if this is what emotions are
hot water pounding down on my skin
the taste of stale alcohol trying to create some essence
of numbness
the words of music so loud in an attempt to drown out
the ache that my heart brings with each beat
I don’t want it
I don’t want any part of it

I am in a rut
an awful rut that I don’t know how to get out of
I find myself reaching for different things to bring me comfort
I’m not even for sure what I need
what I’m searching for
It’s like I have gone numb
It’s like I’m stuck in this current emotion and can’t get out
I’m bored yet content but sad yet feeling okay
I have felt on the verge of tears for the past few days and I don’t know why
I don’t know what my body is waiting for
It’s like I’m waiting for something to break me

how can you be a perfectionist
when you always fail

how can you know the truth
but refuse to listen

how can you feel so moved
yet not move

how can you feel so bold
yet not say a word

how can you be so full of love
yet never love

how can you exist
without ever living

how can you be you
when you’re never you

my thoughts are mixed up of present time
and words of poetry i have not yet written

I think of you but can only make it so far
before my mind creates a metaphor for
the emptiness that this small soul of mine
now is

on a scale of 1-10
I am terrified
terrified of putting myself out there just for it to be ignored
or even worse
unnoticed
yes I like you
do you like me?
is there anything I can do to help?
please just give it a chance
it won’t hurt to try
i’ll be here
waiting

I watch as I trace my finger against the wall
taking in the noise it makes as the nail comes in
contact with the wallpaper

there must be more to life than this
having the little things impact me the way they do
not knowing what to do with this heavy heart of mine
not knowing how to continue on

my body feels so weighed down
and my head is battling the fog

i’m looking for the light
to save me from the darkness
but something tells me
it’s not coming

hah
as if it matters how
hard I try
you will always be there
you will always make
my heart ache
as soon as I see
your face and hear your
voice everything I have
tried so hard to forget
comes crashing back through
my mind making me wonder
what happened and
why did you leave
and why didn’t I follow

I hope she loves your hurt and pain away
I hope she understands the depth of your passions
I hope she takes care of your literary soul
and relishes in the way your voice carries
straight to the core
I hope she realizes what she has
(I hope you're happy because as much as it
hurts you deserve that)

I saw you today
and my heart felt sad
sad for what could have been
what never will be

we made eye contact
and in those few seconds
there was so much I wish
I could convey

just give me a chance
just give me a chance
just give me a chance

but you looked away
and I kept walking

well

ironic how emotions can be turned off by one conversation

your warmness is not so warm anymore
your eyes tell me different things now
your honesty about other people is now off-putting

your existence no longer has an affect on me

i’m sorry

not for you

(for me)

pride
that’s what I’m afraid of
rejection
that too
to put yourself out there
to leave everything up to him
with no control
to possibly be laughed at
ignored
the thought terrifies me
of course it could be worth it all
even more than that
but the steps getting there
well I haven’t decided if the risk
is worth it yet

its 7:47
and all I can think about
are my biggest fears

not the silly ones
like spiders or breaking a bone

(but the big ones)

like what accelerates my heartbeat
and makes time stand still when
I think about it
the ones that leave me
panicked and overwhelmed

but instead of letting the fear control me
I am trying to teach myself to let it
push me to somehow influence my
every move for the better

if I don’t want these fears to be
a reality, then I need to choose
which path to take
(which way to let my mind wander)
to influence my life in a positive way

there are only so many things in my life
that I can control
my thoughts being one of them

fear is in my mind
that’s where all the biggest fears
come from and I’m learning to
fight those one moment
at a time

no matter what
you will always
be in the back of my mind
and in the back of my heart will
always be the question
what if

the drastic difference of color between the two trees was shocking
one so full of life
thriving
soaking in all that was around it
experiencing the season and changing along with
it into something so beautiful you couldn’t
bear to move your eyes away from it
but the other was not
the other was stuck in the previous stage
unable to adapt to the new surrounding
brought to it
there was no hiding the fact
that it was unprepared and not capable
of keeping up
you pitied it because it was stuck beside the
most beautiful thing with
absolutely no comparison

I am the red tree
and you are the green

I am sorry you are not able to keep up
with the person I have become

each semester I change
I find a different place I feel at home
a new song will play at my heart
new people that I become comfortable with
bigger dreams tug on my brain wanting out

but I never realize the impact of it
not until it’s too late and I see all the differences
and there’s no turning back
and I’m forced to be this new person

(or the person I really was all along)

I need to get the feeling of you
off my skin
it’s been so long
but yours is the only touch
I’m familiar with
//

some days it feels like
all i’m doing is waiting
for the day to be over
and then the next
and the next
and the
but what happens
when I run out of days?

I saw you
and I appreciated you

the curve of your smile
the crease by your eyes
the warmness of your voice

but this time
it didn’t knock me down
it didn’t stop me in my tracks
my heart beat didn’t increase
I was able to speak to you
without my voice getting caught
in my throat

time changes things
I can appreciate you now
without the overwhelming emotions
of what could have been

once I was forced to take a step back
I could see how you and I
were not meant to be
we were two puzzle pieces that
did not fit together

and it is okay

now

I am all alone
I have lain in this bed for hours
I can’t get up
it won’t let me
my body is frozen in place
as it curses through my veins
leaving me shaking
and unable to catch my breath
I try to form thoughts and
bring myself back
but it jumbles them
and I can’t think
everything is moving too fast
and I can’t think
and I can’t think
and I can’t
and I
I desperately try to think of someone
to help me
my mind goes through all my friends
and family members
no
no one understands
too many questions
I just need a hand
to pull myself out of this
but I am all alone