Here is the thing darling, no matter how many cheer,
The world remains an empty place.
There’s an abrupt sound of palms hitting one another,
But the moment is fleeting.
The lights shut off. The curtains close.
Applauses end.

You think you know what hurt is.
Perhaps a punch to the gut, banging into the corner of your table, or your hair getting stuck in the car window.

I thought I knew what  hurt was.
Getting dumped by my high school sweetheart, learning that I won’t ever be the girl you want me to be, or losing my grandmother.

Sure all these instances hurt. But time slowly helps them go away.

But being hurt with harsh and cold words by the one that brought you to this planet might be the worstof all. It’s worse than the voice in your head constantly telling you that you aren’t enough.

Why though?

Being hurt by the person that is supposed to build you up and love you no matter what leaves much deeper scars.

It’s scars that harden your heart, your feelings, makes you numb.

It leaves your mind wandering, just like this entry.

There’s something about the way the city lights hit each rain droplet. It’s like each drop was strategically placed in a mess of a storm

people say the bed doesn't feel the same when a lover goes away.
it's been said that it feels that they took a part of you.

i believed these things for many years.
lovers have come and gone, and my existence dwindled away.

until one day when just a shadow remained,
i looked up and i looked around me.

i noticed trees, flowers, and animals.
storms have come and destroyed these things at some point in their existence.

but they came back. they grew stronger.

why can't i?
i can.
i will.

i tend to not let my mind wander.
somehow it always finds its way to you.

the moment my mind forms the image of you,
my lungs feel as they collapse.

my heart tightens.
the force is as tight as i held you when i told you not to go.

this moment seems to be an infinity.
my emotions come afloat and pour out of my eyes,
with a force that no boat could ever survive.

i tend to not let my mind wander.
not for the sake of my sanity,
just so this last flicker of life in me doesn't go out.

something.
is it the sparkle in your eye?
was it the crinkle in your smile?
maybe it was the way your lips moved when you said my name.
or perhaps the soft warm touch of your petal smooth skin.

something.
one of those things or perhaps the sum of them brought back feelings i had thought had been buried.
like spirits on a bewitched night, my feelings for you started to wake.
everything and nothing in me tried to hold it back.


you are something.

Be like a sunflower.
Even when the sun hides, you can still shine.
The sun radiates from within.

Was I blinded by happiness that I couldn't see?
The fear, the doubt that was bubbling inside of you.
Perhaps, my mind blocked my sight, wanting to make me happy.

Oh, foolish mind.
How I wish you could have let me see.
The pain now left flowing through my body isn' worth the two seconds of bliss.

A starry, blurry night.
I stumbled into a smoky and loud bar.
With a drunken mind, somehow, it led me there.
Who knew the magic that awaited.

I stand leaning against the bar.
Girls flipping their hair and men with wandering eyes stood around me.
My dazed eyes landed on you.
You walked up to me and offered a drink.
I couldn't say no.

Minutes turned into hours.
I could listen to you go on and on.
You spoke in a melody I hadn't heard before and one that I didn't want to end.
The fire in me grew until it felt like it would burst out of my chest.

I leaned in and kissed your lips.
The noise around me seemed to fade away and all I saw was you.
There weren't any fireworks like those mentioned by others.
There didn't need to be.

You were greater than all the fireworks that could have appeared.
You saw past my drunken mask and somehow saw my true self.
It's been a few weeks, and I fall for you more and more each day.

Thanks for noticing me when I was just standing there.

happiness in my life exists transiently.
never have i been able to trust it completely.

on the occasions that things consistently go right,
my stomach drops and my mind keeps me awake at night.

i ponder why i must live in constant fear.
perhaps, it's due to the leaving of people i once held dear.

my hands clasp and try to hold you tight,
but my inner negativity makes this a constant fight.

i pray that one day happiness will be a friend to me.
that i won't fear its leaving and enjoy life peacefully.

i feel the electricity spark between us when we touch.
i feel the warmth of your soft and tender lips on mine.

i feel the joy your voice brings every time you speak
i feel my heart growing fonder each time you come into my sight.

i feel something new.
i feel you.
i feel love.

i knew from the moment i saw you that we would be grand.
it took you 12 years to realize this.

now we're happy.
and of course, it's only temporary.

why would the fates ever allow someone like me to be happy?
was i selfish in a past life?
am i paying for something that i don't know about?

well fates, hate me today or hate me tomorrow.
i'm going to love this man as much as i can while he's still here.
and perhaps we won't last since you're pulling him away.

but i can live happily knowing i experienced something so beautiful.
the wait was worth it.
you won't bring me down.

This feeling could swallow all the bodies of water on this earth, and it would still be empty.

sometimes i stop and think of you.
i start drowning in scent of your skin.
my hands grow cold and begin to tremble.
darkness encloses my mind.

then he comes around.
the drowning feeling disappears.
i start to see a dim light growing stronger.
his touch sends fire through my being.
i gasp for air.

he pulls me close.
he saves me.

A racing heart.
What a glorious yet frightful experience.
The feeling of your lungs collapsing and the earth being pulled from beneath your feet.
A feeling experienced during the blossoming of love and the dying of it.
Why must we yearn for it when it can bring pain?
Are we slaves bound to the hope of wanting to feel this pleasurable suffering?

will you ever stop haunting me?
i toss and turn at nights.
will i ever forget the way you looked at me in the mornings?
i cry the second i think of your eyes.
will you ever stop tormenting me?
my heart drops every time your name lights up my phone.
will you realize the damage you've done to me?
deep down, i understand your mind isn't able to process or accept what you did.

i wish you would disappear and that i never knew you.
i pray i forget your face, your touch, your name each day.
instead of you disappearing, i find that the woman i once knew is gone and all is left is not even a little girl, but just her shadow.

Here I stand,
looking at nothing,
feeling empty.

You look at me
and ask me why.

I turn to you
and see you glowing.
You took every part of me.

You're full, I'm empty.
Mission accomplished.

When I was younger, I had asthma.
I remember that suffocating feeling.
The panic, anxiety, nervousness striking my system all at once.
I never wanted to feel that again.

Fast-forward 20 years later, you came along.
The overwhelming feeling of asthma has come back.
I can't breathe.
You are asphyxiating me.
Yet, I find excuses, inhalers, to tolerate you...to keep you near.

Is it worth filling my lungs with chemicals just so that they can expand and contract?

You left.

I stayed.

Window panes are rightfully named.

It's what I felt watching you walk away.

I open my bottle of red.
Watching how it splashes into my cup.
I'm memorized by the depth of the red.
Reminding me of all the blood I would have shed to keep you.

The drop drips down my glass and lands on my skin.
It's like the many tears cried for you but now red.
I savor the fruity but bitter note with each gulp.

It tastes like us.

As the bottle empties my body is now boiling, intoxicated with the thought of you.
The last drop enters my glass.
I find myself unsatisfied and wanting more, more of you.  
But I have to be strong and stop.

After all, it's just w(h)ine.

Why did you have to go and say that you wanted to be with me when you had no intention of doing that at all?

The way you looked at me and said things to me, I thought it was real. It was nothing but a ruse to perhaps get me to love you.

If your plan was always to walk away, there was no need to bring in your family.

I miss your touch but most I miss your smile. I miss your tender eyes looking at me in the morning.

I never minded your baggage. I looked at it as something we both could face.

When I expressed my fears you always reminded me that you would stand by me. How was i to know that this was all a lie?

This isn’t a poem but a lament from my heart. These are the words I wish I could say to you.

With each tear that falls I am reminded of my stupidity, of being naive for ever believing you.

Just the thought of you being with another tears my heart apart. I curse the day you crossed my path.

You’ve become nothing but a dagger in my mind and existence.

And I am nothing to you.

boom. bang. pow.
the sounds resonating from my inner thoughts.
louder than any cannon and stronger than any wind,
is the storm that is brewing in my mind.

they say my mind will settle in a week.
i never found this to be true.

get out.
stop tormenting the empty halls of my mind at night.
all this twisting and turning has made me tired.
sleep brings no rest to my constant spinning thoughts.
you left as easy as you came into my life.
do the same in my head.
the door is wide open for you to make the grand exit.
get out.

if things, people, experiences...go as easily as they came,
were they ever here, ever mine, ever real at all?

how will i know?

As my hands touch the ivory keys
of my beloved piano, the excitement,
and creativity begin to flow within me.
Each key played in tempo, not one note
missed.

The echo of each note played,
resounds throughout the whole house.
Making a gloomy spirit, rise and rejoice.
Feet begin to move, and claps are heard
now.

As I continue playing the classical
piece, my body sways with the beat.
My nimble fingers running up and down
the keyboard move so fast they can’t be
seen.

Like day turns into night, my song
comes to an end. The clapping,
and the moving feet come to a  My fingers relax and I stand and take a
bow.

People telling me who I should be.
I thought that choice was up to me.
Who are they to tell me what I’m to do?
What if what they think is right I don’t find true?

Looking left and right to find a way.
Searching for my soul everyday.
What the others view right I see wrong.
Others should be like me and not just follow along.

Being an individual and being free
is something I was born to be.
I can’t follow the average crowd.
I have my own heart and soul and I speak it aloud.

So what if people think I’m crazy?
Is it because I put my opinions to work and I’m not lazy?
So if you’re wise you’ll take my advice.
Follow your own heart and don’t fall for the lies.
If your heart thinks something is right,
don’t ever give up without a fight.

What.
We met. We talked.
What.
Sparks were seen. Emotions and thoughts exchanged.
What.
Time came and went.
What.
Moments shared and forgotten.
Now what?