Why do you say I'm mysterious.
If you took the time
you'd see this book is as wide open
as the sky and stars above.

The city is windy,
today.  
Certainly noisy, everyday,
Compared to my country life.

Tall buildings glimmer,
Streets boisterous with sounds  of people and machines.
Excitement!
Opportunity!
Urgency!

Country life, by comparison,  stiller,
Slo wer,
Ex pan sive.

Both are good
I tell myself.
I am still flexible,
I tell myself.

Then, verily it dawns on me,
with unfamiliar panic and relief,
that my stretching-bending days are over.

I want to ride
like the wind
to where my being has
despite itself,
taken root.
Where the nomad has
inadvertently pitched
A more permanent tent.

30 years after roaming
ill-suited ground
my Restless Soul
was cleverly tricked
to settle
where nature,
in all her glory
and quiet magnificence,
crowds the land.

Amen.

nothing can express well enough
the hatred stewing in my blood
for the anger
that pours out of your
poisonous eyes.

that ugly clenched jaw and
pathetic clenched fist
which threaten me face to face
every time you hear me talk back.

apparently, speaking and
defending myself is considered
"interrupting"
and deserves your unholy wrath.

acid
entering my veins,
your violent being
slithers inside my pours..
Like an invisible snake

which will,
one day,
turn on you
vengefully
with its
very real,
venomous
tongue.

It came gently,
Like a leaf
undulating
after a gust of wind
breaks it loose.

An ebb and flow
As step by step
it became crystal clear
this long awaited tryst
Would not take place.

Like a delicate leaf
gracefully spiralling
to its resting place,
I took defeat in stride.
head high,
my pride not arrogance,
but an appropriate
Ladylike shield.

You were perfect..gentle
and a man.
That is, after all, why
though dry to the touch
I hold a flame to you still.

You placed me gently
on the bed
where other casualties
of love and fantasy
turn to dust
through time's
compassionate touch.

Yet hope I harbor
in my hardened veins still..
gentle like a hummingbird's heart beat,
pathetic as a defeated gambler,
that this affair will revive itself.  
That the let down,
final for now,
Is not forever.

Until then I heave a restful sigh
And bid you well, secret love.
farewell!  
farewell fragile, unharnessed dream.

Crunch!

Someone just kicked a cat
Sent him flying!

###%#?>>%#

He's resilient!
Thank god..
But not my heart.
It went racing down
a slippery *****.
Pain
Fear
Legs turned to jelly!
My morning balloon burst..
Limp with silenced doubt
Mad with seething hate.

####

This morning,
On this shared highway,
From one moment to the next
Your lack of control led to a -s-p-l-i-t-

A sudden veering down an unknown exit
onto a cold one way street.
Don't ever, ever kick my cat.

A sea of inspiration
Awaits us
Beyond this dark horizon

Be not shy ..
Lift the veil
And let the blinding light
In.

It wasn't so much
aspiration
But bitter sweet discovery
that brought me to your shores.

When talking gets you nowhere
Silence will have to do

I see them every day...
The ladies in my community
who have been young mothers.
Those who forsook youth
to embody motherhood
maybe too soon.
If you look closely you can
see written on their faces
that they may have missed out ...somewhere.
 "where did time go..
Was I cheated somehow?"
Learning the hard way.
Didn't get a chance to love themselves first!
------
Now, years later,
I see their yearning to play,
be free and young,
dance and sing,
Feel beautiful and be loved.

I see them every day,
These sisters and mothers,
young at heart,
whose bodies betray their young spirit and
Unfulfilled adolescent desires.

And I would want any young girl
I meet
To know that before she
Takes on the awesome burden
Of bringing new life to the planet
She must birth herself first.
And in so doing taste the freedom,
wisdom and art of
Self Love
And only then become
The Sacred Mother..
Or Not!

You're there..
I'm here.
And though I'm no longer a kid
I daydream,
sometimes,
Of how nice it would be
to leave my life for a while
And be with you.
-
We would explore each other
In person
Instead of over the phone
Or so often in my head.
I would get to taste your beauty
Instead of imagining it..
get to feel your
touch
Instead of fantasizing
how your
feverish skin would feel
against mine
in the sweet dark night.
Imagine!
The only sound we'd hear
Would be of hearts pounding
against the gentle embrace of a dimly lit sky.
I'd like my thoughts to linger there
Mmmm...
forever in that sweet spot of
heavenly bliss
-
Won't you join me,
private lover,
In this sanctified reverie.
I know I Am
the ultimate "loveress" of your dreams
I would show you,
generously and gracefully,
If only fate would give us a chance.
-

Fiery Passion
Turns to Stone Cold Stalemate,
10 years after

I'll never forget the way you looked
As you stood with your back to me
No defenses - no walls
Painting with such care
And so much love
as I peaked through the French doors.
You didn't hear me
as I opened the door
Because you have chosen to exit the world
Slowly
First by losing interest in hearing
And then in forgetting short term nonsense,
Preferring to live in the glorious past..
You were painting for me,
My once most picture perfect Mother.

Now with hat and shorts and torn shirt,
and not giving a care in the world
For how you appear
And I could see, in that moment,
Your immense love for me
And I knew it was there from the very beginning,
And that despite scars of our
mythical mother daughter battles,
it would never be lost
Or ever forgotten
And my heart broke
For the millionth time
Into millions of Pieces
For I understood then
That love between mother and daughter
is greater than
Time and life Itself.

Traded in my dreams for
A house and garden
So you could sit at my table and
Dine with me,
Beloved.

Before,
I was just a guest
Lost in your house.

Now
You and I
Can sit face to face
And see each other
Through the veil
Of searching and dreams,
For the very first time.

LA,
You're like a shoe
Which just doesn't fit me.
Not before and not now.
I want to confess
I never loved you and never will.
Let others admire your charms and games
Your deceptions and dark turns.

Your valley runs deep and deviant
your ocean, vast and wild.
Your infinite net may catch the light
That elusively blinds
But I promise I'll never fall for your illusions
Again.
Even when your skies are bright blue
And your warm wind whispers
"don't ever give up on your stupid stupid dreams..."

Now if I could release my family and friends from your
Tight and tormented grip,
We could end up calling it a truce
One day

pointless
to ponder anymore.
The time for action is nigh!
move forward regardless of
what's wrong
with the world.
Sickened by petty problems and pitiful personalities.
Just act!
maybe the wheels of time
Will march in our favour.
If we're lucky
Even nature could decide to join our crusade
And we might surface triumphant!
Whatever you do,
Promise to keep walking
while in this,
Our deep illusory self made hell

But When I said I needed
an ******* on my side
It was in the city of Angels
Where pit bulls are sported like
handbags
And ******* make you money
'cause they rip to shreds
Whatever stands in your way.
I didn't mean
Here
In  Paradise
Where my dream
Lays dead at my feet.
And there's nothing left to fight for.
Please
Don't fight me here.
Because with your ******* ways
On more than one beautiful day,
All you've done
is fought your way
Right out of
my heart.

All the Self Help books
Were wrong.
You are only
Palatable to me
When drunk

This is the time of year
When lights and colors and dreams
Are rolled into one big ball
And if we're lucky
we get to exchange
Bits of ourselves
Under a tree,
Around a hearth
Or Maybe a table set with care..
So choose wisely
When you give
And let it be of you
And not scraps
From outside
Designed for the masses.
Rather get homemade pastries
And chocolate fudge from
Your kitchen
Than a box of emptiness wrapped in a bow
Please don't go out of your way
Just give me some of you.

You are at a safe distance from me
But if I had it my way
We would breathe the same electric air
And there would be no space
between sultry surface
where skin meets skin.
You are at a safe distance from me
And my imagination alone
acts for me.
But if I had it my way
You would be here now
And I would ravage you
with my passion.
For your beauty,
In a world I've long scrutinized,
Is unprecedented.  
Yes, your beauty is  like a shiny sword
I would gladly surrender to..
Because Your kind of beauty,
Though perfectly displayed in your
Greek God- like countenance,  
Is Real and beyond skin deep.
It may be a good thing
you are at a safe distance from me.
For if you were here,
I would devour you whole.

How easy it can be
To forget
What our deepest pain was like.
Yet
it changed us forever.

Really only knew you from your posts
On Facebook
That made me smile or
Made me cringe at times
Or made me curious.
A family man
But seemingly alone
Two teenage daughters
Apparently who you'd see rarely.
I didn't pry too much.
Just saw your presence through the stream
Of news feeds. Every other day..
Only A picture or two of you
Otherwise generic public images
With short proverbs
Or offensive religious posts..
I know your father.
But again, I didn't pry
it seems there was little contact between you.
Today, as the dawn broke,
I saw you'd left.
Just an image of you, shades on,
With RIP, JS (same initials as my long gone timeless love)
Too young to leave.
Didn't know you were ill?
No, reading the comments I discover
it was not a sickness,
Just another day, outside
While chopping down a tree.
That came down on you with massive force.
The blow was delivered by nature at least..
And in that there may be some comfort
I hope
For the loved ones you leave behind.
And perhaps an opening for love to return
To you and your dad.
Who I know to be a most sensitive soul.
And Who I'm sure is quietly shedding a river of tears
For a son who left the world so suddenly,
Just 10 hours ago.
On a winter day while chopping down a tree.

There are moments
When nothing
Is the key
To getting back to everything

today i couldn;t hold it in any longer
i said my piece
it didn't go well
Now I'm facing the
Chill i knew would arrive
like ice on fire
Frozen Lump in throat
Peering over the abyss
Shattering All illusion of
Peace
Or  security
Or civility
Like A dam giving way
But instead of
bursting forth
this water is jagged ice.
For now,
Suspended in descent
we are
in
Deep
Freeze

I loved you in Life
like I love you in Death
Through and through
As you took your last breath
"I love you Josh"
"I love you too, we'll talk later okay?
Would be our last words ever
That Cursed Saturday

I was unaware of the secret you kept
Exhausted I lay on my bed and slept
Waking up to a nightmare about to begin..
Oh no! How could it be?
Josh committed a sin..

He's crazy He's mad!
I begin to say
As I fell to the ground and started to pray
For forgiveness and understanding
For both you and me,
I had to respect his decision you see.

Now worlds apart where moments before
The future held promise of so much more
Now I know you're in a better place
But I'd trade it all for your embrace..

Fly high in the sky my Peter Pan!
Somehow I'll join you, if I can
I wish you could fetch me
If just for a while,
And together we'd travel the heavens in style!

But when the dream subsides
And the truth 's too much to bare
I'll remember what we had was so very rare

They say good things don't last
But that may be a lie,
My love for you is immortal!
It never will die

outside it's browns and greys
Inside an orange glow permeates,
skimming the surface
a Ravel march serenade.
the scent of burning pumkin.
You're in the garden planting tulips for
Spring.
when it arrives,
will kindness bloom anew
alongside the rows of colour..
or will we witness the beauty out there
Separately?

Sitting here
Despite The sound of the fan blaring constantly,
Sasha to my right,
The Silence wraps  around me.
I am content
I have put aside
So much of myself
That I no longer question
Why you,
Why me,
Why anything..
I am simply allowing
All that is.