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"substitutions" poems
Substitutions are short term solutions To problems that we cannot resolve Even though I am human, I need to evolve My hand is not my companion It doesn't ask me how happy I am The twitch happens and its time to go again Is this how sobriety is supposed to play out? Kicking ***** to the curb, only to receive In return an obsession, over my depression To try and write down life's lessons? Yet with all these journals half empty What exactly am I saving for me? Disappointment, because I missed the Appointment to my own creativity? I do have a proclivity to playing out My own self-fulfilling prophecies Oh well, that's just me
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Jul 10, 2022
Jul 10, 2022 at 1:23 PM UTC
Substitutions
of what is a love poem for me, to me was always cyclical first noun then pronoun then nothing noun loves me, pronoun loves me not noun loved me last week prounoun loves me not this week noun will love me evermore, pronoun, poe-no, nevermore a name is a noun a pronoun is a substitute ***for matters of love I announce forevermore only call me by name no substitutions*** even cycles must end, only call me by noun-name, forevermore
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Dec 1, 2018
Dec 1, 2018 at 10:22 AM UTC
the cyclical definition of me/only call me by my name
My timing is off The bricks are laid A fallen trail Of pretty little Puzzle pieces Substitutions That print and press All the sickness left I'm tired Of making it less Euphemism Never did the trick It sugar coats It tastes too thick Rain will hit And quick tossed Trail crossed Will melt away That imaginary Bull **** That you Always create
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Apr 24, 2013
Apr 24, 2013 at 1:22 AM UTC
Lobotomy
We've reached an age where we talk at people. There's no 'to' or 'with'. We carelessly throw words around to each other hoping not to catch any unsatisfying sentences in return. Most of these substitutions for conversations are shoveled bit by bit through radio waves to small circuits in our pockets. Verbal language has become distant and alien to us. We're too content removing ourselves from the intimacy of communication that we've created societal norms that only further entrench this behavior while encouraging a facade of emotionless abandonment. An answer other than 'good' to the masquerade of an endearing question - "how are you?" - will raise eyebrows and prompt suspicion. How far removed are we as humans from one another that a question on another's well-being is genuinely regarded as a greeting and meant to be mostly ignored and never answered honestly? Put down your device and pick up your tongue.
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Jul 16, 2014
Jul 16, 2014 at 7:25 PM UTC
7/16/2014 - On Communication
Stake claim, enslave Falling behind A wake so odd Cosmic, wretched truth Will all compose With repetition Til all devolves Equally wrong choices, with dire stakes Options weighed, time again Derived presets, and presupposition Derivative motion,  placed on this clean slate And left for a lifetime Of horrid substitutions
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Jun 30, 2018
Jun 30, 2018 at 5:37 AM UTC
Latency
I filled my bullet holes from the inside out Concrete substitutions for flesh laid by a man of stone So cold to the touch in the moonlight hours I almost forget I was ever warm Perforated to the core of my being My initial rebuttal to the pain i felt was to harden myself Teach myself to live with the cold And look towards the solid shadows I then casted for inspiration to carry on Fool myself into believing in the wholeness of a broken man I lived as a creation of my own twisted and transformed imagination day in and day out Dragging along the heavy weight a shield of hate brought with it The problem being Behind that shield I was protected fully from any outside source of grief But I was trapped as well A layer of thick rage and apathy deflecting any and all other emotion A poison that constantly ate at what was left of me Soon I became too weak to stand The price you pay for being invincible against all other forces is that you can never stop yourself from dying on the inside I had built a fortress to no avail Because I had trapped the evil within myself On my knees, my body rotting away What was left of my flesh began to shrink back The concrete was losing its grip the walls of skin that held them in retreating The evil had won Chunks of cement fell to the ground and crumbled The agony indescribable I was losing the last ounce of security I had left in this world I was weak and the heaviness of the shield left when I could no longer hold it I was defeated I sat awaiting a death that in my mind was the only thing left assured to me But it never came Instead, I saw the sun rise over the horizon I felt its warm rays on my disfigured flesh And all around me was illuminated In the light I saw how horrible what I had done to myself really was At the price of living I had bought myself immortality Nothing more than a cruel joke Night never came again And eventually I stood up The light shone through my bullet holes as I did and the last of my disgust for the world was gone I buried the shield and the crumbled stone deep in the darkness and never went back Because no matter what may have been in my past, no matter how much blood I had shed, I knew that now I could live, Truly
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Jul 29, 2014
Jul 29, 2014 at 3:05 PM UTC
Filling in my Bullet Holes with Cement
I filled my bullet holes from the inside out Concrete substitutions for flesh laid by a man of stone So cold to the touch in the moonlight hours I almost forget I was ever warm Perforated to the core of my being My initial rebuttal to the pain i felt was to harden myself Teach myself to live with the cold And look towards the solid shadows I then casted for inspiration to carry on Fool myself into believing in the wholeness of a broken man I lived as a creation of my own twisted and transformed imagination day in and day out Dragging along the heavy weight a shield of hate brought with it The problem being Behind that shield I was protected fully from any outside source of grief But I was trapped as well A layer of thick rage and apathy deflecting any and all other emotion A poison that constantly ate at what was left of me Soon I became too weak to stand The price you pay for being invincible against all other forces is that you can never stop yourself from dying on the inside I had built a fortress to no avail Because I had trapped the evil within myself On my knees, my body rotting away What was left of my flesh began to shrink back The concrete was losing its grip the walls of skin that held them in retreating The evil had won Chunks of cement fell to the ground and crumbled The agony indescribable I was losing the last ounce of security I had left in this world I was weak and the heaviness of the shield left when I could no longer hold it I was defeated I sat awaiting a death that in my mind was the only thing left assured to me But it never came Instead, I saw the sun rise over the horizon I felt its warm rays on my disfigured flesh And all around me was illuminated In the light I saw how horrible what I had done to myself really was At the price of living I had bought myself immortality Nothing more than a cruel joke Night never came again And eventually I stood up The light shone through my bullet holes as I did and the last of my disgust for the world was gone I buried the shield and the crumbled stone deep in the darkness and never went back Because no matter what may have been in my past, no matter how much blood I had shed, I knew that now I could live, Truly
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43
There was morality in why women want, but emotional voids are consumed by consumerism and it’s redundant, but you can’t feed the starving food. These days you can’t find one not entranced by the idea of a “better ****** diet,” and it sounds like they need to eat out more, but the Glamour in magazines is under empty stomachs and proof-labeled wine. So you find yourself at a cross, cross-eyed and in a skeletal body running in the rain. But if she wrote Drinking: A love story, and broke my heart, then she can fill voids with Hegel substitutions. She filled one with God and one with Zoloft. A baby escapes, escape that Burroughs found only in ******** and ***** until he met a golden pig and finally blacked-in) And in the child’s first suckling moment “Let her be filled.”
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Jan 26, 2011
Jan 26, 2011 at 10:08 PM UTC
Appetites
Such artificial nonsense rhyme, That can turn art into slime, And make your thoughts not worth a dime, And words a total waste of time. Throw away the limiting forms, Burn all the idiotic norms, Old-fashioned rules apply to fools, No one but me plays with my tools! The new trinity is Me, Myself and I! I set the rules for every game, And follow none, just the same, Anarchy rules all, and that's no lie! Iambic pentameter? Pyrrhic substitutions? Who the hell cares about those illusions! Counting syllables and each line? Grand, old, pompous idiocy most sublime! Write a sonnet? I'd rather wear a pink bonnet! But if I do 15 lines it will be Why, 'cause I say so, doggone it! And no idiot ABAB CDCD EFEF GG I am GOD and rule it blasphemy, To follow both hard and easy rules, That can make heads hurt, you'll agree, Or burn in eternal hell as reactionary fools. There is more art in a cow's mighty **** Than in Milton, Shakespeare, Wordsworth and Pope, If you can't beat them, marginalize them from the start, Drag them through the mire to raise me up, that is my hope. From now on all couplets shall triplets be, thus do I decree, Come to me on bended knee and I will set you free, Everyone's a poet, welcome to the new reality.
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Feb 14, 2019
Feb 14, 2019 at 1:51 PM UTC
ain't gonna rhyme no more
love is more than just a language between two people. it's several phrases, actions, and words foreign endeavors and behaviors, thoughts, all together as one. as those speaking acts of love, we expect those we speak to to understand. but we all speak different forms of love; compatibility of such revelations are misunderstood. love is an adventure a search for whose language of love, though different from one's own, can be interpreted and understood; and wished to be learned. though to learn a love is easy, to comprehend anothers love cannot be forced. love is tragic an algebraic expression with several substitutions and a million different answers; but only one is correct in the mind of the beholder. love can be the worst or the greatest thing; unrequited can **** but when it works out; it can live forever. N.R 2017
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Aug 19, 2017
Aug 19, 2017 at 12:15 AM UTC
the language of love.
when time summons you and tells you it is your time you must go. reluctantly given no warning and given no space reluctantly understanding thoughts you should never have to understand. taking precious and valuable heart space and shattered soul you must go. listen to time as it knows best when our minds fail to cease our darkened thoughts and we become violent listen to time. listen to its boundaries and when it tells you to leave. your heart, nor your head are substitutions for time. and if it is not your time you will know. forcefully or gently time will grab you and remove you from the place you thought you should be. but don't act against it. you will only come to a place of regret.
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Mar 11, 2014
Mar 11, 2014 at 1:19 PM UTC
time knows best
Where is my language and why can't I speak it? It's being replaced with a haze of Spanish eyes and olive skin casting shadows across itself in the mid-morning sun. I would be one to remember the days of what I could say, words integrate, binding my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Colder, colder, migrating south, hold my hand and tell me it will be alright. I wanted to know how the bird in flight felt to have its feathers washed from its body, how the decaying leaf felt to be buried in snow. And now all I want to know is how it would feel to be the world's smallest organism. How it would feel to divide, divide, roots so shallow I can't find my feet, swept away by the smallest rush of pins pushing against my body. How it would feel to be torn apart in the name of science - would I still be beautiful if my ribs were inside out? Would I still be beautiful if my heart bloomed like the winter flower? Would you love me if I could be anything, a wasteland with a clear surface, water being poured down the drain? If I was a sequence, the number of steps before the next system over, would my DNA align just enough to make me reflect you? I'm hapless, lethargic, entirely theoretical, and I'm counting the number of substitutions I can make before I no longer exist. What will it take to wipe me away? How many cells do you have to remove from my spine before it is no longer my own? I used to want to feel the air breathing with me, to know what it is that makes the water love the earth so dearly. Now all I want to feel is soft skin on my hands, the curve of my waist as I sleep, the skin pale under the sheets, beauty sighing from between my blue lips.
0
Jan 12, 2018
Jan 12, 2018 at 7:46 AM UTC
Align
Where is my language and why can't I speak it? It's being replaced with a haze of Spanish eyes and olive skin casting shadows across itself in the mid-morning sun. I would be one to remember the days of what I could say, words integrate, binding my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Colder, colder, migrating south, hold my hand and tell me it will be alright. I wanted to know how the bird in flight felt to have its feathers washed from its body, how the decaying leaf felt to be buried in snow. And now all I want to know is how it would feel to be the world's smallest organism. How it would feel to divide, divide, roots so shallow I can't find my feet, swept away by the smallest rush of pins pushing against my body. How it would feel to be torn apart in the name of science - would I still be beautiful if my ribs were inside out? Would I still be beautiful if my heart bloomed like the winter flower? Would you love me if I could be anything, a wasteland with a clear surface, water being poured down the drain? If I was a sequence, the number of steps before the next system over, would my DNA align just enough to make me reflect you? I'm hapless, lethargic, entirely theoretical, and I'm counting the number of substitutions I can make before I no longer exist. What will it take to wipe me away? How many cells do you have to remove from my spine before it is no longer my own? I used to want to feel the air breathing with me, to know what it is that makes the water love the earth so dearly. Now all I want to feel is soft skin on my hands, the curve of my waist as I sleep, the skin pale under the sheets, beauty sighing from between my blue lips.
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57
Love is something that No one will be able to understand. Because sometimes love hurts So bad you feel like your Dieing inside. But love can also feel so good, As if you can control all Aspects of life. But love is so hard to find Because we don't know what It truly feels like. We try to make substitutions For that feeling. But in the end it leaves us farther away from that feeling. Love can only come once In a life time. But sometimes it's so well Hidden that we can look at it in the face And let it leave us forever.
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May 9, 2017
May 9, 2017 at 7:45 AM UTC
Love
Once upon a time There was a boy His life was full of fun and joy Waking up at six in the morning With a feeling everyday is more adorning Getting ready for the school And waiting at the bus stop Every day he felt He was on the world's top Entering into the class room Saying hi to all Gossiping with friends untill Assembly call Standing in the playground Listening to principal's speech All that was nonsense Which she used to preach Coming back to classroom Attending all the classes Just for staring a girl wearing red-blue glasses Four continuous lectures then comes a break So as to avoid stress and headache Sharing lunch boxes Was like a business deal what actually matters Was getting all tasty meal Last period used to Pass very slowly With the history teacher Teaching them very lowly When it reaches two in the school clock It was the time to fly Like the bird hawk Running Faster and faster Down through the stairs Coz no one likes bus seat to share Giggling and laughing Screaming and shouting All the way back to his home Doing all nonsense with his friends When he had time to roam Pressing the doorbell mom opens the door Setting the fan speed at three or more Resting under the fan And watching the television Discovery science was His first provision After the lunch Comes time for the tuitions Coz studies do not hav Any substitutions From there he goes to the football ground To play cricket Just for one or two rounds Back to home asking for a cup of horlicks With few of almonds In the milk to mix Then studying in the bedroom Doing all his homework Finishes the everything on time With all his hardwork goes to the kitchen For having some snacks Jar of biscuits kept on the rack Sharing secrets with his dad long discussion They used to had Have his dinner Then goes to bed Thinking what to do with the future ahead Thinking and thinking eyes stops blinking Fall asleep hoping for a better tomorrow
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Apr 2, 2017
Apr 2, 2017 at 3:46 PM UTC
Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time There was a boy His life was full of fun and joy Waking up at six in the morning With a feeling everyday is more adorning Getting ready for the school And waiting at the bus stop Every day he felt He was on the world's top Entering into the class room Saying hi to all Gossiping with friends untill Assembly call Standing in the playground Listening to principal's speech All that was nonsense Which she used to preach Coming back to classroom Attending all the classes Just for staring a girl wearing red-blue glasses Four continuous lectures then comes a break So as to avoid stress and headache Sharing lunch boxes Was like a business deal what actually matters Was getting all tasty meal Last period used to Pass very slowly With the history teacher Teaching them very lowly When it reaches two in the school clock It was the time to fly Like the bird hawk Running Faster and faster Down through the stairs Coz no one likes bus seat to share Giggling and laughing Screaming and shouting All the way back to his home Doing all nonsense with his friends When he had time to roam Pressing the doorbell mom opens the door Setting the fan speed at three or more Resting under the fan And watching the television Discovery science was His first provision After the lunch Comes time for the tuitions Coz studies do not hav Any substitutions From there he goes to the football ground To play cricket Just for one or two rounds Back to home asking for a cup of horlicks With few of almonds In the milk to mix Then studying in the bedroom Doing all his homework Finishes the everything on time With all his hardwork goes to the kitchen For having some snacks Jar of biscuits kept on the rack Sharing secrets with his dad long discussion They used to had Have his dinner Then goes to bed Thinking what to do with the future ahead Thinking and thinking eyes stops blinking Fall asleep hoping for a better tomorrow
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89
in a haze of morning hours, scrambling for paper, amidst regular intervals of tingling: days splintered by loveliness, sharp aches, clustering thoughts of blue snares. summer's decline. your eyes. tumult. but, what can or can't be done? seemingly everything. i just hide. second nature. paradise by weekend, far reaches before long. isolation held in firm grip. substitutions for the lonely: mud, rock, leaf, water. simplicity. and then, as clear as sunlight, another visage of your eyes, grand blue snares; a warm, glowing scar, i am full of glimmer and a recurrent dull ache. can't help it. don't stop. affections ran deep like trenches, swift like gutters, rained upon, forever. nameless breath sent to or from this greater scheme, the mechanics of my inner chest, sorrow poured out over the stars. all seemingly as distant. i miss you always. but, you, wild& capable, carrying everything with a grin, give no reason for lament. you, out there, behind doors or in thickets, thatching all skies with rivets of joy. and, i, under slow-beating sun, ain't seen to smile so much in forever. but all flying creatures fly. as misery did migrate, so too do fear and consistency, heartache and certainty. such is the path the world will always spin over. so, i write out new and old songs on rust-laden heartstrings. lay lips on nothing, typically. keep on breathing, singing, laughing and spinning, as the world does, knowing all the while that in the recesses of my chest you'll be somewhere, spinning all the same, and i'll just be here, poring over paper, trying to figure the right pattern, to speak words language won't. i'll miss you, always.
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Feb 26, 2015
Feb 26, 2015 at 4:08 PM UTC
part two
in a haze of morning hours, scrambling for paper, amidst regular intervals of tingling: days splintered by loveliness, sharp aches, clustering thoughts of blue snares. summer's decline. your eyes. tumult. but, what can or can't be done? seemingly everything. i just hide. second nature. paradise by weekend, far reaches before long. isolation held in firm grip. substitutions for the lonely: mud, rock, leaf, water. simplicity. and then, as clear as sunlight, another visage of your eyes, grand blue snares; a warm, glowing scar, i am full of glimmer and a recurrent dull ache. can't help it. don't stop. affections ran deep like trenches, swift like gutters, rained upon, forever. nameless breath sent to or from this greater scheme, the mechanics of my inner chest, sorrow poured out over the stars. all seemingly as distant. i miss you always. but, you, wild& capable, carrying everything with a grin, give no reason for lament. you, out there, behind doors or in thickets, thatching all skies with rivets of joy. and, i, under slow-beating sun, ain't seen to smile so much in forever. but all flying creatures fly. as misery did migrate, so too do fear and consistency, heartache and certainty. such is the path the world will always spin over. so, i write out new and old songs on rust-laden heartstrings. lay lips on nothing, typically. keep on breathing, singing, laughing and spinning, as the world does, knowing all the while that in the recesses of my chest you'll be somewhere, spinning all the same, and i'll just be here, poring over paper, trying to figure the right pattern, to speak words language won't. i'll miss you, always.
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52
By Arcassin Burnham Hi I'm Arcassin And I was wondering how a black male in america made it this far, Dear Zeus Please tell me what I've done wrong, And there ain't mountain high enough for journey's to start, there's not enough room in this soul to smile. I know what I've done and I'm not proud. New mission. with honorable mentions. keeping one love. no substitutions. I know my role man. to be a citizen. but I'm so woke man. the truth will hide in sin , sin. we can't pretend like nothing's going on, you wanna waste away , you wanna live your life, I swear material things mean more to you than the people that have your back in this life, so calm down man. you fought long enough. I hope you understand. It's just as simple as trust. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hi I'm Arcassin And I was wondering how a black male in america made it this far, Dear Zeus Please tell me what I've done wrong, And there ain't mountain high enough for journey's to start, there's not enough room in this soul to smile. I know what I've done and I'm not proud. Don't need luck. changes is a must. ***** your issues. Not in the mood to fuss. we all have weaknesses. and we're all not so strong. we all gotta fight. to capsulize the wrong, wrong. we can't pretend like nothing's going on, you wanna waste away , you wanna live your life, I swear material things mean more to you than the people that have your back in this life, I can't control. whatever it is you do. the guilt we try to hold. will only bury you. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
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Jul 6, 2017
Jul 6, 2017 at 10:43 AM UTC
Room Smile
By Arcassin Burnham Hi I'm Arcassin And I was wondering how a black male in america made it this far, Dear Zeus Please tell me what I've done wrong, And there ain't mountain high enough for journey's to start, there's not enough room in this soul to smile. I know what I've done and I'm not proud. New mission. with honorable mentions. keeping one love. no substitutions. I know my role man. to be a citizen. but I'm so woke man. the truth will hide in sin , sin. we can't pretend like nothing's going on, you wanna waste away , you wanna live your life, I swear material things mean more to you than the people that have your back in this life, so calm down man. you fought long enough. I hope you understand. It's just as simple as trust. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hi I'm Arcassin And I was wondering how a black male in america made it this far, Dear Zeus Please tell me what I've done wrong, And there ain't mountain high enough for journey's to start, there's not enough room in this soul to smile. I know what I've done and I'm not proud. Don't need luck. changes is a must. ***** your issues. Not in the mood to fuss. we all have weaknesses. and we're all not so strong. we all gotta fight. to capsulize the wrong, wrong. we can't pretend like nothing's going on, you wanna waste away , you wanna live your life, I swear material things mean more to you than the people that have your back in this life, I can't control. whatever it is you do. the guilt we try to hold. will only bury you. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
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49
Fleshy protuberances, To fill the void of virtues, Of the unvirtuous, And bloody-minded contentious. Voluptuous caverns, As substitutions for, A wealth of strength, Of personally refined law. Praying on others temptations; Using their weaknesses, Since ones’ own strengths, Leave only deficits. Passive aggression, Requires a little thought, Without any passion, On a plate, her demands are brought.
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May 8, 2016
May 8, 2016 at 2:44 PM UTC
Shannan
It's not learning to do without flour, Or to like new substitutions. It's steps on a road to be happier, To be healthier, To be you.
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Apr 2, 2025
Apr 2, 2025 at 10:05 AM UTC
Without Flour
Unsung heroes whom bare our scars   Substitutions to fight our wars   With strength and dignity that isn’t learned   To provide the freedom we didn’t earn   Like wounded victims upon their shoulder   Our weight they carry feels like a boulder   Yet in strength they stand to serve us all   So that we are not the ones to fall
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Nov 6, 2019
Nov 6, 2019 at 8:48 AM UTC
Veterans
Halfway through the year time crept Days seemed to flash like thunder each vanishing by to its paradise Sometimes I wonder about the days If they will reappear above the mirage far beyond the ever breathing skies above the unreachable starry skies above what is unfathomable and unattainable and if these days sat on a mountain? would it ever sink or be weighed down? submerging below the strata and volcanic tension aren’t we all stuck in a driven world where souls are trying, prying, crying each trying to find a place, some freedom a resolution above all the substitutions Yet as she sat at the fountains of love all she could find was second class crowns rusted copper coins sunk at the bottom and all their wishes echoed eons ago articulated with tainted rosy promises pardoned within a series of mysteries as if happenstance as delicacy was outpoured and as she sailed, willowing voices unfolded and all she could visualise was the future ahead
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Apr 6, 2019
Apr 6, 2019 at 7:10 AM UTC
Rusted copper coins
Wealthy people have a knack Of making contributions They don’t let trials get them down But focus on solutions So don’t let anger conquer you Or seek out retribution But seek to take the higher road And offer a solution Of several ways to undertake A problem’s diminution The best by far is simply choose A mindset of solution So cultivate this daily choice There are no substitutions To making it your daily goal To seek out good solutions
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Feb 28, 2020
Feb 28, 2020 at 8:54 AM UTC
Solutions (Prosperity Poem 67)
I catch whifs of you in between the lines of my DNA, tangled in everything I keep in the dark, tangled in the knots in my stomach, in all the white lies I tell. I slide my fingers against the edges of sharp things,  give myself lovely collections of papercuts and splinters for the fun of it, see if I bleed the same as before the alcohol weighed down my arteries and sunk into my brain; I am resting my arms at my sides now because they're too heavy to hold up, carrying all this lead around in my blood, my blood tells me go keep going, keep sinking all the way all the way down till I can't feel it anymore, keep colors plastered on my walls today because the gray keeps seeping and seeping and seeping, crawling back in around my fractured walls, back in around everything I try to preserve,  clinging to everything soft and poisoned and poisoned and black I always knew this house was filled with too many secrets to hold, but I never thought my time would be tallied up here the same way as everything else falling victim to the same plague that carries one old disease into the next, I think I'm treading on dangerous ground here, skin crawling in cheap substitutions for the chemicals my brain leaves convenient vacancies for, take me out of my skin once in a while, breathe me into your sandpaper-scraped palms and rough me up like the rest of you, rough me up till my tongue bleeds and my serotonin runs dry, I tell myself the quiet is a good place to be but honestly I ******* die without constant reminders that I'm okay I'm slowly cutting paper chains out of the leftover tissue clinging to my bones, maybe once I hang them up in here things won't look so sparse maybe we'll learn to breathe maybe your bones are too weak or mine are laced with the concrete of all these decisions, because the numbness dilutes the aching, catch me outside doing cartwheels, catch me outside in my bare feet, leaving trails for you to pick up on because maybe at the end of them I let it all go maybe my body wasn't built for breathing in this dust, my lungs aren't vacuum cleaners & my fingernails don't scrape away paint like they used to
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Jun 27, 2018
Jun 27, 2018 at 11:17 PM UTC
lungs
I catch whifs of you in between the lines of my DNA, tangled in everything I keep in the dark, tangled in the knots in my stomach, in all the white lies I tell. I slide my fingers against the edges of sharp things,  give myself lovely collections of papercuts and splinters for the fun of it, see if I bleed the same as before the alcohol weighed down my arteries and sunk into my brain; I am resting my arms at my sides now because they're too heavy to hold up, carrying all this lead around in my blood, my blood tells me go keep going, keep sinking all the way all the way down till I can't feel it anymore, keep colors plastered on my walls today because the gray keeps seeping and seeping and seeping, crawling back in around my fractured walls, back in around everything I try to preserve,  clinging to everything soft and poisoned and poisoned and black I always knew this house was filled with too many secrets to hold, but I never thought my time would be tallied up here the same way as everything else falling victim to the same plague that carries one old disease into the next, I think I'm treading on dangerous ground here, skin crawling in cheap substitutions for the chemicals my brain leaves convenient vacancies for, take me out of my skin once in a while, breathe me into your sandpaper-scraped palms and rough me up like the rest of you, rough me up till my tongue bleeds and my serotonin runs dry, I tell myself the quiet is a good place to be but honestly I ******* die without constant reminders that I'm okay I'm slowly cutting paper chains out of the leftover tissue clinging to my bones, maybe once I hang them up in here things won't look so sparse maybe we'll learn to breathe maybe your bones are too weak or mine are laced with the concrete of all these decisions, because the numbness dilutes the aching, catch me outside doing cartwheels, catch me outside in my bare feet, leaving trails for you to pick up on because maybe at the end of them I let it all go maybe my body wasn't built for breathing in this dust, my lungs aren't vacuum cleaners & my fingernails don't scrape away paint like they used to
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53
The day strangely culminates in German potato salad and trays of sliced meat on my Aunt MaryAnn’s dining table. A celebratory end to a hectic week, filled with what seem interminable discussions, plans, decisions. My father takes deliberate care to involve me in its events, in part for companionship and in part not knowing what else to do. So, there we sit in the overheated director’s office, weigh the pros and cons of viewing times. Meet with clergy, choirs and relation. Design order, odes and speeches. Evaluate various technical and stylistic advantages of wood versus metal. Apply for certificates and approvals from this office and that. Fill out forms and releases. Select a hairstyle and a dress. A shade of lipstick. Glasses or none. None. It’s a freezing February day. The wind bites; the snow is a dry powder blowing over rock hard ground. I sit on the stoop outside MaryAnn’s back door, a plate of uneaten food, trying to size up what we had done. All at once, it seems brutal. The series of banal choices that moments after they were made, mean less than the potatoes and onions in my lap. A purposeful, unavoidable, flurry of activity followed by nothing. Time passes and other lives intervene. All those boxes to tick and formalities to fulfill, their substitutions for thought and reason. A system well worn and little changed, with its own unbearable demand. But there was assurance, and if I am honest a little hope within it.
0
May 23, 2016
May 23, 2016 at 6:45 AM UTC
The Other Day