i went to the doctor today

i cried before i went in
not because of the doctor

but because of my father

he tells me i have to grow my hair out
i have to be a good little girl

i'm not his little girl
i was only pretending

i am me
genderqueer
short hair

i will not grow out my hair
for his ****** up ideals
of the perfect daughter

when i am not his daughter
at all

sleep for 4 hours max.
forget to eat
pick up a new hobby
like smoking
or snorting

never cry in front of anyone
ever
build your walls out of concrete
and barbed wire

never let anyone in
you will regret it

be insensitive
hurt the people around you
cause them pain

maybe they will leave you
before you leave them

its happening

my lungs are constricting

breathing is stuttering

hands are shaking

i thought i was better

its been so long

my head pounds

i just want to go home
to sleep
to be alone

i could fake sick

but i wont

I think smooth
Soft
White

Porcelain stands up to much
But one little crack sends it to the garbage

Porcelain is strong
Disguised as weak

i am trying
to remember how to write

i can write this
can't I?

you all scream profanities like there's nothing to lose
she looks so frightened in front of you all

you're so loud and shes so quiet
you're so rude to her

she doesn't deserve that

i am in a room

trapped

for a brief moment
the door opens

for three days
i go outside,

into a high fenced yard
I think i am closer to freedom

i sleep outside
afraid that if i go in
i wont be able to go back out

that doesn't stop them

i am in a different room now
no windows
no beds

i just want to go home

you steal everything from me
my style
my friends
my name

It hurts when you take what's mine, and make it your own

but it's better than I could have ever done

i want to write
but
i dont remember how

my head hurts
i am sick
isnt it obvious
cold then hot then cold again
i have to have a fever
this is real

i am sick.
sick in my head
sick in my chest
sick in my knees

that are scraped because
i just couldnt
stand anymore

scream
loud,
be
heard,

its ok

most of my stories
i have no name for
i cant really express
how a title can change the story

its like a person
with an assigned name
and you expect them
to live that name

for instance, Ashley
she is a fun loving blonde
or brunet, who loves to party
she dresses in ripped jeans and crop tops,
that may be a little too short

Or Jessica
who is the meanest ***** in the school
she wears ****-skirts
and sparkly tops,
that always accentuate her chest

the stereotypes that live in highschools
strangle everybody
who fits within them
even if they aren't them

Ashley just wants to be called Ash
and wear baggy T-shirts
and sweatpants

Jessica wants to be called Jess
and go by They/them pronouns

People should be able to fit on
where they want
not where they have to
to survive

relapsing is part of healing
just because you relapse
doesn't mean you lost all of your progress

You were there
and then you weren't

you left so **** suddenly

I didn't miss you at first
i was sad you left

You haven't answered me for over a week
you're too busy for me now

i guess you found someone better
just like i said you would

my lover is leaving
dancing far away with another
her name, Nin
and as she goes
so does Will
Will who?
Will to live, of course
Nin and Will run far away
leaving gaps in the seats of the theater
empty spaces that will be filled
with people clothed in red
wearing masks labeled
happy
love
nice
giving kisses that leave you empty
flowing out into the bedsheets,
the bedsheets that you and Nin used to hide under
when the thunderstorm hit
when the lightning flashed
and you and Nin watched movies
until Will came in and tucked you to sleep
taking Nin with him,
and you would sleep peacefully,
knowing that they are right outside the door

but when you wake up
there is somebody else in your house
in the spaces that should've been filled
they whisper their names,
they could never speak loud enough to be noticed
Mia
Ana
Nia
There will be no more calm in this house
it is filled with the sound of shattering glass
breaking bones and ripped clothes
ring through the shell of a house
the house that once stood tall
now slumps in front of a heavy backpack
not able to be heard or seen

and you wait for the return of Nin
and for Will to make their way back in

and they come back
in the form of a blue pill
oblong in shape, and glimmering in the light
almost as beautiful as Nin was
and the ingredients on it say
Serotonin

words scrawled across my skin
words that i cant read
only feel
they carve themselves into my flesh
a constant reminder that they are there
and i am nowhere

and even though i cant take the pain from the words
the pain will fade
it always does

until there are more words to be carved
printed into my skin,
never to be forgotten
but not quite remembered

why is it
so much harder
to write
in the dark?

In time
Everywhere
Makes me feel
Like I’m
S U F F O C A T I N G

Spiders roam through my open ears
there are slugs in my mouth
there are flies in my eyes

these are my disguise

hiding in my mind
body inhabited by bugs
never to be seen again

i'm sitting in English class
looking at the others around me
there's two girls in this class
there's nineteen guys in my class
I look at their faces
but only when they are looking away
i cant be seen
observing
watching
it seems creepy
but the thing that's creepy
is that they all have sad eyes
there's no light behind them
what happened to that light
how can it be turned back on
with drugs and alcohol?
because that's what they do
how can they be helped
because they need help

music is important
to me

my father doesnt like music

I cant see why or how,
its a distraction
from the noise

the droning noise
that follows me
everywhere

even when i'm alone
when i'm at home
the droning
the noise

ringing
crashing
screaming
crying

the noise that is drowned out
by a simple melody

a simple hum when driving
whistling when walking
music when crying

music is important

If I hide they won’t find me


Please don’t let them find me

i've turned my guns to fists
but now what do i do with this
this war in my head
it despises me instead
i try my best to succeed
but i just want to concede
these monsters in my bones
have made themselves at home
and i find myself
f
  a
     l
       l
         i
           n
              g
down to greet them
knocking on their doors
tasked with doing their chores
to help them rip me apart
as they start toward my heart
and with everything i have
i will not let them take
me down with them to that place
where there is no me
and there is no you
just nothing at all

The only cells
In my body that
I love are
The dead ones

i'm at school again
the skinniest girl here
calling herself fat

I'm at school again
earbuds
with no music

I'm at school again
i really
don't want to be here

cacophonous crying

screaming sabotage

all of this noise
not being heard

or not being said

I'm Exhausted
Always watching what i say
so as to not upset the people around me
making them feel better before i do
Being there for everyone else

If i talk to them about how i feel
it just makes them feel worse
talking them off the edge
while I'm hanging from it
is the hardest thing I've ever had to do

i fear i'm drowning
i'm searching for the words to write
i need to express these feeling
in some way healthy
so i write
i write
i write
i write
i write stories that have no ending
and ****** poems
just to validate myself
i want to get rid of these feelings
so i write
i write
i write

these old wounds that mar my skin
etched into the memory of myself
these bodies have memories
and if mine were made into a movie
it would be one hell of a horror story

i was raised in a nice home with good parents
and plenty of food for me to eat
and plenty of clothes for me to wear
so why do i bear these scars

i have an incredible support line
people who love and care about me
even my co-workers see that
why can't I?

if our happiness was determined by our support system
then i would be the happiest ******* person on the planet

my tombstone will read:

took so much
gave so little

gone so soon
but not soon enough

getting yelled at by someone you love
the'yre shaking with anger
angry by what you have done

and you don't have the ability to care
cant find it in yourself to
understand that they're saying
cant see why they're upset

you know what you've done is stupid
but you don't care

he tries his hardest to be seen
he stands tall
he looks mean
but still there's this look in his eye
hes just trying
trying to survive
he is trying to live
he wants to succeed
in his dream

Everything hurts
the only thing keeping me going most of the time
is the pills prescribed to me

I don't want to do this anymore

im tired

Set reminder

You’re not funny
Not happy
Not good enough

But you know what?
I’m fine lol

sleep isn't something that's common anymore
always trying, but never succeeding
vile things haunt my peripheral
everything changes, but change is constant

my mind is poisoned
everybody is watching me

perfect is what i should be
lets take a nap together
eloquent is what your face is
always looking up
staying close,
even when i push you away

everything is numb again
i'm back in that familiar grey
the grey that weighs down my shoulders
it lays on my chest and
traps my breath in my lungs.

****
these monsters in my bones
they claw away at me

my life my soul, my dignity
i need it back

please

please

save me

this is a cry for help

longing for attention

dont let me go

back

back to that place
the familiar darkness
that creeps around me

steals the air from my lungs
and the blood from my veins

i long for the end

or the before

when there was nothing
but me

or the end

where there is no more adjusting

i hate the process
breaking and healing

then breaking more

i worry that i wont heal
from this

anymore

I’m sorry that I find this house suffocating
I’m sorry that the home that you have created for me is no longer good

I’m sorry I’m so clingy
I’m sorry I’ve made you my emotional support without your permission

That wasn’t fair of me

I’m so tired
I’ve pushed my body to its limits

To my limits

Who knows how far this body
Is willing to go

To survive

I take the pills that are given to me
sometimes a few too many
but what are they there for?
if not to help
the Prozac burns while it clings to the walls of my throat
because i tried to take it without water
because if i drink water
then my body will think i care about it
and i don"t

The longest relationship I have
Is the most toxic one in my life
I wish I could end it
But I just keep getting pulled back in

There comes a time,
And for a while she leaves me alone
And I think she is gone

But then she is back
Asking for money like a deadbeat dad
Except I have no money
I already have it to her

So she carved the money out of me
Rectangles of my skin
Hung and dried
A terrible form of currency

But it pays her off
For a while

I should be sleeping

falling apart
in shreds at your feet

will you help
put me back together?

I realized
People with depression describe it as sad
People who are sad describe it as depression
Why can’t we figure out that they are not the same?

everything angers me
these trivial classes im forced to sit through
i just want to scream
and tell them all what i think
but i wont do that
so i will suffer
in silence

Here lies
All of my lies

An epitaph

Why must I be depressed?