I want to feel everything
And nothing at all

There's nothing in my life

There are a few people I love
(most of whom abuse me)

There are a few who claim to care
(but don't really want to help)

There are dogs who love me unconditionally
(but I have this annoying desire for human contact)

I have a job I'm quite good at
(that's minimum wage and currently closed)

I'm working towards a degree in something I enjoy
(but in the end it'll have me selling my soul to capitalism)

And I can't get out of my head how incredibly subpar I must be to never once have had anyone even mildly romantically interested in me
(I shouldn't let it bother me... but **** it really does...)

I am living only because no one will let me die
(though it would be the most humane option from my point of view)

tw self harm



I gave up
No more fighting it
Knife in hand
I brought it to my thigh

Then over and over again
Slash after slash after slash...
Must've been at least thirty times....
Until the area was covered in red lines
Beads of blood turning to gel

I just wanted to feel something

So, again and again
My mind hardly in control
Can you go a little deeper?
Try again. Again.
Try. It. Again.
Watch the red fill in.....
It's gotta go deeper
The whole thing needs to ache
Feel something.
Please.

please.


And once again
Like it used to be
I've soaked tissues and gauze
In my blood

tw self harm



50 days since my last episode...
It’s not much... but it’s progress
But tonight... tonight I’d throw it away
To hold a knife in my hand
To graze my skin with it
To watch myself bleed
To bandage my wounds...


I want it. All of it.
The only thing stopping me is that number...

50 days

I don’t want to tell everyone I’ve failed
That I was weak yet again
But so badly I want to be weak...
It’s going to happen eventually...
Isn’t relapse inevitable?
Who knows when I’ll see my therapist again...
There are already scars to hide
So what’s a few more?

I could talk myself right into it

And I ******* want to

There is a demon
His name is Suicide
I've let him in
I feed him
I care for him
In return, he lets me feel
Just a little
Only sometimes
I keep him happy
He keeps me dead
I stay confused
Unable to cast him out
Because every time I try
I fail to fill his empty space with light
So he returns
Stronger, meaner
To abuse and torment
While I forget what light is

tw self harm



I can’t hold out much longer
Every night I get weaker
From this eternal fight

I just want to hold it...
My blade
But I know what I’ll do...
I can’t see it
Can’t touch it
Can’t clean it
Can’t play with it
Can’t feel it against my skin
Can’t press the tip in
No..... you know you can’t stop
This ***** is too steep
But... I’m... I’m so tired...
I just wanna fall

She smiled
And meant it

She laughed
And felt it

She cried
But still wanted life

To them, she’s a joke
She wonders if she can be loved
They act like she’s a character in a movie
Of course her prince will come!
(Theirs all came, anyway)
They tell her someday
She’ll look back and laugh
But in her heart
She can see that her reality is not the same
She’ll never have a partner
She’ll never know a true friend
And she knows
That no matter what they all say
She’s destined to be alone.

I don't want to have to try and explain to you
The dark lines on my wrist and thigh
That I pray you will never be able to understand

I don’t want to be                                              
alone
broken
numb
polite
sad
sober
alive
me
                                          any longer.