Messages wrapped in pink bows were never my cup of tea.
Let me have it out in the open, lay your true self out and allow yourself to have a holy dance with your monsters.

For once, crucify yourself for sins overdue and preach the fear you have been trying to escape. If you cannot save yourself, try saving someone. We must be worth something. We must.
-One

One.
One year later and l have learnt that a light  house will survive everything and will never hold a grudge against the waves.
So let me lead you home.
Let me direct your path. Allow me to be your safety despite the destruction you have become my love.
Let me be something.

Look what I’ve done.
World, look at me. I am pretty. Accept me.
Facebook like, love or whatever reaction cradle
Me in your arms like my mother never did
Tell me I matter.
Kiss me under the stars just
To prove to me that my dark past does not need
To overshadow my flickering happiness.
Let me breath you in just to prove that
This yin and yang mystery can be real.
Two hearts can synchronize.


Look what I’ve done.
Mommy look at me past my disappointments
Lover, look at me like I am the definition of perfection.
Toy with my bleeding heart like a **** in a chess game.
Dangle me. Make me feel whole and leave me empty.
Make me realize that I keep loving “deep” statuses
Because I find pieces of myself in them.
I keep trying to find my voice because
She ran away for me.


Look what I’ve done.
Look at what I am. I am alive.
I didn’t tap out. I survived.
I faced my demons and won some battles.
Lost more but I am here.
Look at me burying those I love.
I went out to hunt grief and before I left
I dug two graves.
One for my happiness and the other for my pain.


Look at what I have done.
God look at me!
Tell me why you never left
A suicide note to explain why I became a monster
The reason why you sent guardian angels
to protect us because we break everything we touch.
We hate happiness because it reminds us of something
we can hold onto for a lifetime.
Look at me. I hate death because
She reminds me of regret and the I love you
That I could have and should have said.
The I am sorry and the tight hugs.
A constant reminder that a beating heart
Is sometimes life distilled to its purest form.


Look at what I’ve done.
I became the human I promised to never become.
The alcoholic my mother is. The abuser that was my father.
My emotionless grandfather.
My voiceless grandmother.
The friend who ignores friends when
They need me most because I am afraid they
Wont reply to my 2am rants when I am confessing my dark secrets
How will I ever forgive myself for the things I did not become?
Look at me!
Look at what I’ve done.

And on that day my love. You will understand why time exists. Limits and endings.

They are there for cowards like you who kidnap cupid only
To find that they cannot **** her.
You can’t demand a ransom because I was never available to the taking.
I belong to whomever is brave enough to take on my demons.
Blow after blow.Kiss after kiss. Smile after frown.

I was never  yours to own or brand .
I am the one you find at the bottom of “seen” and beside double ticks as if
Black and blue weren’t a perfect match.

I am the one you find at the bottom of a Hennessey bottle or a shot glass.
Because I hit that hard and remind you that regret and pain have a redial button.
I am the one that will remind you that I can’t be  reason
enough that mommy or daddy did not love you
Bohoo. The world is cold and dark. I am sure you if you searched deeper
and looked a bit longer
You will see that god doesn’t just send angels to look over us for no reason
We are monsters that need guarding.
Don’t play with fire if you are not ready to burn all the way
This love game is for grown-ups. Sit down and play with your toys.
Let the adults handle this.
Be a coward. Walk away and I hope that one day you will have the courage to look
Back on days when assessing liquids and suffocating in thick clouds
gives you the strength to do so.
Find me in the darkness and in the light.
I am the Yin and Yan. ***** being either One.
I am both. I am what they call the One.
Your beginning and your end.
Since you have ended this journey, let me start. One.

Love is hate because it spits me out at the shores of violent seas, and the world does not stop moving even though  3 years of  my life  are washed down the drain.Gunshots never cease and lately they have become a lullaby for my 1 year old sister who is lifeless on the floor, I mean love cannot  survive nukes.

Love is a silent tragedy because the man next door is not moved as my brother dodges bullets and cover his bleeding ears whilst trying to outrun a lion in the wild.

Love is confusion because what i see everyday is man killing one another because we have different skin tones.
Love is selfish and arrogant because it knows no boundaries nor offers any respect.Love is a ****** because it violates and strips all innocence all in the name of sacrifice.

Love is a ****** because it kills dreams in the name of honesty. Love is an idea that helps us sleep at night because deception is the fuel to survive in this cold world.Love is a conman.

Dinner was a mission, I often wonder if we are to
eat, sleep and ONE day die.  Someone from across the dinner
table asked me why I chew  on my chicken bones and sometimes
Leave the meat... I brushed the question off and said
"its an Africa thing. You know putting some respek on the chicken"

What I tell myself before I sleep is that at least I had
a chance to destroy something. Tear it down.hell grind it down to
dust and leave it like that. I enjoy draining the life out it.
watching the bone marrow seep out of the cracked
bones reminds of myself. Reminded of my shattered soul and
my will to live that seeps out of my shattered self every **** day.

I am reminded of everyone who has come and stripped me of my
"meat" whether I called it worth , sacrifices I made or simply trying to find love in places where rejection taught me that black skin
can bruise.
I am reminded that I  can chew these bones as hard as I want to and
then leave them without any sorry lingering in the air.
For once,  I get to destroy someone and walk out.
That's the only time I could feel worth it, I had the last say.
That's the only time I could turn into the monsters
that chipped   me into tiny pieces and taught me 2nd best is okay.

But these are just lies I mask as the truth. .. I look up to my classmate across the dinner table and smile. All is well. All is well. Just another mask I have to wear,,,,, Another lie I have to sell.....

Its been months since pen ad paper visited
I guess we have all been busy. Caught up.
Consumed by the world around us,
To and fro trying to prove my worth to
those who still leave me anyway.

I drown from liquid to liquid
and yet I never find oceans where my ancestors drowned in
I could never find the voice that has been calling me .
begging for me to join life on the Otherside of the veil

Getting out of bed seems to be a mission
chasing daydreams of finding love and acceptance
I guess I am now back to the only One that will forever accept me
Pen and paper . silent yet loud. accepting yet sometimes so harsh with
pounding rejection because most times I can't even disvirgin paper
so i remain there .. clueless on what steps to take.
I think that's why I am still searching for my worth in random places.
Reasons why people I used to care about became random faces

God owes us a  FAVOUR
I never understood
why bad things happen to good people.
I still find it hard to hide behind
scriptures as I tip toe around grim rippers.

God owes us a Favour!
Flavour flames your kindness could not be tamed
your smile is a flame on its own
You set hearts alight
and spark you own kind fire.

God owes us a Favour !
I wish god could have given her a death waiver
because I thought he was our saviour. I hope angels above
welcome you with open arms.

God never told me that monsters are born in heaven until I saw a guardian angel by my side. That's when I realized monsters needed to be guarded . I think for too long I have been forgetting that the day of my conception was the  exact moment when god signed my death sentence .

I never understand the beauty they see when they look at me. I mean whats beautiful about the aftermath of war........
I can understand manufactured beauty that comes at the cost of a paintbrush..... some expensive lipstick .... that type of illusion that will make them look twice.

What I don't understand is when you tell me that I am beautiful at random times or when you text me to ask how my day is going.... I dont understand how you can think of me when I cant think of me.... I dont understand when you tell me you love me..Who could love such a mess??

I dont understand how you take 10 steps forward when I am always backing away 10 times more.... I dont understand what you see that my mirror hasnt showed me.. Last time I checked demons dont love and I am sure there is no shade better than black.. I just dont understand.

I
Cant
Breath
Anymore.
I am out  of options.
The
road
has
come to
an end.
No where to run.

There is nothing more scarier than stripping your soul naked for someone who might not accept you.There is nothing more poetic than a man who is not afraid to feel nor fear walking through the burning fields of love. The kind of man that touches the depths of your soul in a way you never imagined. In places you never knew existed.

There is nothing more romantic than a man who destroys your walls and helps you build bridges...the kind of bridges that supports you and your burdens day in and out. There is nothing more romantic than a man who melts your heart by just starring at you.... there is nothing more rewarding than be loved.....

I have always been okay with the sound of a door being slammed.One more problem to shut out, but I am okay if I am the one who gets to do the shutting out. I never have a problem with rejection as long as I am the one doing the rejecting because it means someone cares just enough to need to me.

I have never had a problem of accepting love in the form of blue and black, at least I got to receive something. I have never had a problem with looking at a mirror, as long as it was in the dark, because that way I am able to see the ugly  in me .

I have never had a problem with society because judgement will always be there. Whether I am rich or poor... ****** or not... alcoholic or not .. church going or not.I have never had a problem of chasing love in toxic luxuries because I realized that I am more toxic.

I wonder if any of it was ever real. I was so busy tearing myself down so that I could be perfect for you. They say love will change you and I thought it would be the good type of change.

Not the type that has me crying myself to sleep every night.Not the type that has me chasing hesitant a  tomorrow and false confidence at the bottom of a bottle. I keep thinking I just need time to heal... but time is a mean ******* who just turns scars into open wounds that would never heal.Time watched me burn to the ground and smiled. He watched as my heart was torn to pieces .....

There is no life in life . There are no  butterflies and rainbows at the end.... So I will retreat back to the darkness that gave birth to me, back to the mother who "loved" me in her own way. I will cling onto it as if it was the last breath I would take. I will go back to my ruins and stop mourning dreams that were never mine to begin with... This time my own  darkness will shine bright...

I have never been a big fan of rejection. I play hide and seek with its shadows because I cannot come into terms with the fact that you don't want me. I feel as though I am holding you back from living.

I hesitate when I call your name because I know you would rather have the silence or rather me silenced by life. So my love I will sit in my quiet corner and slowly fade away into the darkness.I will not make a single sound nor will I breath because I am burden to everything. everyone. Even me.

I stare into open space wishing I could be free as the wind. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I keep tearing myself down so that I could build a better me that will be good enough .. Even if I could be good enough for a day, atleast then I could be loved for a day.

I keep missing my appointments with happiness because I am searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle and oxygen at the end of a bud. I keep yearning for a pat on the back. A job well done kind of stuff. I want life to tell me that he is proud of me  but all he does it stare at me with utter disappointment. I one day wish to drown in my own red pool because sunsets have never been ****** red nor have rainbows.

I toss and turn as monsters hunt me in my dreams . I wish and pray for a fairy godmother who can return me to my mothers womb. Being born was not my agreement to this cold harsh world.

I used to find answers at the bottom of a bottle and happiness at a touch of razor blade .. Then life came and told me stories about stupid friends and fake sunsets . He told me or happy endings tied in a bow and I felt for it . Every **** bit.

I tore myself down and hoped that I could be better everyday. That I could fit the picture that they were looking for  but I never did . Instead I told myself lies because I needed to sleep at night . Even for an hour before God switched the lights back on.

I now realize pain is not something you leave behind , it owns you for life so why denied it? Your shadow leaves you but your blade never does . And trust me you can fbe me love at the bottom of a bottle .

Some things you cannot compete with . You just a have to miserably tear yourself down and hope that the next person likes the "perfection" that you have built for them . I guess there is fun in waiting for your own funeral because death has never looked so beautiful.

We stab each other with vicious words that we silently take back...
I shove you across the floor and tell you that I hate you even though the only thing I want to say is that I love you ..

I tell the whole word that you are a joke and a **** looser.. but inside you are my knight in shining amour. The one that I would run to when I am in need. Truth is I am tired   of this silent war of pretense .. I love you and I need you.....

I don’t think you now I exist but in my world you are my Greek god.
I wish my body was a canvas that you slowly paint

Your fingers would be the brush that moves to the rhythm of our souls as we create perfection, perhaps become it.
I get lost in your eyes, hoping that I could gaze into them all day because they have me hypnotized
In my time of need I would lean on your broad shoulders where I find comfort and warmth.
I would like you to linger around like Fabric softer clasping onto laundry
I want to taste you again and again even though I know that it would be wrong. I know that you will be addiction because boy you have me hooked.

I want to kiss you, every inch of you as if my life depended on it.
I daydream about you collapsing so that I could give you mouth resuscitation for all eternity
I will hold you in my heart till I can hold you in my arms.

I Never Wanted,,,To Believe,,,
Until One Day,,,When It Happened To Me,,,
That,,,A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
Is Something,,,That Could Never Really Be,,,


And That Such A Thing,,,Only Happened,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
Until The Day,,,That You stood there
Right In Front Of Me,,,

And Without,,,,Ever knowing you every being ,,,
And Without,,,Even Knowing  your Full names
Can Someone,,,Please,,,Explain To Me,,,
How he Set,,,My Heart,,,To Flame,,,

And Now I Believe,,,In A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
And For Just,,,That One Moment,,,In Time,,,
I Have Finally Found,,,That Piece Of Mind,,,
That I Have Searched,,,My Entire Life To Find,,,

And In That Moment,,,A Feeling Of Complete Serenity,,,
Like Nothing I Had Ever Known,,,Came Over Me,,,
Like A Tsunami,,,Washing Everything Out To Sea,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Had Taken A Hold On Me,,,


Like Skies Of Blue,,,On A Cloudless Day,,,
Like Starry Skies,,,Underneath The Milky Way,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Can Only Be Described,,,
Like A Whirlwind,,,That Carries You Away,,,
And There Is Nothing,,,That You Can Do,,,Or Say,,,

Until You stood In Front Of Me,,,
I Thought That,,,A Love,,At First Sight,,,
Was Something,,,That Could Never Be,,,
And Things Like This,,,Only Exist,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
But,,,That Was Before,,,I Fell,,,
In Love,,,At First Sight,,,With You,,,

I dip in and out of consciousness as if death was trying to resuscitate me, little does he know, he does not understand that I Do not want the kiss of life.

I am confused lost between 2 worlds hence they call me divergent because I don't belong to any sides.
I hang on tight to the barbed wires that lay between the two sides, as they rip off my skin I feel at ease , at peace because pain is my friend who has always been there.

Sweet sour sounds of whips and ships that bind remind me of my former calling . I have been to places where blue and black was the color of love. I see  these confused souls claiming to be saved yet they throw stones at my door.

I have been to many places and have met faces , faces that sold me lies and made ties that let me loose : hang out to dry in the wild  and even the devil was never that harsh.
I now lay in this caged prison while these so called saints wine and dine in their houses. They make loud shouts as they cry out to their god. They claim to preach the gospel , but yet they never reach their destination because this devil is busy receiving souls like dry soil in the Sahara ******* up raindrops.

I have been to hell and back and I know what the devil would pay for a lost soul. These saints shut their doors on a Sunday and claim to be free and getting the free ride upstairs yet we all collide in the same hellhole.
We have all been drinking like there is a message in a bottle and we pop pills so we could sleep better at night and have a clear conscience.

Wolves clothed in sheep rags are at the alter promising everlastingly freedom while we cry ourselves to sleep after every sermon. We give them our gold in exchange for a ride to heaven and this invisible freedom yet it's not freedom. It's infinite captivity, we move on loops and hoops of sermons and churches .

These saints can't give me light in this dark slippery path that I am on because they themselves are in the dark. They can't free me because we are in the same cage , they just haven't noticed it yet.

I try to piece together shattered glass because I would rather see you be whole again.
The pain I feel is worth it because without it then what am I to feel if not this.I have lived long enough to see myself become a villain, the true monster I hated, I stare myself in the mirror with disgusted awe.I somewhat comfort myself because I can stare myself through your  eyes and feel as though its not the end but the beginning.

I watch sunsets as though I was lost in some fantasy far away from fantasy world itself. I would like you to give me a deathless death because its by your hand that I will lay in this cold grave and call it a home.

Water spikes from up above turn into minute bullets that punch my pale skin. Sleep still lingers around as the toxins in my blood refuse to die, they want an honorable death like a spartan soldier.

I replay scenes of a bad childhood and reminisce of a ****** roller coaster  ride of punches  and hunches of deathly anticipated blows that  numb my soul. I take a handful of pills then I disappear into the wild ... into fantasies that lie beyond horizons that I will never reach..

All I ever wanted from life is to love and to be loved back  but hey... humanity is never granted everything.. its like you can have it all yet be nothing... Emptiness is not expensive nor nights were you cry yourself to sleep because even though you are in a crowd you have never felt so empty..

So as the sun sets you hug your cold bottle of sedatives or happiness if I may call it because that is  the only comfort you will ever get. You take one sip or yet a few more of the clear  liquid so that for once you can feel pure, you can feel alive and maybe worth  it...... You can live to face another day, perhaps another tomorrow.

So as life rejects me, as happiness runs from me I take another glimpse at the sky... the clear skies were mortals see stars which I never notice. I take another look at the broken mirror then I realize that the mirror is not broken I am.

Everyone has a life to live and people to impress, no one has time to listen.
Never be fooled by those who tell you they are here for you because those are all lies.

They strip you down only to display your wrongs to mankind and mock you. They they tell you to embrace your inner man and drop the act. When you do friends turn to strangers and no one cares anymore because nobody wants baggage.I guess everyone has a son story.

In the end you lie in bed with the devil and hope that his touch can offer what they could never give you. They could never give you freedom but the devil will grant it to you today.

I drown in toxic pool so that i can reach a piece of my soul.
I gulp down another glass of clear liquid. I shut my eyes and make a stupid wish.
For a moment I pray that the earth stops in the mist of my pain and confusion.The truth serum invades my blood stream and is only then that I face my own fears. That is when I open the door for the devil.
A devil that I fear to face so in this very moment please tear me apart.
Tear me apart and do  it again tomorrow. and the next day and the day after till death is at my beck and call wishing to give me a kiss of life.

Life never cares. it takes what it wants when it want.
Death is a wrongly accused victim.

Its funny how you put yourself as a priority in my mere life..
Its outright hilarious how your tricks don't work on me no more.
Life is too short, I don't to retakes or reruns..
I am tired of building myself up only for you destroy me.

I don't have time for your issues for I have my own
I don't have time for you tears because I have mine, remember?
I don't have time for you because I am doing me now and it feels awesome

You are like a speckle of dust.... lost in space and time because in my world you don't exist... you never did...

I used to be afraid that one day you will leave me.
I had nightmares of you walking out of that door, leaving me to start all over again.
I used to think without you there is no tomorrow , there is no life, no time nor space

One day you walked away, shut the door on my face, just like that.
For hours it felt like I could not breath , time stopped. I stopped.
Thoughts that went through my mind were to dark, even for me.
I was reminiscing nightmares I used to have before you.

Well today I woke up and hit me, I am alive. I am alive.
You are not here and I am still breathing.....
I don't know why I was afraid of the sound of that door shutting me out.
I have heard it so many times, like a  chorus to a song I love,,, I sing along to it.

Walk and make sure you never come back. I will roll out a **** red carpet just for you. I will open the door shut, so ajar that time will get tired of passing through.
I don't beg anymore, I don't care anymore.. I am alive... more alive than ever before and you know why.. because you are not here......

So as you walk down the street I will ignore you, because you don't exist.. and I am not about to relapse..
You were never my life support, I was your life support,,, your oxygen , your beating heart...

Today I looked in the mirror and for a moment I felt pretty.
I laughed and sang along to a song that I did not know the words to.
Today "happy" knocked on my door and I let him in...
Today depression took a day off.

You are trying to love me but I wont let you
because I am also trying to love me
It will take eternity for me to break down this way
I have to find me another way of doing this
and in that path,,, you don't exist

I cant give you a piece of me, to me you are a stranger
I don't want to hold hands with a stranger
I don't want to be loved when I don't know how to love
I cant do this....

I don't love, I don't need you anymore.
So as you walk out don't look back, as I break your heart don't cry.
Lesson learned is that you deserve better, better than me, better than this.
I can never give you want you want , which is me.

We chase dreams because we have to make something of life.
We live each day repeatedly,,, every Monday... and the next,, and the one after that.. We have to survive it, plan for it.... make it happen.. so we dream,, we hope and keep believing in our own twisted way.

Demons don't exist , we create them. We nurture them and let them grow.
We wake up with the hope of achieving something before we come back to the same bed, or a different one because at that moment we temporarily fill a void somewhere and for a brief moment we are wanted,,,, needed by someone, anyone.


Time passes, time heals , time does everything but never waits nor reserve....
Time wont heal hate that mankind breeds nor offer relief to those in need, time doesn't heal wounds that run deep it merely covers them up with illusions called scars, when you have this they call you a survivor.. apparently you have some sob story to tell.

Never have I seen death so beautiful until today..
He came into my dreams and we took a tour of the world.
I have never had such fun, I have never laughed so much.

It was painful to watch such a "live"  soul accused of such crimes.
I mean he is the sole reason why we keep photographs and portraits
In everyday life we appreciate what we have and cherish it because death inspires us to.

Never have i seen such beauty wrecked, but then again that humanity,
we wreck everything we touch and blame it all on evolution and development.

Death visited me today and never have I felt such warmth and love
Death visited me today and all that I saw is a misunderstood being.
Death visited me today and never have I been so content.

I had dreams and ambitions , I was a ******* a mission.
I had to no time for jokes and stuff. I had my eye on the prize, everything was great. Fantasies were not for me .

One day life came knocking at my door and hit me with the cold truth.
It was something different than what I have experienced, In a fraction of  a second I lost everything... I watched my dreams fade,,
My world was slowly fading awaiting like light when darkness take over.

They say there will always be light at the end of a long tunnel.
I tell you today that there is no light, more darkness prevails and owns the day.

Who am I to think I was different from the rest, who am I to think I could make the best from the worst?
Who am I to have ambitions beyond reality?
Who am I to have dreams?

The simple thing we ask for in life are never what we get. We surround ourselves with objects, people and in the end get attached because we all want to belong somewhere. Individuals would rather surround themselves with their enemies than face the music....

We would rather befriend the very thing we hate because we simply cannot be alone.
We would rather stay in a broken home, at least it is a home.
We would rather say we have friends when we don't because in this life you can never find a person who understands.

We find only those who will look past our flaws.
We hate death because it has no feelings, what we feel its not hate but admiration and adoration,,, we don't want to feel.... Because nothing hurts more than rejection.

Nothing hurts than letting your guard down and having life give up on you.

It hurts to love you. Holding you in my arms is like stepping on a thousand needles.
I don't want to shed tears no more, I don't want to be no more.
I have been always OK with failing myself but I cant accept failing you, failing us.

So today I am going to bury my heart, I am going to lay it in concrete.
I don't intend on retrieving it, ever, because I don't want to love you no more
This sadness is a wound I can never heal so I would rather live through these moments of pain , shame and disappointment..

Maybe without feeling the pain it would be easier , it would be easier to hold you in my arms and get lost in them.
I would not want to crawl out of my own skin every time you make love to me because it hurts to love you.

If you are going to walk out you should do it now.
Don't look back or say anything. Just go. You lingering here just makes it harder for me.

Don't tell me you love me because you don't, if it was love it shouldn't have been this painful.

Eternity has passed, time never stood still, I am the one who stood there.
I refused to take a leap of faith, believe in whatever and be positive.
May be at this moment I could be in your arms.we could be making memories under the moonlight or kissing in the rain as nature washes away my faults, we could have our own version of "The Notebook"

I go to bed everyday with 'what if's".... that's why I end up wanting the devil to knock me out.
I moved past the point of crying myself to sleep.
Truth is I got tired of everyone telling me how I messed up, what path I should have taken.

I am slowly getting tired of my own heart beat, why are all these people telling tales I already know?
We all cant be happy, I get it but can you allow me to right my wrongs?
I am tired of sipping on bottles, tired of these white pills . I cant be perfect but can I at peace with my regrets.

I shove you across the room, my legs fail me... my "*******" inner me fails me.
I crash to the ground, the last of me, this is it. The tipping point...
I cant do this any more, I can be what you want me to be. I kept chipping bits and pieces of my soul so that I could be good enough for you.
I did it so that you would not be ashamed of me, afraid to hold me like you did her.


I am a woman trapped in a little girls body, I still believe in unicorns dipped in magic and all I see is rainbows , I believe that someday you will love me.
When they say love is blind they were wrong, at least the blind develop a sixth sense, they know when its not real...
Well I lost all my sense, for you i pushed boundaries , for  you I defied all the laws, I defied me for you, because what?? I LOVE YOU???


Love failed me, they sold  me dreams of happy endings and what not.
Love is not fun is hell, it doesn't make me content it makes me miserable and vengeful...
Loving you failed me... I failed myself by accepting the love that I thought I deserved...............
Love don't Love me no more..

I try to hard to perfect it... someone has to notice my effort.
I drown my sorrows in a  book, cramming information into my "empty" mind according society.
I am on a high from caffeine , I have to be superwoman.. save the day, save the world and stuff...

I give my all , fight to the last second but my best is not good enough anymore. In my own highway of dreams I carry coffins of rejects.....
I am tired of writing my "wrongs" that society identified..
I am tired of being perfect and tired of being tired...

I was not good enough for my mother, who chose to find acceptance in a bottle...I had a boy for a father and a judge as society..
As time stands still I engrave all the "rejects" in my gravestone ....
Here lived a soul not goo enough for society..

I stand bu the coast and shut my eyes .. the breeze hits against my face and for a moment I feel free....
I take these white pills and for a moment I am free,,, acceptable..
I swim in these intoxicating liquid and for a second I am free... acceptable to society,, Good enough....

I keep hearing of this master plan,, the grand plan,,, and NO,, don't try to preach to me,, I know the whole bible,, even the banned scriptures.
I have searched for answers but found none.
I am tired of carrying this cross, I cant do this any more.....

I have been to churches,, I have heard the preacher sell hope like my mother sold me,, God's master plan right?
I have had to dogged bullets in the darkest places, have had to carry peoples dreams and responsibility in my own highway of dreams.

I have had to die so that some can survive, Never loved so that someone can get a second chance in life.
Truth is being a saint did not help me, made miserable.. still does..
Can I please change the canvas? or bring in new colors..

Perhaps beyond the horizon there is a new background....
A reality that man denies himself..
A lighter burden perhaps...
or more reverse psychology to make me face tomorrow

I keep checking on my phone from time to time.
I think I am hallucinating, seeing that red beep to indicate that someone pretends to care about me.
I hit the refresh button on my browser,, May be Facebook has something for me,, Or all these other billion apps.

But No,, the world don't care about me. I take a moment to exhale before I jump into my safety net.... reality.. I think we all want to belong somewhere..
I want someone to notice when I am gone... I want someone to care when I fake a smile.. or throw a dramatic tantrum.. That someone used to be you.

The truth is life is busy being life ... and you are busy holding someone in your arms,, where I belong. You are busy wiping someone's tears away that I drown in my own pool of tears.. You forgot me... just like that.. its like I never existed ....... Do I even exist?

My inner being struggles to keep the inside wall standing
Suicidal thoughts invade me... paralyzing me.
I am ****** down on memories I would rather forget .
This is the pain that I long buried, I invited the blind spot in my mind.
It was there that I laid out my deepest darkest secrets/fears.

I keep dipping in out of these shades of pain.
Every time these waters that I drown in become darker, reflecting my cold soul.
Lately I have been drinking like there are answers in a bottle, Lately I have been taking this white little pills to free my self.

I drown myself this toxic pool, my pain and I float into the sunset.
For a brief moment I see rainbows and unicorns dipped in magic.
I believe in fairy tales and the fact that love exists..
For a brief moment I forget my conception was the day God signed my death sentence...

I put pen to paper as I try to express my emotions.
I put blade to skin as I try to draw my pain .
I scream and shout as though life would look back and give me another chance.
After relentless echoes of my piercing wail I start to do my ***** laundry on the streets. Society glares at me with utter disgust.
What they see is a figure who does not belong.

I am a man in a foreign place, a foreign object I suppose.
Like a speck of dust I cling onto the open space..
May be someday I might belong somewhere, anywhere but here.
Because this place refused my ***** laundry.

And so she edited herself
to forgive herself.

Because I failed to fit into the boarder lines of society I am an outlaw.
I color my skin in 50 shades of make up, what they dont know is that what they see is 50 shades of pain, 50 shades of ****** up, 50 shades of death under the moonlight,

As I  lay by the beach side death caresses my skin, we lay side by side.
watching the sun set, we talk about the future, horror stories that lay beyond the horizon.
beautiful shades of red that the world is yet to see.

I edit my skin because I wish that life would take a second glance at me... these emotions I go through, these smiles, cries and whatever I do to seem human are my 50 shades of pain.

I run to my friends with all these fears and they tell me it will be OK.
I cant put it into words to tell them how I cant sleep, I cant breath
How I lay in my bed everyday and cry... Tears that stream down my face are of mixed emotions, but the truth is I am tired
How I wake up every morning with a pounding head and how long I have been popping pain killers.

I keep chasing shadows that I will never catch, In my own highway of dreams I  have been letting through people's dreams and never mine.
I am tired of society's high bar, the stuff we  have to do be accepted to be loved.
This is a burden I cannot carry, a cross I can no longer bear.
So in this open space I crucify my empty soul.
In these empty space i divorce society and life because I cant any more.

I lay awake at night because I am afraid that I will become a failure
I fear that I will be worthless , unwanted and never thought of.
I open my eyes to look into the open space,, thoughts crash through my mind......


What if my life is a waste, what if society never accepts me for who I am because the hang onto ideals that are null in today's world.
What if my family is not proud of me or if I never live up to the "figure" of me they have painted in their minds.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere, belong to someone and be loved
I am for asking for billions, I am not asking for a diamond ring , What I ask is that these fears never come to pass,, May the disappear into thin air,
may the fade away ,, fade away like memories of me  in the hearts of those that I love silently......

Yesterday I read this funny joke and I immediately dialed ur number....
After a few seconds of battling with reality I hung up.
I went into the deli today and ordered your favorite meal... I never like it but yesterday was different.. it was like part of you was there.

I slept on your side of the bed ... I somewhat thought it would make me feel better and close enough to you but no... it *****!
I think I am finally accepting the fact that I miss you so much that it hurts,,,
I cant breath,,,,, sleeping is a mission because every night I cry myself to sleep.... and I wish you were the every time...to hold me in your arms ,, tell me its going to be Ok, that you are there for me... But these are just thoughts and desires... glimpses of the past that I can never have back...

I cant pretend anymore.. I miss you... .....

I make writings on the wall as I try to convey my true feelings.
I can no longer feel my heart beat.. I am just there.. living for nothing.
I loved love and it did not love me back.
I carved out its name onto my chest,,,, swept it off its feet but no....

I carried the burden that came with "love" because i though the end would be bliss..
Not pure agony and stuff.. I thought love was supposed to be beautiful
I thought love was supposed to make me have this feeling in my stomach that made me feel like i could be invisible

I woke up today and I realized i have been living in a bubble.
I realized love dont love me  no more.. it never did.
I lied and told myself it was LOVE  because that was the only way
the only way i could deal with the pain, disappointment and my excuse for a life.


So... why love love when love dont love me?

You let me down every time....
Your judgement destroys whats left of me every time,,,
Instead of letting these tears fall I prefer to smile..
I throw the lamp at you so that I can miss..
I scream so you can tell me to calm down...

I Push you away so you can pull me closer...
To hate you means I once loved you.. I still do.
It hurts to see you everyday and act like I dont care
It hurts that every time I am happy the first person I want to tell is you.

It hurts to love you, every time....
It hurts that everyday I dream about waking up next to you
It hurts that every time you never notice me...
You can be among-st a crowd and I will still find you..
That's because I love you and it hurts , every time...
And finally it hurts to accept that you dont know how I feel