Today I will give up my forever ,,,,
I would give up my happy ending so that  for today you will have your happy ever after ..

I will jump in front of a bullet for you....
I will carry your cross for you,,,
I will bear your burdens because I care...

I hate missing you while you are still here,,
I hate not being able to touch you while you are in front of me...
I want you to be happy,, happy forever,,, never stop smiling,,
Because I care,, i will stop smiling so you can smile..

I will stop being happy so you can be happy, because I  care...

Echoes from within-
The constant ripples of these calming echoes have become my own kind of serenity.
I feel as if I am walking under water, the angel of death has struck me with his intoxicating arrow.
When these unknown echoes bounce off the invisible walls that surround me I am able to stop time.
I move to the rhythm of this darkness, sway to the tempo of the echoes that have invaded me for so long. Hell this isn’t a cold war no more. .  I reminisce over the day I made my choice. The day I was saved by these unknown echoes, the day I received this freedom that has me enslaved.

As I walked down the aisle, my shadow comforts me. I look back and smile. At least someone stayed behind.
I stood at the altar, my bare feet adorning the cold floor. Taking in all of what I deserved, nothing.
I stood at the cold altar, looking death in the face as I said my vows; I pledged my life, confessed my eternal love.  As I engraved death’s name across my chest, my empty hallow chest.

My long walk to freedom is an infinite road, a deadly labyrinth that has me going in circles.
These cold metals hold me in my right place, like gravity they hold me down, down where I belong.
As these chains cut deep into my skin, I feel a bit of relief. I still appreciate the pain that never left me.
I am filled with gratitude as this sharp razor blade embraces my flawless skin, as I receive the only love I’ve ever known.
This is the kind of love that fills me with uttermost joy, love that life could not give me.
As this sharp blade carves into my pale skin I drift into my happy place, my safe place.
The clinking sound of the cold metals sinking into my skin sends me on a rampage inside this comforting cage. If I don’t have these echoes I have nothing!

As the spotlight focuses on me, I can’t help but disappear into the background.
I am dead beat from chasing these shadows that deprecate me into nothing.
I see my pain bouncing off these walls like relentless echoes that end up in this empty space.
As this red liquid drips and dances to the rhythm of my empty beating chest I curse the darkness that gave birth to me.
This deep dark dripping liquid, matches the pulse of these echoes that surround me, these unknown echoes.
As I stand on top of this mountain that amounts to the sins against me: cases against my innocent tainted blood I can’t help but scream. I question the shadows that surround me I summon the death that gave birth to me, but what I hear are echoes of my own voice.

As this deep dark red liquid drips from my wrist I feel at ease. I feel as though I have paid the universe. I hope to lose myself in time, in space like the resonance that suffocates me.
I hope that this deep dark red pool that I lay in will help me float into the sunset. Award me the freedom I long begged for. I am tired of chipping bits of my dark soul in order to fit the picture, tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders, tired of chasing the fast spotlight. What I have, what I own, what I know are these echoes from within me, echoes unknown.

As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
My dark soul dances to a silent tune as my heart bleeds through a piece of paper
I view a reflection, an illusion that I thought will never exist
It was though as if it was a fragment of my imagination
I hear the echo of my own pain slowly being masked by a bit of happiness
Slowly my pain fades away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like its rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I looked to the heavens and they denied me placate
But now, this reflection illuminates the dream I once had... That victory that I envisioned
Pain is a dead end street with deathly blows that will send anyone to the grave
I have been a slave of my own imperfections, blurred vision I had because of the constant pain
Could not see what laid before my eyes because I was busy digging my own grave
Life had me begging for a dying wish because I never took notice of the reflection before me
Lesson learned is that everyone makes their own happiness
Life does not have a manual to go by or some set of rules..
Finally I am the ******* the other side…happy and lively

I look back and I witness the mess I created. No wonder words cannot justify the remorse that I carry on my shoulders; the pain that radiates from my “I like you too”.
Going down memory lane I remember the 1460 days in which I built high walls made of concrete, as I sat there and shot down every love story that the world had. I yearn for your touch yet at the same time the fear that comes with such a feeling overwhelms me.

I believe I am broken, shattered into a million pieces that cannot be made whole. Your efforts pain me because you are the ideal idea I dream of. I somewhat hope you could read my mind, I somehow hope that I could end up in your arms, where I could feel safe.

I do admit it; love was wrongly accused by my empty soul until your tenacity filled me with hope.  I hate the fact that I am this giant that may never become a miniature. I hate the fact that I hate me. I hate the fact that you could love a heartless monster like me. ****! I said the forbidden word, LOVE! Even my own subconscious glares at me with utter disappointment.

I hate the fact that I care, the fact that it hurts. But then again burying my emotions is what I am good at. I believe I am a master of my own destruction, I do not believe in flowers, romantic dinners and surprises but one thing I know is that I believe you, I believe in you. In my vague idea of “us” we do ride into the sunset. We get that happily ever after. The thought of you being my knight in shining amour petrifies me to the core. I am afraid that I will care too much, that I will love too much. Yes, I do believe in love because you gave me that.

You gave me the spirit to believe in something I hated to the ends of the earth. As I drown in a pool of my own condemnation, I keep looking up, I keep swimming, and I keep letting my soul sail because I hope that you may save me. Finally it then hits me; I sentence you and love 25 to life. If you keep your promise to never leave, I will keep my promise of giving you this warm heart of mine that is caged in concrete walls. If you promise to be there when it matters, when I succeed , when I fail, when I cry or worse when I shut down and try to push you away. If you promise to hold me till I feel like the walls are not closing in, I promise to unlock all these doors I have shut. I hope that you will hold my hand till I finalize my divorce with death. I hope that you can piece me together.

But then these are just thoughts I never voice, these are voices in my own head. Every love story has a happy ending and in this one, you are my happy ending because you set me free from my own prison and complete the person I was meant to be.

Today reality gave me a clear picture
I no longer see an illusion
But what I realize that my inception is my perception
Where am I? In this world I am a speckle of dust, diminutive I remain
Lost I remain, useless am I
I am tired of pretend faces
Weary of liars, cheaters and the world’s empty promises
I have seen more fake smiles
Than stupid rainbows of fantasy
I have witnessed life’s biggest moments
I watched mankind’s biggest failure
I know the feeling of defeat
Every time I come up for air
Life acts all unfair
The universe makes me the laughing stock
I have seen more backstabbers than genesis of day break
I met many monsters of this world
Monsters that are shoddier than demons that walk through the gates of hell.
They caused me more pain than piercing words of the devil himself
I have had my heart shattered to a million pieces
I have travelled pitch black paths that even darkness himself would never consider
I guess I got lost in life’s maze
I am dead beat from fighting to fit in
I am jaded from loosing invisible battles
I think it’s now Ok to say need I not any man’s opinion
I cannot take this feeling anymore
I now lay here… wondering…
How am I to escape?
Because veracity to the world
I was never human…… all I do is pretend, all I do is fake.
If life lets me… can I please ask… anyone out there?
What is it to be human????

I constantly talk to myself. Calming myself down because I am at that point: the breaking point.
I gradually shift between reality and fantasy as though I was a trauma patient dipping in and out of consciousness.
I drug myself yet my body retaliates back like a bush fire, I am so lost. So alone.
I can’t even breathe: I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I can’t live.
I wonder....... how did I get here? I used to have everything under control. I used to be sane.
I now feel like I am a failure, caught at this crossroad where loosing is my only option.
I look back and see people cheering me on, I look to my side and I see my own ghost.
With my mouth agape, I gaze at the pale figure, distraught and condemned.
I see disappointment. I am engaged to failure and married to death.
I no longer see the thin line between hate and fate.
Looking back I think I want to play god, I want to be god.
God in this moment, in this era that I am facing. I am like the scorched earth.
I cry out for a single drop, a single drop of faith, hope and redemption.
Dear god if you ever existed, this is me calling out: this is me giving me up.
If not then let me call the angel of death, let me die from this dark cloud.
Let me die from this wonder. Let me die before I get to meet my ghost.
Let me die before disappointment says his vows; let me die before I die.
I am tired of dreaming a dream that is an illusion. Even dishonesty couldn’t sell the lie to me.

CONFESSIONS OF A DROPOUT: DEAR EDUCATION
I am caught up in the ideal world where I breeze through the fast paced life
I look back and I see no one not even my own shadow
Life dumped me on a rainy day because I wanted to become of this generation
I was everything to pretend friends
Life seemed worth it with everything but you
The drugs, the cars, the money and the alcohol… ****! I even drank methanol
But when push came to shove I had to grow up
By then life had already given me deathly blows that were beyond me
Deathly blows that sent me to a dark pit, a dark pit were life ceases to exist
God himself knows that I am beyond saving grace since I am a different case
Truth be told I dug my own grave
Now I am a slave to this burning rage
I now believe I am going to rot in this cage
Poverty looked and me said when I grow up I want to be like that girl
Pain looked at me and shed tears….. Death visited me and renounced its existence
So dear education if you ever get this letter know that I send my sincere apologies
I wish I could have listened, I wish we could have been friends more
I now live a life of regret were I dream of having a ride on death’s train
I wish you could take me back but furthermore I pray that you lend me a dying wish
Dear education…… please do accept my apologies!

AM I REAL?
The silence to me is very loud.
My shift from fantasy to reality is a dream as the echoes of my own pain paralyze me.
I dream of a dream that ceases to exist since it’s alive in my own world that is parallel to reality.
I block out deathly memories of a sick twisted childhood. I think the lies in my head are catching up with me.
I constantly tell myself lies, secrets and fantasies the Pandora box denied. Am I for real?
I yearn for the unknown. This black hole has me hopelessly mesmerized. Lost beyond return.
I can no longer hear my own voice. Dead I remain. Still. At hell in my own peace.
I surrender to this fear that gave birth to me. I am slave to a slave. Prisoner to a prisoner.
As I say ash to ash, dust to dust, what do I tell the world about me?
Death to death, fear to fear, hate to hate and darkness to darkness.
As hate gave birth to me she abandoned me for happiness. Her kind of “happiness”
“They” say I am a ray of light to their darkness.  Somewhat a glimpse of hope. A mirror to their dreams.
“They” say I inspire the expired. Give redemption to the lapse of those who have given up.
Are “they” for real? If and when they strip me of this pretence they will know.
They will reveal deep dark secrets that hell could not hold.
I used to vacation in hell until one day the devil kicked me out.
He told me I was to “damaged” for his liking. Too corrupt for him to handle
Too evil to be evil.

One thing I know, one thing I wish for, one thing I would die for
One thing I pray for is that you die a horrible death
I wish … yeah that’s right...It’s just a wish!
If I had the choice to free you or the devil himself
If I had a choice between life and death
A route between heaven and hell… I would sure choose the latter for you
Trust me; I have acknowledged the fact that I am a biological error.
A constant remind of your foolish mistakes. Your own hell I suppose.
You made me make pain a hero, a friend and a **** father you never were.
Death was my mother that I desperately prayed to for her to take me home.
I was desperate for my own peace at my lonely grave
Desperation could not keep up with me; I guess I was beyond the poor thing.
I hope that someday life will serve you as a devil’s dish.
In my own world, in my own fantasy, my own deception of coping with reality, you do exist.
In my own world I am daddy’s little girl, with the pony tails and ****.
I am that girl that waits for you to come back from work.
You exist as a figment of my own imagination when people talk about their families.
I long for your embrace like the Sahara’s desert crave for water.
I long for freedom like a slave. My own emotions crucified me.
I stare down death everyday as though I was staring at you.
I guess the simple truth is that I want to see a friendly face in this empty crowd.
Dear father, I hope they have a special place for you in hell, were you will burn for eternity.
When I needed you, you needed a needle. I cried for you but you cried for some sick *****!
I cried for weeks and months until it hit me; you aren’t worth it.
You missed the first time I walked. The first time I talked. The first time I shined bright.
I bet you are going to run away from your own funeral! That’s what you are good at.
So dear father, wherever you are don’t die yet. You still have to see my success story.
Witness with your own eyes how life ****** you up on a good opportunity.
I hope your bottles, fake *** ****** and more babies keep you warm at night.
I hope a car doesn’t run over you anytime soon.
Abandonment looked at you and ran away; responsibility looked at you and committed suicide.
But do not worry, I am here to stay. Call me your worst nightmare if you must.
When I told the devil my story he quit running hell and went back to heaven.
He felt you deserved it more. You are hell. Can you hear the bell? Your ride is here.
I will give you a ride to your own little grave.  Your little own cave.  
I think if you do get this letter know that this is what the universe calls impartiality.

LOSS
The violent waters hitting against my fragile face become bullets that punch holes through me.
I struggle to breath; as gravity deserts me because weakness left me hanging.
I look up to the heavens, I ask this god! I question the universe…..
Why me?  In this center stage I cry out! I scream! Can you hear me, Loss?
The echoes of my own voice paralyze me, left unanswered like so many of my silent yet loud prayers.
I dream of a dream where I stare down death everyday yet never befriend it.
I am a man who is running against time, hoping and wishing for the impossible. Am I sane?
I knocked on redemptions door as the heavens renounced my own mere existence.
Pain dug itself a grave and held a funeral for itself after it met “my pain”
It was a day to remember as I saw on death’s face a feeling of remorse.
Death felt pity for me; he did regret his selfless decisions of taking those I love.
Yet again I dare to use this word that I know nothing of! “LOVE”
I yearn to see a friendly face in the empty crowd; I wish to see the invisible.
I try to mirror my own horrid voice and compulsive acts
My own tears are no longer a defense against my own defense
Life slips through my fingers swiftly though as if it was water passing through
I look down on this grave and I see, I witness what life robbed me of!
All these people talk about is a land of milk and honey; does it exist?
If it does, could I departure any sooner?
I try to see the rainbow beyond this darkness… I try to witness hope.
Loss has me tied down; in its deathly grip I wriggle under death itself.
Loss has given me deathly blows that the devil never gave me.
Loss is a fiend , a master of pain beyond pain
Loss I beseech thee, keep away from my circle
Loss, in this deathly platform, I forgo myself for the “others”
Loss in this dais I am a loss to you.

I embarked on a journey, a road trip to search for the unknown among the invisible
The loud clatter, the cold silence, keeps me still and restless.
I hold my head up high, and then suddenly I receive deathly blows that sent me to my cold grave. I look up and I witness that “mercy” is the one beating me to a pulp.
At this point my knees are bruised, black and blue from praying silent yet loud unanswered prayers.
Life passes me by as if I did not exist, time refused to stand still as the wrath of the meek invaded me.
For a split second I thought I found redemption, hope and sheer peace. I was wrong. i am wrong.
What did I ever do to this evil world? I do everything by the book, everything!
But then I guess sometimes everything is not enough. I am not enough.
I drown in my own pool of blood, I think now life is trying to give me closure.
I think I am beginning to see the clearer picture: if all there was ever one.
Life is not fully of rainbows and stories about riding into the sun set.
Its not about the knight and shining armor who rescues the damsel in distress. Life is life.
When you are young “they” painted a beautiful picture. The best there ever was.
As I grew the paint started to peel, the canvas disintegrated before my own eyes.
Even the greatest painter like Picasso could not rescue or paint “my picture”
Harsh conditions of this dear world rendered me my worst nightmares.
Now as I paint my own picture, I have nothing but this dark background.
I try to reminisce all there ever was but memory led me to my dark grave.
These dark graves were I was born; even the slaves did not want me!
Life has created desolation and called it uttermost peace and happiness.
Death. Death. Death is my only friend, my only choice.
At I time like this, I forget that I was never given a choice; life made the choice for me.

I feel you constantly each second
You are the one thing I breathe, the one thing I cling onto for my dear life
What did I ever do to you?
I am in debt to you?
I work hard, pay my dues and respect the world
What did I do to deserve such persecution?
Dear pain I think our contract has to be terminated
But then again if you leave me who is left with my dark soul
Who is left to keep me company at my lonely dark grave?
I am tired of being used, dumped and stepped on
Haven’t you had your fun yet? I think I have reached my dying limits
I give up! Then pain, please I beg!
Lend me a dying wish!
I think in this game of cat and mouse you have won
I think I am now brave enough to accept defeat
I am strong enough to handle the fact that I am nothing!
Dear pain, I have nothing but tears to shed
Dear pain, lend me a dying wish!
If you do come to my funeral, don’t be sad
We were good friends, the best of the best
I would have not wronged the world if I say I enjoyed having you
Dear pain, please keep away from the ones I LOVE
Lend them the opposite of my imperfections
Dear pain my partner in this emotionless crime
PLEASE! DO LEND ME A DYING WISH….

By: One Pamela Pusumane.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER AND AUTHOR.

Tell me not of no joy
For you have never faced death
Nor have you seen pitch black days
Where a black man re -wrote history books
And became the monster of all
But then again I have seen a black man change the world
I have seen the human race believe in a split second.
In a dark room I lay, tired, exhausted and fed up with life’s empty promises!
There is no sunshine at the end of the stupid rainbow
No knight in shining amour
Only the devil with blows that are beyond me
Trials that become my life, like words engraved they now define me.
If heaven does have a highway, I would love a ride
I am weary of sitting on the side
Long gone have I forsaken my pride?
I cry out, yet my snivel remains silent to the world.
What I am to do?
Even loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
I build a wall so high that it will reach space
Because then, may be, just may be… the universe might listen to my case
I now believe I am not of this generation
Never will I be driven by desperation
I gaze to the heavens for consolation
But all I receive is **** condemnation
Defeat is a feeling I have, it lies below
Beneath the plains of my pain
Surges through me like a speeding train
Takes me high and low that I feel so drained
Like a prisoner I feel suffocated, tied, clamped and so much in a chain
What the hell I am I to gain
I guess I now know the feelings of Cain
I now can say the universe is not fair
Need I not no fate nor luck
Reality just gave me a blow
Lost I remain, like a speckle of dust I mean nothing to the world
But my question to anyone out there……
What is it to be human…….

I let you in my life for a dance and you stepped on my toes like it was the end
Threw pieces at me that hurt like gravel sand
Guess I now have an excuse to say why I feel like this
I let down my guard for you and you destroyed me
Gave you my time, my money and my efforts
Showed you a whole new world of meaning
I gave you the keys to my dark soul
I sit here while I suffocate in this darkness
Surrounded by it, its depth, its contrast is overwhelming
Truth be told, I am tired of being used
Satan threw me into the dustbin, did not even turn back
After I shed so much blood for him
God then lent me two minute redemption
Split seconds gasp of pure air, a ray of light
He then took it away together with his disciples
I am tired of being alone inside, alone in a crowd
Trying so hard to fit in, why do people use me?
Even a ****** is better since people use it for their own definition of what love is
But what am i?
**** love, friendship and relationships because I am tired of trying
My heart is big but it beats quiet
Dear chance…. I am tired of the world
So please lend me a dying wish
A dying wish to leave this earth
In God and Satan I found no answer
I feel alone in a roomful of people
I look at the sky and see how far heaven is from me
How far redemption is from me!

The world used me! Dear chance…….
Please I beg you! Lend me a dying wish

Need not blame me for being insecure
I am no doctor, hell I don’t have the cure
You cared, you landed you ears but I looked the other way
I did not having anything to say and I now know that was never okay

Who was I to judge you,, but then again when the world taught me to hate what more can I do?
I am lost in this dark hole where love ceases to exist, this pit I call hell.
How can I love when I do not know the meaning of the word?
I pushed you away because no one can come in
I build this barrier this wall, this guard that I never let down
Dear I pushed you away you never had a single chance, not one in a million


Truth be told I did care... I do have a heart in this dark cold empty chest of mine
Please tell the world then to give me lashes like my mother did
I am speechless, robbed of words and all I have is a fake smile
All I can do is marry this darkness...
I am  suffocating and  I think that  I am going to lose myself any minute now


Dear I pushed you away…. You never stood a chance
But if I may ask are you willing to wait for all eternity?
Truth is I care so much it hurts.. but after loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
After love stabbed me in the back, after I walked through gates of hell
I could take it no more
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretense is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live

I bear great regrets that have got me wishing
Wishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
Dear I pushed you away…….. do accept this letter.

I am tired of this rollercoaster ride
Exhausted of watching from the side
Dear emotions, can I please plead my case
Can I rebuild my base?
I crawl on this ice cold floor…….. Blood oozes out of my wrist
Numb is the feeling I have as I lay on my back
I look to the heavens for sole placate... Try to reminisce
Resurface old memories that lay deep, digging out all the pain
Dear emotions, can’t you just lend me a dying wish?
Why I do I perish?? Please serve me as the devil’s dish
Can’t I just walk into hell and just dump this heavy burden
Dear emotions, I think you and I my friend are beyond repair
I allowed you to sell me dreams that slowly built inside of me
Dreams that are catastrophic... no wonder I am claustrophobic
If peace and love exists in my dreams only then I beg
Down on black and bruised knees… don’t wake me up
I lie on back confused, abused and intrigued
When will this end? This pain…
I have never seen love or met it
How will I know when I finally do?
So busy with hate and revenge! I think I am in too deep
So deep that I breathe and live on hate and revenge
What am I? A monster? Think I need saving grace
Since I cannot keep up with this pace
So dear poetry lend me an audience
Dear emotions, lend me a dying wish

I don’t have exultant memories of childhood
Never have I build stupid sand castles in the air
All I am I owe to pain
I have never shared a genuine smile
At the end… everyone always leaves
So life…… I am going to leave you first
I would rather save myself the disappointment
I feel lost in a cave that is pitch black
I try to yell for help
But all I hear is the echo of my own pain
The thing about pain is that you will never ever gain
But then again when you feel it…. You still know that you are alive
My soul cries out yet there is still silence
I have travelled the world searching for answers
I have gone places searching for redemption
I have met many faces seeking consolation
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I wish not to be of this generation
That is forever driven by desperation
I think I am beyond repair
I seem not to fit anywhere
The mistake I make is letting my guard now
Life has no sympathy... it never cares just like everyone around
I am sick of lies at least politics lie for a reason and you know why

Slowly I fade away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like I am rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
Life is a two faced ***** who will stab you in the back
Does not care whether you blue, green or black
At last, I got the memo; at last I get the picture because there was never one
Truth be told I never did belong… life treated me like a disposable material
Even some materials are recycled.. What about me then?  Aint  I that worth it?
I wish I could find someone who loves me for me…
Someone who does not sell me empty promises and then leave me dry, hanging and afraid of the world
Its funny enough I sought to the devil for refuge... …Was willing to shed blood to belong
But… but he too even dumped me! I look to the heavens for solace but I receive denunciation
They made me feel like there was nothing left of me
Am I wrong for wanting more? Am I a sinner for asking for acceptance?
My knees be blue and black from praying loud yet silent unanswered prayers
My heart bleeds as I illuminate a fake smile…my dark soul suffocates me
I gasp for air as if I am in a pit of hell. No… I am in hell
I search this world seeking where I could fit in….. but to no avail
I guess everyone does belong somewhere right? This god had a plan!
A well constructed script that included everyone even the unwanted extras
What about me then? That’s a question I ask as the heavens deny me placate
That’s my case against the world….. Because the world sold me a dream
A dream that was a blunt twisted lie because life proved me wrong
My blood runs cold with a chill
****! I think I might need that ecstasy pill
I put on my pride…… hell life took me for a **** ride! I now watch from the side
At last as I make my final choice …. To depart this earth...
This trap, this tunnel of horror with no glimpse of light
Dear too late... …. If ever this note reaches you ... In this exact moment when you read it
It then means at last you got what you wanted
At last you may never ever understand because... Because
You never really knew me….at last I just faded into the background

Why am I of this generation?
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
To what extent do I draw the line between hate and love?
Is it possible that I can be free as a dove?
I yearn for freedom like a slave
Because all I do is for life’s sake
No one knows me, the real
Nobody knows my smile, my joy…
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretence is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live
I bear great regrets that have got me whishing
Whishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
Since forever I will perish
I wish I had someone who could listen
And not for once glisten with judgment
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
But dear paper, dear handsome pen…. may ask…
What is it to be human???

I think that in the end we would rather keep our pain than jump at a chance for joy....

We would rather hate than forgive and forget because forgiving makes it "ok".

We would rather keep our own crosses than trade for anything else...

I would rather go home to a husband who bashes my face in and his gifts to me are a couple of broken bones and bruises than take a chance with this cold world....

Once you find someone who loves u.. love u in their own kind of way... everything seems OK, perfect even... because nothing hurts more than rejection and uncertainty... It has to hurt to be "Love" ,,, right CUPID?

Life stood on the far end of the room...
his gaze burned a hole through my empty soul
The silence was deafening.... until "he" asked..
"what is it you want from me".......
I then went on to name "peoples" dreams
Who should have what.. who deserves what
how much and why "they" deserve it..

All this time I never realized that in my own highway of dreams
In my own highway of hope and happily ever afters I carried  someones dream
I gave away my own so that "they" can have  it all.

The universe calls it love.. I call it weakness....
It took away everything ,,,,,I dont know who I am anymore
I dont know what I want anymore.... But what I know is that ,,,,
"Love" is no more because it robbed me.,

I look at the pale figure that lay before my eyes and I cringe with sheer hate.
I stare in disgust awe as I think of a million ways not to be here.
She stares at me and smiles, for a moment I do not notice it.

The mask she wears is perfect, it was her second skin.
She makes pain look more appealing than that love story ending.
Darkness hoovers over her because it lusts after her soul.
Thoughts that run through her mind have no bounds

She stands at the cold alter, waiting upon death.....
The cold blade against her skin reminds her of the love to come..
She then digs deeper and deeper,,,,,, till she is home... free @ last..
Free from hating, free from everyone... free... just free....

As the day dawns on me so do my scars
They now retreat back into my pale skin
I then see deception entering the room
I welcome him with opens arms

This is a man I have missed...
These are the lies I have yearned for because I have been loosing sleep
Never have I been so in love, never have I been so content
Never have I seen such a strong grip by lust nor death

Preacher sold me lies today in church...
he stood there and said there is "happiness"
but I ask thee, I ask the deceptive figure that lay before me
Is it happiness or simply deception that keeps us going..

Some call it faith, fate, hope ,persistence, perseverance... all those names
But I know its true form, I know its true nature
Its deception.. it creeps every time....
Because we cant accept it we call it "Names"

I have found comfort in random places
I found love in the sharpest places
I am a man and I can lie

A girl trapped in a glass house
I wear a mask to hide all the pain
I do not fantasize about boys and six packs
I lust for death and its warm embrace
I guess it could offer me peace ..
It could offer me closure like these scars on my arms

I hate it when these "strangers" shed tears for me
I hate it when these people pity me
They say its because they love me
But I dont feel it....

There is no love, who could love ...
Darkness gave birth to me,,, she then left me to rot in hell
I now walk among these "happy" souls who believe lies to get thru the day
And sometimes I need to bleed so that I can check if I am truly human
Because in this glass house, time and space are no more....

Cupid wants his arrow back because he said love dont love me
I dont get intoxicated by spells  that have the hearts of cold men
I guess I am different, unique or whatever ...
we all need to believe in something to get through the day.
we all tell ourselves lies, love those who will never love us back
in the end,we are all alone. Just like cupid.

I dont wake up with intentions to ruin ur day or break the promises that i made. I wake up with intentions to be that bit of happiness in a bad day that you are having. I can go only that far, because thats how far you let me into your world, thats how far "this" goes.

These big wallls that sorround you are made of concrete that i cant break down, barriers that make me look like the bad person. I only push you to your limits because I want to see you explode, see you break down so that atleast you would let me in to help you pick up the pieces.

I am not a fragment of your past that keeps on appearing into your new future, stop treating me like i wont understand because whats the point of me playing all my cards while you have stacks hidden up your sleeve? Its a long shot but for "this' to work, you have to take it.

I dont want to be the reason why you cry urslf to slip everynyt, waking up the next morning with a fake smile. I will admit to my mistakes and imperfections because they are flaws that resurface only because i try too hard to make u smile or make U remember enough not to forget me.

I guess i got hooked on the happy ending part and i forgot about the happy beginning.I want everyday to end with a smile , not a fake smile. i want everyday to end with an I LOVE YOU  not as a "formality" but an authentic feeling that you genuinely have.

I will never be perfect but let me be perfect for you, teach me how to make you happy, how to make the day end with a smile, because seeing you happy is what completes a day for me...

I don't care what you did in your past, what  I  care about is now; the present, this moment were its just you and me.

I am not saying I am not hurt by the fact that you may be in pain, what I am saying is that loving you is my goal. All these other mistakes that are in the way are just trials that I will pass, i have been spending time with love and feel like I should give you a piece.

God knows you need it more than I do, I  need you to smile so that i can smile. I need to you to love so that I too can love. I wont pause such a moment that reminds me of the painful reality, what i would freeze is the moments were you smile, even if its just a fraction of a second in my own dreams.

I am not asking for the world, i am not asking for money, i am  not asking that you have to look like a Brad Pitt or be the Beyonce of the world: what i am asking is for, what i am asking is to love you, plain and simple as you will allow it, even just for today before god turns off the lights.

Today is the fifth day that I waited at the gate for my dad, oh wait,, its not five,, I lost count..I  am no time traveller but I feel like I am little girl trapped in a woman's body.  

My dad left, he didnt die, there is no other side of the story. There is only one, he abandoned me. Man I thought it was the end of the world till "he" swept me off my feet, come on now, I do knw better. I dont do fairy tales but for "him" I would.

For "him" I would believe in anything in a heart beat.When I am in "his" arms I feel the love I never had, funny enough I feel content ... I hang onto him a bit longer, hug "him" a bit harder, I am sure "he" is close to choking but what the hell... I've got to make sure "he" is real,,

Thoughts rush through my cerelebral hemisphere, oh! thats a term I learned at Bio 101, when they taught me about how I was my made... "he" said if it was deeper that the last time, then the rush will be 10 times than the last time.


"he" said when it gushes out like that, I am only a drop away of seeing my dad rush back. Now I know,  I have a father... I have a dad.. he never left,,, he is coming, "he" promised....

I somewhat used to enjoy my own company , the emptiness of the cold room reminded me of what "is", it kept me in check i suppose. I had dinner with death as we drowned our sorrows together, me ******* about what perfect way to end it all while death listened in disgusted awe, because I was  flirting with something he couldnt have:LIFE. At that point he wanted to be  me and I, him...

He whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he convinced me otherwise... He said the time was not yet right. Truth is I   love him ,  so I listened. He then showed me a different way, truth is he gave me a friend no one could be..... the cold blade against my skin felt like silk,, it moved swiftly ..... it cut deeply.. like the pain that I had,,, death said its better to wear it on the outside..... he said it will be a magical picture to witness on our wedding night, when i submit to him.....When i finally become him and he , me.

I watch you sleep everytime..... for hours on end I just stare at you. I replay scenes in my mind of "us"..

I get carried away with you being mine to the point were I loose touch with reality.. you are on the other side and I from another.....

We are the typical Romeo and Juliet ending.. atleast that's what I used to think,,, till I jumped in front of bullet for you and you called me insane,, I call it love, toxic love..
I need a piece of you in you life.. People get their "Fix" from caffeine and whatever, my "fix" is you..

So tonight let me watch you sleep and lets forget about the woman next to you , the woman who is the mother of you three kids,, the woman who I will never be,,, because this is what I term as intoxicating lust..

I keep hoping that this god will answer my prayers..
I wonder....
and

   wonder.....

Why does he keep me alive when  all I have is pain? I watched my mother walk out on me at the age of One.... I needed my father and he was only a figure in some stupid fairy tale book.. I need you to hold me in your arms,,
for once I want to admit that I am not okay. for once I want take off this mask....

for once I want to admit that I enjoy this pain, for once I want this sharp blade to love me even harder,,, deeper and in more ways that my other could not..... stay here with me and be a father that I desperately needed.....

I dont see stars in the sky,,, all I see is darkness , pain and suffering,,,, There was never a happy ending,, only a fragment of your imagination because you could not take the pain and for once know the meaning of pleasure..

I am man with no hope for I don't believe in stupid fairy tales
Pardon my lack of emotion but I have seen it all.
I used to wait for my dead at  the gate, hoping that someday he might just pop outta nowhere...


I waited and waited.. till It hit me.. Life is only what you perceive it to be.
There is no rainbow in the sky, nor a **** *** of gold at the end ..
there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. only worse.

But then let me tell you of a father who taught me truth...
let me tell you of a father who gave me real toys not these stupid plastic models that i use to desire. He pulled me into the darkness and that is where I found my light,,, I tattooed his name across my skin and I felt uttermost love like the one i see in chick flicks.

I talk to my father every night.. he keeps on asking me when am I coming home, because paradise is only a heartbeat away.... I then tel him,,,, any minute now father,, any minute..