I kind of feel sad today.
Doctor says I have depression, and well...I believe him.
My dad thinks its just for attention
I always feel shitty.
It's an everyday part of my life now.
See, today someone stole my laptop charger at school,
and my project got stolen, too.
I've never cut in my life.
I've never done drugs.
I've drank a few times, but who hasn't?
I think I'm suicidal.
But I can't wrap my head around death.
It scares me.
So instead of dying,
I tear myself to pieces wishing for it to come,
but never speeding up the process
I feel shitty.
I said that before.
Like, I follow a Shepard.
I'm a little lamb
but my blood seeps through my white wool.
this little lamb is killed.
I never make sense.
And they wonder why I am suicidal.
there was a party.
Instead of going,
I bounced a tennis ball back and forth against my wall.
I hate the world,
but I'm scared to leave it.
Doctors don't help,
mothers don't help
Friends don't help
being single sure as hell doesn't help
I just feel shitty.
I look outside,
See all the things that I'm missing,
I feel empty,
Too scared to still make the change,
I follow the same old pattern,
The pattern that kills me,
While I'm still breathing,
I'm choking myself slowly,
It's like a disease,
I'm supposed to live,
But I've given up,
Given up in slowmotion.
No, I'm not queer,
I just sometimes crush on girls.
No, I'm not a Feminist,
I just think that women deserve more rights than they do now.
No, I'm not depressed,
The blues just never seem to end, lately.
No, I'm not suicidal,
I just wish that the passing car had hit me.
No, I'm not in love with him,
I'm tough as nails: a fighter not a lover.
No, I'm not anxious,
Sometimes my nerves feel more jittery than usual.
No, I'm not anorexic,
I'm just on a diet that never seems to end.
my buddy keeps me chained to the bed
he's like a dark shadow, consuming and-
and my pal, the one that's there when i look into the past,
thinks that he can be a good friend;
they double team me, pin me down,
choke me 'til i feel sick
'til tears leak from shadowed eyes.
it's one hell of a threesome, let me tell you
i barely leave the bedroom
i've barely left the house in months
see my last lover cheated on me
so i'm sticking to friends with benefits now—
they don't mind sharing me
and sometimes they invite more chums along.
i'd give their names but you'd lose interest;
nobody wants to talk about my love life
once they can put faces to my promiscuity
all this company
and i'm alone as can be
did you know it's been over three months
since anybody touched me?
since i touched anybody else?
"what about your lovers"
they're teases, really—what else could drive me to tears?
i shed three today
i think they call that growing
but i could still see his shadow behind my eyelids
hear his voice inside my mind
and then i was three years old again,
no lovers, no threesomes, no gang bangs
just screaming and tears and
"big boys don't cry"
'daddy, i'm three'
his new girlfriend washes me clean
'why is daddy angry?'
"let me shampoo your hair, there's sick everywhere"
back in the moment and i'm eighteen years old
i taste acid in my throat.
there's a broken bowl.
another lover━this one cool and callous and uncaring━
she comes and sweeps me back to bed;
she's efficient like that,
i no longer care if i'm living or dead.
i still feel sick but-
i'm fine. all these friends slash lovers
it's okay because they're mine.
you don't know how much it means to a lonely child
to have something he can hold onto,
to say, "i'm gonna live with these guys for the rest of my life."
i walk the line.
i walk the line of death
and i do not know
which way to lean.
i tell lies through my teeth--
i teeter on the edge of oblivion.
the unknown beckons amidst
the anguish festering within.
nightfall claws at memories;
darkness engulfs as thoughts
surface, race, remind-
and i wonder how easy
a step to the left, down into
death, might be.
You call me strong
I'm far from it.
I cried all the time
And now I don't let anyone in.
I always screwed up
And now I wish I was smarter.
I have gone through a lot
And it made me a damsel.
I was hit
And now I'm scared of quick movements.
I was screamed at
And now I hate loud sounds.
I was shut down
And now I have no confidence.
I was sent away
And now I can't get comfortable.
I was suicidal
And now I'm damaged.
I was anorexic
And now I'll never be healthy.
I was lied to
And now I can't trust.
I was always the target
And now I'll never be strong enough.
I've never wanted
In my stupid life
Things could go wrong
Or maybe even
But it doesn't
Change the urge I feel inside
I want to
Take that step
To explore with the dead
With no feelings
I want to end
This toxic existence
I am the enemy
For once, not the victim
In the tragic tale
That ends in blood
Staining the walls
More than anything
I want to go out
Of passionate red
As my life
Flows from my veins
I'll only be glad
I'm ending your pain
My tears are mixing with bath water.
I guess drowning in your sorrows isn't just a metaphor anymore.
I'm dunking my head underwater.
Hoping that my lungs will be full.
But as soon as my eyes start to sting,
I come back above.
I'm screaming and crying with my head against cold walls.
Condensation dripping onto my forehead,
I don't think I can do this anymore..
Exasperated, I'm weak.
And I still don't know whats wrong:
With me, with my mind?
Why everyone leaves when they used to love?
I take one more deep breath of all the air around me.
And with each dust particle I think of all the reasons -
The ones that spin constantly around my mind each and every day,
on why I don't want to be here.
And then I close my eyes.
I let my body fall.