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2.3k · Aug 2017
oxymoron.
ry Aug 2017
'Love is a drug'
it's a bit cliche at this point but its true
not in the sense of addiction or how harmful it can be
but in the sense of its effects
love changes people and it changes each one of us differently
for some, they become suave people with immense charms
for others, they become bumbling awkward masses that are plagued with a mentality and drive that makes them try too hard
it can slow you down
make you hyper aware
fill up every bit of you
from your toes to your hair
Love is a drug
it can make you do or think or say things you never thought you could
it's an oxymoron that turns you into everything you never were
it's every color and sound and feeling; it's everything at once
it's pure, it's evil, it hollows you out as it fills you up and gives the deepest sense of pleasure as it kills you and eats you from the inside out
Love is a beautiful thing, some might say life's greatest creation
maybe this is true, maybe it isn't but be careful
because its beauty makes so shockingly easy to overdose on when you're in it
sometimes love is a science and love songs are the equations
(michigan - brockhampton, bad religion - frank ocean, supermodel - sza)
2.0k · Aug 2017
1-10.
ry Aug 2017
i tell myself im feeling better.
no social media
no outside distractions
just me and my mind.

ive made quite a few changes in these seemingly eternal summer months
ive changed my diet
changed my thinking
my sleep schedule
my hobbies and interests
even my wardrobe.

ive made all these changes
ive gotten out of my head (for the most part)
so if ive made all these changes and if im doing all of these new and better things
why do i still feel so low ?

i feel low not as in sad
no sad is too simple, too cliche, too blase
i feel low as in my heart will start to clench and struggle to beat
my breathing gets shallow
my thoughts are dulled and become sullen and narrow
like im on the verge of a never arriving panic attack

so tell me if im filled with no responsibilities no standards to hold myself to
filled with a sense of freedom and "peace" as many would say
how come if you asked me to today
i still couldnt put my so called peace on a scale of 1 to 10 ?
mmmm...i was feeling pretty clear but i think the beast rears it's ugly head once more to get me back where i supposedly belong. someone save me
1.3k · Aug 2017
feel.
ry Aug 2017
Certain songs make me think of you
Soft songs mellow songs angry songs all bring some thoughts
I don't particularly know who you are
but when it comes to music you've taken many shapes
songs i like make me think of you
how you've supported and shaped me in the long time we've known each other
and how coherently you understand me even in my low jumbled life
and how we've grown together and always supported each other no matter the distance and lack of contact we may have endured
songs that make me think of you make me feel good
your songs make me feel like i can do anything if i wanted to
your songs make me feel appreciated and loved
but your songs are a different story
your songs make me think of the things ive done
the things ive blocked out and the things i regret
i dont know where i ever truly stood with you
but your songs make me feel like im back there
your songs make me feel angry and suffocated
like i need to break whatever or hurt whoever is there
in order to truly escape​
your songs make me feel smashed and unworthy and hated
but you my dear friend
your songs make me feel different
so different that the only way i can describe it is 'here'
your songs make me feel grounded and solid
like i am filled with cement but in a good way
like i am alive and like i truly exist and that i am unable to simply float away
your songs have grounded me and given me reason and hope
your songs make me feel renewed and strengthen like i can love and care again
your songs make me feel things all different types
it can only make me wonder what my songs make you feel like
i associate songs with people.
1.1k · Sep 2017
hate.
ry Sep 2017
im proud of my progress and where i am
but i still dont see myself as someone i want to live with
ive come a long way but i still dont like me
(afraid, the nbhd)
1.0k · Apr 2017
i miss you.
ry Apr 2017
i do nothing
i do nothing but sit
i do nothing but ponder
i do absolutely nothing but wonder
is this all there is ? is this all thats left ?

you wouldn't know it but i miss it
i think you do too or at least you know what i mean
i miss it i miss it genuinely with every bit of myself
terrible for me my god it was awful completely awful
destroying myself from the inside out
my immature body aging by 10 years with the things I've done
but i miss it i miss them

once you start something and you know what it does
theres something about it
it doesn't make you want to stop
and it doesn't make you want to quit and drop to your knees
and repent and plead for forgiveness for days on end
no rather it.... it simply adds to the appeal
you know with a capital 'K' that you shouldn't be doing it
yet you glance over your shoulder and continue as simple as that

and you think that someone would say that you shouldn't
that you should put it down stop what you're doing
get it out of you as soon as possible that you should stop
before something truly awful happens
but they don't actually isn't that funny ?
they just watch and watch as you continue to die

so yes i miss it
so yes i miss them
i miss it like i had one yesterday
i miss the way i would be enabled by others
i miss the way it made my insides feel
it made me feel wrong and like i would drop and begin to detach and spill out at any moment
i miss the way it obliterated my anxiety
i miss the way it added to my depression
making me numb and unconscious to the fact
that everything around me was going wrong
it wasn't very good but it was beneficial and my god
how i miss it
928 · Aug 2017
orange.
ry Aug 2017
one day everything will be just how i like it.
itll be warm but not too much.
the bed will be soft and so will the duvet and the light
and you'll be right there by my side.
because we know what we have.
our bond our trust will exceed all else.
ill have no words to describe how i feel but one.
an album actually not so much a word.
blonde.
ill feel like summer and new opportunities and lost loves and achingly sweet heartbreaks.
ill be scarily tranquil. a feeling that is greatly unbeknownst to me.
still ill have no words to describe how i feel but my favorite color.
ill feel like the color of sunsets and fire.
ill be a warm yet dusty orange.
so light and airy youd almost think i was a simple pink.
and this is what happiness will feel like
i don't know what this means exactly but I've been getting major frank ocean vibes from everything right about now and orange is my favorite color.
summers ending and i cant stop writing idk how i feel wowie
619 · Sep 2017
habits.
ry Sep 2017
i can't do most of the things I used to
my sensitive stomach is now back to the state it seems to belong in
tied in never ending, always tightening knots
4 hours, 3 hours, 2, 1, half an hour
I go until im numb and nearly collapsing
eyes glazed and burning feeling as though
they'll crack at any given moment
because I can't do most of the things I used to
a hot cup feels like it can destroy me
but the stinging and lovely burn seems to reside in me
like something that was meant to be all along
old habits do die hard, eventually at least
but now I know what the decay can do
it simply brings out whats even worse next spring
everything hurts me and im tired
ry Sep 2017
are what i feel when my hands tremble as i pick up the phone
my heart pounds so hard i hear it in my ears as i decide what to do
i pray that you dont answer that i can leave you a message
i dont want to hear your voice i dont i dont i dont
i dont because i know that if i do
ill begin to shake
not shake how i do when im cold or angry but instead
ill shake how i do when im terrified
because the thought of seeing you hearing you merely being around you
it makes me shake so violently
like an iv filled with pure anxiety was stuck into me
yet i talk to you i laugh with you and im around you
not all that often rarely actually
but even still i feel ***** after being near you
and not everyone will see it but the hands.
my hands
will begin to shake.
i have felt nothing pure anxiety in my heart for the last two days someone help. im sorry everythings about you.
583 · Sep 2018
110.100
ry Sep 2018
it was at the crossroads of 1:10 and 100 and i knew this is where it ended
the only things that would grow at this place would be broken and brittle
insignificant to say the least
this barren ravaged land couldnt grow anything no matter how hard it tried
it just isnt possible
and yet this is land is where i made my home
out of bricks and stones made of apathy and lost hopes
theres truly no point but really was there ever ?
its hard to tell
doesnt matter becausethese crossroads of 100 and 110 are my new own hell
my new home
i was miserable in school and battling w my dosorder when i wrote this. remembered my login but maybe if i write anything itll be happier now
547 · Sep 2017
not much.
ry Sep 2017
im not in the mood for meaning or purpose or tears or emotions
not in for all that this time
i want something quick and easy
so i can carry on and you can go back to ignoring me
Face - brockhampton , Waste - brockhampton
495 · Jul 2017
empty.
ry Jul 2017
Every day I wake up feeling numb
Not numb as in I’m dumb
But numb as in I’m empty
Empty because my brain hasn't caught up with the rest of me
When I feel empty I'm at peace
But after a while the peace is shattered as my brain regains its control of me
It teases me with the first move i make
It tells me things that make my heart and my head ache
But there’s nothing i can do about this because i need it
No i don't need all this oversensitivity
No i don't need these intrusive thoughts
And no i don't need these tears
At least that's what I think
Now these things are all i know they're who i am
Rather than having an identity and a sense of self-worth
I have these
They aren’t weapons or armor that I can use
Instead they’re heavy cases that I must carry every day
because as much as i hate them and as much i wish i didn't have them
I need them because now they're who i am
People think I’m strong people think I’m brave
People think that I'm happy and nothing can bring me down
But they don't understand what it's like to carry these cases to have them drag me down
To have the thing i need to live constantly kick me around

People call themselves crazy or say that normal is “bad”
But when i let them know what i see and how I feel
They always think i'm mad
Not because of the things I say but because of how I feel
I feel like I'm not here i feel like i'm gone
I feel like i leave my body as soon as something goes wrong
But i never speak up i never talk out
Because if I do people will think i'm bad
They’ll think i'm out to get them or they'll think my intentions are bad
But really all i need is someone who understands
What it's like to be dragged and kicked around by the thing under skin and bone and strands of hair
All i really need is someone who will let me share
But i don't get this so I carry on
Bloodied bruised and beaten by thing that tells my heart to beat and my lungs to take in air
the last time i was this bad was nov of last year now im just tryna keep busy....summer rules amirite
468 · Sep 2017
why try.
ry Sep 2017
ive lost so much i cant even bring myself to cry for them anymore
i dont even bother trying i know the puddles behind my eyes have long been dry
I thought about someone I lost but I can't cry over it no matter how hard I try. anyways sorry my poems are so edgy
433 · Sep 2017
i don't know what i have.
ry Sep 2017
but I know what i dont have
i don't have the time
the walls are closing in on me
these walls the ones i created
the closer they get the less i can breathe
roaming in circles gets me nowhere
but its all i know how to do
by now the only thing i can do
is stand here and let my dizzy mind
get crushed by these four towers of impending doom
i aint got time - Tyler the creator
its one of my favorite songs but sometimes I think of it in the opposite way of what its meant to be
368 · Aug 2017
indifference.
ry Aug 2017
everything is gray
i know how that sounds. played out and pretentious
some might even say edgy or something along those lines
and you wouldnt be wrong at least not entirely
to me gray means BLAND
gray means DEPRESSING and SOLEMN
gray means ME

NOTHING TRULY MATTERS
WE ASSIGN VALUE TO SO MUCH OF THE LITTLE THINGS AROUND US
I LISTEN TO MUSIC BUT IT GOES IN AND OUT
"what do you do when everything sounds the same ?"
"i feel like ****"
"maybe this new album will help"
"i think ive broken this laptop from pressing refresh so many times"

Refresh you
Refresh everything
Refresh it in stages slowly but surely
Refresh it

HOW CAN I REFRESH MYSELF
HOW CAN I CHANGE
HOW CAN I GO BACK
"you cant"
I TELL MYSELF
"youre stuck here theres nowhere to go"
AND THE MORE I THINK THE MORE I REALIZE
I KNOW THATS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE
BUT FOR NOW I SIT AND DWELL HERE
FILLED TO THE ******* BRIM WITH A GRAY MIND-NUMBING INDIFFERENCE
i felt it was time for an all caps poem but i wanted to format it terribly to get my point across
338 · Aug 2017
fear of knowing.
ry Aug 2017
i say i want to know
i claim i want to know how people feel about me
what do i do to them ?
do i anger them ? confuse them ? frustrate them ? inspire them ?
i fear im nothing but a nasty conglomerate of everything thats perfectly nauseating

i fear im too much yet never enough
i fear im too distant but always too attached
i fear im too pessimistic but far too positive

but really i dont want to know
the thought of truly knowing what im doing terrifies me
knowing will take away from the beautifully abstract mess that is my mind and its curiosity
knowing will cause the weight of anxiety and responsibility to come pressing down on my feeble shoulders
but at the same time it will be lifted
no longer will i worry about hurting others for i will already know the damage ive caused
so really i need to ask them
do i wanna know ?
alternatively titled do i wanna know but i thought it was a little repetitive. not a poem a day but rather one every five minutes. i wrote all three of these too quickly last night.
271 · Aug 2017
hey.
ry Aug 2017
hey.

i love my friends.

just wanted to say i love my friends.

that's all. bye now.
especially jae check out their poems hellopoetry.com/carton or search blue jae hell yeah i love my friends but jae is the absolute best

also thank you so much to everyone that read, loved, liked, etc. 'oxymoron.' i wasn't expecting it and the response was incredible thank you so much !
250 · Aug 2017
sick.
ry Aug 2017
if im so sick of love why do i want it
if im so sick of society why do i want to fit in
if im so sick of myself why do i carry on
if im so sick of you why are you all i think about

because im not
all im sick of is this
this isnt about anyone or anything actually
except me bc im selfish and tired of my brain

— The End —