"disfunction" poems
Golden hour daughter
Splitting eyes gouging light—
Harboring disfunction, not
Finding sensory stimulation
Beyond illusion— overactive/>
Am I a life force,
Or a chair for it to sit?
Stitching pixels to form—
A drive to keep an open
Ripped rib wind— about
My drouth stomach,
Itching, salivating…
Apr 11, 2016
Apr 11, 2016 at 11:25 AM UTC
in 2012 i experienced an incident with a rifle. my friend spinned it around and hit me in the face. the hit was hard enough to break my nose and make me fly backwards and land on the back of my head.
after that i started having seizures. cluster seizures which mean seizures back to back. they have to be stopped by iv or i can go into status epilepticus meaning continued or back to back seizures that can **** people. there have been several times where my heart has stopped or i stopped breathing from it. its hard to live with. soooo many pills, and doctors, specialists to help diagnose me. just about a month ago i was diagnosed with tbi (traumatic brain injury) before i was diagnosed i was so upset with everything. my health my relationship, my family problems. it just piled up so i decided to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. i no longer can do that because the last time i did i woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. i have right hemisphere disfunction and it effects my motor skills, speech, memory, decision making, confusion, and at this point the doctors say that my memory and confusion is dementia. sometimes i try to tell myself i don't need help, im fine, i don't need anyone, or that the doctors made a mistake. but they didn't and that was proven to me today when i saw my eeg, and mri. i have built up white matter in my brain. and it only gets worse . i can never regain anything ive lost but i can learn how deal with it and move on from now. i can never be independent in the part of just living alone. i would like to marry the man of my dreams but i don't think i want to put him through all of this. he would have to take care of me when i get sick, and i get sick often due to my weak immune system. one hit in the face and my whole body went out of whack. we also recently discovered that i have a bundle branch block in my heart which means it is a condition in which there's a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. i have a dog that can smell my auras which are mild seizures like warnings that a big one will come. but he can only do so much . squeeze under my head and bark for help.
Dec 7, 2014
Dec 7, 2014 at 10:31 PM UTC
the vastness of an empty soul
demystifies the Grand Canyon
and shrinks the universe
to microscopic molecules
barely able to manipulate energy
matter that doesn’t matter
madder than a hare in March
balance skewed
undue pressure
seasonal disfunction disorder
ordering medication
naturalization
seeking citizenship
in an isolation township
serving only self-pity
to the self-destructive –
squatting, gargoyle
surveyor on the job
soaking in the loathing
basking in the glow
caused by the discontent of others
opioid android locked in the void
unemployed
laughing at misery
in mercy centers
meticulously mimicking the miscreants
impersonating pain
seeking to blend –
ostracized miser in designer jeans
obscene in drag queen regalia
“whiskers from under his pancake make-up”
wake-up Godiva, locate the paraphernalia
mammalian musculature
hide the heart of a snake
as she slithers across the floor
searching for the perfect surfactant
….her scaly skin itches, uncomfortably
tearing my lip skin
in the din
of her poorly lit closet –
together in terror, the admission seems worth the cost
lost in the sweet melody
of sobbing children
and clattering dishes
shattered visions
misgivings
estrangement entangled with commitment
obligations
oblivion and orange peals
appealing to a higher power
unanswered questions hover inconsequential
adding to the ozone depletion
and altered climate
owning blame
for all the world and her problems
I sit with shoulders slumped –
Jun 24, 2014
Jun 24, 2014 at 12:23 PM UTC
it was not so clear, the day. it was hostile and tranquil.
what sort of Day is That ?
I think it sparkles.
But it's gem is mean, beneath carbuncles -
and none shall pass
without wretched disfunction.
without Unpeace swilling the liqueur
of dark sweets.
it was not so clear, the day. but it clarified the manacles.
what sort of Day is that Dark ???
I think it hardens the heart of all kindness....
but it's dream is obscene, and needs the rest of Heaven's Council.
But Love's an ***
that saw the Angel... not the bulletproof glass.
just the the angle of Descent
and the " No Wisdom ".
it hurts Because.
You Live
for no reason at all
and that's the worst
Joy.
Because.
Oct 10, 2013
Oct 10, 2013 at 2:41 PM UTC
This coffee-stained late night existence, an experiment
in progressive technocracy. An amazing, affluent proverb
of modern disfunction. So many late nights swilling the
mis-brewed staple of societal vampirism. Those forgone,
unsung antithesis of the conscious, diurnal homosapien.
To pretend problems non-existent, to daydream as that lazy
star sleeps, to truly feel sibling to the moon. Mood is the
monster that begat me, these creatures of the ambience of
dark. Nowhere - NOW. I give thanks to have finally hidden
from the beast that can't find me. I am what I decide, a dawn
of infinite potential, and the opportunity to spend an entire
night in preparation....
Dec 6, 2012
Dec 6, 2012 at 6:03 AM UTC
Sometimes I sit and wonder why
At certain points I cannot cry
Like the time great-grandma died
I just could not, I tried and tried
Hers, the life, they did take
The six foot hole they did make
You'd think my soul, it would shake
There's something wrong, did I break?
Sep 27, 2013
Sep 27, 2013 at 11:58 AM UTC
a girl so clever, prideful, a ego so large to fool you into thinking you were at fault and undeserving, the one mistreating her.
She'd have in the corner as she told you your feelings and how you were to be, and all you wanted was more.
Blind to the fact she was drowning you with her presence, walking you to deep waters of sadness, and twisted truths.
She smashes souls and closes the door without a mere glance back, to bait another into the fog of disfunction
Sadly she had my heart completely, she opened it, filled like never before and crushed it because she could in a matter of years
Hearts mend, but the scars are permanent
Sep 8, 2019
Sep 8, 2019 at 5:16 AM UTC
Fly me
Freakin'
Throw me into the sky
Let me drift on the winds
Like a lofty kite
Dr. Do-No-Wrong
Stop touching my inappropriates
I'm sick of the Ferry
The rocking of the boat
Makes the water seems soothing
Explosions?
Destruction
Fallacy
Erectile disfunction
Welcome to
Unsatisfactory
Dec 7, 2012
Dec 7, 2012 at 8:19 PM UTC
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way" -Pablo Neruda
Just as the final dispute had concluded, the forbidden phrase
was spoken. It was mutual, however, for it was known that
disfunction and chaos only led to destruction and confusion. It
was a misfortune, that the joy and laughter that at one point
could shake walls had deteriorated. Although, through the eyes
of fellows, the parting of ways was viewed as a kindness.
*excerpt from Sonnet XVII
Aug 27, 2012
Aug 27, 2012 at 5:22 PM UTC
I'm forgetting how to speak
So all my words are bleeding out my eyes
Oct 13, 2014
Oct 13, 2014 at 9:04 PM UTC
(please come to order)
i'm over here BAFFLED
by the righteous
surprise of women
and poorly portrayed
shock of the gents
over the downfall
of men.
have we all been
inhabiting the same
country | culture | school | work |church| family
?
stop being foolish
and stand before the judge.
you teach your children
nothing of
*** | gender | relationships
and then are surprised by the disfunction
and shame coming to light.
we don't educate our children
with facts
so they don't know how their bodies work
and don't understand
the nuance of relationships.
girls should act like ladies
and boys shouldn't cry.
girls, be quiet and never cause a fuss.
*boys, grab the world by the ***** it's yours.*
and now you gasp
in surprise at the results?
please.
you hide knowledge and
options from girls
then condemn their poverty
condemn their parenting
and now wonder
where it all went wrong?
teach them to never walk alone, anywhere, EVER.
hold your keys in-between your fingers
tear out eyeballs and other *****
if you must.
maybe none of the men know
we are taught this as children?
that our entire lives revolve around
keeping ourselves safe from men.
and it is ALL our responsibility.
no matter what happens or doesn't happen,
it is somehow always a woman's fault.
fed a false narrative of the stranger
when most of the time,
is the known man
that causes the most damage.
that flies lowest under
the radar.
that has power
and influence
and the ability to hide.
but don't provoke the poor boys.
under no circumstances allow
your body to be seen,
but also don't be too covered up
(because then how will you get a man?)
jesus, guys, get with it.
[don't be sensitive]
what's an *** slap here or there by an utter stranger?
what's the big deal when a dear friend
suddenly lunges at you and grabs your **** during a normal conversation?
what's a little verbal harassment, he's old, it was normal then?
a strange call into the office?
a hand up your skirt?
it's just boys being boys.
it's time to stop this.
it's time to stop feigning ignorance.
you are responsible for this.
full stop.
just like i am.
but my silence ends today.
and i will not contribute to
a society or culture
that devalues women
for the sake of the
male ego.
stop acting surprised by men
behaving without integrity.
by criminals
and predators.
and for FUCK'S SAKE
stop | electing | them
Nov 29, 2017
Nov 29, 2017 at 9:20 PM UTC
smoker's cough
cough syrup
syrup on pancakes
pancakes flat on the road
road signs
sign language
language is power
power-puff girl
girl with a flat chest
chest full of secrets
secrets of lovers
lovers kissing
kissing goodbye
goodbye for now
now or never
never leave
leave me alone
alone on a sunday night
night whispers
whispers like autumn
autumn weather
weather for sweaters
sweaters unraveling
unraveling thoughts
thoughts on peace
peace and quiet
quiet down
down the rabbit hole
hole in my head
head of the household
household of disfunction
disfunction in my brain
brain dead
dead serious
serious situations
situations avoided
avoided my problems
problems with me
me and you
you are nothing
nothing much
much different
different sides of the world
world keeps spinning
spinning like a record
record speed
speed dating
dating yesterday
yesterday is gone
gone with the wind
wind on my skin
skin deep
deep water
water bed
bed of flowers
flowers in my hair
hair so brown
brown like mud
mud pie
pie filled with cherry
cherry red
red blood
blood oath
oath by the river
river fishes
fishes swimming
swimming in tanks
tanks in the desert
desert people
people without purpose
purpose
purposefully making up my mind
mind your mother
mother knows best
best man
manly faces
faces i can't remember
remember this?
this is where i say no
no thanks
thanks for the memories
memories erased
erased the words
words caught in my throat
throat full of tears
tears on my cheeks
cheeks of ruby red hue
hue of blue
blue
blue
blue skies
skies are falling
falling in love
love you more
more than you ever loved me
Oct 11, 2016
Oct 11, 2016 at 1:23 PM UTC
I am running through a field that seems oddly familiar,
It is a ***** feeling,
I am experiencing things I have already done.
I am seeing you.
I am seeing you in your past, before me.
I see the white lies you told me about her, come uncovered.
I am angry, furious, screaming, but silent.
My mouth is open and tears are running down my cheeks but I am still silent.
I cannot handle you and your "innocent" past that is a fib between your cheating teeth.
I am grinding my teeth as I turn my hands purple from the fists they have turned into,
You are destroying me in every way and you can't notice it.
I am screaming, but I will always be silent.
Mar 13, 2016
Mar 13, 2016 at 11:16 PM UTC
.
The vessel was empty. It was always empty.
The vessel was a body. A Nobody.
Too young to fend for itself yet abandoned to face
the onslaught of a life unprepared for.
It was a satellite, a burden, an unwanted encumbrance
upon the lives of those that spawned it.
Those that should guide, educate, encourage and love.
The emptiness had begun early
and grown into a void of isolated disfunction.
The ship of emotion sailing into a dark sunset
and the cold loneliness of night seeps easy
into the vessel already devoid and senseless.
There had been early years but forgotten
were the vessels memories and experiences.
An era of ancient history with no notations,
undocumented and lost in the ether.
No sense of belonging or conformity
were instilled by those meant to teach.
Instead the blind vessel gropes dangerously
around a world unfamiliar.
To make sense of existence.
To justify its worth.
But worth is subjective.
Of no worth to its peers it protects itself
absorbing the cloak of the worthless.
A litany harshly reinforced by cruelty
dealt out by the tongues of resentful tormentors.
And so left to its own devices
attachment becomes an arbitrary concept.
The revolving door of brief and useless association.
Meaningful liaisons few and far between
as its walls provide protection from feeling hurt.
So the vessel was a body. A Nobody.
And the vessel was empty. It was always empty.
Always... always... empty.
© Pagan Paul (Aug 2020)
Sep 3, 2020
Sep 3, 2020 at 3:23 PM UTC
Our cluster of disfunction consists of
wake up and miss you
get up and text you saying i ****** it up again
Understand that in order to make up
means you can't **** it up
and then you realize that you are being held
to certain expectations.
This is were we crumble
wake up dread you
get up ignore your texts asking how i am
Understand that if i ignore anymore of your texts
this will be over and our nights of quoting jack johnson
and eating red gummy bears cause your ******
and me eating green ones just because they taste like fruit
will
be
over.
And every god **** time,
i give it up.
I willingly sacrifice my wits to over thinking
to the little things that make my brain turn and turn and turn
and let them spin and spin and eventually explode.
And then i tell you.
I never lie even though you think i do.
i promise you on my dead dogs grave
i never stopped loving you
i just can't put myself in a situation
like so many times before i am nailed to a stake that has all the things
people expect from me taped to my vulnerable body
and i never stopped loving you
but see i never started loving myself
so the trust you have so kindly filled me up with
just drains out because i have holes in my feet
where the faith seeps out and fans out into a pool similar to blood all around me.
And now we start again.
Wake up and miss you
though this time i don't have the luxury of talking to you because you hate me more than i hate myself.
Oct 29, 2013
Oct 29, 2013 at 9:00 PM UTC
The world doesn’t know how much it needs
me how much it would miss
me how much it depends on my
little choices
my small voices drowning
out the others and nudging
me to stay away.
The world doesn’t know how much
we depend on a little lack of leadership.
How much more devastated the world would
be with a little more co-ordinated lawlessness.
Little do they appreciate me,
appreciate that random acts of disfunction
are preferable by far
than my hordes of regimented devastation.
The world doesn’t know how much it needs
me to stay here
and not get involved.
The world doesn’t know how much
it needs me.
Aug 21, 2021
Aug 21, 2021 at 3:35 PM UTC
I wanted to be her
I envied your dedication
The two of you so compatible
Yet we're simply complex
I will never be the stream running through those veins
The rhythmic beat of a heart that forces a smile of perfection across your face
I wonder do I make you as happy as the one who breeds your kin
A sad disfunction
A game I'm a afraid I will never win
I want to feel the beat of your heart flow through my vains
Then maybe just maybe it will be the music in my ear that gives comfort when it rains
I wanted to be her
A pattern in your soul
A continious reminder that we too could get through the bad days
I wanted to be her
But I realized my aspiration were simply too high
Nov 29, 2015
Nov 29, 2015 at 3:26 PM UTC
I'm a selfish little school girl
Who doesn't know the cost
And I wish that I was broken
I wish that I was lost
Jan 20, 2013
Jan 20, 2013 at 6:16 PM UTC
Here you are calling again
Or is it your ghost,
commanding the wind?
Let me down easy.
I don't want to boil over
and burn your skin.
I dream of pleasing you
then wake up again
Knowing it's hopeless
A battle I won't win,
You bring out your big gun
To shoot me down again.
You pull the trigger but no one scores.
Perhaps you need a new weapon of choice?
To control the me that has no voice.
It was just the one time I lost my way.
I got lost in your maze.
Now I'm stuck there it seems
No way out
Except in my dreams
Jun 28, 2017
Jun 28, 2017 at 6:36 AM UTC
Two old men in my magi class, were
walking in a public garden, during the scare in the air,
they touch at few common points, five years experience
more or less, in any given field of function,
they share in broad bubbles of common comps, experience wise.
One marriage... both have had one, not the same one
Exposure to radio music and commentary from birth... not the same music,
not the same commentary
Aware of war roles and support roles, from first words onward, aware of being
one of a we, who are the children of the winners,
except, the enemy remains, they shoulda stomped Stailin into Hell,
ever'body knew, we did, too... though
my 1948 vintage, was leavened with Hiroshima, in vitro, and
in seed, touched a bit by events near Alamogordo, where my daddy
participated in war ending events, this other old dude, he never saw that way,
what I mention seeing, today.
Hell is for heros. I think aloud.
My dad was an accountant, with a night school degree, four kids,
woulda been five, but Peggy died,
infant cancer,
some anomoly in the wind, was the rumor, where we lived,
south of the Nevada desert through which our
northern breezes list, licking up dust devils to twist novel
substance into threads of thought to think in time,
as the virus spreads, peace takes its chance, right on or
dead on, dead center, spot on, too right, smack
dab
hit it, and the skier rises from the vortex, towed by that line
linking me to the countenance, encountered, mirror neuron
tronic magi-missed spells, dangling
mod
if I were yous used as iusta use pennies behind fuses,
I owe you, nothing, but to define my terms, ere I dare con
verse
with you. Okeh?
Same page, two old men walking along, talking often,
one to the other, one to himself, each knowing himself,
each wondering the other saw what each noticed,
with a nod, saying, yeah, I was thinking you mighta noticed that.
Life's fun. But near the end, it becomes so believable, that it works,
despite our own seeming disfunction.
Apr 17, 2020
Apr 17, 2020 at 3:03 PM UTC
There is thirst that I see in everyone eyes. There is lust on everyone's mind; They say. People who come here have a complex personality, I revolt. People thought It's the money these lustful men speaking.
Who cares about the world I thought. Do I even have something to lose, I checked my purse.
My purse was empty in terms of money, My respect was on the ground, already in the society.
What is my profession they asked? I simply, smiled and showed them my heart. I spread love. This is all I do, people call it prostitution but I call it nurturing the truth.
It's not necessary that your love stays with you all the time. Sometimes people just need someone to talk and listen to them. They need affection to help them to remove self doubts. Nurture them to make them and motivate to love themselves in and out.
*********** is just a part of an act, The emotional disfunction therapy is my queen of the chess.
May 30, 2018
May 30, 2018 at 6:27 PM UTC
Covered up in Fashion
With Love and Compassion
And a heaviness that weighs from deep within
A heavy sigh releases
And breaks up into pieces
Sulking and withering away
A tear falls from high in heaven
From one of my close brethren
And shocks all with looks of Dismay
A fool who’s dim witted
And Heavily committed
That has proof that we’re not all here to stay
Following the Procession
It comes to my attention
There doesn’t seem to be any other way
It’s how we choose to grieve
The tangled web we weave
That leads to our demise and disfunction
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 5:24 PM UTC
Afraid of what I think is there
Feeling suffocated by air
Acting out when things don't feel right
This is my fight or flight
Losing control
Grasping whatever I can
I hate this was caused
Just by one man
Unexpected reactions
Full circle disfunction
Stop the cycle please
PTSD
Jul 3, 2018
Jul 3, 2018 at 5:19 PM UTC
*Click click goes the clique , smiting with rhyme , explaining their writes , begging for likes , appearing quite trite , disrupting poetic vibe with all their might
A dis' to the calculating , hypographically -
challenged who sow disfunction for lack -
of inspiration* ....
Jul 14, 2016
Jul 14, 2016 at 5:26 PM UTC
A sharp pang
A silent ring
Drifting from the corners of my most precious
Repression
Darting through my body in a lingering scent
That turned my heart to lead
And yanked it to the pitfalls
The brick wall of
You
And the peripheral edges I kept
Side eyes and swept
To try to reconjure the pain
Instead of your name
A free radical in my brain
Slamming my skull in remorse and disdain
******** retrospective idealism”
I took to my fate
Satisfied the craving
In simplicity
Typically
Unbeknownst to me
And instead of refuge
I Found beaded lights in complex plight
Forced to see the stream of me
Where I usually go to break free
From you and me, an unrealistic dream
And now my solace is littered with us
I spent too long on those words
That were gathering dust
Under lock and key in my healing cortex
Cerebral disfunction in seven letter text
Over and over and over I read
Instead of release the destruction increased and I began to bleed, barriers broke with ease
A flood of contrition, prohibited paths
Thinking in numbers, extirpate my crass
Denial that I cared that you clipped your nails
No talons to scratch me, pleasure to veil
Wait til I’m gone to ease that small pain
Convert to embitterment
To not admit that I miss your name
In similar, small, ignite on my screen
I never wanted mean
And never wanted to leave
And I sat in silence
Re read and re fed
Vitality with your words
And Pretended you still meant
Them
Feb 7, 2020
Feb 7, 2020 at 2:12 PM UTC