it gives me this calm, your arms
it gives me this quiet peace
which i know that i cannot forever keep
i try to treasure it
in the moments that i can
i try to stitch your face so badly into my head
because soon i know, i will never see it again

because i've been throwing up flowers for you
and you've only destroyed them with weeds
and so i know if i change the color of the leaves
that you will make them brittle and dead,
i wish you didn't have
a spot in my head

she said you are fire and she lets you burn her
she said you are a sun that keeps her warm yet a moon during the night which keeps her cold
she said you are a tragedy in her eyes yet you are your own beautiful masterpiece in the right times
she said you love her
she said she wants to believe you

you like what you see
but you don't like what you hear
i am afraid, my dear
that my head is too heavy
for anyone to want to bear
i'll hold your hand as you go
i am sorry for the things
i let you know

someday, i will read back on all of this. all of the conversations, the words, the hate and spitefulness, the desperate and longing love, the hurt and forgiveness, and then,
all of this now too, entirely existent emptiness, because,
you are no longer here
and i, we, are now shell encased, bitter, loving memories

train tracks
train
jump
dead
house
right in front
yours
dying
right where the one
i love
is living
sleeping
rest
i can haunt you
where i put
my spirit
to rest

i sat outside for a long time
and contemplated suicide
i smoked cigarette after cigarette
growing frustrated as i reached the end of my pack
i took drink after drink, unaware of the heaviness my head was causing me
i was already hazy, so i didn't notice the tears that were blinding me
i thought of how many people would attend my funeral
i pondered if i should even leave a note
i wondered desperately how many people loved me
i grew more anxious when i realized there was none
i passed out outside, under the moon and star light
i knew that by now i was so drunk that i could end it without a second thought
yet in the morning, i awoke still alive
i often wonder why i want to die
i wonder why i haven't done it by now
i wonder -
what a life,
always thinking of suicide

i want people to love me
but i don't want to have to be dead

you look so lonely when you hunch your shoulders
and twist your fingers so tightly together
sitting in the corner, with your knees pressed to your chest
face covered, i can only hear mumbles
you look so lonely because this is how you always remain
so closed off and far away
if only you could allow me to see your face
maybe you could see there is a better way
than living inside of this solitude which is painting you pitch black
so much more color, you don't even have to ask
just rest your shoulders, release your fingers
stretch out your legs, lift your head from your lap
the world is brighter than you think, and i've been here all along sitting by your side
trying to make you see

******* hell
i loved you like heaven
i was the devil
and i adored you as god

i am really sad
i feel disconnected from everything
i feel disconnected from everyone
i feel no inspiration to go on
i feel no delight in these things i once loved
i feel like an empty shell
i feel homeless
i feel i have no place safe to rest my head
i feel so far away from reality
i feel dead in my bed

i feel really sad

some of us wait forever for 'better'
it has been promised to us so many times like a sweet, sweet lie
just hold on longer,
a little bit longer
(you can't get better if you don't want to)
do you know how badly i want to?
but i can't sit here and wait forever for 'better'
i don't have forever
i'm racing the clock for the day when i will no longer be afraid
when i give up on 'better'

then i will truly be better

the worse it gets each time
the less i care
the less love that i feel
if there was any to exist
the worse it gets each time
i need a painless way
i need to escape

she said she was dead and took a bullet to her head
no one believed her because she had been crying wolf for far too long
the years that droned on and on, and she kept playing the same old song
eventually all care and warmth left
and she was left to fend for all of these monsters by herself instead
they never realized how much worse it had became
it's been five years she said, and i'm through trying to play this game

love arrived
love crashed
love burned
love died
love i held still
deep inside of my chest
love that i had to learn
to let unexist
love i hold loosely now
within my hands
love that i loved
love that i buried
love that became only memories

i want to peel
my skin from my face
because i feel unsafe
living in such this way
and therein contained
is such overwhelming ugliness
i don't want you to see me
in this skin
i want pure and unblemished
a sight which you can cherish

it's a fine tuesday afternoon,
and you sit inside locked within your room
the sun burns and the voices hurt,
though you are craving human touch
yet the only things touching your skin is this bottle of wine and your cigarettes to your lips

i want to let my ghost evaporate inside of you through your mouth
finally i can touch your lips, breathe me in but don't breathe me out
blend me in with your soul so that you will never let go
give my spirit its eternal resting place where it has always wanted to be
home, home, finally, that is you
i have always clung to you for this sweet, sweet peace

i breathe and you breathe
and we create some sort of harmony
like a dance for two
which we want no one else to see
midnight hours, the dark cloaking our shadows
the shallow breathing
of exchanging one another
we're like two ghosts lingering in the graveyard
i breathe and you breathe
and we keep this secrecy

i want to go lay down in a warm field of grass and not wake up
let my death be surrounded by the flowers and the sun
and the sweet scent of peace which reminds me i still remain here
my spirit says its ready to go, its ready to go home

I remember one night you came back to me after being gone for ten minutes or so, and I asked you why did you come back? and you answered, because I didn't want you to be alone.
And I think that is what love is.

he was violet violence in her eyes
and she was cyan sadness in his
the two tried to mesh
but their colors couldn't blend

i have been
                      (sad)
lately
for what it would seem
                               (no reason)
to speak
so hear my crumbling
                                      (aching)
you aren't listening
i remain
                   (alone).

i will find
peace and solitary
somewhere, sometime
inside of this mind
just right now
is not my time
nor any of the right
kinds of love
that have kept me awake these nights
i will find
and it will be here
and it will be tangible
and it is so very near
but i need to learn
to love, first
myself
and it will be
so beautifully heart wrenching

normal girls don't cry over songs and normal girls don't get in trouble with the law
lovable girls don't always wear a frown upon their face and lovable girls don't make their skin sometimes bleed
normal girls don't hardly ever speak and normal girls don't whittle away in self-deprecating poetry
lovable girls don't ***** their mouth with poison sticks and lovable girls don't die every day because you forgot to tell her that you love her today

i am endlessly tired
of seeing all these successful people
and i am endlessly tired
of creating catastrophes
when it is never intentional
but calling them mistakes
starts to sound like excuses
no it really isn't
and even my passions are useless
and i'm no good at those either
when i kind of want to share it with the world
and become one of those successful people
but i suppose i need to accept
i'll always be in the unnoticed dark
efforts are futile
people see success
not efforts
people see useless failures
not struggling survivors

draped all in black
you look as if Death asked you to marry it
you're walking to your own funeral
you know what will happen if you say I do to Death

do you wanna lose our heads tonight?
we can regret it in the morning
but that's the morning and this is right now
and it is dark and beautiful and you're smiling
and all i would rather do right now is put my hand on your knee and finish these drinks
yeah we can slip under the covers and be consumed by the warmth
and if it is okay can i hold your hand until the sun comes up?
can i brush up against your skin so mine isn't alone for once?
can i pretend for just tonight your body is mine and mine yours?
let's lose our heads tonight
you and i

another fail
i am not holding my breath
so please do not bother
bringing me down gently
i am already not breathing

It gets harder and harder by the day
To learn how to forget your name
And see that face and train myself
That I never trusted my secrets with it
Much less ever kissed it
Brown eyes and brown hair
Aren't the same on anyone else now
Yours were always my favorite, and still
It's like you possess all of the color
And everyone else is bland and gray
And I don't understand how you don't care
That someone sees you as this surreal creature here
I'd give an arm and leg to receive a glance
Feel like I'm worth looking at

i am the silhouette you see but do not get too near
the shadow lingering in the back with hearing ears
the sliver of moonlight you use to guide you home
when you reach your doorstep you offer not one glance back
i am the quiet radiant that goes unnoticed
the profound silence you ward away
all of the words you wish that you could say

but why when you are a ghost
does no one seem to know?
much less notice, offer a glance
when all you crave
is one word
that you still exist
because lost inside of yourself
it's difficult to see that there is any worth

no one was here and i become so lost and unsure of where to go
i danced with death because it promised me it was here
i held out my arms and let show the scars, i said, see, i have been waiting for so long
and death embraced me so tightly and promised to never let go
and its words were the only thing i could trust
so i said okay and i gave in
you've always been here, but i was just scared
yet now your arms are the last and only ones i desire
i said, i'm not loved
i said, i'm not needed
i said, i'm not wanted
i said, thank you for wanting me
i said
we both finally got what we wanted, in this long rollercoaster of a finale

it's that little smile you have
when you push your hair
away from your face
as if you're trying to remain brave
and we don't have to go back inside
we can stay out here all night
until the stars say goodbye
and the black fades into light
as you're closing your tired eyes
i'll carry you back inside
keep you warm as we sleep away the day
but you look so at peace as you sleep
can i just watch you instead?
try to see your brave little smile again

you spilled ink onto my heart
oh you left such a terrible mess
the more i try to expel it with each word i write,
the messier it seems to become
i cannot wash you away
you've stained my blood black
i am trying to find the red
so that i can live again
it seems hopeless, your imprint on me,
the permanent ink
as if your hand print lays over my heart
and deep into my soul
claimed me as your own

when i came back home, home was no longer home
i was older and things had changed
me doing different things by the day
and everything felt familiar but strange
i was home but it was new
and i was alone when i have felt comfort being home
home did not change, i did
and all i wanted
was to go back
to 18 year old me
in her home surrounded by peace

when we were real and we were getting better
and we weren't fighting and shouting profanities
and it kind of always felt so false because i guess we were so used to the bad stuff
and everyone around us kept doubting all of the good stuff
and it shouldn't matter and it didn't but it would have been easier had other people had hope too
and i just guess i hope this time we
are real again
like two years ago in the snow
in the dark December night
way back when but hey,
we can be that again

you make me forget that i have a face, you make me believe that my image in the mirror is deceiving me, yeah you make me believe that i am beyond this scarred skin and i am my bones and my skeleton and my untouchable mind, you love something that you cannot ever touch and is just an idea of existence, you make me feel a feeling or a word that cannot possibly exist where "love" is not good enough, because i am beyond anything of this universe, you make me forget that i have a face, you make me forget that i am sometimes ugly, you make me forget yet make me realize that i am mere human, and it is all okay and it is all oh just so fine and that there is no reason to cry, and that me being here might maybe have some worth in its own time, that i can't find, but you make me feel reassured without a certain doubt that i will always be your time
youknowwhoyouareyouaretheonlyonewhocanreadmymind

tell me again how this all makes sense
tell me again why there is blood on your hands
tell me again how love justifies suffocation
tell me again when enough is enough

failing
              and
                        falling
falli­ng
              into
                       failing
where the ****
                                   am i *going?

i talked to my Depression tonight
i begged it
to go away
it snickered, and said,
"but i am not done yet,
i need to stay"
and returned back
*******, i hit my head
go away...
go away

i see two sides of me
i know at this point
i am truly going crazy

half drunken slurs
blurred, messy words
this isn't love
this isn't love
pin me down
with your unsettling thoughts
this isn't love
this isn't love...

it still hurts
it's still a gaping hole
most of the time
especially at night
when you're no longer mine to hold

i don't know what you want me to say
it is rain in my head and sorrow in my veins
and if all you can do is to look away,
i understand, i have grown accustomed to it being this way

violet violence
i find it sort of sad
that this was all we ever had
even now, after the fall
you are still violent in my thoughts

i enjoy being a loner
when i need my silence
but not when i am walking in the streets
snow crunching beneath my feet
and look around, see an empty town
void of any faces, a lack of any hello
that i begin to realize
i don't always enjoy being alone
sometimes i yearn for a hand to hold
i enjoy being a loner
i don't want to die a loner

so it has been one year now
of me adoring you from afar
you unaware, and me stealing quick glances
when you were not looking
(this isn't really going to sound poetic
i just had to get out of my chest)
i saw the other day, you were with her
officially, now, right?
because you had to put it on the internet
(which, by the way, is ruining lives)
and i saw,
she was the complete opposite of me
and so much better
so much prettier
so much more successful
and it seemed to me
i was shrinking
fading into the background, as always
as someone who adores you
but cannot speak
and only ever yearns, to know you
but you have her
and she is flawless, i see
i see why
you would choose her
and perhaps my silence is my downfall
but you are so
inexplicably
perfection
i cannot speak, i remain mute
i just can't help but wish
you were coming here to see me
not she
she
i am always ever remaining
nothing

because i am locked away
writing stupid poetry
which no eyes will read

i've always been the girl who was sneaking out late from home
i've always been the girl smoking cigarettes behind dumpsters to not be caught
i've always been the girl who felt all too lonely and went off with strange men
i've always been the girl who enjoyed meaningless *** for the night yet hurt herself in the morning for it
i've always been the girl seeking some sort of concrete love
i've always been the girl that was told, "love yourself, or no one else will"
i've always been the girl attracted to danger because life was too draining and boring
i've always been the girl seeking approval from others who don't matter
i've always been the girl beating herself up for these things, because she knows they are true
i've always been the girl looking into the mirror and seeing a monster staring right back at her
i'm the girl standing on the railroad tracks wishing for it to end
i'm the girl that is starting to see, she no longer has to be these things

because it was your skin and the scent upon it
and the warmth i felt as i embraced your back
and the way my head seemed to fit
perfectly underneath your chin and upon your chest
and feeling you tightly grasp
the back of my head
as you hungered for more than a kiss
the way i think "security" must feel
but you brought me home that night a couple hours later
i'm not getting attached, i promised to myself i know just what this is
i don't think i can play around like this
because i am too emotional and you are too emotionless
and we don't fit
it was just our bodies, the way they moved and pressed
i just can't help but wish i wish it could be more than that

i don't know
how i feel about you
anymore
i just know
that when i am drunk
i am on the phone
telling you
i love you,
still