i do nothing
i do nothing but sit
i do nothing but ponder
i do absolutely nothing but wonder
is this all there is ? is this all thats left ?

you wouldn't know it but i miss it
i think you do too or at least you know what i mean
i miss it i miss it genuinely with every bit of myself
terrible for me my god it was awful completely awful
destroying myself from the inside out
my immature body aging by 10 years with the things I've done
but i miss it i miss them

once you start something and you know what it does
theres something about it
it doesn't make you want to stop
and it doesn't make you want to quit and drop to your knees
and repent and plead for forgiveness for days on end
no rather it.... it simply adds to the appeal
you know with a capital 'K' that you shouldn't be doing it
yet you glance over your shoulder and continue as simple as that

and you think that someone would say that you shouldn't
that you should put it down stop what you're doing
get it out of you as soon as possible that you should stop
before something truly awful happens
but they don't actually isn't that funny ?
they just watch and watch as you continue to die

so yes i miss it
so yes i miss them
i miss it like i had one yesterday
i miss the way i would be enabled by others
i miss the way it made my insides feel
it made me feel wrong and like i would drop and begin to detach and spill out at any moment
i miss the way it obliterated my anxiety
i miss the way it added to my depression
making me numb and unconscious to the fact
that everything around me was going wrong
it wasn't very good but it was beneficial and my god
how i miss it