I don't think I
have felt love for
far longer than I
care to admit,
so what have I
been doing all
these years?

It took a lot of
courage to tell you that I
am far from okay

5:10 AM
16/12/19

Dear diary;
this world is
falling to pieces-
I can see it on my screen
and I can hear it outside
my window.

Dear diary;
Today I came to
the realization that
I can probably count on one hand
the people who know anything
about me in real life.
If you are reading this,
I doubt you're
one of them.

You cannot
miss what never existed,
right?

All too often can I
count with one hand,
the number of those
who care to ask-
"How are you?"
And much lesser of those
who honestly want to
hear my answer.

When did these walls I
built around myself become
a self-made prison?

4:39 PM
30/5/22

You want me to stay silent,
but how can I?
I cannot do it anymore.
There are emotions,
there is blood,
there is love
that cannot be silenced
and one day she will understand.

Don't be my regret,
be my only memory
and my only love

9:20 PM
16/11/19

Maybe
you will be
the unexpected
message in my inbox
tonight or
maybe it's just
more wishful
thinking.

The greatest men are
the most alone... at least that's
what I tell myself

9:20 PM
27/10/20

You didn't recoil from my touch,
you didn't run from my soul,
you just didn't want me
the way I wanted you.

I don’t need a
thousand red roses.
You're a blue rose-
the only one I want.

The night is solitary,
not sadness.
It is the embrace of the moon
that makes for good company rather
than the unforgiving sun.
These neon lights will not fade,
nor the city ambience-
the soundtrack to my nights.
Once again,
I find myself with a bottle in hand
as the dying dusk comes and goes-
I sigh.

All too often,
we lust for the
face of beauty
rather than fall in love
with the soul
of the being.

I don't know what to
say to you except that I
lost my heart to you

10:22 AM
29/1/22

Some of us
favor our solitude
over the company of others.
We seek out silence like
the moon seeks out the night
because there are days when
our stars burn out and
running from the sun is
the only way to protect
their glorious glow.

I jumped into
the sea of your love
even though I couldn’t swim well.
The last thing I remember
was when I sank
tied to your heavy heart.

Loving you was a battlefield,
and a paradise.
The many masks you wore–
all those changing faces.
I never knew which one
you were coming home wearing.
One day you love me,
the next day hate me.

To write by your hand
is to write with your heartbeat
in your fingertips

5:52 PM
21/12/22

Am I over it?
Not really.
Will I survive?
Probably.

The soul does not reside in the chest,
it resides in the brain,
perceiving reality
through the lens
we call our mind.

What hurts more:
Hearing the truth or
ignoring it?

One step forward,
two steps back.
Reality is a tough place to live-
it is also a tough
place to leave.

Sometimes it's okay to disassociate,
to tune out the world and be sad.
Go for a walk, put on some music,
do what you need to do
to ease the pain.
Remember,
there is no rush
for this is what it means
to be human.

Can you understand my hesitation?
No one has loved me as you have.
You give me everything and expect nothing in return.
My happiness seems to be your primary goal
and for that I am forever grateful.
Still, some days are harder than others.
I try not to let the pain and the heartbreak
get in the way but old habits die hard.
We all deserve to be loved, don't we?

It is as rare as it is wonderful
to find someone with a beautiful mind,
and better yet, a beautiful heart.
But it is also as tragic as it is wonderful
to discover that who you thought had both,
had neither all along.

What if a dream
of someone is bought on
by that person thinking
about you?

Let me mirror my sun
into your sunflower
and weave my sunlight
into your petals.

She led me
to her distant world,
a strange yet ethereal land.
I had never gazed upon
such beauty
all around me.
Was it heaven?
No, it was all her.

Yes,
it hurt,
but not so much
for what you did,
but because of your dishonesty.
You ran away with the moon
and blamed it on the sun.
You left me in
the dark.

Maybe we met too young.
Maybe at that time,
we didn’t know how to love each other right.
Do you think if we met years from now,
we would be right for each other?
If five years from now,
you decide that you miss me,
there’s a strong chance I’d take you back.

Dear diary;
I have always felt this disconnection
with the rest of the world, with society,
but that is nothing new.
I thought I would have overcome it by now,
but sadly, that is not the case.
It has lingered over me for as long
as I can remember and I have never
felt more alone than right now.
This alienation to everyone I meet,
who have loved me and those I loved
leaves me with an inescapable shame.
I still have not found myself
and I don't think I ever will.

Why are there so
many broken hearts?
What sort of world are we
living in where so many of us
feel unloveable and so
utterly alone?
I keep having to remind myself
that I am not the only one,
that there are other
broken hearts
in this valley
we call
life.

Sylvie
is deceptive
to the eye and I
am left with nothing
but my imagination.

my love for you has evolved-
it doesn’t tear me apart
anymore
or leave me lonely,
but it doesn’t make for
great company either.

The love we share could
melt away the ice that has
frozen this old heart

3:57 PM
4/2/21

There ain't nothing like them,
is there?
A gentle reminder that
I have survived
the cold and gloom
for one more
year.

It does not take a
thousand cuts, but a well-placed
wound upon a heart

10:55 AM
19/2/23

Dear diary;
at the end of the day,
I have no one to blame but myself
for this wall I have built
to keep everyone else
out.

You are my chai-
there is nothing as sweet
or as warming as you.
I need you every morning
to get me through the day
and each night to grant me
the sweetest of dreams.

This mind is a bed of roses
of harrowing memories
that burn these petals.
A storm surrounds me
in this everlasting winter
and one-by-one,
these roses wither and die.  
I hope those that remain
will survive long enough
to see a sun that may never dawn.

How can I make you
love the emptiness inside
of me once again?

8:53 PM
7/11/19

There is a song in
my heart that only you know
the melody to

5:43 PM
22/2/23

This sunflower can't
stand this garden it had no
choice but to grow from

8:17 PM
8/11/21

If I did not travel to that country,
If I did not attend that class,
If I did not take that job,
I would have missed out
on the best moments of my life.
But as grateful as I am,
I sometimes wonder
how many people I never met,
all the places I never went
if I had chosen a different path
and all of the memories
I would have instead.

You are the warmth from
the sun for all these blooming
flowers in my heart

10:47 PM
14/5/23

Depression is a black cat
stalking you throughout the day,
quietly lurking in the shadows,
never knowing when it will strike.

Just because I still
dream about you, that does not
mean I want you here

11:13 AM
2/7/22

We try so hard to
be perfect even though it
crushes us inside

4:02 PM
23/9/20