i can see you in the stains on my glasses.

We weren't each other's firsts but if we let that get to us we won't be each other's last.

I hate that I'm up thinking about you when I know I hardly cross your mind. Thinking about my lost innocence. Thinking about how everyone's told me that I'm older now and need to move on. And I have, but I can't forget the feeling.
As a child you're supposed to feel loved, wanted, adored, yet I always felt like I was a burden. You may be asking yourself, why? Well, maybe it was because I tried to hold my father's closed fists.

I love listening to sad music.
Because it makes me feel sad.
And I suppose I'm crazy for liking that feeling.
But that feeling is so nice and refreshing.
To have my stomach churn, and my hands to get clammy.
Sad music speaks to my soul.
Because I am a sad person at heart.
It was my plan, and his intentions for me.
To be sad and depressed.
But who dare to say that's a bad thing.
It's only a perception that it is.
Maybe being sad is good.
Maybe being sad helps.
Maybe being sad is the best feeling you can feel.
The angst inside is splendid.
So I'll continue to listen to my sad songs.
And I'll continue to be sad.
But do not have pity for me.
I am happy with the way I am.

i kept knocking on wood, too bad it was laminate.

the rain drops still dripping from the early morning rain
the air conditioner right next my head that lies upon a pillow
the sound of the t.v drowned out but you can still dimly hear the voices cackling and cheering for the late nite t.v show host
and there lies my body in between all of this as i try to sleep
as my mind runs through so many things
thinking about everything, the past, the future, the present.
all of the noises come back as i just try to rest but i cant
life has got me by the claws and wont let go
but that's okay
at least something hasn't let go of me yet

i fill these voids inside of me with the things i don't need, the things that i perceive as happiness.
all people have their voids and all people have their fillers.
some have clothes and shoes and jewelry.
some have money and fame and colleagues.
some have ***, drugs and rock and roll.
but when it comes down to it their is still that void, it's just filled to the brim with stocking stuffers.
so once you unclog the drain and all of the things come pouring out, your just a 10 pound brain piloting a slab of meat with a hole inside of you.
the hole that has been scratched out by people and misfortune and lies and deceit.
but you still have your brain... and your slab of meat, which is more than some could say they have.
so you have to move on to the next location with your void... to try and fill it.
but the thing is your still walking around with the problem.
you think that if you move and make new acquaintances the void will be filled and the past will be corked and thrown into the ocean like a bottle floating waiting to be found.
but you can't throw your bottle into the ocean because it's the only bottle you have.
it's the only life you have.
you have to find a way to not avoid the problem or try to get rid of it.
but to put the past in the past and live in your present and continue on with your future.
that's why they call it a present.. because it's a gift to even have one.

everyone is dead when i'm alive..
and alive when i'm dead.

my heart is ice cold and for once it's melting when i look into the soul of another rather than cracking from all of the pressure.
i look into her eyes and i see infinity.
i see her devotion.
i see- well i see as much as she allows.
and that's quite alright.
for i am only here for as long as she allows it.
and i used to write of love not knowing what i was talking about, and now i wrote of love still not knowing what i'm talking about but i'm a little lighter in my loafers.
and she makes me happy.
i thought my heart was shattered into oblivion but now it's got a bandaid on it...
with the letters: H. E. R. S.

I now know why they call it heartbreak.
Not because your heart literally breaks but because your chest becomes so heavy you feel as if your heart has sank into oblivion and shattered.
Every moment from now on when you feel love you'll be so uneasy and your heart will be so hollow you can't feel anything for anyone.
The thought of being hurt again will rise as will your barrier blocking everyone out.
I now- I now know why they say that you need time.
I now know why most people aren't in contact with their ex's.
I now know why people jump off of buildings and invade their blood stream with poison of all kind.
I now know why people throw the word love around, or why they don't say it at all.
I now know that no matter how many "I'm sorry"'s there are they fix nothing.
I now know that this is not a phase.
I now know that my heart is too big for my sleeve and I'm filing an eviction notice.
I know now what I did not know before.. and boy were they right when they said curiosity killed the cat.

A poem is a wound, turned to words.

i liked the way you made me feel
until you didn't make me feel that way anymore
so i let you go
but was that the right thing to do?
i have a void, that i've been trying to fill
ever so carelessly
drugs, ***, rock'n'roll
i've lost control
hell, i don't want to be in control
i want others to control me
i want someone to constantly be there and reassure me
but everyone leaves or i push them away
and i'm left with the biggest hole of agony inside
that can never be filled...
love is conditional.
love is stupid and blind and erratic and irrational.
love cares for no one.
so maybe it's not love i'm looking for?
maybe it's to erase the past
but time is a cruel thief.
time is selfish and careless.
and we waste him so he wastes us.
i am wasted.
no, not drunk.
but rather a ship, wasted at sea.
stuck in the sand of the past.
with this hole of agony... filling up with unwanted things.

Mama said ''Don't trust boys they'll leave you with a broken heart.''
I said ''Yeah well that's alright I've been broken from the start.''

i came into this world 23 chromosomes of her and 23 of him
i came into this world for them to use me against each other
i came into this world for them to treat me like an object
THEIRS
no individuality
just...
theirs

years go by and i've started to discover myself
and as my petals open up and i bloom into the flower i'm supposed to be
i am rejected and have petals torn off one by one
"you're not gay"
"you shouldn't cut your hair"
"you look like a boy"
"you look so grungy and messy"
"your name is Kaylee"

but i was max
i was gay
i cut my hair
i looked like a boy sometimes
i wear band t-shirts and ripped jeans
but it's not enough
my individuality isn't taken into account
i am not a blooming flower
i am a mere seed
i have yet to be what they want me to be
and so therefore i am not anything
"it's all a phase"
"in 10 years you'll look back on this and feel so dumb"

i will never be enough
not for them
not even for myself now
nothing is good enough
i fight the hatred with knowledge and pride
and now i've just learned to stand to the side
as they come with their pesticide to run me back into the ground
tuning me out until i learn how to not make a sound

my body is aching
my heart is heavy
my stomach is churning
i'm nervous and shaky
i haven't slept
i don't like my mindframe at this moment

don't wait.. because it always ends up being too late.

and i'll never live..
*i'll just exist miserably.

You were the blue-haired idiot savant that I wanted to sweep me off my feet.
However you left me trying to figure out who I was, with a shaved head and blue heart.
You've made me feel lost yet helped me find myself.
I don't understand your role in my life, but I'll never erase you from the narrative.

and as i lay here, alone, smelling your shirt, i cry
i realize that just a week ago, a mere seven days you wrote of being in love with me and now you can't even text me back
i realize that you were my first love
i realize that i'll never get back what we had
i realize you gave everyone a second chance but now you can't even look me in my eyes
i realize i'll see you again and i don't know how to prevent my body from crumbling
i realize i can't erase the memories
the things we shared
the teddy bear
your kisses
your dumb laugh
your voice
your hands in my hair
it's all gone
and i realize i've lost yet another
while i can't help but feel as if i'm just another notch on your belt
im sorry
as i write that and repeat it in my head a million times
i realize that i'm used to taking responsibility for everything
so go ahead and point your finger if you want
as long as you realize my love for you was real
my care
my consideration
my tears
my smiles and laughter
but that's gone now, no happily ever after
another chapter closed off
lonelier now than ever
missing your love
as i'll never receive it again

all of them just come and go.
and they never love,
and they never care.
they just come...

and they just go.

I look up to the sky as I'm on my knees with my hands folded.
''Why Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Why have you let your child suffer? Do you like watching me suffer? Why have you made my life like this?''
Nothing.
Nothing.
Just Nothing.
Silence.
I shed a tear and as it rolls down my cheek and hits my hands I think to myself.
''I'm talking to no one. I'm talking to thin air.
How are we supposed to know if there is a God or if there isn't?''
But then I think.
''Maybe I shouldn't blame him for my life being the way it is. Maybe it's all my fault, after all if there is no God then it would be my fault.''
I get up and walk from the field of flowers to my home.
On my way I keep thinking about it.
''Is he real? If he was real he'd show us a sign, he'd make our lives wonderful, he'd let there be peace in the world and make all things right.''
Then it hits me, some people just use God as a man to put all their troubles onto, ''Dear God, let my financial troubles go away!'', ''Dear God, let a man come into my life!'', ''Dear God, make my life turn around for the better!''

You don't get those things until you try.
We praise the Lord to show him thanks for making our lives better than some, giving us working organs, a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, money, etc.
Not to push all of our unhappiness onto and ask for more.
If you're not pleased with your life then take a stand and change it.
No one can fix it but you.
Life is challenging and hard and at times people think it's not worth it to live anymore.
But you see life is the best gift you could ever get.
Isn't it?
Think about it.

where is the line between creativity and insanity?

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

To most she was broken.
To herself she was just fragments lying carelessly among the floor.
But to him she was life.
In his mind he took all of her pieces and put them together.
He never saw her as anything more than her and that was enough.
He only ever saw the good about her.
He was blinded by her beauty and wit.
And she was blinded with who she really was, behind closed doors the person only she saw, disgusted with herself.
But he'd never be.
He'd only ever love her and see her as life.
The only life he'd ever want to lead.

The architecture that goes into building a human I will never understand.
For it is too astonishing for anyone to wrap their head around.
The time, effort and beauty that goes into making even the most evil people.
Everyone has their own beauty.
And their own attraction to others that were built the same or complete opposite way.
In a long and complicated process making them who they are on the inside and what they portray to be on the outside.
Because the exterior can only cover so much before what is on the inside shimmers through the smallest crack.

i made a friend… she left me in the end.

but i had her for a quick moment.

….then was that friendship?

we don't get to choose who we love,
and as i chose to love you
i watched you turn into a friend
into a lover,
and into a stranger.
i just wish the process would've gone slower.
maybe then i could've enjoyed it all.
sat back and watched as our story unfolded.
and ended.

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

Nobody texts, nobody calls.
Nobody cares until they've found out that my blood has been splattered on the wall.

I find it sad how one minute you can hold someones hand and tell them you love them and the next they can be gone for eternity.
I haven't lost someone in a bit but whenever I do another piece of me gets chipped away.
Losing a family member or a friend, maybe even just an acquaintance it gets under your skin.
Knowing you can never hold another conversation, or shoot them a quick text.
Never hearing their voice again, they're gone forever.
Buried in the ground away from society.
And we wonder, has their soul survived and carried on to the Heaven we hear of and debate over?
Or are they in solitude?
We'll never know.
Until of course we slip into the light.. or darkness.
And the people cry over us.
Knowing that we're gone.
Never being able to return to the day to day routine of life.
Dead.. I suppose that's what they'd call it.

'I love you to the moon and the stars.' she said.
And then she fled.
To actually go to the moon.
The Astronaut I fell in love with.
That left me too soon.

Memories fade as the seasons change,
and as the year is almost over,
I still remember everything about you.

And I started to wonder if we were really ever anything
Because I thought we were in my head
I thought we were this beautiful thing
But in reality we were nothing
And I had hoped that it was the first one
But it turned out to be the second
I was second to everyone else
I gave and gave and gave until my heart gave out
And all you could do was stand and stutter when I asked for something in return
So you started to distance yourself and I started to stay up at night thinking about you
About the obvious connection we had but the fact that you didn't want me because you couldn't handle something real
I felt you cover me up with the covers when I fell asleep
And when you asked if you could give me a happy birthday kiss on my cheek
You gave me your sweatshirt
And you were the most unemotional person yet when I was leaving you cried
Now it's almost one year later and you pop up occasionally
Asking me how I am
Well here's how I am
I'm an emotional wreck
I miss our friendship
I think about you every night
I think about the what ifs
I wonder why you've lied to yourself for so long
And why you strung me along
You were perfectly imperfect
I threw myself at you and I must admit I regret it
Because I wish I could take back all the feelings I invested
In someone so broken
I go for the broken
I'm broken
I feel like nothing is real anymore
I'm jealous of others love one minute then the next I think love isn't real at all
I try to succeed and focus on school
But my depression and suicidal thoughts race and I always go back to thinking about you
You
Why can't you love me?
Why can't you see what I see?
Why are you so mean to you?
Why were you so mean to me?
You pushed me away
And now we're so far apart
Emotionally that is
Physically we are only 4 hours and 18 minutes away
I look it up from time to time
You meant the world to me
You were my best friend
And as I sit here and write this sappy ****
I realize just how much time I've wasted over you
My energy
My youth
3 years
I want to stop
I'd like to think I've matured since our escapade last year
I'd like to say I never think about you
I'd like to say that I don't smell the sweatshirt you gave me
I'd like to say that I've given up on you ever reciprocating the feelings I have for you
I'd like to say those feelings are gone
But I'd be lying to myself
I wish you'd stop lying to yourself
But what's the point
I should move on
I know
But as long as you continue to like my Instagram pictures
And message me occasionally
My 14th year of life will continue to be wasted on you
As was my 12th and 13th
I pray my 15th isn't

And sometimes the people in your life you thought you needed to survive, aren't all that significant after all.

the worst lie i ever told was "i love you"
my best truth was realizing it

all the good ones die.

or become no longer good.

they always said writing would help
and it does
but i'm not talking to you
i'm facing a piece of paper
which starts me off somewhere...
so dear dad,
how have you been?
still sober?
still raising her children?
still blaming all of your life's misfortunes on me?
how am i doing?
i'm doing alright
i get sad at night
when i'm alone
and i think of all the things you've said
and then everything is piled up in my head and i can't hear anything but your voice
your coy, manipulative, voice
if only you would have known how wrong you were
when you said i'd never make it in the real world
or find somebody to love me
or be happy
you see, i listen to the songs we used to listen to in the car while i drive
but at least i'm driving
and when i lay in my girlfriend's arms i get scared of how vulnerable i'm being
but at least i don't have a wall up
and i still hurt myself in more ways than one
but at least it's not as bad as it was
and i still see your face when i look in the mirror
but at least i have individuality and i'm molding myself to be better than you
and i still think about the night that i was assaulted in your home, and i know you heard me scream "NO, NO, NO"
but at least i still have respect for myself
and i still ponder on the thought of ending my life whenever i remember you handing me your pocket knife
but at least i'm still alive
and i still think about when you said i'd never have friends and i'd be all alone once i was dead
but at least i make a social effort
while you don't speak to your children
and granted i don't make an effort to speak to you
but it's because you are wrong
in every thing you say
and in every thing you do
you are wrong
in the way that you laid your hands on me
or in the way that you watched as so many others did
you are wrong
in that i am alone
because i am not
you are wrong
in that i'll never find happiness
because for once in my miserable life i realize when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
you are wrong
when you say that i'm going to hell for loving
because right now i feel like i'm in heaven
you are wrong
when you say that no one will ever love me like you
because i now know that a father doesn't treat me like you
but at least...
i know you are wrong
and that is all of the gratification that i need to be done with you and this letter
so i sign this saying, you are wrong, but at least... i am strong.
- Maxine

i no longer know how to express my feelings correctly
i don't feel
i embody
i am hurt
i am anger
i am...
what am i?
who am i?
what the **** am i doing?
i have all of these questions and no answers
i'm so confused
i had a friend
she used to lie to me and tell me she loved me
she once told me that i was a daisy in a field of grass
and although that may be true
i feel like the daisy's been stomped on
and the field is infested with snakes
i am scared
i am lonely
i am weak
i talk to a shrink two times a week
she makes me feel okay
but then i realize that i can't sit in that coffee scented office for the rest of forever
that she's not my caretaker
who is my caretaker?
why has everyone given up on me?
why did she look at me and tell me she loved me and then bag my things up and dump me on somebody else?
why did he tell me i was unworthy?
why did he **** me?
why did my mom choose sleeping over looking at the sun?
or even better, watching her daughter look at the sun.
why did that girl in fifth grade tell everyone that there was dog **** on my floor so that no one wanted anything to do with me?
i am so sorry that my mother's inability to walk and pick it up made you so uncomfortable you felt the need to rid me of friends.
as if it wasn't hard enough having a mother who couldn't stand up long enough to make me mac n' cheese, or watch me ride a bike.
why did all of those girls lead me on?
saying they wanted me when they didn't.
telling me i was their best friend and they couldn't live without me when in reality i was just a meal ticket and a free place to live.
tell me why i look at the girl i'm in love with and can't accept that she loves me back?
tell me why i have to beg my father for a relationship and pray that i get a phone call every time a holiday comes around?
tell me why i've carved so many things into my body to make myself feel more whole?
tell me why everyone lies and deceits and manipulates and, and, and....
daisy in a field of grass?
now, i don't know about that.

I hate the saying ’You have to love yourself before you can love others.’ Because you never even truly know who YOU are entirely. So how can you love somebody you don’t know? Lots of people do it very easily. But it’s just hiding from the reality of it all, of not knowing who you ‘love’ or yourself. Guess love is just an easily tossed around word at this point. Which is sad because it once had a definition and meaning to it all and now people just love everything without even knowing what love is itself.

this town looks more and more sad every day, perhaps it's my own demise setting into the skies.
the temperature of my body taking presence in the air.
the wind in my hair
but no heat in my bones.
i can feel my body shrinking out of my clothes.
she gave me the kiss of life but now it's been taken away.
so now i sit inside and watch as i decay.
these four walls surround me much like the chambers of my heart.
i've started to realize, only i rip myself apart.

Life is a beautiful lie and Death is the ugly truth.

People get tired of you being sad, and then they leave, even when they promised they wouldn't.

She conjured up the most beautiful blade.
And cut into the most beautiful thing.
Herself.

dot dot dot
just three simple periods together
so little
yet they speak volumes
filling in the spaces you have no words to fill
just three mere little pixelated specs
dot dot dot

nothing i do will ever be good enough for you

It’s odd how the ugly in some can bring out the beauty in others.

As when someone makes you upset and you try to find the good in people or the world, and you turn around and there is a sunset, or a flower.

Just beauty in it’s simplest form, jumping out at you in the most insignificant way.

Making your skies not so grey.

Lots of people are afraid of the dark, because they fear what is not visible.
But isn't the light more scary?
For you can see everything that strikes fright all throughout your body out in the open, staring you in the face.
The light makes all of the horror come to life, for in the dark nobody can see what is going on.
And ignorance is bliss....
The night is bliss.

Have you ever tried to hurt yourself?
Externally no.
Internally, all the time.

I'm too happy for my circumstances.
But then when they get better the anguish sets in.