I don't speak my thoughts, I only write them down,
Only because I can't speak out loud.
When I speak, I stutter, or barely make a sound.

-speaks my thoughts-
"I don't like that."
"No, you're right. I'm sorry."

Break me down for I am broken but I've been built up again.
Your strong force has held me up through the storms and the wind.
It's been a terrible hurricane season and I'm glad the sun decided to come out.

Oh love, you are mistaken, you are the sun itself.
You're the fortress that surrounds me,
You're the thing that's keeping me around.

Run me over because I'm falling and I'm not sure where I'll land.
My heart has been cut out of my body and has been placed gently in your hands.

Oh love, you are the world.
I would not harm you and if I could,
I'd set myself on fire just to feel your pain too.

Trace the outlines of my hands on your back,
Take me with you when you leave.
I want to be the whisper in your ears,
I want to be the wind blowing in your hair.

Follow my footsteps when I go home so you can follow me to my bed,
Take off my clothes and explore the fields inside my heart.
Take off your shoes and stay the night
I need you by my side.

Oh love, you may not know it but I am a fool for your eyes.
The way you smile reminds me of warm summer forests,
I could explore it for hours on end.

I love you,
Goodnight

I'd tell you I love you but I'm not sure if it will hurt me,
To open up like a window and let all the insects fly in once again.
For it took a while to get them out.
I do not like the chemicals from the fumigation,
And I surely don't like having these organisms inside of me.
But there is something about this weather we're having that is very tempting.
I feel myself letting go of all fears and inhibitions,
I feel myself opening my windows.
So if I let you in I know you will hurt me,
And if you come inside I know I might hurt you.
I might close the window while you are still flying in,
Snap you in half and nearly **** you,
But I at least let half of you inside.

You are the sliver of navy blue in my crimson and golden colored sky.
You might not be very noticeable, but without you the sunset would not be complete, and I could not properly transfer it onto a canvas.
You are the warm sun on a fresh spring afternoon.
I don't particularly like spring, but the glimmer of light is enough to put a smile on my face, and it may even make my day a bit brighter.
You are the mint after a cigarette.
Small, refreshing, and relieving.
You are the warm breath on soft skin,
The goodbye after a long day,
The hug you've long desired.
You are the sunrise, **** the sunset.
You're new and exciting.
You are the first droplet of rain.
You are the mistakes, the compromise, and the solutions all in one.
You are promising.
You are possibly the most magical thing I have ever seen.
You are possibly what I need.

There are things that **** us,
like cigarettes, bad food, and deodorants
But we still abuse them and take advantage of their existence.
There are things that help us,
Like parents, fitness, friends, and lovers
But they'll still **** us anyways.
Life is not life without death by its side and I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out why.
And if I **** myself with my tar filled lungs and tendencies to eat terrible things on the weekends,
Then so be it.
While you sit there and eat all of your organic greens and go to the gym three times a week,
You'll die just like the rest of us.
We all have things in common, things that bind us and things that blind us,
So why is it that our way to die is what defines us?

I tried watering a plant to find it was already dead
She spoke to god but found out his voice was only in her head
I cut my hair in hopes of reinventing my appearance
She sliced her wrists in hopes of losing her existence
I sang songs to the ocean hoping someone would hear me
She tied a rope around her neck trying to set herself free      
I washed my hands in hopes of making them clean
She often wonders what it's like to be buried 6 feet deep
The thing about death is that it's always on our minds,
It's just a matter who's ready for it and who's wishing for more time.

The snow can't hide your ashes
It can only bury them if you smoke the night before
So if I smoke in the morning, it's going to show.
I tried using it as an ashtray,
But the evidence was visible.
I felt bad for tainting the beautiful white glow.
I fell in love with the landscape,
Even more so when it was covered in white.
I fell in love with you face,
Even though I don't know where it's been.
I fell in love with the footsteps,
Walking to where I stand.
I fell in love with the rooftops,
And the people who let go.
So if I use my lungs as an ashtray,
I know my body is covered in snow.
I can use perfume to cover the evidence,
But only time will let me know
If this morning cigarette was worth it.
If the messages were worth it,
I'll probably never know.
So if you see my reflection,
In those snow covered hills,
Just remember it when my face was white and pure like the freshly fallen snow.
I can't keep falling
For people and landscapes,
But I can keep trying
If my lungs can withstand it.
So take my voice and remember it
For all that it was.
Take my heart and keep it
Away from the cold.

Your lips were a pinch of color smeared on a blank canvas
And I wanted nothing but to find the exact hue.
I clung to you like the know is clinging to the branches,
But I'll melt away eventually.
Your voice was like the melancholy tone of my old guitar,
I adored the sound but I always wanted more.

You and I, we are like cups of water.
People drink us when they need to feel clean,
They drink us when they need to feel satisfied.
They use us in recipes and to cleanse their bodies.
But never are we their favorite drink.
You are the water to my body.
You make up 75% of me.

The sun has hidden behind the clouds again
and I am questioning myself more than I ever have.
Who am I
Why am I here
Why is right now my time to be alive?
People come and go and I don't know why
Do they see through my exterior?
Do they know how torn apart I am
On the inside?

I can't help him when I can't even help myself anymore
Because days have turned into months and I'm just dying to crawl
Out of my skin and out of this world
it's full of sadness and carelessness and misery and doubt
And I had you back for a moment and now you're walking back out
And I can't keep apologizing for stupid little things
And giving people advice when all I need is an embrace
To let me know I am human and that it will all be okay
But I'm sinking in sorrow and the snow just keeps falling
And I can't help but wonder what would happen if I laid down on the ground
And let this white blanket consume me
Would I die and be reborn or
Become absolutely nothing

And I remember the places I saw when I was a child
The dark basements I explored with the cans on the counters
And the dust particles floating around that I thought were little world's within themselves.
I remember the smell of my mother's perfume and how it gave me instant comfort and the way I could make up stories in my head and replay them until I fell asleep.
I remember falling asleep was something I dreaded because I wanted to see it all.
I wanted to build world's with pieces of plastic and touch the faces of my parents and look at cans on counters and wonder how they got there.
I remember the car rides and I'd sit in the backseat and never question the destination or the dangers ahead of me.
I remember having absolutely no anxiety.
I remember visiting my aunt and not questioning her bizarre, compulsive tendencies.
I remember feeling happy and free.
And now I run away from dark basements because I can smell the mold and the dust floating around makes me nauseous.
I am scared of my future and make sure to find out every destination.
I'm aware of too much and too oblivious to care.
I was always a sick, miserable kid I guess I just was never aware.

You are the relentless force crushing and bearing down on my fragile shoulders
You are the shivering that remains long after being outside in the cold
You are the sweat that gets in your eyes after pleading that the room would just cool down for a moment
You are the dollar missing from my wallet when I go to order a coffee at the local cafe
You are the lost hours of sleeping catching up with me as I wake up each morning
You are the plague that haunts my mind
You are the shroud over my eyes, preventing me from seeing what I should
You are unnecessary
You are pointless
You are harmless
You keep me up at night
You make me dread being awake
You are crippling
You are me

I have learned that the earth is a beautiful place.
It is full of mystery, color, uniqueness, and vivid, lush life.
I feel honored as an individual to experience this world with a human mind and capability of thinking.
I feel blessed to be a human and able to fully comprehend my thoughts,
And reflect my feelings upon others,
In order to hopefully influence them to appreciate this knowledge as well.
However, as much as I feel blessed,
I do also feel disgusted and upset,
That the human race as a whole is capable of so much destruction and violence.
A majority of us are sick minded, and not capable of experiencing love for anything but themselves.
We must look past this thought,
And appreciate.
As living beings we must only appreciate and love,
And then we will gain full happiness.
As humans we can feel beautiful emotions,
Sense beautiful sensations,
And think of masterful things.
We can feel with such a vivid capability and yet none of us take a moment to actually appreciate that.
Humanity is beautiful, if we make it.
Humanity is disgusting, if we make it.
All my life I have appreciated the world and the universe with such an intense power that I have forgotten to appreciate myself.
I am hoping with time that I will be able to see that I myself,
Am a beautiful world within this world,
And finally be happy.

Intoxicate my lungs,
My body,
and my soul.
I want to fall in love with a person,
And feel their touch on my skin,
So I may no longer feel
So **** cold.

I want to be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love.
I'm not sure who,
But they look and smell a lot like you.

You consume me in pain and you know how to
And I'm not sure if it's more tragic that I give in to it,
Or that you torment me to begin with.
Because each time this happens to me I just take it like a stone,
Being pushed down a hill with no set destination.
I let you kick me and toss me,
Sometimes into a soft grassy area,
And others times into a cold body of water.
And I should be buoyant,
I should know how to float.
But I always thought porous, buoyant objects were the weakest.
So with that said I can tell you something about myself:
I thought that being heavy and dull would get me by.
But little did I realize that lighter objects,
Are able to soar through the air in a way I'll never know.
They can float and regain composure,
And eventually dry themselves off.
However, I'm just sinking.
Whether it be in a puddle, in mud,
Or to the bottom of a lake.
And from there, I will continue to sink,
Lower and lower,
Into the depths of the murky, grotesque, filth that coats the bottom of this lake.
And now I am here, in this pile of filth.
And you would think that I'd try and pick myself up,
That I'd attempt to make myself float,
But no.
Instead, I will rest here for eternity and make this **** my home.
I'll learn the names of each organism, and possibly help them grow.
I will pretend that it's fine,
When plant life grows on me,
And when I become the layer on the bottom of the lake.
And when it is time for me to perish,
I will accept this sentence with complete and utter confidence,
And already have the advantage of being halfway sunken underground,
So I can rest six feet under with ease.
Instead of being thrusted one last time,
Soaring through the air, basking in the knowledge that when I land I will perish.
No,
I am already here.
I have already accepted this fate.
And possibly, if you try to consume me once again,
In a fiery consumption of misery and despair,
I will not catch a flame.
For I am concerned in muck,
Wet, disgusting debris,
And am no longer flammable.

By nature, we are spiritual.
Humanity: we praise each other, we praise higher powers,
We worship idols, deities, money, and fashion.
I have no hope for us, anymore.
For we used to be spiritual and truly believe,
We used to see with eyes instead of lenses,
Touch with hands instead of phrases,
Love with meaning and not with numbers,
Pray to something other than computers.
We used to worship our earth and the land provided,
But now we just sink into seats of leather,
Use a remote and stare at moving pictures.
We are no longer innovative, intelligent, or simple,
Instead we are overflowing with unnecessary knowledge that only benefits our outer aesthetics.
We no longer think with our minds but with devices in our hands,
That not only think and talk for us but have become us.
We are no longer humans,
We are no longer animals.
We are fake, processed chemicals.
We might as well be genetically modified fruits.
We are programmed and brain washed
That our way of thinking is incorrect,
That we are unable,
That we are obsolete.
We are no longer humans but merely gods ourselves,
making us question everything including the existence of it all.
If we are truly beautiful creatures why is earth a living hell?
We are spiritual by nature but how can we believe
in anything when all we know is me?

You are a carnivorous plant
Seeking to consume any beautiful thing that comes near you.
Not for survival,
But for the mere thought of it.
Your brain is your host and your body feeds off it,
Even the thoughts that make your stomach sick,
But you continue because you feel you have to,
Because they tell you to.
So feed off me you vicious animal,
Tell me you need me only to drop my bones beside your feet
And lick your teeth clean.
I am nothing to you nor am I anything to myself,
I am nothing to everyone else.
So continue on your way and consume my every thought,
And I will regenerate myself just as I always have before.
So tear me apart only to put me back together,
And then rip me apart again.

It still hurts when your name runs through my head,
Not as sharply as it used to but the pain is still there
faintly, like the words I never said,
Although words lose their strength over time.
Even your name lost that old, familiar chime that used to ring
but it has lost its luster and I am perfectly okay
With each passing year and each dragging day.
However, I can't help but feel sadder in the winter
because that's when you told me
You needed to discover
New places and new people.
I told you that I loved you only twice when I was with you
But each time I glanced into your eyes I hope you knew.
I bet you knew.
So, it still hurts when your name runs through my head,
And I can't help but imagine what we would be
If you reciprocated the feelings and pulled your arms around me.
The faint whisper of your name sometimes puts me to sleep,
So I hope that you saw all you needed to see.

To be strong
But I am only just a seed
Struggling to grow without a hand to water me.

And now the future is palpable,
And I can almost just barely taste it
On my lips
Just like the chapstick
I applied 15 minutes ago.
The future is in my range
And I can just barely smell it
Just like the perfume I applied this morning.
I can smell it faintly, when I notice it
But times the smell disappears,
As I get used to it;
only to be reminded of it
When I receive a hug of congratulations
And my friend will say, "You smell nice".
And in that moment I sniff my sleeve to try and smell myself
And get frustrated when my chapped lips feel rough against the texture of my shirt.
So I reach into my pocket, and struggle to find a small skinny tube,
I grasp it in my fingers and apply it to my lips
Afterwards licking them,
Smiling,
Because I can taste the future once again.

And nothing comes easy anymore.
No words in my mind can form into sentences,
Just as the victim struggles with her words as the man dressed in black holds a knife to her throat.
She knows what to say, but she just can't stop the image of her head falling off her body from playing in her mind.
so with this thought I decide to check the time
Only to see that it is limited
and I can't formulate my thoughts into readable words.
I want the word to understand the beauty inside my mind,
Before this man decides to dig his blade into my skin and end my life.
I can see humanity suffocating under the hand of technology,
With nothing to save us but our minds,
But our minds are flooded with misery.
So will we be saved or is this damage already too thick?
Is it time to be content with this lack of air,
Or should I request to have my throat slit open
To make up for it?

Your hands are on my mind
The way they move and
The way they stay fixated on my spine.
The way they make motions and gestures,
Use utensils and cause pleasure,
They are one of a kind.

Your eyes are on my mind
The way the see the world and
The way they can see into mine.
The way they flicker back and forth
And look directly on the floor
In moments of discomfort,
They are one of a kind.

Your laugh is on my mind
The way it engulfs the room and
The way it stops time.
The way it is so genuine and nice.
It is one of a kind.

You are on my mind
The way you haunt my thoughts and
Make everything seem fine.
The way you pull me in and let me go
Like there's something to say or maybe
Just something I should know.
You are one of a kind.

Life is so subjective
And original
No two people see the same
World around us
No one will ever understand
The darkness of a whisper
The bright light of my mother
Or the color of her voice
Or the song that plays in my head
Every time I drive by that place
Or why my eyes glance over
Every time I pass her house
Or his
Or hers
No one knows the colors
I see when I close my eyes
Or the fact that certain things
Prevent me from opening them
If life is a riddle
Coated in layers of confusion and dust
How should we ever figure it out?
Because know one knows the meaning
Behind anything we see
Hear
Or taste
Or how each letter and number
Have a different color to me
No one knows why
I chose to write the way I do
Or why I even make art in the first place
I just kind of do
No one will even know
The meaning behind my words
But that's just the beauty of life
I had to learn.

My hands grasp onto unsure objects
Fighting the past and barely handling the future
And I feel sick.
I feel sick each day
Each morning
Each evening
Each conversation
Each cigarette.
I cannot digest this,
Nor can I digest the food on my plate,
Or the information thrown at me each day.
I am lethargic and boring,
Lame and confused,
Tired and constant,
There is no change.
I fear routine but
Also fear change
I am fickle.
I am boring I am selfless
I am selfish I am sure
I am distant
I am clingy
Like the shore.
I pull you in when I need you
Push you away when I don't
Cry when I am uncomfortable
And turn dark and I am cold.
I grasp onto unsure things,
Hoping I will gain control.
Control is not in my control;
However,
I will try and grasp onto these feelings,
Write about it and wither in self pity
Only to realize
I can only control the words
Escaping my chapped lips.

You are essential
Like water that needs to hydrate dry bodies
And nourish growing trees.
I need you like the earth needs the sun
And how the moon needs the earth
And how humanity needs oxygen.
I thirst for you
Like a carnivore thirsts for blood
Or how she thirsts for pulls
Of cheap ***** on Monday nights.
You are the droplet of water running down the car window
As I look outside I barely see you
For I am mesmerized by the lights and the charisma
Of night.
Eventually as the sun begins to rise,
Waking the earth with her essential light
I notice you resting on the window.
My hands are very dry,
So I roll down the window
And rest my hand outside
Feeling the cool drops of you
Quench my need for love
That I feel I'll never fully
Receive.

You're getting to know the back of my hand
While I'm getting to know the shape of my heart
As it violently presses against my sternum in a uniform timing.
It is dark, but I know your eyes are glancing down at my pale hand,
Flushed pink with the cold,
icy wind that angrily rushes through the window to our right.
No one has ever shown this much interest in my hand before,
And I know that sounds strange,
But it is comforting to know that someone other than me can appreciate such things.
I am an artist, and my hands are my gateway to the world,
They are the messenger,
The communicator,
And without them I'd be lost.
Hands tell stories,
They create,
They destroy,
But they can make beautiful things.
So let's make something beautiful and destroy it.

You told me we were a movie,
But we were more than a 2 hour scripted piece of art.
I remember the willow trees and how they'd weep over us when we felt like weeping, too.
I remember the sunsets and how they came around 7:30 pm,
Now the fickle sun sets at 4 pm.
I remember the girl who told us we were beautiful,
In her own way
she was a sign of the great perhaps before us.
I remember desperately wanting to kiss you,
Even though I reserved those moments for the late nights we were intoxicated
when you somehow made your way into my arms every time
And how our lips would accidentally brush against each other,
softly,
And innocently.
I can't help but realize that you must have known how I felt
And how much I wanted to hold you.
Or how when you rested your head on my shoulder that one morning,
You definitely could hear my heart skip a beat.
So maybe if you're right, and if this is a movie,
You've chosen to end it.
Or maybe you've decided your character has moved on,
Leaving me alone under the shade of the willow trees
With my cigarettes and 4 pm sunsets.

The end

Nimble fingers break apart green stems
And I watch them as diligently as I watch him
Twirl ebony strands between his fingers
Nervously
Anxiously
Waiting.
I'm waiting for your call and he's waiting for his texts
And I'm questioning reality as my pink nicotine fingers type words
That stream from my broken mind
It hurts tonight.
Teeth tell stories and lies
And I realize I am unlovable.
Not because of you,
Or the others before
But because I am unloved by myself.

Skinny necks hold sturdy heads
Blonde hair covers red scalps
Scratched and torn apart from stress of deadlines and tests
He's not on your mind right now.

I take drags knowing they blacken my tongue
Making my words unrecognized even by myself
And I wonder where I am and when I should be home

We all want more
We need less
This world is something with answers that I feel should be left unsaid.

Stories told by tainted hearts
Questioning myself
Questioning my heart

Maybe we're meant to deteriorate
Break apart and wash away.
All we are, and all we'll be is a story anyways.
And when that story is no longer told
We'll just be a name on a piece of rock,
Left underground to rot and deteriorate
Just like we were always meant to do.

I want you to desire me
Like a cold drink of water,
In a cool crystal glass.
I want you to pick me up and press me to your eager lips and drink me like you haven't seen water in days.
I want to be the poison in your blood
That you crave each and every night.
I want you to rush into the kitchen after a long day,
and lift me up and let your lips embrace me
As you **** the life out of me because you absolutely need me.
I want you to beg for that 5 minute break in the workday
So you can set me a flame and inhale my nicotine passion.
I want you to taste me on your fingers and your breath hours after you've seen me.
I want you to be haunted by me.
I want you to desire me
I want to be desired.

And I'll admit I don't really like the rain,
Despite the beauty of it that people speak about.
I don't find it all that great.
I've been lying and trying to understand it's warmth and
Embrace the cold droplets that somehow singe my frail skin,
But whenever the world cries I can't help but feel sad.

Must we all lie and claim that these tears bring joy?
Because when I see her cry I don't smile and call her amazing.
I feel myself cry a little, too
And realize that she is in fact beautiful.

With this I realize we live in a world of lies.
We lie about our feelings,
Our experiences,
Our tastes,
Our professions.
We lie about religion,
And expressions,
Knowledge,
And passions.
But sadly enough we lie to ourselves about these things and give ourselves headaches,
And look outside just to see we're not the only thing crying.

I will hold your heart until it stops beating
And I will remember your name even when it ceases to have meaning.
I will love your face when it grows older
Even when your skin grows colder.

I remember the day I fell in love with your smile
And the day it was us against the world for a little while.
I remember smoking cigarettes and being so nervous
About smelling bad and how the nicotine controlled us.

I know that we kiss and I know it means something,
But I cherish the moments in which we say nothing.
I remember the day you went away, and we tried not to cry but the tears came anyway.

And I know you love someone else and so do I but if our paths ever cross I feel I'd be ready this time.
What we have is nothing that anyone can understand,
But I constantly crave your voice like music from our favorite band.

We are simple as rain as a tree,
Excuse me for repetition, but there's nothing to see.
We are in sync and need each other more than we could ever know,
And I'll love you forever I could never let you go.

I miss the days when our faces touched,
And our embraces spoke more than just lust.
I miss when our eyes would meet,
Just for a moment,
And you'd bite your lip like you knew I was craving your lips again
And again.
I miss the way you'd refuse to talk,
And how I'd stay up late waiting for your text messages.
I miss praying for us to work,
And praying for you to feel the same way.
I miss believing in something, at all.
I miss when the days were simple and the nights were short,
And when I'd hug a friend goodbye wishing nights like these would continue for the rest of my life.
I miss when the sun would shine brighter even through the winter.
It snowed so much that winter.
I miss running miles to see you, and hugging you like a friend,
But I know you felt my heart beat faster as you held me.
I miss your eyes and how they'd light up every time you smiled.
I miss the day we snuck into the forest and felt the trees talk.
I miss the first time I got butterflies when we kissed.
I miss the way you smell and the way your room looks at night.
I miss the seasons and I miss how they used to blend seamlessly into each other,
Like our bodies into one,
Just as the sun and moon overlap in an eclipse.
And it's now I realize that's all we'll ever be.
Just two masses suspended in space,
Forced to only admire from a far but gravity will never let us meet.
Only until the world ends will you finally absorb me into a ball of heat.
I miss you, I guess.

We always walk through rain trying to get under something to avoid getting wet.
We do this in life also.
We rush along, holding things over our heads, and try and take cover.
We never bother to stop and actually take in what's happening around us;
We're too busy trying to not get wet.
We never stop and understand what is actually happening and say:
"What a wonderful combination of hydrogen and oxygen molecules falling from the sky!" Or
"How amazing is it that my skin repels the water?"
Instead we curse the rain, and call it ridiculous.
But every once in a while, sharp darts of
reality will come and slap you in the face,
Reminding you of the season,
And how you're way too early for your next class,
Or that you need to be somewhere in 5 minutes and you're 20 minutes away,
Or that he stopped loving you after a while.
We try to avoid such thoughts because we know reality is painful,
Just like fall rain on warm skin.
We can try to avoid reality for the rest of our lives, and never accomplish a thing,
Or we can come to terms with the fact that if we step outside we will get wet,
Allowing reality to soak into our coats,
Making us cold for the rest of the evening.

We lie in two different ways.
Sometimes we lie, and we lie well, and never get caught.
Other times we don't lie as well, and the lie gets revealed,
leaving the truth.
What I've learned is that when our lies get revealed, we obviously didn't lie as well as we could have.
This maybe is because we are bad liars, or because subconsciously we wanted the truth to be revealed.
We are all liars and cheaters alike,
But the truth is always there
Haunting us
Until revealed.

If I were to leave this world, would you remember my name?
Would you know me as the girl who tried everything they could just to make you smile?
Would you remember me as a good friend,
Or a kind person?
Would you realize that you love me and that you regret not taking any chances?

If I were to leave this world, would you remember my face?
Would you remember the freckles that appear on my nose in the summer,
Or the shape of my nose,
Or even the expression in my eyes when I was truly happy?

If I were to leave this world, would you remember my tendencies?
Would you remember obscure sense of humor,
Or even the fact I was downright insane?
Would you remember my yearning for adventure,
And trying terrible things?
Would you hold it against me to this day?

If I were to leave this world, would you tell me the truth?
That every glance we make means something to you?
Would you remember how my heartbeat sped up every time someone mentioned your name,
Or how my face turns red every time I see your face?
Would you remember my attempts of showing affection and my terrible methods of flirting?
Would you finally say you feel the same way?

Would you at least remember my name?

The trees echo my desire for nourishment.
They are weeping and shedding their leaves,
Breaking down slowly and preparing for the cold months.

Music is playing in my head as we walk these narrow streets,
Experiencing youth and lust like it was just our method of speaking.

I am only a tortured soul searching for a purpose,
but I know that here with you is somewhere I should be.

This is my life and I can't escape it,
So if I miss the train, I'll take the next one.
You rest your head upon my shoulder and smile,
It let's me know that you love me,
It let's me know you understand.

If it were up to me I'd kiss your head and tell you that you are beautiful,
But unfortunately, as a tree, I cannot speak.
The seasons come and go as they please,
so I'll just sway in the breeze hoping someday you'll climb me again.

I found that realizing you have to move on is about as tragic as becoming sick of your favorite song.
You still feel inclined to listen to it from time to time,
No matter how much you know you don't want to or need to.
It's upsetting and unfortunate, but you just to pull through it,
And live a life without music for a little while.

It comes all at once,
Like a bullet to the head,
Or a pill to your bloodstream,
Or water from a faucet.
And when it happens it hurts,
Like bright lights to adjusting pupils,
Cold water to a warm body,
Or a sharp object to soft skin.
Reality.

Soft couches,
***** carpet,
Tobacco flavored breath.
***** stained shirts,
Soft lips,
Desire for a body to hold.
Stumbling,
Falling,
Crying,
laughing.
Walking,
Talking,
Driving,
Smoking.
Kissing,
Missing,
Wanting,
Wishing.
Hazy lights,
Blurred signs,
Mixed signals.
Jealousy,
Empathy,
Anger,
Joy.
Wooden walls,
Drunken calls,
Dark areas.
Wet grass,
Dry laughs,
A night dedicated to my birth.

Someone once told me that when you crave something, it's your body's way of telling you that you need it.
So tonight when I crave your presence, I must need it.
We have crossed universes before, telling each other stories without using words;
Sharing secrets between the lips and bed sheets.
I wish I could tell you these thoughts and how your lips still seem foreign
However many times they meet mine, they still seem forbidden.
I wish I knew the secrets you keep, even though I can taste them in my dreams,
And the rare times they escape out of your mouth.
However, I have difficulty distinguishing your words.
I often see you in my dreams, confessing every thought and every concern in my being,
But you just whisper that you love me,
As if you're haunting me.

So maybe we were meant to break each other's hearts,
Tear down our walls and rip ourselves apart.
No matter what it it's not going to end easily,
It's going to bring us to tears and leave us in a pool of misery.

However, I can promise you,
That no matter how terribly or beautifully this plays through,
I'll always be here for you.
I'll never do anything to hurt you.
And with that said, you may call me pathetic,
You can say I'm sick in the head for doing something like this again,
But heartbreak is okay.
We should never feel hopeless because we are human,
And we are able to heal no matter the circumstances.

So if I ever hurt you or if you destroy me,
Just know it's going to end beautifully.
We are merely flowers in a field of hope,
Sometimes the sun doesn't shine on us,
But that shouldn't make us not grow.

It's hopeless and pathetic,
The life that I lead and the moments I forget.
The moments I remember.
I think about you too much,
About your hair, and your face
And the way we once touched.
And how your voice soothes me to sleep
And how I miss your eyes
And the way you keep me guessing all the time.
I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
Or if maybe I'm crazy
For missing you
And thinking about you
And replaying the moments over and over.
I'm so sober.
I'm so sorry,
For being pathetic.
If you're thinking about me I hope you're happy
And if you're reading this I hope you know it's really about you.
I'm thinking about you.

The skin on my head is peeling off,
Revealing every one of my thoughts.
I feel open,
Exposed,
I have no where to go from here.
I'm lost in a world full of despair,
Every night I try to not pull out my hair,
But there's always something telling me to worry.
I feel so alone in a cave of open arms,
With places to go, lights to see, arms to touch.
So if you're reading this know that the space where my heart is hurts,
And that I never had much to learn,
And that the empty space in my chest is filling up with blood.
One day I'll get a knife,
Cut open my chest and expose my insides,
And show them why love is something that goes away with time.

If everything happens for a reason why am I breaking inside
But this break is nothing but a figment of the sensory motion of my mind
I do not feel anything at all
But when I'm with you I don't feel so small.
Because these moments pass like seconds and I can't stop thinking about the time
Wishing it didn't pass and that we were suspended in it.
But everything has its limits and everything ends
It's a tragic little world we live in, isn't it?
So I'll try and find the beauty in this life and appreciate what it is before it leaves
And if you feel the same that's surely okay with me.
We are lovers and we are dreamers, we seek the impossible limit,
But, if it's with you I've already been in it.

Maybe we are poets
Maybe we are doomed
Maybe we are determined
Maybe you're my muse
Maybe I'm a dancer
Maybe I'm a lover
Maybe this is more
Maybe this is less
Maybe I was meant to hold your hand
Maybe I'm just dead
Maybe we kissed
Maybe we messed up
Maybe this is something
Maybe I'm sick in the head
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm confused
Maybe I'm just searching
Maybe I've been lost
Maybe I found comfort
Maybe I did not
Maybe we're meant to love
Maybe we're meant to break
Maybe this will make sense
Maybe I'll never know
Maybe it'll be okay

Tie rocks to my feet,
So I can walk to the middle of the sea,
And sleep for eternity.

The warm water feels hot on my cold hands as I rush to erase the memories of the day behind me.
I can try and forget time by doing such mindless tasks, but when I look in the mirror I am reminded of my life,
And how this face is stuck with me for eternity.
Will I still like myself when my skin is no longer vibrant and youthful?
Because I see smile marks beginning to form and I am displeased.
Will I still walk through this town 30 years from now and understand my ever growing anxieties?
Or will I reflect and shake my head at how utterly idiotic I was?
Only time will tell and at the moment I can't decide if that's comforting or terrifying.
These places have seen my mistakes and regrets and my moments of bittersweet happiness
And I wonder if they will continue to remember my legacy.
We will all be forgotten and life is a lost cause,
But if I learn to accept this maybe I won't be so bitter.
However, to become content with such a thought is something I don't think I can ever be.

People are naive and simple and I feel as though I am complex and unreachable.
If you were a field of daisies I'd be the ****,
Criticizing you all and feeling complete envy.
For you all dance through life's wind like it's beautiful and kind,
While I shiver in the dark and forever pray for some spec of light.
A tree has grown beside me and I have become so cold,
Making warm water impossible to hold.

And I think about you from time to time
What you are possibly wearing and sometimes what's on your mind
And I wonder if your eyes still shine as bright.
It's hard to believe I was ever yours and that I was magically enchanted by you in any way.
You're kind and you're gentle
You're smart and you're subtle
But you're naive and you're selfish and I let it slide past.
If only I knew back then that you'd seem so silly to me now
With your goofy smile and your drunk texts and your late night calls.
It's not that I don't miss you,
Because I do.
I just don't think I need to admit that to myself right now.
So if you're there and you're thinking about my hair or my crooked teeth or my vacant eyes,
Just know I'm thinking about you only sometimes.