tw self harm




Haha... I’m drowning in Neosporin
Finally my leg decides to sting
Rhythmic pain
From the line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line and line and line and line line line line line line line line line line line line....    .       .           .             .
That I drew in
Desperate for feeling
An awakening of my heart
Instead... with each line the realization set in
I’m too far gone
Too disconnected to feel anything
I practically laughed at the wounds...
Wondering what purpose they might possibly serve
When nothing within even feels alive
What began as a resuscitation attempt
Turned swiftly into an autopsy

And ****... I don’t even care that I’m out of gauze
I’ve done this before
It’ll heal eventually
Not like it matters anyway....

I’m afraid of myself tonight
Of the thoughts within my skull
I’m afraid to be left alone with myself
With nothing to drown it out

I forget, I suppose
That depression is triggered too
And in myself
Nothing does it as well
As being alone

Emptiness is encapsulating
I don’t want your drugs
I don’t want your help
I want to get worse and worse and worse...
Just a bit lower now
You can do it
A little longer and you’ll do something
You’ll become dangerous
Bleeding for fun
Just to feel something
To wake me from this hellscape

There’s nothing in life
A career is futile
Money is fictitious
My family wants to use me
My friends aren’t there for me
Dogs will age and fade too fast
I’ll always have to be sober again
My faith is nearly lost
(you can’t hear God’s voice when you want to die and your entire being is numb and cold)
There’s nothing to save me now
But the hope that a little more drugs
Will offer enough serotonin
To get through another ******* day

Intoxicate me
No, not with kind words and affections
I know I’m not allowed such comforts

Just fill me with poisons
Drink until I can’t feel anymore
Until all that’s left
Are giggles and a few slow words
Until my body is so thoroughly flushed with it
Vision, arms, legs, lips
They all begin to fail
Full of a dimmed sensation of bliss
A warm, peaceful fog
Happy and a bit mad
Dazed and compromised
But no concerns to speak of

I need to be cared for
Cared about
Desired
Wanted
Accepted
Noticed
Held
Loved
Seen
:
.
.
.

.
­


.
Instead I am
Heartbroken
Hopeless
Lonely
Tired
Broken
Ignored
Forgotten.. . .    .       .          .

Everything is empty
My being is void
A singularity has drained my soul
I feel nothing at all



ha... it’s getting darker...

tw self harm, suicide



no one's coming to save you


you're going to mark red on your wrist

no one will know


you're going to beg to give up your life

no one will care


you're going to wither until all you are is a shell

no one will notice


they're not coming to save you

they don't care

they won't ask about the scars

they won't know you no longer cry

they don't want to see your pain


no one's coming

they won't save you if you try

tw suicide



it wouldn't be much of a loss
i'm not pretty
i'm not smart anymore
i'm not kind anymore
i'm not loved
i'm not known
my parents would cry...
my sister would cry...
but would their lives change?
would a loved one truly be lost?
if only i could just disappear...
i don't want to ******* be here
this ******* place...
these people...
you'd all be glad if i was gone

I’m not here
Not present
Dissociating
Distant
Because
I can’t bear to be here

tw self harm, suicidal thoughts




There’s nothing for me here

There will be no love for me

It’s just... it’s not possible
I’ve suspected it for so long
But tonight I know it’s true
There’s no one to care

There’s nothing

Just me and my suffering

No words to comfort me
No arms to hold me
No lips to kiss me

I can feel the end in me tonight
It reaches out to offer its hand
A sweet relief
A few pills and you could be done...

But in my agony I know I must not stop now
And in my frustration I crave comfort
I require distraction
I want to drink it away.... but I cannot tonight
Instead my hand reaches again for the blade
Now shrouded in a new guilt
Because I know I’ve lied to you....
But I couldn’t give you the truth...

So tonight
I’ll silence the agony
With a shallow, swift slash

You were my medication
Boosting serotonin
Dopamine
Of course I felt myself with you
I know I need more meds
But I don’t ******* want them
I want you

I want to feel something
Or nothing at all
But emptiness wrapped
In everything at once
Is utterly unbearable

I feel slow
My head is spinning
Faster...
Limbs heavy and awkward
I feel good
Finally

It’s not enough
You need to keep drinking
You can stop when it’s all gone
Stop when you can’t see straight
Keep ******* drinking
You worthless *****
Don’t listen to your body
Just drink
You’re not drunk enough

**** this
Alone
Again.
Not drunk enough
Til the room spins.
I’m tired
I’m lonely
If you’re nice maybe I’ll just kiss you again...
****

One shot for the years alone
Another for the panic
A shot for hope gained and lost
And one for my illness

While we’re at it
Take one for the boy you wanted
The one who kissed you
Then have a few more
For him deciding he doesn’t want you

******* drown it
I don’t want to think
Don’t feel
Just lie down and let the room swirl
And maybe it won’t all hurt so much...

tw self harm




Huh... a few quick slices of the skin
A stinging sensation
Was all I needed
To feel again

You want nothing more
Than to be a good mom
To see me succeed
To see me happy
To have me love you

But you’re not
We’re so far past that now
You can’t make up for your mistakes
I can’t thank you for an existence I don’t want

I love you
But you’re not a good mom
You’re just my mother

I always look for someone to save me
Every single time
I check my phone
I listen for footsteps
I want someone to stop me
I don’t really have that anymore
Now I have to save myself
But I don’t really want to

Happy birthday
To the boy who kissed me
Then said, “we should be just friends”
I’m still hurting
I’m not okay
Hope you have a nice day

I’m too afraid of breaking
I don’t know if I can make it through
Another heartbreak

So I run however I can
Hide from my feelings
Work, pills, tv
Just dissociate
Hold it in
Because feeling it will be worse
Facing it is to spiral again
I can’t survive that
So... I guess I have to run
A few more pills won’t hurt
Not yet anyway

I want to lie in the low lights
Listen to loud alternative music
Feel chemicals relaxing my body
And forget

I was happy with you
For the first time in years
I felt truly happy
I felt accepted as myself
I felt cared for
And you went and ****** it up
******* me over
And stole that happiness from me

You can’t do this to me
You can’t treat me like this
You can’t kiss me and tell me you want to be friends
You can’t do that
You can’t play with my heart
You can’t string me along
You know what this meant to me
You know you could’ve been my first love
You ****** up
And now I’m crying
Taking pills I don’t need
Dissociating
My heart is breaking
Because you couldn’t control yourself.

There’s something wrong in my head
My anxiety is triggered
And suddenly I don’t feel for you?
I get nervous and then everything’s wrong?
I’m high when I’m with you
I’m high when you’re gone
Until something’s wrong
Then I can’t breathe anymore
I can’t think
Can’t sleep
Somethings wrong
Somethings wronsoemthings.....
Wrong.

Take your medicine.

Leave him be.

You can do this.

Fall back to old habits.

Lol

You’ll never be okay

If only you’d known
Six months ago...

What a sweet girl
Full of anguish
She bathed in suffering
Her wrists were always bleeding
Her mind was full of fog
All she wanted was an end
She almost got it

But she didn’t

And now... I wish I could tell her
That sweet, broken girl
That in six months she’d feel loved
In six months she’d be kissed
For the very first time
And she’d have hope again
That her life would be full
It won’t ever be perfect
Things are still hard
She has new challenges to face
But she’s not alone anymore
She’s lovable
She’s loved
She’s going to be alright.

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

I want to keep you secret
Because when you’re secret,
You’re still mine
And my thoughts are my own
My feelings are real
I’m free
As long as I keep you to myself
As long as you’re secret

As soon as they know
Their opinions will fill my head
A thick, slow fog in my mind
I won’t be able to trust myself
I know they can convince me of anything
They’ll fill my head with themselves
And there won’t be room for me anymore
No room for us
Once again I’ll be a puppet
They’ll pull at all my strings
Because that’s what they do

I want them in my life
But I also want to be in my life

So for a little longer
You’ll remain my secret
Just until I catch my breath
And am ready to fight my mind

You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention

You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around

A few months ago I wanted to die
Trying to figure out how I might take my life
My wrist and thigh always bleeding
My future was black and empty

Tonight is different
I’m pretty glad I’m alive
Things aren’t perfect
I’m not always okay
But I have hope
I can smile
I’m not alone anymore

I don’t want to be here

I must be sick...
There’s hope
I have plans
Things are working out
I met someone

Yet

Depression fills me like a heavy fog
Passive suicidal ideations linger
I can’t eat
I’m drawn to cut

I just... I just don’t understand

You know exactly what you’re doing
Not eating enough
Letting yourself stay hungry
It’s a punishment
Without scars
Without blood
But it hurts
And the more you do it
The more they’ll like you

I feel pretty when I’m hungry
Like maybe my stomach will begin to slim
Like I’m dainty and beautiful
Like maybe if I can keep it up long enough
Someone might want me

Unsettled
Heart, mind, body
All uneasy
All on edge

There’s something wrong
Something missing
There’s nothing there
This life is empty
And I don’t know how to fill it

Does my soul need to seek God more?
Is my medication making it worse?
...or do I need more of those **** pills?
Am I just lonely and bitter?
Am I too selfish?
Will it pass?
Will it fade?
Is everything really so dark?
Is hope really so gone?

I don’t want to be numb anymore
I don’t want to cry only when I think about how empty I am inside
I don’t want my wrists to burn
Begging for a cut to make me feel again
I want to care truly and deeply again
I want to feel my life
I want to feel alive

However

The medication keeps me sane
It keeps me able to eat
More than a few tortillas a day
I don’t dissociate and panic
Because my homework is stressful
I can make it through my days
Because I take that pill
The lowest dosage I could convince my doctor to offer
It’s keeping me alive

I think

She’s afraid of progress
Will it mean she forgets?
Abandoning the part of her who suffered?
She wants to hold her close
Embraced in healing, love, growth
But for that part of herself
It’s still happening
She’s still suffering
She’s still struggling
And the tighter she’s held by safety
The louder she screams that she’s not safe

I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter

tw suicidal ideation




It’s comforting
So familiar
Safe even...
A warm, soft thought
That it’s still there for me
I still have that choice
The option of an end
An escape
My death

I’m lost
Drifting
Wandering
My thoughts a mess
My body tired
I’m confused
I’m... I just don’t know...

tw self harm





I want a bottle on my lips
And a knife to my wrist
Numb the pain
Feel something
Intoxicated
Bleeding
Broken
Crying
Dying
...
..
.

tw self harm




I hear its sweet voice in my head
Making promises
Offering deals....
A little cut to calm the nerves?
That.. that sounds reasonable...
Its voice grows louder and louder
Tempting, coaxing

I don’t want it!
I’m not doing that anymore!
I won’t do it!
I try to protest

But there’s an ache in my heart
A restless, painful void
And while I know it’s not a solution
I do know it’ll release some pressure....
Make it a little easier...
maybe? maybe I’ll try... just a bit...

You’ve spent so long
Fighting with yourself
Feeling absolutely everything
And sometimes nothing at all

You can’t hide from that pain
You can’t run
But I used to believe
That it would never leave me

I’m not sure anymore
I think maybe
I can see a life free of it
But for now,
It’s right behind me
Waiting for me to trip

What the ****
What’s wrong with me
I’ve cried
I’ve screamed
Simmering.... boiling...
I can feel it
I’m about to explode

The more I talk to anyone else
The more certain I am
I really want to keep talking to you

tw suicidal thoughts



Something about these pills...
It just rubs me the wrong way...
Something eerie about them
Their quantities
Their psychoactive properties

I just don’t want them in my head
Or I want them all at once
High doses
Overdoses
Or none at all

And why
Why the ****
Do I get excited
A sick hit of adrenaline
Thinking about swallowing them all
And ending it now

What’s wrong with me
Nothing’s wrong
Everything’s wrong
I’m fine
I’m broken
I’m sick
I’m losing my **** mind

And somehow...
Somehow the pills keep me a little bit sane

I just... I don’t want to be alone anymore
I just want to know for once in my life
What a man’s loving embrace feels like
I just want to know what it’s like
To press our lips together and kiss
I just want to know love is an option for me
I just want to know what it’s like...

I’m angry with love
I thought I’d finally found it
Even with red flags in the air

I’d gone so long
Wondering if I could be loved
Needing to be loved
And I... I was so desperate
To mistake the mess that I’d made
For love

I just... I needed it...
I wanted it so badly...
That when I saw a chance
For any real kind of connection
I threw everything I had at it
I barreled past the warning signs
And all the caution tape
For that chance
That impossible chance



And it broke me.

For a moment
I’m free
The darkness, the cold
It releases its grip
I have energy, I can feel
And as I finally am ready
To do something good for myself
It pulls me in tight
And promises never to let go again

I don’t know if I want you
I don’t have any clue if you’d want me
But I know I need someone
So... let’s see where it goes, shall we?