he looked perfect
sprawled across the bedding
watching her walk across the room
slowly
methodically
taking him in
from where his hands ran through his hair
as his chest rose with every breath
to the muscles across his body
and his legs dangling off the bed
as he gave her a devilish grin
waiting for her to come closer
he looked perfect
and she stopped in her tracks

s.s

i do not understand
i     do    not     understand

how can someone brighten all your darkness
yet strip away your light
how can someone fix all your broken pieces
yet break them more than ever
how can someone promise to stay by your side
yet abandon you at the first opportunity
how can someone leave you when they said they wouldn't
yet expect you to be there when they crawl back
how can someone tell you that you don't care about them
yet you have told them countless times you care more than ever
how can someone tell you they will just forget about you
yet you could never erase them from your memory

i just do not understand
how can love be such a contradiction

s.s

he’s so much more than meets the eye
he’s the scars on his body and how he will tell you the story of where they came from a million times
he’s his clammy hands and the way he will hold yours against his chest and grin when you keep it there
he’s the way he brushes your hair behind your shoulder as you speak
he’s his contagious laugh and how his eyes squint at the corners or the dimples in his cheeks
he’s his tight hugs and on his really good days the way he picks you up in his grasp
he’s his adventurous nature and the way his company makes you feel alive and at home all at once
but he’s also the way he shuts you out when he hurts you because he can’t face the fact that he did
he’s he fits of jealousy and how ridiculously he can act
he’s his urge to numb himself and his hate for life because he thinks it’s so pointless
he’s his bad days where you sit on the phone reminding him that he’s worth more than he puts himself through
he’s his snap decisions where he doesn’t think of the consequences of anything he does
he’s all of this and more
he’s intelligent
kind
handsome
reckless
amusing
good hearted
passionate
he’s perfect in his own way and i was in love with him
my god, i was so in love with him
still am really
but i can’t be anymore
two years later and i have to let him go
because i still have the small hope that i might get him back
that it wasn’t all for nothing
we feel unfinished, but maybe that’s just how some things end
i know i would go back to him at the drop of a dime because he was my everything and i miss him so much my chest aches
but i suppose some people just weren’t meant to be
i never fell out of love, i just accepted he wasn’t in it anymore and let it go
so this is the last time i will write about him even though as i finish this there’s so much more i could say
we might have been a mess
complete chaos really
but he made me feel safe and loved and important
i would never be able to thank him for all he’s done for me and how he’s helped me grow
even with the **** he put me through i always forgave and defended him, or tried to, because that was my boy and i loved him
he’s the best first love i could have asked for
he’s one of my best friends
he’s one of the best people i know
and he’s going to do amazing things in life and grow to be an amazing man

count the freckles
that dot your skin
as you would count
the stars in the sky

s.s

maybe
one day
whether it’s tomorrow
or five years from now
we will find
the person
and it will work
in ways we didn’t think were possible
but all i know
is for now
in this moment
i wish it were you

s.s

at some point in time
i thought losing
the one i called mine

was the most painful loss
i could endure
until i was laying
on my bedroom floor

shivering and numb
head twirling, screaming
like a broken album

it's at four in the morning
when i still haven't slept
with god knows what in my system
completely unkempt

that i could see now
losing myself
was far worse somehow

s.s

love yourself
get lost
in your own eyes
let any tears
that touch your cheeks
turn your lashes
to gardens

s.s

you were the happiest part of my life. i never felt better than when i was with you. maybe that's why this hurts so much. i built a world around you that was my happy place. forgive me for being so naive to think i could stay in that world forever. i wish you the best because even after this i stand by the fact that you are one of the best people i know. you deserve a happy life. even if you dont now, i do think at one point you cared about me and i appreciate the time and effort you poured into this. maybe if life was easier and timing was better we could have worked. i really do love you and i wish this didn't have to end but i understand you need it to. we've been through a lot and i wish only better for you.
thank you for making me so happy for so long and building who i am today. this hurts like nothing ever has but i wouldn't replace my memories with you for anything,
you were my everything.

i have heard sorrow
in the sobs of my mother
     -a sound you can't unhear

i crave you
like an addict
searching for their fix
oh sweetheart
relapse
has never tasted so sweet

s.s

i lose myself
like a ship in a storm
but you're the lighthouse
bringing me home

s.s

i.
love bites as dark as the circles under my eyes like tags on my body mimicking name brands to fake worth that's not there

ii.
hello love to pretty strangers to have soft words fill the loud silence between empty bodies

iii.
flinching from bumping into someone in the store and shrinking away from a strangers smile because the feeling of being used echos beneath your skin

iv.
finding yourself comparing new people to the old and letting your heart break when they don't compare

v.
finding yourself glowing when the sun is high then finding yourself high and lonely with the stars

s.s

oh sweetheart
     do you remember
whispering i love yous
in hushed voices
late at night

     do you remember
telling me stories
with your arms around my waist
under the moonlight

     do you remember
laughing on the floor
then looking at each other
and just laughing more

     do you remember
laying by my side
running fingers across my skin
and holding me tight

     do you remember
all those dumb things we did
when we were just happy
love struck kids

oh sweetheart
     do you remember
when your love for me seemed true
because unfortunately
i still remember it too

s.s

him and i
love
like the sun in the sky

one moment we rise up
in colors so stunning
you can’t peel your eyes away

one moment we sink down
below the horizon
creating endless darkness

over and over
we are a cycle
of light
and the lack of it

we will either chase the sun
around the globe
to never see it set
or watch it explode
a dying star
and give in to a dark end

s.s

i once knew a boy
who kissed me
because he needed to be kissed
not because he loved
the taste of my lips
or the laugh that escaped them
and he did not love me
for the person i was
he simply loved what i was to him
an outlet for his thoughts
he loved to use me
because i said the right words
and kissed the right places
but you see, that's all i was
a puzzle like himself
just a game to keep him busy

s.s

i don't know what i'm feeling

nothing makes sense
it all contradicts

one day you miss me
one day you forget me
one day i can't stand you
one day i just crave you

you can't even make up your mind
how am i supposed to make up mine

i hate you
i adore you
i want none of you
i want more of you

why the **** do i still love you
why the **** can't i let go of you

s.s

i am
hopelessly
in love with you

you could burn my whole world to the ground
destroy everything i live for
and i would still seek shelter
in the oceans of your eyes

maybe that's why i let you break my heart
and why i'd let you do it again
if it meant you'd hold it for awhile longer

i am just
hopeless
and hopelessly
in love

s.s

i've compared you to
oceans
drugs and
storms
to light
water
love and
more

i've crafted a million different metaphors
just to try and capture your beauty

but the truth is
you're just a boy
a boy i found perfection in

in every breath you took
and every atom in your ******* body
i found a reason to love

s.s

i never wanted this to end

but just as i could not keep the rain from pouring
on a lovely sunny day

i just could not keep you
from walking away

s.s

lose sleep
for the people i love
but lay restless
with no one to speak with

s.s

they were caught somewhere in the middle
between strangers and lovers
like where the waves hit the shore

not quite the sea
but not yet land

s.s

hours to end
seconds to start
the endless thinking
brain gears spinning out of control
thoughts demanding attention

trying to sleep
it keeps you awake
causing feelings in your stomach and chest
to match the madness in your mind
dangerously debilitating

finnaly they wear you down
as you slip into comatose
your body and brain exhausted from fighting
your eyes as red as the blood on your skin
your breaths slowing as you drift away
and you sleep

but the first breath awake
from a soft sad slumber
is a jumpstart
and everything wakes up
the thoughts are running like a raging river
loathing the time they lost as you dreamt

and now you're awake
staring at the ceiling fan
nauseous from the spinning
and the reality of being awake

s.s

if i took a shot
for every time
i wanted you
but couldn't have you
i don't think
i would ever
be sober

s.s

all her friends
spoke of break ups
where they now hate
their ex lovers
but she couldn't hate him
he never did anything wrong
he was good to her
he wasn't at fault
she couldn't even be mad at him
just wished him the best
it's what he deserves

s.s

the walls were talking
vibrating back
everything i had pushed away
vicious sound waves
forcing their way in
to rattle my eardrums

now bloods dripping from my knuckles
and drying on the bricks
and i'm not sure what happened
but the pounding sensation
of blood rushing to the wound
fills my ears
drowning out everything else

s.s

she bit down on her lip
and the taste of blood filled her mouth
yet she didn't mind
because it was the farthest thing from sweet
as he always tasted

s.s

i would **** to know
if i’ve been on your mind
because for awhile now
you’ve been running through mine

s.s

we are all born addicts
        addicted
        to love
we crave those chemicals
coursing through our blood
beating in time with our heart
engulfing our mind
love tearing us apart
letting sanity unwind
but it will all be worth it
if we can just get our fix
that sweet taste of love
and the pain it inflicts
because we are all addicts
        addicted
        to love
and once we get a hit
we can never get enough

s.s

they always say
not to touch the art
but looking at him
how could you keep your hands off
something so enticing

s.s

is it pathetic
that i would still be there
if you ever needed me

s.s

my heart was soft and golden
but you've turned it hard as stone
and now that you have turned away
it will be stronger on it's own

s.s

she forgot how good
it feels to forget

s.s

these bruises
are beautiful
in a bad way

their pain
paints proof
of precious life
in delicate pops
of purples and blues

s.s

i may fall
with pretty people
who whisper sweet nothings
in between bed sheets
as soft as their skin
pressed bodies
to help forget
but i will fall
in lust
not love

s.s

how do you let go
of someone you've fallen for
when you don't want to

s.s

the devil
is a pretty lover
with kind eyes
a warm touch
and a hypnotic beating heart
who says they love you
but then leaves
and takes your fragile heart

s.s

if you are happy
and living your best life
why
are you drowning your thoughts
in ***** every night
because, my love
you don't numb happiness
you numb pain

s.s

if you need me
i will be far away
dancing in drug induced dreams
with lost loves
and missed memories
in the comfortable coma
of mind altering bliss

s.s

But i will never be
Elated
At my appearance
Undressed in the mirror
Tracing a body
Inferior compared to every other
Flawed
Unworthy of
Love

s.s

my hands are filled with heartache when i wrap my fingers around your palms
begging to feel the warmth of your touch but only finding a cold limp grasp

i hear sorrow in your heartbeat when i lay my head upon your chest as your heart pumps the sadness through your body
and i consistently hope you never make that heartbeat stop

i feel the catastrophe of existence when you clutch my shoulders
forcing me to stare into dark holes where your bright eyes once resided

i see a suffering in your being that even the devil would bow down to
finding satisfaction in the distress of your every breath

most of all i see myself in the reflection of your eyes
as tears create a mirror matching misery of my own
silently begging me to fix the pain deeply rooted in your soul

so sweetheart i will give my very life and the final light left in my eyes
just to illuminate every last dark corner of your soul

for as long as i am standing by your side i will give you my everything
just so you have a fighting chance to defeat the onset of darkness that i have already given into  

s.s

getting bad again is not noticing the eleven pounds you've dropped in the past month simply because it makes you sick to eat and the empty feeling in your stomach masks the one in your chest

getting bad again is falling in love with the chaos as much as you fell for the boy because having a life in shambles is what you know you deserve and knowing you never deserved that joy in the first place

getting bad again is grinning at the hateful comments you hear because its validation for everything you think and it only fuels the fire of self loathing in your soul

getting bad again is the deep set bags under your eyes that still aren't big enough to carry all the emotional trauma, the guilt that never seems to leave, and the regrets for all the mistakes you've ever made

getting bad again is the late nights
the unsent messages
the tears and puffy eyes
the empty stomachs and empty minds
the aching chest
the drugs and distractions

but most importantly
getting bad again
is just a part of life
and getting better again
is just the next step

s.s

say you dont care
it's how you act
dont say youre hurting like me
take that lie back

go look at pictures
of us and myself
and tell me this doesn't
hurt like hell

think of my laugh
and the feeling of my skin
and tell me you dont miss
my crooked grin

imagine my voice  
the way i said i love you
tell me you feel nothing
that you're glad we're through

i want to hear you say it
rather than just acting this way
think of everything about us
and tell me your glad you went away

s.s

love
with a reckless abandon
think less
feel more
live in this moment
without fretting
about what is to come

s.s

drown me in your blue eyes
i'll bury you in my brown ones
infamous star-crossed lovers
we might just be the death of each other

s.s

i am over you

head over heals
or over your existence

depends

s.s

it drains you of everything you have
when you lose someone you love
you forget how to function
and it takes ages to relearn how to live

you will spend so many nights
clutching your knees screaming into tear soaked pillows
racking your brain for some reason as to why
you just weren't good enough
that when you finally have a night
where you just lay down and sleep
you will wake up in confusion
feeling uncomfortable without streams of sorrow
but even then the nights are still restless
because they lace your dreams like drugs slipped into unwatched drinks
more than ever

you will spend so many days
walking to destinations with no purpose
following a meaningless schedule
but you won't remember a minute of it
because your brain is constantly hazy
like the loss of them is a thick fog settling on the world around you

you will fight so many times
not to breakdown when you hear their name
constantly taming tears biting at the back of your eyes
taking deep breaths to loosen your tightened throat
you will fall to your knees on the bathroom floor
staring into the porcelain bowl in front of you
as your vision swirls with the water
and you sit in a pain you could never have imagined

you will be heartbroken for too long
with a piece of you gone
knowing there is nothing you could do
to fix it

s.s

my “best friend” does not care
and my best friend is not there

s.s

i think i deserve
more than a secret randevu

if you can risk it
for a good ****
and conversations
no one but ourselves will hear
why can’t you risk it
for all of me
for a relationship
we’ve spent this long fighting for

it’s degrading
i’m just the girl
you undress
when no one is looking
because i’m good
but not good enough
for more
not anymore

s.s

i kind of like the hurting
because it makes me feel something
other than numb
but god
oh god
i would so much rather
feel the life
that happiness brings

s.s

she used to get nervous to see him
with butterflies in her stomach
she felt alive

now butterflies feel like daggers
and she's nervous to face him
she feels dead inside

s.s