She once played beautiful music but now she's just a broken record.

i feel numb.
you told me, "beware for i do not think when i speak"
and i've tried so hard to pry my heart off of my sleeve
so i do not feel like it's breaking and start sprinting towards the door wanting to leave
i don't know who's pushing who farther away
yet we're still carelessly pushing, not knowing if we'll end up pushing too hard causing the other to not want to stay
this scares me
see you think i'm blind and deaf and unresponsive
yet, i've been where you are, with a longing heart realizing how conditional love is
everyone usually walks away so you start walking away first
once you're far enough away, you start building your wall
one brick of mommy and daddy issues here and there
assault
lies
abandonment
hurt
jealousy
and then you're satisfied that no one can get to you
but miserable because no one can get you
and you can't let that show so you try to make yourself believe that all is well and you're happy guarding your heart from everyone
but you're not
and i'm not
because you're guarding your heart from me
and i'm not asking for the key
but i'm asking for a window
where i can see inside
it can stay barred for a bit if that's what you'd like
enough for you to see the sunshine
and watch as i make countless efforts to chip away at those dumb bricks and replace them with love
hope
reassurance
but i don't know if that'll make a difference
so just know, i'm here
and that's not a lot
for i feel i am not enough for myself to carry on
but that's me, that's another poem, for another time
for right now, i'm talking about you, and how i crave for your numbness to go away... yet i sit, numb.

I have no one,
so I run back to the ones who don't care the most.

Life experiences make good stories.
So I suppose I'm a great story teller.

what i love about you most is your voice when you're tired
or maybe it's your smile
or the way you say my name
the way you are willing to stick around because you aren't like the others and you have no selfish agenda
the way you'd kiss my scars, or kiss my lips
the way you care about who i care about
your heart and soul
which you poured into me when i didn't even know how to stand
your charm
your glossy eyes
our friendship
our long talks
our "goodnight"'s
although i'm glad they aren't goodbyes
because i love your good morning texts most of all
your acknowledgement that i'm a person with feelings
feelings for you
for everything you do

you said, "cry me a river".
and so i did.
but then you complained because you didn't have a boat.

the lady in red
who lived in my head
used to come to me
and it all started at around age 3
she was sweet and nice and very pleasant
but behind that all she was just a peasant
she was there in all of my times of need
she was strong and blunt and always wanted to protect me
but only I could see her and it was just our little secret you see
she told me 'If you tell anyone that you can see me they'll think you're crazy and take you off to a bad place.'
so I never told anyone so I could continue to see her face
around the time I was 8 she left me alone
'You don't need me anymore you're all grown.'
'You're smart and old in the brain, you can take care of yourself now so I can't stay.'
she was on her way and nothing could stop her
I begged and begged but she was an admonisher
so I let her leave and I never saw her again
the lady in red
she was my best friend

Where will you be when all goes dark?
Where will you be when the world ends?
Where will you be in your lonely hour?
Who will be with you?
Who will be your friend?
Who will love you until the end?
How will you know if it's going to be alright?
How will you know if your just going to sit in the dark after your life?
Why will it happen?
What or who will trigger it?
Do you know?

my mother taught me how to share
i never had an "i don't wanna" moment
i was respectful and kind and never claimed anything was fully "mine"
however now i don't want to share
i don't want to see her with someone that's not me
i don't want to see instagrams of her calling someone else babe
or snapchats of her new "princess"
call it being greedy or jealous
but i don't want her to be someone else's
just as i don't want to be with anyone other than her
i want her mouth only on mine
call it possessiveness or whatever you want
i want her to be happy i just want it to be with me, i don't want her "i love you's" to fade to "i care", or "i'm still here"
i long for her touch and her presence
i feel as if i didn't appreciate what i had when i had it
and now somebody else might steal my baby
and i don't want to share...

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

hospital gowns
wedding gurneys
ashes to ashes
you are my end-all

my love for him is wholehearted, however, it seems like i can't love him correctly anymore?
i can't put my arms around his waist, or touch his chest, or hold him certain ways.
i used to be understanding when it came to the lack of p.d.a because i agreed that it was inappropriate.
but, now, i feel like the girl that he just holds on to because he feels like no one else will accept him how he is.
under the binder, behind the socks in his underwear.
i don't care which gender he is because i fell in love with who he is at heart.
but anymore, i'm scared his heart is changing.
his mind definitely is, from putting on mascara 6 months ago to trying to make a shadow.
i am understanding.
i am loving.
but i am not benevolent.
or all-knowing.
but who knew loving someone unconditionally would come with so many conditions?

I look down at the gun in my hand, and although it's not a mirror I see a reflection of what I've become.
Why am I sitting here wanting to end my life?
How did I get here?
Why did I let the cruel people in this world push me into the predicament I'm in right now?
I stand up and look in the actual mirror.
''You're okay.'' I say.
I know in my mind that I'm not actually okay, but to hear someone say that I am even if it is myself saying it, it makes me see a glimpse of hope.
The hope that I didn't have 3 minutes earlier when I was holding the gun in my hand.

i never thought i'd make it this far.
let's start with that.
i never thought i'd have someone look me in my eyes and tell me they're in love with me and see such a bright future, with... me.
i never thought i'd live through all of the pain, agony, torture, slices and burns on my arms and legs, yelling, screaming, and dark hallways.
i never thought i'd find a light.
i never thought it would be hiding within myself, just waiting for the spark to ignite all that i am worth.
i am more than their cruel words and intentions.
i am more than circumstance and ****** situations.
i am more than anyone expected me to be.
and everyday i grow and surpass all of that more and more.
i am 16, going on 17.
and for once, there is light, there is a future, there is kindness.
my eyes have never been so open.
i hope no one comes to close them again.

Love is love so once you give it you can't get it back.
Love may be a game, but it doesn't work quite like that.
When you love someone that love never goes away.
Even if you feel like you hate them because of the pain.

oh boy,
i haven't left the house other than to go to therapy
i haven't surrounded myself with people
i haven't found a hobby
i'm alone
i'm scared
i don't know if it's of myself or of what's around the corner
i'm in agony
i'm up till 3 and awake by 7
i ache
my heart longs for all that's been lost
i am my own demise
i feel like if i stay in bed then nothing bad will happen
i can let the days surpass me and not have any emotional connection with anybody
i can cry
i can bleed
i can temporarily drown myself when i shower
i can not eat
i miss everyone
i miss how things were
before the ****
before the heartbreak
before my fathers imprisonment
before me ******* up constantly and endlessly
before the divorce
before the abuse
before my innocence was ripped away
before i hated myself
before everything
but if that's all inevitable...
maybe i'm just wishing for me to have never been born
for i will never be born again or feel as if i deserved to be brought to life
i took the life of so many others away when mine came into the world
and that is something i can't change
this endless spiral of self-pity and hatred makes me seem so conceited
but in actuality i don't like myself
i don't look at myself when i pass by a mirror
i don't try anymore
because i don't know if i want life after misery or the sweet escape from it all with one
quick
slice

the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's not my father, he doesn't even know what i look like
to have love reciprocated, that's all i really want
abandonment seems like a sweet gesture at this point
i'm tired of threatening and being threatened
i wish someone would just follow through
but then again,
who am i to speak?
endless days in the emergency room,
countless attempts,
no resolve.
no one cares.
when did that happen?
i try not to dwell on the past.
but is it dwelling if i can't tell the difference between 3 years ago and now?

and what will i do after i'm all used up and you've had me at your disposal?

Her smile shines as bright as the sun
Her teeth crooked but still a beautiful smile
Her heart cracked, yet still beating
She's done bad things but she's not a bad person
She wants to explore
Her writings shaky yet smart and simplistic
She's only ever wanted the best for her and others
Her hair cascading down her spine
Long and filled with her secrets and journeys
Her face has no wrinkles because all she ever does is smile
Through the pain and the guilt
The gray hairs have come in because she's been old ever since a young age
Fixing the broken to the best of her ability yet she's still cracked in so many ways
Her fingernails and skin ripped and picked at
She has such good intentions
Her dreams are yet to come true but she has ambition
No money for a long time
But shes been suffice
She wants to live in a nice house, nothing spectacular, but something
She wants to have good memories not bad
She wants to forget the past
She wants to forgive the mean and cruel people
She wants to move on
She wants to be a better person
She wants her writings to not be so dark
She wants so much, but you can want forever and not achieve
She wants to sing for everyone
She wants to be known
Not for who she has been but for who she wants to be
She wants to be her
But who is she?

i am filled with anguish and resentment
i keep loving
and i keep losing
i wish i would win
i wish i didn't feel the need to sin
against my maker
and burn the temple he gave me to the ground
but all i feel is the desire to die
my brain hates me
it makes me think everyone is against me
i don't have anyone anymore
so please don't leave me
i don't get to run my fingers through the little boy's hair anymore
or call my daddy when i'm hurt
and boy, am i hurt
my heart is breaking
my hands are shaking
all i can think about is the wreckage that is my life
i try to distract myself
but all i come back to is
please don't leave me
don't run away like everyone else
i know that it's hard
but i can't make it alone
and all i feel is isolation
so please
take my hand
love me
kiss me
hold me
and for god's sake
please don't leave me

And sometimes you have to lose yourself to find the better version of you.
Like Hide and Seek, it'll take time but the game has to end some time.

our exchanged glances used to be filled with passion
and now they're empty.
where there used to be laughter there is frown lines.
where there used to be skin, there is blood.
where there used to be life, there is death.
you were my favorite melody.
where have you gone?

how does one admit that they are the problem?
how does one accept that they’re a monster?
how does one allow themselves to push away the people they wanted to stay forever?
how does one overcome the thoughts of wanting to join the angels in heaven more than wanting to stay with their angels on earth?
how does one cope?
how does one keep themselves from turning into everything they despise?
i am one.
can someone answer me?