"downing" poems
my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 1:15 PM UTC
If Depression was a color,
It would be Black
As Black as a Midnight Sky.
If Depression was a taste
It would be just like Tears.
If Depression was a feeling
It would be as Bad as a Downing But Alive.
If Depression was a smell
It would be Like choking as a Puff of smoke.
If Depression was a sound,
It would be As slient as a The dead of night.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 1:25 PM UTC
Rust downing like bayed menstrual blood--
booming steel walls...a rattling sanitation truck.
Housewarming...'the rough beast' in
fetal orbit...nay-toothed in squalor.
Whose gummy roar shall presage the
audacity of all places, that call forth
houses!!!
Oct 9, 2012
Oct 9, 2012 at 12:10 AM UTC
I find it hard to accept
The reality of my situation
Sat here alone
Smoking **** &
Playing PlayStation
I try to stay hopeful
I want to live life to the full
Sat here alone
Downing ***** &
Red bull
Maybe it's my honesty
Maybe I have bad breath
Sat here alone
Watching **** &
Smoking crystal ****
If all of you could see
The person I used to be
The one not alone
The one without a brain injury
Now I'm an alien
A mind of science fiction
Or maybe I'm just a human
Who refuses to admit his
ADDICTION
Sep 6, 2018
Sep 6, 2018 at 4:13 PM UTC
I always been the type to put you first
Even if it seemed like you ain't deserve it
& I know that sometimes I made you hurt
But I swear I ain't do it on purpose
The problem was that you would hear me
But respond based on only what you were feeling
Which led to frustration that sparked the
Beginning of... the ending
(just hear me)
I never been the type to give all my love all my love
Last time I found love I lost my trust
In the heart of a battle I always won
(but, but) you know my dumb *** gave all my love
Knowin' that the outcome would probably just
Be the same old **** that it always was
& I fell so hard that I left my guard back where I first met her
Anything that was keepin me safe got lost when I read that letter
Its like I dove from a rock into a deep *** lake & my feet would touch the
The sand at the bottom ice cold
But im warm cause im next to the core that deep in love
Man I never know that lookin at the stars could be so ****** downing
Whys it so **** hard to move on from your past ****
& everything be all good some breaks up be easy man I think they all should
I said man I think they all should
Im like man I think they all should
Some breaks up be easy man I think they all should
**** it I just lost love
I will see you someday
I hope maybe one day
We can go back to the way
The way that it used to be
Nov 22, 2013
Nov 22, 2013 at 1:22 PM UTC
Laying on a bed of sand
Soft as feather downing
You take hold of my hand
I am floating, drowning
Feeling the blue salt fill me
Your breath kisses my eye
Taking me down to see
Where the turtles fly
Amongst rainbow coral
And fish, timid and shy
Hide amongst a skeletons hull
Gossamer clouds waft over
Driven by a sun tanned breeze
As we lay, cocooned in our ardour
Surrounded by quiet seas
I can feel the blue salt fill me
As your breath kisses my eye
And it’s taking me down to see
Where the turtles fly
Amongst the rainbow coral
And see the fish so shy
Hiding in a shipwrecked hull
Aug 22, 2018
Aug 22, 2018 at 6:18 PM UTC
i am downing drinks
like there is no tomorrow
hoping i don't wake
Apr 21, 2016
Apr 21, 2016 at 4:36 PM UTC
Whose women these are I think I know.
His housefly’s dead on the vignette though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his women pick snowdrops.
My little hornpipe is quite queer
He stops without a farce or sneer
Between the women with their frozen ‘la’s
The commonest everyman of the yawl.
He gives his harlot beldams his shaft
To assure they are his mistresses.
The only other soundtrack's the sweat
Of easy win from downing flagons.
The women are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promenades to keep,
And migraines to go before I sleep,
And migraines to go before I sleep.
Nov 4, 2012
Nov 4, 2012 at 9:54 PM UTC
"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
my plain clothes,
and even plainer face
"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
my lack of words
regarding frivolous topics
hair, make-up,
who's dating who
"she's a simple girl"
they say about me
judging me upon
the fact that i'd rather stay in
with a book curled up in bed
as opposed to a wild night out
downing glasses of God knows what
but would they invest the effort
and just a little bit of their time
to try and understand
the complexities of my mind
*the ideas
the perspectives,
the roads less traveled*
would they ask me what i am passionate about
they would receive not a few words
but uncountable volumes full of my greatest dreams
and most sacred desires
ask me what i love and i will tell you
about how deeply i care for the concept of community
humanitarianism, how my biggest dream
is to bring people together
if they saw the thoughts which keep me up all night
*how was i created? why was i created?
why me? why not?
my purpose and philosophy of life?
to be, or not to be?
who? what? where? why?*
if only they tried to look beyond the surface
and dive in deep
they would realize that i am no shallow pond
but a raging deep ocean
full of emotion and thought
belief, and purpose.
i am a simple girl when it comes to matters of materialism
i am a simple girl when it comes to speaking my mind
i am a simple girl when it comes to my lack of interest in manipulation, mind-games and gossip
i am a simple girl
until you stop judging me for what you see
&
begin understanding me for who i am
Oct 14, 2015
Oct 14, 2015 at 1:27 PM UTC
Throughout our childhood, our grandmother would turn to us,
in her yellow-lit kitchen, brandishing a rubber spatula or meat
tenderizer to warn us against falling to temptation. She’d witnessed
too many good people disappear into what she called
a consumption of the soul,
and as my cousins licked sugary batter off their spoons,
no one could have known that one day the candy-coating
would melt from their eyes to see their mother
for what she had done the last six years that now showed in her trembling hands, glossed vision, and a temperament that splashed into anger, flowed into melancholy as easily as she had found herself downing bleary bubbles at the brim of a precipiced fountain.
She was promised her very own message in a bottle, and this keep-sake
manifested in cousin Libby’s dreams, floating down a wine river
that gushed from the slashes in her mother’s wrists. Somehow I knew
these nightmares were born from warm and heady “sleep well”s
mumbled from across the darkest of rooms which held so many glass
ghouls with names and strengths so real, they even scared
my grandmother into silence as she stirred the pecan pie for Easter dinner. She offered to let me lick the spoon clean, but I simply
asked for straight sugar instead.
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 8:40 PM UTC
I'm downing
endless darkness above and below
I'm drowning
my body corrupted by the waves
I'm drowning
a puppet to the ocean deep
I'm drowning
amongst the wild of the sea
I'm drowning
water breeches my swollen lungs
I'm drowning
pain engulfs my whole
I'm drowning
just like any other day
I'm drowning
Aug 30, 2014
Aug 30, 2014 at 5:12 PM UTC
It's the music, the alcohol
it's my situation won't improve
it's vices
it's smoking bidis
it's coughing from addiction
it's having talent but no outlet
emotion without expression
it's wondering if it's depression
it's insecurity
it's am I happy
it's advice when only I am me
it's drinkin brew
things I thought i knew
downing downers to cheer me up
it's a powdered nose
secrets no one knows
gambling with tomorrow
it's waiting tables
it's sore shoulders
it's scowling behind a smile
it's lifting weights
it's bad first dates
limp from drinking from the bottle
it's my ex lady
it's lusting
it's wanting what's in the past
it's a broken car
it's public transit
it's fearing that I am them
it's lovers cheat
talk is cheap
promises wash off my bed sheets
it's my breaking point
this broken joint
trying to calm my loathing
it's the ecstasy
that only fixes me
for one pill at a time
it's the president
pay the rent
work and school until I'm spent
never sleep
no cash to eat
feed my heart
with dreams I never see
holding on and letting go
walking fast and running slow
out of place
out of patience
job ******* placement
alcohol and strippers ****
dignity and throwing fits
trying not to slit my wrist
when everything comes down to this
moment
and I miss
it's insanity
everything all around me
it's me
Apr 26, 2012
Apr 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM UTC
I was sitting in the chat, with big dumb Mike
he showed us his mask, it was a terrible site
Boston Chickie was quiet and subdued
, Shelby, Cindy, Katie, Rachel, kind of set the mood
Ciggy came into the chat with his well well well
And Steve replayed to Ciggy you look like you are from hell
Raven had beautiful eyes and lips of wonder
Wolf Bracker was downing the sauce like a pirate in plunder
Tucker zone he was there as well
and Romeo, Ken, Robert and Al we all came out of our shell
Nov 11, 2012
Nov 11, 2012 at 8:11 PM UTC
Do you really
Blowing smoke into my face
In my pocket a razor blade
I run my finger against it
Pick anything
Anything you want
Cough Syrup
Cigarettes
Liquor
As if you weren't white trash enough
Walk in
You are calm and no one cares
Pick anything
Anything and walk out
You own it
Some lie to themselves
Pseudophilisophical teenage masturbations
As if shoving a couple cold beers into your boxer shorts
And downing a bottle of robo in the toy section of wal-mart
*yeah bro, youv'e totally thrown a wrench into the gears of the corporate machine while we drink these cold cans of beer that were pressed against your *****
Marijuana
I wish I was alive for once
Then I wouldn't waste my time typing poems on my cellphone
While you finger your girlfriend on the couch
Sleeping on the floor is great for a while
You appreciate a safe place to sleep
Something different than the bus seats and train stations
I wish the universe didn't
Whose idea was this whole life thing anyway
Tomorrow you will wake up
And stealing DVDs from Best Buy will consume the day
I found a little bag of ****
And we are kings
Of a personnel universe
Your girlfriend
Is
eighteen
She still thinks I'm cool
Cause my General Education Diploma
I hate everything in my life
It's all breaking apart
The seams I have carefully sewn
I need to get out of here
I am tired of January
Appreciate each moment
Appreciate each moment
Because the tumor on my brain waits on nobody
I cant overcome the sense of meaninglessness
It's just the comedown
Xanax
Cigarettes 1:12 a.m
1:13 a.m
Follow my noble eightfold path to oblivion
#1 go **** yourself
Jan 5, 2013
Jan 5, 2013 at 1:19 AM UTC
for Mr.Cole's "Magic" assignment
The Magician
Moments of wonder
performed with theatrical pazaz
A prolonged instance of dumbstruck amazement
---
A slight of hand
or a glittery distracting explosion
creating a captivated audience screaming for *More!
More!
More!
Fool us again
Test our I.Qs
See if we're sane*
---
But to perform...
---
I need more money the magician boldly insists
Our hands ****** into our pockets, to our wrists
---
But wait...
Silence...
Then a collective gasp
There on the table under lock and clasp
---
All of our wallets
Plain to see
And the future money of each baby
---
Did we clap?
Oh, how we heartily clapped
And cheered and laughed like we were handicapped
---
Then the show stopped
But we still clapped, stamping our feet
As the Magician strode off stage back to 10 Downing Street
TA DAAA!
Aug 30, 2014
Aug 30, 2014 at 11:07 AM UTC
Take a moment,
breathe...
Inhale that infinity carrying all the words that we speak,
both the heavy rock steady deadly second darts
aiming for the bullseye painted on our hearts and
the artistic gypsy dancing ones
like honey whisky giving us a little buzz.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Exhale this surreal reality of fallacy
don't matter what's happening on Downing Street
or Pennsylvania Ave cause you have more important things to do,
like laugh as you let your mind crash
watching this game everybody's playing like Minecraft.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Exhale the clenching pain
your brain might claim you shoulda kept hold,
like the Buddha once said it's like grasping hot coal
so blow your dragon breath and stoke our campfire souls.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Inhale the light,
feel the warmth sojourn and wander
through your veins asunder tappin' 5/4 patterns
hi hat snappin rim clappin' rhythm
filling all schism within as if a liquid bridge joins sides of a grand canyon.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Exhale and feel the silence...
listen to the surrounding serenity
whispering aplenty serendipitous magnificence
within your heartbeats and breath bereft of distraction.
This sacred and holy action is a sacrament
as you attune into what's happenin both within, and beyond.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Inhale the heartgasm phantasmagorical adorable
world force of all things , the high vibe entirety
inspiring the fire within everyone,
that sacred holy light igniting the path to your heart
basking in ancient ******** laughter where nothing matters
and the mind chatter is silenced by the awe inducing lucid compassion
of all atoms in union of togetherness.
Take a moment,
breathe...
Exhale and follow your breath into the infinite.
Dec 26, 2015
Dec 26, 2015 at 1:58 PM UTC
Laws that get me in trouble.
Mostly for public intoxication
After wandering aimlessly down
Lost streets.
Love I never receive; or gift anyone with either.
Liquor that takes the pain away
If only temporary.
Love fades,
Feelings change,
And the hangover the next morning
Reminds me of why I hate myself
After downing my first shot of alcohol
The night before.
So I start drinking again for breakfast
And the next morning will play out the same.
Endless truths hide behind lies
And luck has never been something I’m good at.
Life is a game and I can’t ever seem to win,
I lost. I lose. I’m losing.
Over and over again
People call me a lowlife and say I’m going nowhere.
Liquor cures the lonesome for the night
And men tell me they love me.
I believe them.
I hate the word “love.”
Jan 12, 2014
Jan 12, 2014 at 10:34 PM UTC
Dining Hall
The day that Darwin dies
you call me at lunch
surrounded by raucous boys
who would ridicule your tears
Milk
You’re downing a glass
as I sip my wine
Separated by years
and words you don’t know
Our preference in beverage
is the space between us
The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack
Lullaby redhead croons my fingers bend three at a time choking out two-syllable death trap.
Constellating
Sandwiched between
fresh books
spines not yet cracked
Secretive soulmates
sharing espresso-scented
pecks on strawberry lips
Hush Hush
Hands that aren’t yours
hold back my hair
dampened
tears shed
over words you threw
shattering
showering me with shards
of the way you once felt
Day Long Marriage
Air-conditioned summers
bare skin on leather couches
your hand resting
on blue ruffled *******
Happy New Year
Crouching
behind closet doors
your voice
at once comfort and affront
I’ll forget the words you say
still clutching my phone
wishing it was you
The Other Emily
Purest form of you and me
Benadryl-induced delusions
refusing sleep
exhausted
warm and doe-eyed
in the glow of your fondness
Oct 16, 2012
Oct 16, 2012 at 12:37 PM UTC
My sunset begins as yours comes up
I sip my wine slowly, knowing you’re downing your whiskey at 6 in the morning
The tub of ice cream from last night has melted away
So why can’t you?
This city of lights blinds me, a nice distraction
But I have to run, I have to keep running
Because my demons have your beautiful smile
And I can’t help but stare with melancholy in my heart
My sleepless nights are invaded by your chocolate eyes and velvet lips
If I’m honest, that button on my phone taunts me
It begs me to call, send a text
But I don’t
I don’t and I won’t
You had let go first and danced our dance with your little noelle
O how jolly you must’ve been, staring into her starry eyes
So even if I miss you, I won’t
So I sip my wine slowly as you down your whiskey at 6 in the morning
These devils smile your smile and I look away
I move forward, melancholy and anger and hopefulness without you fuelling me
I hope you miss me as much as I do. But sometimes I don’t
Dec 3, 2020
Dec 3, 2020 at 8:34 AM UTC
I am the bobby pins and hair clips you find in corners of your room, on your dresser, or behind your bed.
I am the pictures on your wall that I made when I was once manic.
I am the crumbs you find in your bed that was once my “three or four nights a week bed” which I used as a table.
I am the cafe where we met, and kept meeting.
I am day drives to no where.
I am the Middletown train station before the movies.
I am the mint lotion that keeps the bugs away.
I am the notes I would leave you, that found their way on your wall.
I am the bandaids.
I am that strand of medium length brown hair you will find in your shower
I am that guy, from trivia at that other cafe, that I wanted us to be friends with.
I am the hands that would unlock your locked pointer finger.
I am that key on your key chain.
I am the leftover tea that is always too hot for me to drink, and is left near your bed.
I am ice cream with CHERRIES, and edamame.
I am the sheets on your bed.
I am the downing film theater when you needed to feel better.
I am New Jersey.
I am the reason Netflix recommends Independent dramas with strong female lead. I am the netflix.
I am the stain on your mattress.
I am the drool on your pillow.
I am the sugar in your cabinet above your roomates whiskey.
I am all of the groceries and dates I paid for.
I am all those pictures of me on your phone which made their way to your computer.
I am the light wash boyfriend jeans.
I am that bottle of wine that sits with all other bottles, that you see when you walk out of your room and into the kitchen, and out the door.
I am the reason you once felt content.
I am the reason the corkscrew sits on that stool.
I am the reason why your toothbrush is wet, before you use it.
I am the two red sharpie marks left on those sheets that I got us.
I am mexico. The trip to mexico that could have almost seemed doable.
I am the sent of oils which remind you of hippies.
I am the shoes left at your door, or the teavana jug of tea in the kitchen right now.
I am the fourth of July. I am that pool we never swim in. I am the projected films on the fence.
I am the talker, the thought keeper, the fighter, the writer.
I am Sensual Amber
I am UBE
I am my legs on the wall when I dry them.
I am the tiny pills on your dresser.
I am just someone your next girlfriend will be better than.
I am the bobby pins.
Jul 17, 2013
Jul 17, 2013 at 3:53 PM UTC
maybe i leave it all till the last minute because some gritty part of me loves the rapid pulse of pulling back right before the truck turns the corner and blows through the stretch of hot asphalt i was just lying down and burning my skin on. it tears down the road, out of sight, and i’ve still got all my limbs intact. maybe almost failing feels a bit like cheating death, like how breathing feels after a contest of who can hold it longer in the motel pool, or how good a glass of ice-cold water tastes after downing a bag of potato chips. there are plenty of hours in the day. i could wake up at six or sleep in till noon and it wouldn’t make much of a difference. i’m just a girl who loves the taste of scraping by.
Mar 27, 2021
Mar 27, 2021 at 8:41 AM UTC
Secret Agent Orange!
Secret Agent Orange!
oh a gaseous concoction
designed for mental blockin!
the voices of those men beside me
that died are bothering me constantly
they keep on screaming why didn't I save them
they'll keep haunting ME until I'm in my grave but
Secret Agent Orange!
Secret Agent Orange!
oh a gaseous concoction
designed for mental blockin!
I keep hearing this odd ticking noise
but no one else seems to hear it
it's not a child playing with a toy
I can't put my finger near it
Secret Agent Orange!
Secret Agent Orange!
oh a gaseous concoction
designed for mental blockin!
I keep downing pills to end the pain
I keep dodging bullets disguised as rain
I think I've finally snapped of course
thanks to secret agent Orange
Secret Agent Orange!
Secret Agent Orange!
oh a gaseous concoction
designed for mental blockin!
Jun 7, 2015
Jun 7, 2015 at 2:50 PM UTC
When the hard cider is all gone
and the pabst is all stale
and the ***** makes you gag
and the drug testing doesn't let you smoke ****
what do you do?
You have a ******* good time
with some great people
and you pack bowls for them
and roll joints for them
and hate the frat boys with them.
You laugh at the funny jokes
and duck call at the bad ones.
You smoke too many cigarettes
and give away your only lighter.
You fall asleep with one of them in your arms.
But don't worry, next weekend it will be someone else.
This time it was a tenacious blonde who's taking you to prom.
Next week it might be the lovely red head who wears his heart on his sleave
or it may be the funny Jewish kid who plays beer pong by himself.
Maybe it'll be the girl who shows up when all the ***** is gone
and sits next to you and lets you hold her close.
But never by yourself,
they're all to lovely to let that happen.
A few days from then you'll go on a walk and bring a few cigarettes and a book
but the cigarettes remind you of them and the book reminds you of her
so you leave Leaves of Grass in the grass and smoke the cigarettes
thinking of the Before.
thinking of the Then.
Not worrying about the Now
and forgetting the When.
You sleep like a baby,
in the sense that you wake up every few hours and struggle to fall asleep without your mother's breathing to sing a lullaby.
She's outside,
falling in to old habits,
throwing two years into a bottle and downing it.
She's smoking her last cigarette so she sneaks into your room careful not to wake your seemingly sleeping Self and digs in your backpack until she finds your cigarettes.
In the morning she will magically have those two years back
and she will have forgotten those cigarettes she took from you.
But you'll throw her empty bottles away before your sister can find them and Understand.
And she won't lend you that twenty bucks she said she would because she spent it on two bottles of Jägermeister.
And the girl who lives down the street knows none of this because to her it's not real.
She only knows that your mother has a two year NA chip
and she only knows that you used to Hate yourself.
She knows that you like her
and she thinks she likes you.
And she lets you put your arm around her
and she snaps at Satan with you.
And you love the lovely red head and you hope he reads this
and is happy because he is in one of your ramblings.
just as your heart smiles
when you find yourself in one of his.
however more poetic and sensitive and lovely they are.
May 1, 2013
May 1, 2013 at 12:17 AM UTC
Please break my heart
So I don't have to break yours
I'd rather feel all that pain
Than be the one to make you endure
Please break my heart
So I can leave yours intact
I'd rather be haunted
Than have to hear you react
Please break my heart
So I can live with my decision
I'd rather lose all my tears
Than have tears disrupt your vision
Please break my heart
So I'm not the one serving time
Id rather feel completely caged
Than be the one to commit this crime
Please break my heart
So I can make sure you're OK
I'd rather lose my voice
Than listen to all you might say
This request might seem odd
I ask for you to do the downing
But if we're both stuck in this storm together
I'd rather be the one drowning
Apr 23, 2025
Apr 23, 2025 at 11:05 PM UTC