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Sadie Grace Apr 2020
1am thoughts drive me outside to the stars
the wet grass and night breeze remind me
it's not a bad world
it's not a bad life
it's just a bad night to stargaze
clouds litter the sky,
but somehow stars still peek through
clouds roll on
and somehow they unsteady me too
I could lay here for hours
in the uneasy silence of the night
Sadie Grace May 2020
I sleep when the sun does
to hide from the dark in a fortress of sleep
But running doesn't make it go away
only more traumatic when you have to face it
I sleep when the sun does
missing the beauty of the stars
They speak a language I can’t understand
A language I might never learn
If I'm scared of the dark
Sadie Grace Nov 2021
It’s funny how forgiveness works
Making you think it’s giving them permission to hurt you over and over again
When really
It’s giving yourself permission
To move on
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
“I feel numb”
oxymoron
You don’t feel numb
You are numb
Who broke you so many times you feel nothing?
Sadie Grace Aug 2020
a million reminders
that I can't run away from this time
not this time
stuck in the rewind
I replay the day it all changed
Can't I just forget?
Until then --- in the ashes I remain
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
The sun says just as much in its presence as in its absence
A beautiful escape from the sky
How could endings be so graceful?
As the fire goes out, the passion dies
I lay here believing that there’s more out here
In the dark, there is still light
In the night, stars come out
They are much brighter, much more genuine than our inventions  
Artificial could never replace the real thing
Although the sunset is beautiful and the night of stars are beautiful,
There is always some awful grey in between
based on time spent watching the sunset
Sadie Grace Jun 2020
someone take my breath away

with love
not hate
Sadie Grace Dec 2023
Sometimes we’re softened by the love they try to give
Even if we can’t fully accept it and live
Even if we can’t learn our lesson and forgive
Even if we stay trapped by the pain and continue to relive
Like a movie
Who would choose me? If there were other options
Don’t love me out of duty
Find the beauty in my mess and hang on to that
Love the good parts and help me change the rest
Help me to express these thoughts
I’m always so depressed
I feel so possessed
& I just need some rest
Sadie Grace Dec 2023
You were so tough because you had to be
It was so rough but it didn’t have to be
But guilt won’t get me anywhere
You built me into who I am and who I wanted to be
Thank you for the strength that carried me through
Thank you for the ways you buried the pain to grow something new
You knew there’d be a better day
Knew there was a better way
To live without being alone
There’s so much you could’ve shown me but I’m grateful
That you knew my limitations
Knew what I could take and what would overtake me
You knew that some of the truth later revealed might break me
So I thank me
You’re a part but you’ll always be part of me
I’ll always be thankful that you carried me through
When all I knew was miles and miles and a worn pair of running shoes
You knew I was worth more
That there was something good in store but in the moment all I felt was sore
Sadie Grace Jan 2021
hands numb from cold air
heart numb from untold despair

the strongest feeling of them all
i recall
was feeling nothing at all
Sadie Grace Jan 23
seems so selfless
how could it be just to keep me from exploding from guilt?
turns out forgiveness is for the offender
there is no comfort for the victim
except a way forward
Sadie Grace Feb 5
trust:

to open yourself up to be wounded
to spread yourself out
like a target, my heart the bullseye
       easy to spot
       easy to target
       easy to exert your control over

why do I keep falling for it?
                     lies
                     disguised
                     as something real

trust:
something I will not be foolish enough to give away again
Sadie Grace Jul 2023
I'm bruised but I'm alright
cut and bleeding but still in the fight
I'm needing a reason ~ maybe a few
to get through this season
on to something new

We're halfway through the year that wasn't supposed to come
Halfway through the fear
I won't succumb to it
The tears I've become numb to drip down my hard face
A scarred ankle ~ the place I ran back to when I thought He ran out of grace for me
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
If the night is long
Look up at the stars
If the night is lonely
Look around in the dark
& start to realize you don't belong here
You're not alone here
The dark is not your home
So don't settle down here
You will be found here
You're not alone here
If pain is here
Your Savior's near
Knowing the whole story, he walked into the dark
yet made it out
Knowing your heart was full of doubt, shame, and self-inflicted pain,
He still went through with the plan to forgive
So I can live beyond the grave
There is life beyond the grave holding my plans, future, & sense of control
This night is long
But I'm not out here on my own
I'm not out here alone
Though darkness seems like home
I'M NOT OUT HERE ALONE
Sadie Grace Oct 2021
Sometimes my chest starts to hurt like a car is crushing me, choking the life out of my fragile body, and running me over and over and over again and again and again

And sometimes my hands start to shake like I’m old and can’t control my body and I can’t control it and I can’t stop and it just keeps going and going and going and going over and over and over again and again and again

And my head starts to spin and I think to myself “I’m dying” and I look around and see people talking but I can’t hear a thing and I can’t catch my breath and I can’t breathe and I gasp and I can’t breathe and I can’t catch my breath and I gasp and I think to myself “I’m dying”

And as I stand there with my chest hurting and my hands shaking and my head spinning and as I think I’m dying I start to hear over the commotion in my brain and I make out from all the noise someone saying “everything is going to be ok”

And all of a sudden I take a deep breath and as I breathe in a little bit of peace, I breathe out all of the tension and fog and mess and the repetition and the cycle of hell that my body just experienced

And I realize

Everything might be ok

And after a few moments

I can breathe again

And after a few moments, I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up

And after a few moments

I’m ok
a poem about a panic attack
Sadie Grace Oct 2021
sometimes i decide to be brave
but in doing so, i put on a set of armor that covers this delicate body
no one can hurt me this way
no sword can pierce my skin
no word can break my bones  
nothing at all will harm me

but . . .
what if . . .

one day i decided to be brave
and take off this metal illusion of safety
because there are times when bravery means being able to feel
even the pain
some days, it isn't holding yourself together, but shedding tears that takes the most courage
as i unfasten my breastplate and drop my shield
i think to myself
this is living:
not shielding yourself from feeling
this is healing
only by allowing yourself to break
Sadie Grace Feb 22
One day in 2021
I put on a dress for the last time
A part of me died
The part I've been trying to **** for years
I said goodbye to the "me" I was supposed to be but never was

One day is 2023
I said goodnight for what I thought would be the last time
A part of me died
The part that's been trying to **** me for years
I said goodbye to wishing I was someone I never was

Eventually, I said goodbye to the people who hated me for being me
Now I say hello to being free
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
I’m most comfortable at night
as the sun sets in a beautiful watercolor
darkness F
                  A
                    L
                      L
                        S     on me
Is it supposed to be soothing? It is to me
Rain comes and everything’s just as it should be
Too long in the dark makes one comfortable there
Don’t let your eyes adjust to the dark
Don’t get cozy in the pit
The sun’s coming up tomorrow
It's too early to quit
Sadie Grace Jan 4
I feel so alone
Like I got no home
I just want to roam
Check out the unknown
But I'm just a girl living in a semi-dangerous world
Try to keep my pack
Knives stuck in my back
Can't trust anyone
Can't love anyone
Nowhere I belong
Wish I could be strong
All I ever am is wrong
Sadie Grace Feb 13
She melted
But melted ice is still H2O
Same girl, different form
Transformed into who she’s always been
Pressure is off when you don’t have to always win
Silly grin, welcome back
Things were looking grim for a while
but she was never lost
Just frozen for a while
Thawed out, there’s the smile
Watch out, joy is leaking in
Sneaking back into that girl
She’s still the same one
who almost gave up when her life had barely begun
But she didn’t change
even if everything else did
And it seems so strange that
She’s stronger now
Now that she melted
Sadie Grace Oct 2023
what kind of person fantasizes about being sicker than they already are?
man, it's time I realize life is worth it and I've made it this far
when I can't forget, can't forgive, and get stuck
tires spinning, thoughts running, strength thinning
out of control
what role does my faith play in feeling whole?
I wish I could erase this hole eating away inside
but then I might just feel more empty
I try to cut through the feelings by cutting through the skin that covers this lifeless body
the razor shreds my flesh instead of fleshing out all of the chaos inside this mess of a mind
Sadie Grace Dec 2023
I wanna slice up my arms
Leave some real nice scars
Let the blood drip down my skin while I grin like a ******
Then go back in the store before stopping myself from doing more and wishing I had tore open a vein
I’m going insane
Guess I just love the pain
A slave to my brain
It just paves the way for another “episode”
Wish I could just explode
Or slowly corrode
I don’t know how to be with people
I don’t trust the man working in the building with a steeple
They’re supposed to be good but always end up evil
Doing **** that’s illegal
So back to my original thought
Now you know what brought me here
I wanna slice up these arms
Leave them nice and scarred
Cuz this life is ******* hard
And I just wanna feel something else
Sadie Grace Oct 2021
i came back to the dance
of a pen
on a paper
of fingers on keys
of a mind
in a moment

at first i stumbled
it had been so long
and then i started to dance again
and out came all the feelings and the moments and the memories that i won't talk about
and out came everything that won't ever come out of my mouth

i came back to the dance
so i don't have to come back to the same crippling feelings anymore

i came back

so i can move on
some thoughts on beginning to write again after a while
Sadie Grace Dec 2023
This is my recovery
I’m not where I want to be
I can’t shake these memories
Of the person I used to be
The scars fade but
They’re the scars that made me
The scars that saved me
Now I’m a little closer to whole
Filling in the holes that I wore through this soul of mine
I’ve been run ragged carrying around all this baggage
It gets too heavy after a while and it’s time to stop and steady myself
Why don’t you just lay it down?
This road keeps going up ahead
There are more ways to move on and one day you will be found
No sense in stopping now
There’s life up ahead
Living one day at a time
I keep filing through the pain in my head
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
One day this life will stop and the you you knew will cease to exist
There’ll be nothing left but what you did with all the pain
Take a breath
Take a step
Let someone know
Life will ebb and flow
But we’re better off with you
We’re better off because you kept going
This is my recovery
But it’s not just mine
Written from the writing prompt: “my recovery means…”
Sadie Grace Jul 2020
i'm sentenced to house arrest
by my own fear
Sadie Grace Aug 2023
She used to be alive
Not hanging on by a thread
Not worrying if she’d survive
She was living life instead
Then the lights went out
And the fears began to shout
And she sat in the dark with no desire to face another day
Out of place, out of grace
She retraced all the ways she had failed
Then she thought why waste another day?
There’s nothing left to say
Nothing left but today
Plans already underway
But there must be a reason to stay
Written the day before I went inpatient
Sadie Grace Oct 2021
It left residue on these two hands
so much that you won't shake them
you won't grab them when these hands are reaching out
You're scared these ***** hands might infect you
these two hands
they're bruised from the anger
scarred from the anxiety
& sticky from the memories he left
these hands are worn
exhausted
& weary
looking for rest
so when they reach out
these hands, this heart- they're in distress
and even though these hands are sticky
I am not asking you to clean them
Just hold them
make them feel seen
cuz there's residue now
but one day these two hands will be clean
A poem I wrote a few years back
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
Winds blow trees back and forth
Thunder booms, rain pelts my face
Call it harsh but I love it
Call it dark but I live for this
Nature demonstrates exactly how my soul is feeling  
I’m a spring storm, longing for a sunny summer
Sadie Grace Dec 2022
How do I accept a gift I don't deserve?
How do I accept a pardon I never earned?
With scarred hands, I reach out to the One whose pierced hands healed me
My hard heart is replaced with one that longs for Him, and I kneel before my Creator as He reveals Himself to me
I am sealed with a promise
The Spirit stamps me
and I know
that I am His

We were created to be free
but it came at the highest price
Freedom is real. Trust in Jesus.
Sadie Grace May 2020
There's life in this pen beyond what someone will read

They only see the pretty, cleaned up, typed out version of my thoughts

This is the battlefield where they go to war

This paper will take the hits, absorb the impacts, and survive

Your mind might not
Our friendship might not

But my hand will keep dancing across the pages
Originally this was written in my notebook.
Sadie Grace May 2020
I walked a mile searching for the sunset
but couldn't quite find it
the storm clouds tried to cover
the trees tried to hide
the darkness tried to smother it

but I still found slivers of color and beauty
covered in clouds
hidden behind trees
smothered by darkness
but still alive
still visible

is this what grief looks like?

darkness slowly eclipsing the beauty of life
Sadie Grace Jan 22
In this world, you will have troubles
painful troubles leaving you empty
they tempt me to indulge in temporary pain relief
You know it in the form of liquid, pills, or razor blades
Soon the luster fades and I’m left with the same pain that brought me here and then some
New scars don’t fade
New addictions I can’t break
Am I here by mistake?
What I used to numb my pain turned into just another source of it
In this world, you will have troubles
It’s ok
"I have overcome this world of pain"
"In this world you will have troubles, but take heart for I have overcome the world." JOHN 16:33
Sadie Grace May 2023
~The world lost its color again~

I used to see in black and white
then one day, God painted my world with color
making all wrongs right

It's been duller for a while
now fading to gray
Does that mean I never truly saw
if sight's not here to stay?
Sadie Grace Jan 2021
I wonder
Why darkness creeps in so quickly each day
but times change
And time changes
So when the light seems to leave an hour early
I must remind myself
this darkness is just a nudge
a hint
perhaps a warning
That you must rest
For longer days will come when you will need your strength
And in those long, sweaty days of summer
I will think back to when the sun told me to go home
because even the shortest day
Was long enough
Sadie Grace Nov 2023
I'm trapped
Food mapped out
No way out
Am I losing my mind?
How will I find a way out of this bind?
Out of this mess of a mind
No hope for the chains to be released
This is my way to cope with the pains, they never cease
I need a solution
Too much pollution clogging the pathways in this brain
I need a new way forward
A way to feel sane
But for now I'm trapped
no need to complain -- I did this to myself
no need to compalin -- it's time to get help and start helping myself
a poem I wrote from the writing prompt: "my ED is ..."
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
She paints with watercolors because they bleed all over the paper
like the feelings coming out of her mind bleed all over her arms
like the words shouted at her bleed all over her heart
She wished one day to paint with acrylics
they were simple and quiet
they colored inside the lines
they didn’t bleed
but who cares anymore?
She’s already numb to it all
Sadie Grace May 2020
She wished to paint with watercolors
because they bled all over the paper
Like her emotions bled all out of her wrists
but never out of her mouth

She wished there was a way to be beautiful
and still tell the truth of her messy, wild life

She was reaching for her razor blade
When the watercolors called to her
There is a better way
There is an easier way than this, they whispered
She wanted to believe it
but didn't know if it was worth the risk
didn't want to look weak

There was no pain involved in this new way
Only beauty bleeding from her heart
Instead of her skin
Was it worth it?
to leave paint stains rather than scars on her arms
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
I wake up to sweet, beautiful rain
I stick my head out the door and feel the coolness drip over my face
I stick my hands out and long for them to be washed by this water from heaven
Wash over me, rain
Wash over me, water
Wash me clean
I hear the voice of the Living Water
I have already made you clean
You are forgiven
Sadie Grace Dec 2023
I feel weak
remembering days I would weep
for hours
sour moments, feeling hopeless, out of focus
Please give me a break
I can't take it anymore
Can't fake it anymore
Mistakes cloud my mind
I don't remember what it felt like before this
Now I'm lying on the floor
hurting to my core
Learning to ignore
all the pain
I'm trying to ignore
all the ways my brain
tries to hijack my joy
I can't buy back the years
lost to fear
regret won't take me anywhere
but backwards
I can't forget the ache and affliction
misery and sickness
of feeling out of control
of my mind
What role do the chemicals play?
What reason do I have to stay?
When the sun goes down and I can't find my way, can't bear another day
Where are you, God?
Despair drowns me
Heart pounds
Face frowns
The alarm sounds
and I reset
forget it all
and move on to a new day
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
Even if your world is falling apart
I hope you take care of that precious heart
Feed it truth
Feed it love
Feed it forgiveness
When the season is over, look back and see
In all this illness
There was growth
In all this sickness
There was hope
For one day, you will see again
One day you will breathe again
And one day we will meet again
Sadie Grace Apr 2020
It’s not supposed to be this way,
but that never stopped anybody.
-words of the victim

— The End —