It tasted good
So many flavors
I truly enjoyed it
I enjoyed food

I loved it until I thought of my body
Then my stomach lurched
It coiled and warped
My hunger retreating
After only two bites
I couldn’t force any more down

I hated the feeling
I hated that I couldn’t do it
I hated the food

But what I hated most
Was my brain
For forcing me to think like this
I did it subconsciously
Not on purpose
Never on purpose

It was all my brain

An unfamiliar feeling
Almost like bubbles in my stomach
Fireworks in my brain

Laughter comes easily
Jokes slide off my tongue
Drunk on the feeling

Summer days
Long car rides
Music blasting
Bringing the strange feeling
Filling the air I breathe

Confidence
Love
The purest joy
Feeling as high as the stars in the sky

Better than a cigarette
Or any drug
The bursting
Euphoric feeling
Of true happiness

She is bright and happy,
Lighting up the room-
Living like she’s caught in a reverie,
Navigating the twists of life
As though it was easy.
Enrapturing everyone with her flawlessness.

But she covers her sorrows with that cheer
Hiding the struggle, the quiet pain.  
Her clandestine ways fooling everyone.

Nobody notices,
The way she cries herself to sleep.
The way she can’t look in the mirror.
The way she exists in a world of darkness-
An inescapable shadow on her life.

She glows.
She breaks.
She laughs.
She cries.

I am her.
And she is me.

I put a spell on you
Convinced you I was fine
Told you how happy I was
Lived like the sun still shone bright
Like the stars hadn’t dimmed
I didn’t let you see
The darker side
The crying late at night
The constant checking in the mirror
The skipping meals
The constant stress
The last flicker of light,
Blinking out
I promised I was good
Promised that the world was not ending
I put a spell on you
So that you wouldn’t see

I’m drowning and nobody can hear
I’m suffocating but nobody sees
I’m slowly dying
But not a soul is there to witness it
I’m alone
In a room full of people
My heart is shattered and strained
From loving too much
Love without reciprocation
They see me but they don’t see who I am
What I feel
I spent every wish and piece of luck
Wishing they wouldn’t leave me
Even though I’m drowning
And they’re not there to pull me out

I packed up my life
Uprooting all I had known
Loss like a knife
On a plane all alone

Only luggage I had
Harsh words in my mind
Not lovely, but sad
Unlike most words I find

They say time will heal
I’m not sure it will
I left, but I feel
I carry it still

Christmas used to be cookies,
Left out for Santa
Christmas used to be hanging ornaments,
Collected over the years
Christmas used to be waking up early,
Trying to catch Santa in the act
Christmas used to be real trees,
Piled high with presents
Christmas used to be family,
Happiness, safety, and home
Christmas is now saving money,
To buy enough presents for everyone
Christmas is now plastic ornaments,
Because the old ones aren’t at this house
Christmas is now sleeping late,
The only break from life you get
Christmas is now carrying in the fake tree,
Leaving small gifts that mean nothing
Christmas is now disappointing,
Just faint memories, forgotten traditions
What Christmas used to be
Different now-
But we still pretend it’s the same

I had a piggy bank when I was young
Cheap, easy to break
It cracked once,
But my dad could fix it
He could always fix it
He sealed it up to look brand new
Eventually it was thrown out
It was too broken,
Couldn’t be fixed

I’m the piggy bank
So many cracks that are just sealed shut
But glue doesn’t always hold
Sometimes things creep through the cracks
I’ve been fixed,
But never enough
People only see the outside
They don’t see the breaks
Ones that have been hidden
When will I get to the point,
When I’m just not worth fixing?

I cover my tears
Masks made of too bright smiles
My eyes hold tears of sadness,
Though they see them as tears of joy
I drown my thoughts with lyrics
When they become to much to bear
I talk too freely,
laugh too loud,
Just to cover up the silence
The darkness clouds my brain,
My thoughts,
my feelings
I hide my pain with my humor,
But the jokes feel empty when I’m alone
The silence screams louder than I ever could
And I can’t say it out loud
I know they would laugh it off
Or tell me:
“That’s not you”

Fighting in the kitchen
Fighting behind closed doors
Screaming matches they won’t even hide
Threats of leaving
Who knows who said it first?
They were never happy,
So we weren’t either.

Then they split
Split months,
Split holidays,
Split lives
Two houses
Two parents
Two versions of me
Two influences in my head
Telling me who to blame
Who to trust.

I became a peacekeeper,
Messenger, translator,
Or liar

Clothes kept in bags
Packing up pieces of my life every week
Moving back and forth,
But I’m stuck in between
Just me,
Pretending I’m okay-
Trying to stay whole

I’m like this because of them.
So much was happening.
I had no one.
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t share.
It’s too late now.
They’re there but it doesn’t help,
I’m too far gone.

It makes me dream for something
But now I don’t know if it’s possible
I just want love
And happiness,
A perfect family
What is it like to feel whole?
What is it like to not have a broken family?

I want to tell someone
I want to be proud
But I’ll just be a joke
I don’t want to feel bad
I can’t help it
I’m happy with myself
I want to be happy with others but I can’t
Because they’ll just make it a joke

I love her,
But she says things like
“Oh no, a 97. Are u going to cry?”
I’ll bite my nails til they bleed
Stay silent

But, it’s like-
yeah.
maybe I will.

She embarrasses me.
She ignores me.
She always stands up for him —
but she wouldn’t do it for me.
She makes stupid little comments
that shouldn’t affect me.

If she only knew
She doesn’t even notice.
She doesn’t even care.

And yet I still forgive her.

Why does she have to be like that?

Bad day
Bad week
Bad month
Bad year
Bad…life?

Suffocating silence

Lonely
I am alone

They are there-
But they don’t even know

The weight of the world on my shoulders

Is it just me?

It can’t just be me…

The monster used to be under the bed-
Now it hides in the mirror.
The glass is intact,
But it cuts deeper than anything.

Chapstick used to be the only cosmetic you owned-
Now makeup covers your face.
Meant to hide a million imperfections,
Ones only you can see

Drawings used to be on the paper-
Now they are all over your wrists.
Made not with crayons, but with a knife.
A way to feel, to hurt.

Dessert used to be a reward after dinner,
Now it disgusts you.
A punishment,
Causing horrible thoughts to boil over.

The monster follows you,
Out of the mirror-
Every day,
In your mind.

Inescapable.

She isolated me
Left me completely alone
With no one to help me,
Through the tough years

I gave and I gave
With nothing in return.
She made me abandon the ones I loved
I hurt them for her
I left them out,
Feeling proud,
As I watched them walk away

I never saw it then,
The toxicity
Seeping into my every thought
I called it loyalty,
Poor innocent me

She never gave me all her attention
I sought it out, craving it.
Honestly,
My stupidest mistake

What is truly love?
A bold show of affection?
Or pure emotion?

A compliment,
Or a jab-
Slowly,
Tearing my mind.

Good thoughts,
Stripped away,
Replaced with
Horrible ideas
Of how my body should look.

The mirror becomes a threat.
Words like hourglass,
Skinny and thin-
Swirl and boil in my head.

Obsession,
How could I?
Look like them?

The rush slices me open-
Spills my guts

Working out in my room
Starving myself
For the summer ***
That never felt like mine

My broken heart burns
Memories infiltrating
The hardest to heal

Yesterday - a funny word
Holding so much meaning,
Impact.

Sometimes yesterday lingers,
Following me home after dark.

I don’t want to feel like that again-
The heart breaking,
Gut wrenching,
Want to die.
Death,
So close yet so far away.
Almost scary,
Or…
Relief.

But here I am again.
The next day.
Waking from a horrible nightmare,
A cruel trick of the mind.

I sit in silence,
Though my thoughts scream loud
It’s not peace - it’s  exhaustion.

Will it pass?
Maybe tomorrow.

They tell me tomorrow holds promises,
But I don’t see them.
I don’t believe in miracles,
But I might believe in maybe.

I didn’t want tomorrow,
But I opened my eyes.
They call it trying-
I call it surviving.

Another sunrise I didn’t ask for,
Another breath I didn’t choose,
Same ache,
But different.

Because I’m still here

Sometimes I stop eating,
just to see if they’ll notice.
Food becomes disgusting-
A horrible punishment,
A twisting of my mind and stomach.

I don’t hate food
I know I need it
Yet I still throw it away,
Hide the meal I never ate

Would they care?
If they saw the untouched plate?

I tell myself I’ll eat tomorrow.
I told myself that yesterday.

I know this isn’t kindness,
to myself.
I know this isn’t strength
It’s just a call for help.

Some days,
I just want someone to notice.
Notice what’s happening.
Notice me.

A weighted question.
A right answer,
And a true answer.

I would say-
I’m doing great.
I have friends and family.
I have a home.
I have security.

But honestly?
I’m doing horrible.

My mind creates demons-
Ones I can’t face, even in daylight.

The simple joys of childhood are no more.
My friends are fading.
My family hurts me-
Words slicing deep into my heart.

I have a broken home.
Only half my family ever there.

I feel alone.
I feel scared.
The allure of death
Waits at every corner.

Life is desolate.
My heart, my brain, my soul-
They just can’t take it anymore.

But I will never answer honestly.
“I’m doing great”

100 percent effort
100 percent of the time
100 for all my grades
100 hours of work
100 times I was the best
Perfection.
100 percent depression
100 percent of the time
100 nights I didn’t sleep
100 hours of crying
100 masks I wear every day
Perfection?
100 percent expectation
100 percent on display
100 forced smiles
100 ways I hide the pain
100 versions of myself
Perfection…

When they talk
It’s an inside joke
“You wouldn’t understand”
They say while they giggle together
When you ask to hang out
There’s an excuse
“Sorry I’m busy”
They say while you watch them together
When they talk about a group chat
But you aren’t on it
“We must have forgotten”
They say while they keep texting each other
When they bring up memories
But you weren’t a part of them
“You must have been sick”
They say while they plan to hang out again without you
When they forget your birthday
But they’ve planned presents for each other’s
“I’ll bring your present tomorrow”
They say while they haven’t thought once about it
You are forgotten
You are left out
You are always the second choice-
death by a thousand dismissals

life is a tree-
it grows,
grows,
grows,
but then it falls
or breaks
or splinters into a million pieces
those million pieces are salvageable,
sometimes.
when they aren’t they rot,
rot,
rot
a rock hits the tree
and the bark falls away,
leaving the tree bare and unprotected
the weather and the world fight to pull it down
the tree stands tall,
sometimes.
when it doesn’t it will rot,
rot,
rot
broken and battered-
splintered

I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I wasn’t there for you
I’m Sorry I didn’t care
I’m Sorry I pushed you away
I’m Sorry I listened to them
I’m Sorry I left you

I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I had you do it alone
I’m Sorry I made you hurt
I’m Sorry I couldn’t help you through
I’m Sorry I made you stop sharing
I’m Sorry I am the way I am

I’m Sorry, Sorry, Sorry

You are the happy friend.
You seek compliments but you don’t believe them.
You can’t be the messed up friend because they have it worse.
You can’t compare because they won’t see it as bad as it is.
You are the happy friend.
You are the funny friend.
You are the safe friend.
You let them vent, you let them share.
You take the burden so they don’t have to. You carry their weight-
adding to yours.
You don’t let them see.
They check in with you but you know you can’t say anything.
You can’t trust them with your feelings. They don’t need more on their plate.
They can’t handle it, but you can.
You can’t be delicate.
You can’t be hurt.
You are unbothered.
Because you are the happy friend.