting any clearer,
and you wonder if home will even be there when you return.  
If so,
you’re one of the lucky ones.
But structures and things don’t matter quite as much as each breath from your lungs.
You’re alive,
they’re alive,
and hopefully, slowly you can rebuild.
It’ll take time to heal what nature broke,
but God is there in every step and struggle.
He didn’t desert you then when he carried you from the flames,
and he won’t desert you now when the world around you turns to ashes.
One day those ashes will disappear,
and all those uncertain nights will fade into hope.
Brcause fire isn’t permanent.
God is.

I said I didn't need you,
that you were okay where you were.
But truth was I wasn't the one that was okay.
I was left with the unknown,
afraid if tomorrow would ever come,
and how many mornings I would get to see.
I lied.
I did need you,
and on the cold hard floor with my bags in front of me,
I dialed your familiar number,
and begged you to come.
What I didn't know was you were already there.
You saw through my mask
and knew me better than I knew myself.
I was too in shock,
and all you cared about was being there,
holding my hand through it all,
and looking at me with those same caring eyes
I have gotten to love these few years.

Though I wasn't there when you were at your absolute worst.
Through I didn't hold your hand when you trying to get better,
thinking more about myself than you in that ugly bed,
with those sad eyes,
and the smile that would not return for months.  
I was there in the before and the after,
but I didn't keep my own promise to you when I said I wouldn't leave,
and because of that I regret each moment you crumbled more and more,
and the light that left your face.
I told myself I would do my hardest to not let it escape again when it came back.

And now here you are,
whispering the words I wish I had said to you in your breakdown,
telling me it will be okay,
and that you love me.
That no matter what happened,
you aren't going anywhere.
A kiss on the lips and I know you are right.
You are my rock,
my solid ground when everything inside of me is falling apart
You are that voice I can listen to when the machines get too loud.
And the song in my head I never want to stop.
In sickness you are here with me.
From every outburst or tear I cry,
to each strand of hair I loose,
and watching the color draining from my face.

I wasn't there when the battles with your own fight got too hard.
When your mind kept playing tricks,
and you didn't know how to make it stop.
And all the nightmares that kept returning,
haunting your every waking moment.

But today,
right now,
that doesn't matter.
We're together and if for some reason I don't make it through to see your eyes in the morning,
I'll spend this moment here and now getting lost in them and you getting lost in mine.