The air flows through my AC unit noisily
I stare at the ceiling thinking about my life,

What I could be

Laying in bed so often makes me feel worthless
As if getting enough sleep is lazy,

I just need rest

My mind is my enemy, every-time I find peace
It forces me to relive my regrets,

I wish I knew how to make the voices cease

I was taught to be overly critical of myself
And I’m having a hard time unlearning,

Reliving memories I had put on a shelf

I’m trying my best but it’s so tiring
How can I escape the constant spiraling?

Learning to love myself as I am
Is harder than I thought,

When will I begin to understand?

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

Lemon boy smiles
I don’t dream anymore
But if I did I know you’d be there
You broke through my walls
I hope you know
I’m yours
Are you mine?

The soft willow tree
swayed in the wind
and breathed with the sea

It’s branches became twisted
more rigid and splintered
It’s breath more ragged

It’s roots stopped growing
The trunk turned dark
leaves fell one by one until nothing was left

Dried out standing alone
It began to rot

No one likes a rotted tree

No one likes a lost soul

A smaller tree sprouted in a new place
Near the ocean

It didn’t sway as softly
Or breathe with the sea
But
it
never
let
itself
rot

Sometimes I hide away from my reality

I wander off into smoke filled rooms and fall into blue screens

I sleep under warm clouds that threaten to smother me

My cheeks flush

I live inside my made up world to escape what I cannot face

I lie in a bed of guilt and despair for days on end

Unable to move
Unable to feel

I lose myself in this suffocating realm
I lose all signs of life

Until I can barely breathe.






Sometimes I escape just for some air

But I found that oxygen runs through my heart, not the wind



I came back to hide again

But this time couldn’t stay

For my smoke filled rooms were full of toxic gas
And the blinding blue hurt my eyes

My clouds suddenly felt weighted
suffocating me in a sick warmth


I guess my hidden world wasn’t made for me
But for my younger self



Unable to comprehend their surroundings
Unable to process



Now I leave it behind and step into today




Breathing in the achingly beautiful

And learning how to feel.

Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old

Your beautiful brown eyes full of sorrow
it feels wrong to see them so sad.
Your head is cloudy full of familiar thoughts
judging each misstep.
You see yourself as a failure
A boy who couldn’t measure up.
You tell me how you hate yourself
how you wish you didn’t exist.
Your critical mind may only see your failures
But I try and remind you of your success’
I see you for who you are
Full of love and laughter
All you want is to make the world smile
I just wish it would smile back
You care so much for everyone else
That you forget yourself
Perhaps that’s why you find it hard to love
When you look into the mirror?
You’ve come so far and worked so hard
So why do you let yourself think all these negative things?
To me, you are kind, thoughtful, caring, smart, hardworking, loving, handsome, and my favorite person. I hope one day you can see me as I see you. You are so perfect to me.

She was so young
And then she was not
He left with no shame
And she was named a *****

Your sweatshirt smells of smoke and laundry detergent, just like you

With you I share my faults

I whisper stories of who I once was.

I close my eyes while I reveal my weaknesses, hoping you don’t leave.

I speak the thoughts that have gathered dust in my head.

Each word that falls from my lips
more anxious than the last.

Your arms pull me close so I know I’m safe

You listen.

Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead

Mother

Why did you let us go home to him


Why did your world not stop when I told you


I am so full of your love

But at night I wonder if your negligence discounted it

I know your mind is like mine, scattered and foggy

I know you were lost too

But I needed someone to get help

And I asked you.

A little beauty goes a long way
Especially in the beginning of a new day

I stretch and climb right out of bed
Only to find a mess upon my head

I turn to find your greeting
Your eyes meet mine and a thought occurs
If only fleeting..

The birds begin to sing
As the sun peeks through our window

“Let’s go back to bed” I say.
You stay underneath the covers and respond, “Okay.”

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I am still so young.

I love him right now,

But will I forever?

What if time goes by
and I can’t remember
the love he gave me
the joy I felt

What if he moves for me
only to regret his decision

What if I don’t want him around one day
but I’ve already committed?

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I have so much life left to live.

I like it with you
but what if one day I don’t
I can’t see the future
but I hope that I won’t

I hope for a perfect life with you

but perfection is implausible

rushing feels illogical

but if I do not decide eventually

we may be separated eternally


I hope one day I can know

How to recognize my soulmate

How to make the decision

to change my fate.

I get it now

502 Bad Gateway

what a rather disappointing thing to say

I hope it goes away...

You would not even exist without women

How dare you try to claim them

How dare you try to own their bodies
To control their wombs

How dare you disrespect the mother that gave you life

How dare you hate us when we created you

At twenty one years old I still feel like a child
I wonder when I will have it all figured out

At twenty one years old my hair is growing out in an awkward style and my body has become something foreign to me

At twenty one years old I look in the mirror and wonder where the self I knew went and if they are still there

At twenty one years old I wear glasses and brush my hands through my hair

At twenty one years old I started noticing the stretch marks that decorate my thighs

At twenty one years old my favorite place is my bed and my favorite company is him and my cats

At twenty one years old I’m finally beginning to know myself in a way I never have

At twenty one years old I can move forward away from my past, creating my own future

At twenty one years old all I want is to live in a cottage with my cats, to create art and get fat

At twenty one years old I am learning to take care of this body I have. I’m learning to self comfort and take time to my self

At twenty one years old I started loving my personality more than my appearance

At twenty one years old I feel more free than I ever have

At twenty one years old I am poor and impulsive but my mind is healing and my heart is full

At twenty one years old I am hopeful for the future I can enjoy but I’m trying to live in the present

At twenty one years old I take one day at a time. On my bike ride home I feel the wind and smell the air, I appreciate the trees that I pass by

At twenty one years old I am so much

I am never good enough for myself

Despite all my attempts

I fail to reach my ever high standards
That I only hold for myself

The cruel adjectives I use to describe myself while staring through the mirror

break my seven year old self’s heart

When did I stop loving her?