A broken heart
Is filled with memories
Over your head
Like a stormy cloud
That even passing time
And new love
Can’t ever fully erase.
It comes at 2 a.m.
With your love asleep by your side
When the sound of their laugh
Fills your dreams
And worst nightmares.
It’s holding your lovers hard
And hating yourself
For the memories
Of the way their skin felt
Pressed against yours.
It’s going on a date
At a spot that used to be yours
And fighting the tears
As you remember the way they smiled
Each time you arrived.
It’s hearing their name
And feeling your heart stop
Because that word
Hasn’t left your lips
Since they left
And you found another.
It’s hearing your love
Humming your song
And remembering the way t felt
When you loudly belted it in the car together
With out a care in the world.
One never fully recovers
From a broken heart
But finds distractions
To cover the ache.

I never wanted to beg you to stay,
Or for it to come to this at all,
I wanted to be strong and cold.
But instead I lie in the dark
Scared that if you leave
A part of me will go with you.
But the train went off track
And unfortunately it seems
That there may be no turning back.
I didn’t expect our pieces
To be mixed up and broken,
I thought we would be one.
Now I greatly fear that this piece
Won’t ever returnLeaving me shattered on the floor.
I never wanted to beg you to stay,
But if you go
I want that piece of me back.

Once I was
On top of the world

Winning at a game
That I didn’t know
I was playing
As I was cheered on
By eager fans
Boosting my ego

Skipping through the fallen leaves
And slipping recklessly
Through the dangers
Life handed me
Knowing
That if I tripped
Someone was there
To catch me
Before I hit the pavement

But all at once
I fell from the nest
Feeling lost
When I scraped my knee
And nobody was there
Holding a band-aid
Ready to fix me

I wondered
Why it had been so easy
To fall hard
With no broken bones
Or ugly bruises

But nobody had told me
That when I used to fall
It had only been
From Dad’s shoulders

Filling the void
With strangers
In my bed
Searching for you
In their empty eyes
And drinking
Until last call
To ease the deep pain
But there is still a hole
That can only be filled
By letting go of you

I used to feel love
When the sun hit your face
Making your eyes glimmer
And my heart skip a beat
Now all I feel is emptiness
When we’re singing
In the car
To your favorite song
As you glance over
Like I gave you the world
Because you don’t know
That everything we have
Is about to be ruined

They say there’s beauty
In pain
But what is beautiful
About sitting on the bathroom floor,
Tears dripping
Into a puddle of blood,
And crying
Until your breath stops?

The night he took my innocence.
Was the night everything changed.
His shirt had been my favorite color,
A color that I can no longer bare to see.
His laugh,
So pure and happy,
Now haunts my every dream.
Those big blue eyes,
I had once looked at in awe,
Instill a new kind of fear in me,
Each time I see his eyes,
In a new friendly face.
The smell of his cologne,
I had loved so much
Is now revolting.
I was so naïve,
Young and trusting,
And he stole the small amount of innocence,
That I had left.
I will never trust again,
And I will always look behind me,
Fearing who may be there.
They told me it was my fault,
I should have listened,
To what I’d always been taught.
Cover up before you go out,
Don’t accept drinks from strangers,
Stay close to your friends.
But in the moment,
It all seemed right.
He was kind,
His eyes were warm,
And he paid attention to my every word,
Making me feel special,
A feeling that I wasn’t used to.
So like a child,
I trusted his charm.
I would give anything,
To take back my innocence,
To go back and try again.
To cover up,
To make my own drinks,
To stay close to my friends.
But I didn’t,
And I will never get back,
What I left in his bed.
I will keep the memory,
And the paralyzing fear,
Until I become stronger.
Strong enough to realize,
That It wasn’t my fault,
That there was nothing I could’ve done,
And that he was the only one that could’ve stopped it.
The night that ruined my life,
Was all in a stranger’s hands,
In his charming words,
And his breaking touch.
One day I will have the satisfaction of knowing,
That despite his efforts,
He didn’t ruin me,
I survived.

Her hands are always cold
To match her heart
As she wakes up each morning
to put on a mask.
She sees all the colors
The world has to offer
But only shows black and white
To keep the spectators wondering.
She knows how to layer
Because it’s cold outside
And she can’t let it in.
Her eyes are clueless
Because life feels new
And the fear of the unknown
Creates her limit.

New hands smoothly grazing
Where yours once were
Finally the feeling
Of a fresh start
And the sound
Of a brand new laugh
That makes my heart skip
In a different way
Than I felt before
With the adrenaline rush
And wine stained
Chapped lips
Came a warm feeling
And a new comfort
Intertwined on the couch
And white smoke
As I fell into her smile
With my head in the clouds
And arms wrapped around me
A safe new home
Precious and untainted
By old memories

A blue dress
Stained with tears
Dancing slowly
In the moon light
Bare foot and free
Breathing deeply
As the pain sinks in
A memory falls
In a fleeting moment
And fades to blue

Here
In the physical sense
But quite some time
Has passed
Since you’ve been
Present

There’s always
A looming calm
Before a storm
So I waited
In deep fear
And anticipation
For the worst
But the calm
Was so drawn out
That when the storm
Came flying through
Everything was ruined
Faster than I ever
Could’ve imagined

I don’t know what’s coming
The silence is clear
Sharp and painful
And nobody’s near.
I came to get hurt
To be torn apart
With shattered worth
And a broken heart.
I crave the pain
Deep in my skin
Creating warmth
As the darkness seeps in.
There is no telling
What is to come
My mind is racing
And my heart is numb.
I’m a very small piece
On the large scale
Unable to be seen
So I am bound to fail.
The walls are bland
As I look around
For a part of me
That cannot be found.
What will happen
When I see the light
And my soul disappears
Into the night.

She is summer,
Full of laughter and joy
Radiating love and light
Among everyone she sees,
Without a care in the world
She runs free
Adventuring recklessly
Leaving bruises and scraped knees
And losing pieces of herself
As the summer rain begins,
Like the tears she cries
Late at night.
The leaves start to fall
Along with her spirit
And her friends tell her
That her pain is beautiful
Capturing the changes
In pretty photographs,
She feels the air cooling
Sending chills down her spine
And drying up her heart
Like the barren ground
Beneath her feet.
As winter rolls around
She hides away
Fearing the slippery snow
The coats the driveway
And the ice
That has grown in her heart,
She stops talking
And they stop calling
Because her pain
Is no longer beautiful.
As her heart hardens
Into a lifeless seed
That will not sprout,
Spring slowly approaches
The returning warmth
Melting the snow
And revealing fresh soil,
A blank canvas
To paint with life
Turning the seed  
Into a beautiful flower.
And once again
She is summer.

Games are played,
But there is no winner,
It is all or nothing,
In this battle of feelings.
Tugged in one direction,
Only to fall,
Hopelessly over the edge.
Stolen glances,
Emotions spiral,
And can’t be stopped,
Until brutally crushed.

Thoughts circle
Never stopping
Racing to remember
Hoping to forget.

There’s no shutting off
Control center broken
Silence is death
Fear is pain.

The worry explodes
Crumbled on the floor
Guns fire
Water flows.

Left on the streets,
All alone,
Peer through the windows,
But no one's home.

Cry on the door steps,
See all the stares,
Praying for help,
But no one cares.

Beg for forgiveness,
Pace down the roads,
Tell them you're sorry,
But no one knows.

Whisper to the moon,
Voice down low,
Open the door,
But no one's home.

They tell me I look tired,
To get some rest,
But they don’t understand
The way my thoughts race
While I’m trying to sleep
Keeping me up all night.

They make jokes that sting
And ask why I’m so uptight,
But they don’t understand
That I fear everything
And the worrying doesn’t stop
But it’s out of my control.

They mock me
And my fake laugh,
But they don’t understand
That sometimes I’m so down
And my thoughts are so scary
That I use it to hide the pain
Because showing it
Would make them run.

They tell me that I’m too hyper
That I’m an annoyance
And I need to calm down,
But they don’t understand
That sometimes I reach highs
That I can’t control
But they’re easier to witness
Than the terrifying lows.

They say I need to worry less
And tell me to just relax,
But they don’t understand
That if it was that easy
I would be the calmest person
In the world
Because that is all I want.

They tell me my illness isn’t real
That it’s all in my head,
But they don’t understand
That mental illness
Is just as uncontrollable
And painfully fatal
As cancer.

They say I’m crazy
That I’m ****** up and weird,
But they don’t understand
What goes on in my head
And how much it hurts
To be misunderstood.

I watch as I fall,
Slowly down I go,
Into a place of no return.
No longer the same person,
That I used to be.
Once I was always happy,
A smile on my face,
Now I watch from afar,
As the world goes on without me.
The train has left,
But I am still here.
I have taken a long journey,
But got lost on the way,
And nobody can be found,
To help me back home.
The memories of yesterday,
Are forever gone,
And I am left,
With no one.

Always remember to love.
Love with every fiber of your being
And with no regrets.
Let your walls down
And accept the happiness
That you deserve,
And always know
That you are worthy of love.

Always remember to never hold back.
Your feelings are valid
So speak your mind
And don’t worry about what others think.
Accept who you are
And don’t ever let anyone change
The way you think or feel
Because it makes you
The unique person that you are.

Always remember to trust yourself,
Because you are the only one
That will always have your back.
People will come and go
So don’t be numb and cold
But be cautious
About who you open up to.

Always remember to never give yourself away.
The one’s you care for
Are capable of leaving
No matter how hard you try
And how much of yourself you give.
Giving someone your all
Makes you vulnerable
And easy to break
Like a sheet of thin glass
And people will take advantage.

Always remember to be spontaneous.
Dance in the rain
And sing until your lungs give out
Embrace your inner child
And live in the moment.
You are never too old for adventure
And life is too short
To dwell on the past.

Always remember to be passionate.
Stay motivated
No matter how stressful it may get
Because it will be worth it in the end
If you love what you are doing.
And never stop working
Until you have given your all
And reached your goal.

Always remember to fight through the pain.
No matter how hard it gets
Don’t give up.
When it feels like you are drowning
Learn how to swim.
This is only a small chapter
In your life
So turn the page
And start fresh.  

Always remember to live like there’s no tomorrow
Because you never know if there will be.

Love,
Future you

I’m an addict
I love the rush
Of the way it feels
When her lips meet mine
And her hands
Graze over me
Ever so gently
As we are sitting in silence
Because words cannot express
The value of our love
And the way it feels
To exist at the same time
And in the same world
That she does.

To love another person,
Isn’t what one might expect.

Their past holds many secrets,
Always dark and messy,
But can’t be altered,
And will stick with them forever.

The present is spontaneous,
Scary and volatile at times,
But constantly changing,
As we grow and learn.

But to walk into someone’s life,
And change their future.
Is what it takes,
To fall in love.

I am not a human anymore,
I am just a being
Going through the motions,
Conforming to society.
Emotionless and emotional
All at once
Confusing those around me
And myself.
I cannot connect with you
And I don’t want to try
Because I simply do not care
To waste time.
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I am
I am just living
And hoping to survive.
But if I don’t
The world will be just fine
Without me.

My house knows secrets
Of my family
Because it has witnessed
The things we hide behind
Our perfect image
And fake smiles.
It has witnessed the life
And inevitable death
Of our beloved pets
As my father cried
When they were taken away
It has witnessed the screams
Coming from my parents’ room
Late at night
When they thought
That we were asleep.
It has witnessed long nights
When my parents fought,
Us comforting each other
And losing sleep.
It has witnessed the cries
In my darkest times
As I was growing up
And feeling dead inside.
It has witnessed growth
From infancy to adulthood
As we quickly learned
How to survive
In this harsh world.
My house knows secrets
Hidden from the world
But that’s what makes it
My home.

What if you wake up one day
And realize that I’m not the one for you anymore?
That there’s someone out there,
That will love you more than I can.

What if you decide
That I’m just too much?
That I’m a burden that’s holding you back
From your full potential.

What if my smile
Doesn’t make your day the way it used to?
Because there’s someone else
Who makes your heart melt.

What if you don’t need me
Like you used to?
But it doesn’t matter
That I still need you.

What if I’m just not enough
For you anymore?
But you don’t know how to tell me
That it’s over.

What if you have these same thoughts?
And you’re just as scared of losing me
As I am of losing you.
But what if you’re not?

It’s 2:47 AM and you’re all I can think about

They say we have the right to marry
So we should be happy,
They ignorantly ask
Isn’t that enough?

But they don’t understand
The strange fear
Of holding your partners hand in public,
The looks from mothers
As they rush their kids past
Shielding them from our love.

They don’t understand being afraid
Of telling your loved ones
About the one you love,
Hiding it away
As if it is wrong.

They don’t understand
The way the comfort of each others arms
When spending time alone
Vanishes as soon as we step outside.

They don’t understand
The awkward pause in conversation
When mentioning your partners gender
As we see their face change
Along with their mindset.

They don’t understand
The stereotypes we face
Being told we don’t look gay
So it couldn’t possibly be true,
But what does gay look like?

They don’t understand
The denial their family goes through
Saying hurtful things,
Like “it’s a phase”
Because they can’t accept the reality.

They don’t understand
Having to come out
Not just once
But almost daily
To each new person we meet
And the way that each time
It doesn’t get easier to say.

They don’t understand
How much it hurts,
Even the very toughest of us
Have at one point
Struggled greatly
And fought their own feelings.

They don’t understand
The society that they have created for us,
One where we have to celebrate
Our right to marry
When it’s been given freely
To others for years.

They don’t understand
Because they are not us.