Oh, what a brilliant man!
I love everything about him
I wish that were me
But it could never be
Because
Because
Well I don't really know

I just don't feel free
Free to feel my soul
We've lost touch

And I feel terrible
Because
I haven't been looking
And I know it's been wondering
When I would come around

And now that I'm being smothered
And my vision is going out
I can only unleash
A pathetic shout

A cry for help
To my lost love

And I deserve to be lost myself
My echoes should go unheard
Because
Because
I know I've ignored
Those cries for help

And let them fade

I've been neglecting the mirror
Haven't given it a glance
Now it's all dirtied up
And I see nothing

Keep flying!
You **** amazing fool
Rip through that darkened sky
Light it ablaze with your fire
And when you feel like burning out
Burn hotter than ever
Until every tendril of defeat
That ever so grabbed at you
Is burned and singed
Blackened and lost
In the dark cosmos
And cover it up with
Your fiery painting
Graffiti'd for eternity
To bare witness

I thought I had a lot figured out
I never anticipated this self-doubt

Clouds rolling in
Darker than I've ever seen

I remain sheltered
Alone and afraid of

What that storm could do

All I can ever seem to do
Is write poetry about depression
I can talk about how I've done nothing today
And forgot to do my laundry
Or anything else productive

In the past ten hours
I've left bed only a few times

I'm thinking about my hobbies
How I think I have so many
But all I do is spend time
Wishing I had something to do

I think I'm a passionate person
But passion doesn't sit around
Sulking and
Dreading every second

Who even am I?
I don't know if this vacuum resides in me
Or I in it
Or if I am just that vacuum
An absolute void

The depression rips away the joy
From living day to day
I know this
Everyone knows this

And so my poetry
Is like a broken record
Skipping, but never missing a beat
Leaving none for me to hit

And I can keep going
Like that broken record
But I'd rather just stop

Sometimes I don't know
What's going on
It brings me to my knees
To the sand
And there are so many
Grains
Between my fingers

I remember a friend
Who cut his foot on glass
And how I felt
Seeing that ****** cut
Dripping and so
Full of sand

AHHH

I can't stop living my life in other people's shoes
It brings me joy to see what they do

To see a painter's craft;
It's like ecstasy to peer into their head
And feel everything they've put onto a canvas

To hear a musician's melodies
Drag me into wonderment
How do they do that so well?

To read the words of a writer
Live in their world
Have my heart squeezed
And bleed colors I've never imagined

They're all me
I can fathom all of those feelings
I can, I can
The words
The hues
The emotions
The notes
The metaphors
All of those slivers of existence
I can experience them all
I want to
Live in their shoes

But they're not my **** shoes
And they don't fit; my feet are too small
And I know an artist's life is nothing to envy
And most of them didn't recognize their own talent
I don't recognize my own talent
Am I in their shoes now?
Or just talentless?

When I look down at my own feet
I don't see anything but stumps meant for walking
And when I walk to a mirror
I see a fool who keeps trying on other people's shoes
Asking if they fit
As if anyone else would ever know

I see a man who needs his own shoes

It gets dark and cold
When the fire quiets down
But I'll blow on the embers
Until I pass out

A midnight snack of
Asparagus and mushrooms
Have to be healthy
Or I'll have a heart attack

A climb so long and high
I stop to take a breather

A sight that hits my eyes
I am no longer my own leader

I feel very ill
I don't want to be here

Back at the bottom of the hill
The scenery isn't right

Isn't there a fix?
Some kind of miracle pill?

A voice in my ear—
"Dude, chill."

I will, I will!
Let me be clear

Something isn't right
I feel very ill

I need to get back
Everything feels so still

My vision is going black
I feel very ill

I have forgotten how to love myself
I don't think anything has changed
But I know they say
You learn to hate
Those you've been around too long

I think I'm here to stay
So should I just find another way?
Maybe the lack of change
Is the false whisper of comfort

There are chains on my ankles
And they are cutting through flesh
The one I hate put them there
Swallowed the key
Probably to feel less empty

But what about me?
But what about me?

There is an echo
It's the voice of a selfish fool
Who needs help
And doesn't know what to do
We have too much in common
Something has to change
But these chains

I wish I could wake up early
And greet the morning
"Hey, how you been doing?"
And it would ask me the same

I wish I could wake up early
And tell the sun
That I'm really trying
And that I'm sorry
For always lying to myself

I wish I could wake up early
Escape the darkness
That I keep serving
I don't know how much more
I can give

I wish I could wake up early
I wish I knew how to live
I wish I could better myself
I wish I had something else to give
I wish I could catch up to my dreams
I wish I knew what they were

Run away
Run away
Run as fast as you can

No more of these days
No more feeling trapped
No more rattling in the cage

When the door's been open
Just turn the other way

No more rattling in the cage

Run away
Before the death throes
Run away

Run away

I see your rhymes
Playing in time
Crafting the tunes
That are on your mind

I see your structure
      Building a home
            To live in your own
               Architectural bliss

I see your simplicity
Abstraction
Emotional beauty

I see your poems
Penned out of passion
Attempts to plagiarize
What's in your soul
If only I could know them
Year by year
The poems and the emotions
And what's really going on here

How can I be a writer?
When I never write

How can I be a painter?
When I never paint

How can I be a musician?
When I never play music

How can I be an adventurer?
Or an activist?
A chef?
Or a celebrity?
A hero?
A philosopher?
A lover?

How can I live?
When all I do is ask questions

I thought I knew you
I called you a dark friend
Because we would always coexist
I thought I knew where you had your walls up
Where I could live as long as I
Didn’t get too close

Yet here I am
My face pressed against the plexiglass

Where I’ve reach out before,
I find my fingers crumpled
You are closing in, I know it
You are no dark friend
You are a suicidal maniac
Bent on destroying us both
The walls are caving in
And I’m bloodying my knuckles
Trying to get out of here
You can’t live without me!
But you don’t care,
And I know you’re ready to keep closing in
Until I either suffocate or am crushed
Together, we’ll fizzle out of this world

You need to be stopped,
But you’re moving too fast
I can’t get a hold of anything
If you won’t let me out of these walls

At least let something in!
Or just leave some room for me
Before you **** us both

I know that I’m dying, dear
So please don’t let go

Hold me tighter
To keep together the years
They’re running to the ground

Please catch me, my dear
I keep tripping over the time

Please squeeze out my fear
My anxiety, depression, and doubts
Because when you hold me
I remember I’m here

I was brimming with pride and joy
Over a victory I had fought so hard for
I danced to the tune of the canon fodder
And with such expertise

I thought

I thought to pause
To display some grandeur in a finale
A finale felt right

I thought

I thought not only that I could go home
But that this was home
And the invaders had been staved off
I thought the settling dust was a spring rain
And I was expecting gorgeous flowers

But nothing grows in a warzone
Nothing grows

Disaster is no whisper today
It is roaring in both ears
And the onslaught won’t let up
Won’t let go
In spite of my squirming
My flailing
It won’t let go!
And it has a hold of my throat
And a hold of my screams
—I can’t even scream!
Its grip grows tighter
When I let out a breath
I am choking
And crying
Wishing I could drown myself in my tears
But it laps them up like honey
Every drop a precious jewel to add to its hoard
My swords are shattered and tarnished by its poison
Useless against this vile beast
I’m just another victim
Dying in a lair
Where no sound escapes
An echo chamber of desolation
A labyrinth of death
That I’ve lost my soul to.

I live in a room unlike the others
There is no collection of books lining the walls
No box of records lying in the corner for me to flip through
Nothing haphazardly littering the floor to keep me from walking
No unfinished paintings tucked away somewhere
No counters covered in dishes, and no full sink

There is no sink at all
Or any place to **** and ****
And I can only bathe
In what I want to wash myself clean of
I live in a room with walls of plastic
And an aroma of ozone from burning out
I have spent so much time running around the room
Because there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do

Right now I'm tired; I am resting
But I will miss that ozone
And I will keep on running
Like I have forgotten that there is no door
Or window to climb out of
There is only use in escaping what is in the room
I rest to escape the running
When there is too much happening
And the ozone burns my nose
I run to escape the idea that nothing ever happens
And nothing ever will.

C’mon, let’s drop some more bombs!
It’s alright, they are the ones who are wrong.
They run, they scream, they hide—
It’s alright, people always die
There’s no need to know why
Just go focus on getting by.

But I’m tired of all the lies
I can’t see—
I’ve lost sight of the blue skies
The fire and smoke burns my eyes
It’s alright, everyone dies!

But why would I live
Where there’s no sunrise?
Blacked out by greed in disguise
I think I can hear their cries!
It’s alright, everyone dies!

Oh, but I know why!
It’s now so clear to me
Oh, yes, I can see
When You compare us to them
It looks like we are free
But this is not who we ought to be
We have to break from this false reverie!


You can’t erase what You’ve done,
Our memories, or the fallen ones.
None of this is my idea of fun
So I won’t turn, I won’t run,
Not until we see the day
When peace has won.

I must reek of gasoline
As I trudge around
Like a slug
Leaving behind a trail
For the fire to follow
Always racing
Closer and faster
Ready to leap
And devour its prey

I seek you through the fog
I seek you through the rain
And I can't seem to find
Something less insane.

When I keep myself tethered
I am tossed by this weather
When I keep my thoughts unfettered
I fear of getting lost forever.

But I don't think I'll ever resign
To the torrent in my mind
Not to the fear
Nor to the pressure
I must overcome my aggressor.

I lie
In the fetal position
I try
To make myself smaller

Black holes have no mercy
Eating all light
Eating my own universe

I sob
A shaking sob
A quiet one

I used to think I was onto something
Dodging the bed,
Hiding from slumber
I never wanted to miss out
I never missed out on wishing the sun farewell
Welcoming a dark sky
Gawking at the stars
And the ones that fizzled by
Only ever wishing upon them
To see another.
I loved the lights of the city
And the people that were there with me
I thought they were just like me

I never missed out when the sun returned
And it seemed to always greet me
When it poured light through windows
I liked when the birds sang in the morning
As if they also took pleasure in greeting the day
I liked when the streets slowly saw more cars
And people commuting wherever they had to be
I thought they were just like me

I thought I seized every moment
I thought I was living
I thought I was powerful
Like some kind of conqueror
I knew death was to come some day
That was what drove me
I thought day and night whispered life
That I had to listen to all of it
But I was a fool
Or at least a bit hard of hearing
The sun is always lingering
Not to greet anyone
But to let them know that there is less time
It never greets anyone
As it only says farewell
To every passing moment

You elusive *******
Where are you?
The years keep passing
And I'm still looking
Trying to find you
Every possible way
Every possible place

Sometimes I have my desperate hands on something
A clue
Some kind of insight
But it always crumbles in my fingers

This game we play is deadly
So why must I be taunted so?
I don't think I even wanted this fight
But the past is just as lost
And I like to think I'm closer to you
Than that which I left behind

My hands are way too cold
I haven't written a word
I should do something else
I should
Just
Find some time
I should drink tonight
And sleep twelve hours
Or play that saxophone
It gathered so much dust
I can smoke cigarettes and sing songs
Drive to the country to see the stars
Paint my feelings
Watch movies
Tell stories
Write

Gah!
But if only I had the time!

Where have you gone
You poor soul
My precious friend?
Without you
I am floundering
Wallowing
In a place that is not home
Please come back
I miss you and
Your strangeness
Your individuality
That so shook
The status quo
Now I am shaken
Broken
Empty
Without you

What am I doing in this wild world?
This wild life?
I want to be myself,
But apparently I am.
So why is my head so clouded?
My heart so diluted?
Chapter upon chapter,
I only feel lost and blind
Running through this wild life,
Always out of stamina
Out of the gumption
I need to be
Myself

The flowers were beautiful
I know this because I have been told so
They do not look very different to me
Different from the grass they grow between
Not the soil they sprout in
Not the small world thriving beneath
Nor the sky and trees sourrounding
Everything seems the same to me
And if these worldly beauties are compared
It would not do justice to the infinite degree
In which everything is beautiful.

Stare at the clouds all day
Watch the shifting shapes
Dance, roll, and fade
Sit there all day
Awe-struck and inspired
But you can't be the clouds
When you are there

Looking away

All day

Here I stand at the top of this hill
Which I once thought was high.
It is nothing but a burial mound
For every instance of my life.
At least I know it will only grow
But it builds me up with
Disturbances and time.
When I lie down
On the treacherous ground,
Whispers grow louder
Louder and louder in my head
Chiding this growing man
Until he goes mad
Until he goes tumbling down
Away from the sounds
Which only grow louder
Louder and louder

I do not know where I am
I do not recognize this place

This mind
What I thought was so well seasoned
Ready for great things
Now blackened charcoal
And somehow forgotten
Along with the ability to keep up

Please
Slow the **** down, man
I
Think
I'm

Lost.

How can I not dream big
In this lackluster life of mine?
Overwhelming fear forces my hand
To play against any notion that this is it.
An artist, a writer,
A musician, a scientist
I'll take anything to get me out
Away from this life that is so called Mine.
To finally get the chance at an exhale
And have it not be my dying breath
I have to do something
Why must dreams only exist in my sleep?
I have to wake up.
I have to live.

I'm sad
I'm hungry
It's hard to breathe

How do I sleep at night?
When you're losing this fight
Choking on candid emotions
That I can't even eat
Look at me, I'm thinning
Sure you are too
Sure it's a symbol
Of what's going to happen to you
I can't even fathom
You not being here
No more of this chasm
That you've fallen into
I'm sure if you die
I will too.

I am losing feeling
Ever growing colder
Gripping this warm wool blanket
To protect from the fear
To hold onto a little warmth
Before this fire fizzles out

There doesn't seem to be an end
To these thoughts, my friend.
Another day of this pain passes
While choking on the vacuum of space.
Darkness truly is the absence of light,
For I cannot escape this wicked plight.
The illusion of time aside, we've already
Lived and died – it is together, I hope.
I long for our time to glow
Much like a dead star in the night.
I wish for us to glimmer back,
Brighter and hotter than anyone
Light years away could ever imagine.
I'm sure we will bring life
To a world unknowing.
Until then, my friend
We must keep growing.

Listen now
And listen clear
Our time always draws near

Live for the future
You selfish Man!
We really do need a plan

Without divinity
Leading us to fire
Focus on what we desire

Feel that
It is cold out here
But we won't lose to the fear

I.
Falling through the sky
Dodging the time
A victim of reason
And the lack thereof
Faster now it keeps flowing
Rivers rush and rivers pull
Out to sea and drowning
Submarines may come and go
But there creeps deep red rust
Slower now it all seems to happen
A loss of kindness and a loss for rage
a loss for touch
for feel
for words

II.
A loss of everything
Besides the thunder
A distant rumble
An urge, a spark!
To the blaze to keep on
Swimming now, faster than ever
Impossible to keep up
Outlandish dreams
Lands of incredible beauty
And the will to live
Onward with this forsaken time
Keep it going for I will prosper
An illusion to our minds
It moves nowhere
With nothing to hide
A concept that whispers to move
To go, to go forever
Beyond a wicked cage
For freedom – grasp it now!

Echoes on this wild night
Under the timeless glow
Howl, cry loud for these lives
Before they are burned
With the smell of oak fire
A longing for more

Dance with the shadows until
Day breaks on the morrow

Stars far and dead
Live to share this time
We shall have it now and forever

Faster, ever so faster it goes
But never cease, we never have

Where would we all be
When our organs are failing
And our hair white
If we were all still together
Fellow friends who I have lost
To death and to life
I wish I could know
How it all ended up
A reunion of sorts
To recall what has passed
And to finally see what we have become
Nothing we ever dreamed I am sure
But all I can do is imagine

Blood, it flows
Systemic
But not slow
Under teeth and hair
Through the body
With care
Knows the heart
The brain
Every part
Not insane

Capillaries and
Tributaries
Beating like thunder
Life never stagnant
Makes you wonder
Why we can't
Stay under
Instead breathe loud
Listen to the clouds
Thoughts asunder

I think I'll sit here for a while
And let my troubles pile.
It's only been a couple years
And I'm just in denial.

I have a couple brand new fears
Some of them have led me here
Where I am blind, I cannot see
What all this chaos does to me.

I should fight this then be free
From the illness of misery
But I fail to find the time
In my head, my conscious crime.

Replenished by the world you crawled away from.
Sweetened by the tongue of your hypocrisy.
Revived by the whistle and bells.

Wake up.
Feel these whispers.

Hear me.
I am yours.

A dark friend lies to us all
with lips like white iron
and breath of rot

the echoes are louder for some--
     some lose

others keep on
fighting tooth and nail
shouting back with all their will

we cannot lose to a shadow
cast by this poisonous spire
we call doubt
confusion
pain
anything that drags us away
from what we already struggle
to hold onto

do not listen
do not look away
from the light that we all know
keep on the fight
we will make it

just as the darkness is adopted by us all
it is the light that has a place of
     belonging
we all know the pain
stay here and hear the truth
stay here and bask in this life
stay here

it is all here