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i was sitting here
searching for how to
do something mundane.
worklike.
syncing accounts.
trying to find passwords.
downloading data.

i sprinkled eucalyptus around
earlier to try
to make myself feel better.

i lit a candle and everything and
even pretend made my bed.
cranked the air conditioning.
so i could cool off.
and calm down.
and r e s t.

i took 2 dove milk chocolates
and ice cold water to my room.
i just wanted to watch
Stargate Atlantis
and go to sleep.

lazily mining for data
half paying attention
and suddenly an
  intergalactic time portal
opened up before my eyes.
and boom.
(i'm here again)
in this place
of so much
l o v e
my heart pounding
as if no time has gone by.
as if you had just come around
the corner and i see your face
again for the
first time.

literally tachycardia
a loss of all logic
a stupid, stupid grin
my body shaking
in anticipation
of hearing your voice.

by accident.
gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte
                and year, after year, after y e a r
and no matter which
one i choose,

i find pieces of you.
    funny little pieces.
        big, honest pieces.
secret pieces.
my pieces.

tears are streaming
d o w n my face
but i don't care
because it is the only
time i can remember
what it was like.

to be a different person.
in a different time.
to overlap with you.

every click
and swipe
songs
artworks
words
photos
texts

the reaching and
the r e t r e a t i n g.
     the coming together and
the sudden
   f
     a ll
in g
a p
art

all neatly in chronological
order like i'm
reading my own story.
but seeing it from
the outside.
the entire picture.
and i can see
where i was wrong
   i n t e n s e
younger
and stupider
and flailing.

but i have always seen you.
     always from the
           very first moment.
you were like an assault
  but in a cosmic sense.
and at the same time
a peaceful, serene, beautiful,
rare combination of atoms and ****.

and i don't think something like that
   could ever happen again.
i can't even imagine it,
   and imagining is the
only thing i'm good at.

curse the interwebs,
saving all this ****
i didn't even realize.
and thought was lost.

but also thank you,
google overlord.

i think it's ok to cry
  about loving someone,
and missing someone
so so so so much.

because nothing matters more
  than being honest
about your love.

and then i looked out
my window in despair
and i saw
a crescent moon.
there are all these
people
just going around
passing through
my life
thinking they are
n o t h i n g
   or maybe fleeting
or forgotten
when they have
no idea
that they
are life itself,
and to me
are each
so unfathomably unique
and beautiful,
that the mere
thought of them
sustains me.
and when
i think of you.
never on purpose,
and always a mistake,
i want to burn the world to the ground.
it always hits me
unexpectedly
always a
w a v e
that washes over me
and i let myself
peek inside
your box
in my
mind.
a light
   [a sound]
and i close my eyes and smile
and the tears come
and i have to feel it
because it is all i can do.
and i don't want
to forget.
so i let you
   e
     b
       b
    and f l o w
and i cry and i smile.
and then
try
to close the box
once again.
(but not too tight.)
a m a n d a May 19
there are many things
i do not know
even after
40 years and i tell you
i haven’t stopped
this searching
since first i awoke
to the world
always so concerned
so amused
so incredibly internal
to a degree i cannot
describe or fathom
i only wanted
to love
and to help
and to create
and instead
the earth opened
and i fell
to another
place.
a m a n d a Apr 15
tbd
when will i
be held to account
for these quarantine sins?
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