my science teacher has no anxiety

i wonder what thats like

I’m sad today

I’m learning
How hard it is
To run
From your problems

I watched every car

Hoping it was you

How do you do this?
The fight with your brain that the empty is there and you just want to get rid of it but you can’t figure out how

It’s like a car crash,
You drive a little fast, a little recklessly one too many times
But what could go wrong?
Nothing has ever gone wrong before
So you go a little too fast
It’s not your fault if somebody else is drunk
You didn’t make that decision for them

You wake up in the hospital
Bandages around your arms
Broken legs from trying to lift yourself up when you were crushed

And you swear to never drive again
That was too close
You could’ve died

But the next day
You have to go to school
Your parents have already left for work

You slip into that familiar drivers seat
The steering wheel fits perfectly around your hands
The grasp just right,
The grooves from where you nervously rip your hands
And you find yourself accelerating
Faster and faster

There’s already been an accident once
What’s the chance of a second one?

these words that we are writing
spewing out into a hungry void
looking for the best lighting
to showcase our masks
show how not broken we are
how free that we can be
how we are not weighed down by tar
stuck to our feet
when we try to get free
we scream to be heard
but need to see
that we
are free

I hate it when people say stuff like:
“You’re so brave for battling your depression like that”

I am not battling it
Not anymore
The harder I fight back the worse it gets
So I am living with it

We made peace together,
Not a functioning peace
But it is calm

Like the calm before a storm
Or a fire

Because it is quick to ignite itself at the slightest able chance

So I am not battling depression

I am battling myself

GOOGLE:

how to help someone
when you cant even help yourself

to the woman who scowled at me when i was working
it made me sad, scared, afraid
i thought i was doing something wrong
your rudeness cut to my core
and you dont even care
today was a bad day for you, so why **** on mine?
maybe i shouldnt be so delicate
so willing to get hurt
maybe i should just close everybody off
spiral back down into that dark grey
get stuck in the mud
push everybody away
go home
be alone
again

the feeling that what i did was right
telling someone else
i am not equipped for the pressure of keeping another person alive
i can barely find it in myself to stay alive
i need to sleep
i don't want to be awake anymore
the feeling of being useless is killing me
i need to be heard so that i know you are listening
im sorry that these things went down in this way
but i am not sorry for the decisions that i made
to get help
for you
when i am not good enough to help you myself

When I’m at work
Sometimes I am a total *******
I believe it’s to make my coworkers hate me
So when anxiety creeps up and tells me
That none of my coworkers like me

It’ll be true this time

Why the hell would I want to torture myself like that?
That’s absolutely crazy to do that

Yet here I am

when someone is sick, their body gets feverish, their body tries to purge the sickness from them, forcing it out until they get better, or die
my body is fighting an infection inside my brain. there is no fever no chills, no shaking. the only way to see the infection is to wait
wait until it gets so bad that it starts showing up on your body
in the form of red lines or dark bruises, there is no beating this infection. it is in every atom of my being, i have to learn to live with it
or die from it.
and sometimes my body just gets too weak to keep fighting
i think that it is the end, that there will be no more sickness. but i claw my way back up, to just above the surface, breathing in the air, and making sure that i am still fighting. i am still alive.

Crying Prozac tears tonight

theres a phrase
**** hit the fan
i wonder who is throwing the **** up
there has to be a reason that the **** ended up on the ceiling
it didnt just happen
playing with fire will get you burned, but who cares about the scars as long as they are covered.
why are you throwing the ****?
i cant understand.

Good morning
Good morning depression
Good morning self loathing
Good morning anxiety
Good morning ADD

Good night stability
Good night happiness
Good night understandings
I’ll see You later

When I finally wake up from this nap

the monsters in my bones
clay away at my skin
begging to be let out
like a dog seeing a squirrel
the rip and tear away at me
destroying me from the inside out

i try to write on my own
without having someone it read
but it is very hard to keep everything to yourself
they say to let it out in a journal
but where does it go from there
it stays in your back pocket
or in your backpack

i write for myself
but for people to read
and to see

I saw the help button on here
I almost impulsively pushed it
Trying to get help for myself
Then I realized that the button
Is if anything goes wrong
On this site
Not with me

Hahaha

my head is wired a little different
the need to not be scowled at
not be ignored
to allow work to be just work
and not an escape
not something to bring relief
when you cant hold still
when you cant move
and you just beg for forgiveness

theres a part of me
that hates my body
that wants to tear me apart
eat at my heart
and never let me breathe