i feel like im playing an intense game
of mental tennis
in my mind
i serve
"i think i might be a lesbian"
the ball comes hurling back twice as hard
i didnt expect it
"you cant be a lesb*an, your family would completely reject you"
i miss
15 love
they serve
"youve had crushes on boys before"
I hit
"but i only liked the boy i made up in my mind, he was a silhouette of a boy who had feminine qualities"
they hit back
"you have to like boys. its whats right"
30 love
I forfeit

sometimes being with him feels like im drowning
waves in my stomach crashing
the tides rise and fall in my chest
cause of death: i was obsessed
wept too many tears
caused myself to drown in a planet of my own fears

Girl is alone
Girl stays up hours imagining what her future husband acts like
And how life may be with him
Girl meets boy
Girl creates his personality in her mind
Wonders what she can take from him
Girl sets her standards so high up boy can’t reach
So Girl gets bored and moves on
Her mind is a factory working to craft the perfect man
Nothing is right
Until
Girl meets girl
Spends hours talking to girl
Girl would never want to change anything about girl
When the world falls apart around them
Everything is okay
When Girl loves girl

My favorite thing to do is to pick and scratch at my insecurities
Beauty is pain
It breaks your body
And shatters your insides
I keep discovering new things about myself I hate
Trying to erase the problems
But I’m not able to paint over the entire canvas
I leave little lines
Pencil marks
Bent corners
Scars
Breaking the layer of protective skin
through the armor
And under my smile
My one man army struggling to keep up with the war
Not being able to find any new soldiers that want to stay and protect the piece of forgotten land that I am
I’m so large yet I’m still not placed on the map

I choose an area where I can watch from afar
Sit on a bench covered in the clouds light tears from the morning
My red plaid shorts damp beneath me
A book sprawled on my lap, eyes tracing the outline of the sentence I can't stop re reading
"it's the truth even if it didn't happen"
I experience the sun blazing down on my thighs
I trace the red marks on my strawberry skin with my nails
Finding a strange sense of comfort in the burning sensation
A sense of knowing that no matter what
One can always expect the sun to burn
I don't like the thought of not knowing what to expect
the isolation in the unknown
I can trust that the sun will never stop sizzling my skin
And although it hurts, it's the safest I've felt in a while

I settle on a seat distant from the world and my life
Here I observe the souls of those overcome with strife  
Settling on a bench sheltered with fallen flowers
from the shivers of trees recovering from nighttime terrors
Red plaid shorts damp beneath me
A book sprawled open on my lap watching with pure envy
as my eyes trace a phrase my mind is quickly trapped in
"its the truth even if it didn't happen"
I experience the sun blaze its rays down onto my thighs
Drawing crimson marks with my nails, I analyze
There's a strange sense of comfort in the burning sensation
The fear of not knowing what to expect consumes my self isolation
The unknown lingers in my mind, crimson now engrossed
I can always trust that the sunlight will never stop sizzling sunburnt skin
So instead of cursing the pain, I find it sublime
for it is the most secure I've felt in a long time

I'm an idiot for not realizing how much I loved you
and now I'm too late

There's this thing that I've always wanted to tell you but I don't know how
I know you you know this but I love you
You might not know this but I need you
When you hold me the world around us melts away
Your face reminds me everyday that I am
100% gay
I've been watching couples in movies for months now and all I think about is your hand holding mine
You help me become a better person and help people around you in every way possible
I've never met someone who is so niceness and compliments
I talk about you all the time
It's kind of sad
I don't want to love you but I can't help myself

I was home alone
Sitting in my room
When ringing invited itself into my home
A package has been delivered

I jumped  up
My feet barely touching the ground
And made my way to the door
It was another summer day
Soft wind blowing
Trees rustling in the distance
Birds singing joyful songs of freedom

As I open the door
The smell of summer morning slaps me in the face
Telling me it’s time to wake up

I grab the package
My fingers swiftly graze the tape
My eyes wonder
And fear holds me tight
An invader
I realize I’m in grave danger

A scream leaves my lips
Dropping the package
I run inside
I close the door and look through the sparkling glass window
There he sits
On the side of my fence
Chirping knowing that he’s in power

Behind me walks my knight in shining armor
Calmly making her way towards me
Minding her own business
Fear takes the lead
And I reach for help

Quickly opening the door
I swing her short furry legs
Once
Twice
And on the third time
Boom
Target is down

Tears find themselves in my eyes
And camp in for a while
I thank my cat
For saving my life
And we go back home to eat
Never to speak of what happened again

Blue marks crawl up your arms
Blood spilling to the ground

The cloth that once was crystal white
Turning red before your eyes

As I duck away from my mind
I find myself fighting back

Because this time
They will not see the pain behind my eyes

Because this time
I don't need anyone's acceptance

And I realize now
That I never needed it in the first place

if you get to know me
you'll regret it

I'm grateful for my mind
But most of the time I wish I could think like everyone else
Not having to always feel the need to be more mature
or look at the bright side of things
Everyone tells me I'm "mature for my age"
So I keep exhausting myself
Wishing I could cut the rope to the tug of war competition in my head
The back and forth of wanting to wallow with the moon but knowing that sunshine will wash away the worry
I want to live without being concerned about what my future self will think of me
I want to be a selfish ignorant teen
But I care too much about how I am perceived to others
And I need adult validation to function

We’re not in the closet because we want to be
We were pushed inside
They threw out the key
Found a way out
And still not free

The room fills with gas
Slowly seeping through the vents
Breathe in
Breathe out
I’m suffocating under your grasp
Drowning
My eyes wide open
Lips turning blue
Forming the words
"it was you"

The boy with the light stare
The strawberry blond hair
The innocent blue eyes with a dark past
The liar next door
He wears the same outfit daily
Hiding behind the black
Talking slow as he stumbles to find the right words
Never seeming to catch up with his bright mind
So he pretends
Walking with his head down and his back bent forward
hiding the scars sitting on the protective layer of skin
Because everyone told him he was wrong
And soon enough he started to believe them
They used him up
Until he was nothing
And left him there to rot

Clock strikes midnight and I’m ready to leave
Never really could stay in the same place for more than nine months

Growing up
I was a zebra in a room full of lions
Still am
With long spider legs
And birthmarks sprinkled around my face and body
My big beautiful dad hands
Shy personality
I stick out like a sore thumb

Living a lonely little kid life
I learned to love
I don’t want others to feel the way I did
Instead of floating around my brothers who treated me like a ghost
I went off to play with my mom
Failed once again
packed my bags and moved onto my cat
She hissed and scratched
I cried
No one wanted me

I searched for my people
Looking high and low
Using everyone else’s personality but my own
I found them for a while
Until the wind whistled
And decided it’s time to blew them away
Jumping  from person to person
Finding good in them
I was told I was wrong
So I kept to myself and became the sad girl no one wants to be friends with
Rolling her eyes and dismissing everything people say
Wondering in the corner
Why people don’t like her

I’m ready to leave
Trapped inside five years of the same cycle
I’m ready to shed my skin
Leave my old life behind
And start fresh
I’m not afraid of the future
For me, change is like water
I don’t drink as much as I want to
But I’ll die without it.

In too deep, can’t get out
My mind keeps racing, running for a while now, can’t get ahead

Fire in my veins
I can’t lie for any longer
Never going to be who you wanted to be
Everyone hates me