The thought of losing you used to scare me.
Now I just feel numb.

I gave up everything
For a boy who just wants to give up.

If I carved the words "I love you"
into every inch of my skin,
would you believe them?
Would you believe me?

If I painted a picture of my heart
with the very blood that it pumps,
would you cherish it?
Would you cherish me?

If I promised that there was no one else,
that there was only you,
would you accept that?
Would you accept me?

They say we leave fingerprints on the lives we touch.
I have been scrubbing at my skin for the past
eight months
trying to erase yours,
but now matter how hard I scrub,
I can still feel you as if
you were still here.

Your love was like poison.
Yet I couldn't get enough.

I love you when I'm high.
Sober me isn't a fan.
Then again, I don't really like anything when I'm sober.
Don't take it personally.

You told me once that you worried more
about other people than yourself.
You worried so much it made you sick.
It kept you up at night
wondering, but mostly hoping, that those you loved
would be okay.

It took me a while to understand this, but now,
now I think I do.
You loved people with everything you had,
and that is harder for me than it ever was for you.
But I found someone that I worry about
more than I worry about myself.

And, god, it makes me sick.
It keeps me up at night
wondering, but mostly hoping,
that he will be okay.

I just really need him to be okay.

What are the chances
that I might just fall asleep
and never wake up again?

I know what it's like to wake up every morning
Wishing you hadn't.
I've pressed the blade to my skin,
Stockpiled on pills,
Written so many notes
Explaining how much it hurts
And how I'm not strong enough
And how I'm so ******* sorry for giving up.

You talk about it so casually,
Like losing you wouldn't tear me apart,
Or drive me to that point myself.
I know what it's like.
I've been there,
And sometimes,
Sometimes I still feel that sadness,
The kind that fills your soul and consumes you.

There is a difference between us, though.
I fight the sadness,
I fight for my life.
You let it snake it's arms around you,
Choke you until there's nothing left,
And then have the nerve
To talk to me like I don't understand,
Like I haven't been there.

Well, I do understand.
I understand that you are the love of my life
And that with each passing day
I am losing another piece of you to the sadness.
I want to save you,
To put your broken pieces back together,
But I can't.
I'm just hurting myself in the process.

You're a time bomb.
I can't be around when you explode.

You were the last person
I ever expected to write about,
Yet for the past 24 hours,
You’ve been stuck in my head
Like a love song.
The only way to get a song out of your head
Is to listen to it
Or replace it with a new one,
And I desperately need to put an end
To this song.

I live in fear
  that you could live
    without me.

You're a solid nine.
But seven ate nine.
I guess that makes you a ten, then.

you looked at me and i forgot how to
breathe me in like you're suffocating and i am made of
air just doesn't seem necessary without
you were the best thing that ever happened to

me without you is completely
meaningless was my life before you walked
in came the love and with it came
pain is inevitable but i thought we were

too much pain, too much fighting, too much
stress does not a healthy relationship
make me remember why i fell in
love me like there's no

tomorrow i'm afraid i'll wake up and you won't be
there is never a right time to say
goodbyes are hard and i refuse to let you
leave now and i swear you will never see me

again.

i love you but i swear to god you will never see me
again i let you in my
doors never stay shut for
long periods without you make my skin

crawl away but you'll always come back to
me without you is completely
meaningless is this stop-and-go cycle of back and
fourth time's the charm, right?

wrong.

i need you but i know you're bad for
me without you is becoming a
possibilities are endless and i think i will be
okay is nice but passion is

better without you and better for
it will be okay, i
promise me forever and proceed to walk
away with with you, away with the

memories hurt me more than you ever
did you really love me or was it just a
games are fun but i need something
serious relationships are hard and neither of us are to

blame me and i'll blame
you will always be the one who got
away with you, away with
missing you hurts me more than you ever did.

so. much.

goodbyes are hard but i'm forcing you to
leave now and maybe it will hurt
less is more when it comes to you and
me without you is exactly what we

need.

Honestly,
Slashing my wrists
Would be more fun than this.

I think the thing I miss most about you is your laugh,
The way your eyes would shut
And your nose would scrunch up
And your head would fall back,
Loud cackles turning into silence as you gasped for air.
Your cheeks would turn tomato red,
And I know you hated it, but,
Baby, to me it was magic.
Your laughter was a tune that I never wanted to leave my head.

I know you're gone,
I know that,
But I still think about your laugh,
Hear it, even.
I want it to stop.
I want the laughter to go away.

Because, baby, I know you're not laughing anymore.

No, I'm not (okay. You make me feel inferior,
like I must not know what I'm talking about
because I'm younger, or because
I'm a woman. You talk down to me.
All the time. You say I'm your best friend,
your soul mate, your one and only,
but I can't even be honest with you anymore.
My problems are real, and so are my feelings.
I don't need your permission
to be angry, to be grouchy, to be a
"Debby Downer," as you call me way too often.
That phrase used to make me laugh.
Now, whenever I hear it, I want to hit the nearest object
and pretend it's your face. I am my own person.
You can't tell me how to feel. Don't you ever
tell me again not to be) upset anymore.

Sometimes your arms feel like home,
They hold me tight, your hands
Stroking the back of my head,
Reassuring me that, yes,
I am okay and, yes,
Everything will be okay
Because you are here,
So there's nothing to fear,
And I couldn't possibly feel safer.
But sometimes your arms feel like a cage.
There's just enough air for me to breathe,
But I am trapped in your fierce, unwanted grip.

I'm sorry that I don't feel like sharing a bed
After I told you I was depressed and you
Told me to stop freaking out and calling you.
I'm sorry that your words hit me like a tidal wave
And brought me to the bathroom
With a knife in my hand.
I'm sorry that one, two, three, four cuts later,
I was bleeding out on the floor,
Practically unconscious, but awake enough
To see the growing pool of red.
You're sorry I resorted to harming myself.
I'm sorry that I didn't finish the job.

I grew up thinking that love, only love,
Could save me from myself, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe love is the thing I need to be saved from.
Maybe love is the real monster here.
Every story has a villain.
I just never imagined that you'd be mine.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer.
I started a book about a witch and a werewolf
Who fell in love.
It was a terrible story,
But it gave me a purpose.
I scrapped that story,
Along with all the others,
And now
I'm stuck searching for that purpose.

I want you to  l e a v e
But need you to  s t a y.
You make me so *******  a n g r y  sometimes.
I just want for us to be  h a p p y  again.
I guess I don't know if we  c a n.

****.

I  c a n' t  do this anymore.
I  l o v e  you, baby,
But I  h a t e  myself when I'm with you.
This isn't  w o r k i n g.
I think we're  b r o k e n  beyond repair.

You said I was your "coming out" crush. I never admitted it, not to anyone, but I think I was kind of in love with you myself. I didn't want to date you or *******, but I didn't want anyone else to, either.

2. Thank you for refusing to leave me alone during that first week of February. I wanted to die, but you gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

3. I'm sorry I got drunk and lashed out at you last summer, and I'm sorry that I didn't say it sooner.

4. We were not compatible as roommates, but I would give anything to see you walk through my front door again.

5. You can't forget about me. I know this because I can't forget about you.

6. Whenever I'm upset, you're still the first person I want to call.

7. ******* it, I really wish I could call you right now. I want to hear your voice.

8. If I had to do it over again, I'd choose differently. I'd choose you. I love him, but loving him is complicated. Love isn't supposed to be so complicated.

9. I miss you so much that it hurts. It literally hurts. I didn't know it was possible to feel so much pain until now.

10. Sometimes when he says "I love you," I hesitate to say it back. But I never hesitated for you.

Her skin was cold as ice
And pale as winter snow.
She tried to make it right,
But it was time to go.

How do you say goodbye
To everything you know?
She really did try,
But it was time to go.

Don't waste your prayers on the dead.
The living need them more.
Close your eyes and bow your head.
She spreads her wings and soars.

Like an angel she flew,
Said farewell to the world below.
Left everyone that she knew
Because it was time to go.

I don't think I'm depressed.
I don't feel sad.
I don't feel anything.

I hate you for keeping me up tonight,
Worry running through my veins as I ask myself,
"Will tonight be the night he does it?"
You won't answer your phone.
******* it, please just answer your phone.
My stomach churns as I wait for your call,
Or worse: The Call.
I've only been to two funerals in my life,
Both for grandparents that I barely knew.
I'm trying to figure out what I'd say at yours.
Would I speak in front of your mourning relatives,
Spitting out cliches about Heaven
And how you're in a better place now?
Would I break down and cry,
Sobbing as they carried you from the church to a car
To a hole in the earth made just for you?
Or would I just sit there, numb,
Empty because everything that made me who I am
Was buried in that ******* hole with you?
You're a coward, I'd say.
An absolute ******* coward.
But maybe I'm a coward, too,
Because the thought
Of having to pick out a dress for your funeral
Makes me want to swallow a handful of pills
And be buried right beside you.
God ******* **** it, don't leave me.
*Please.

You're gone.
You're gone.
You're gone.
You're gone.
You're gone.

Please come back.

Lately, I haven't been able
to get you out of my head.
He doesn't like it
when I talk about you.
He says he doesn't mind,
but I can see it in his eyes,
just like I see you every time I close mine.
I still carry you with me,
in my heart, my soul,
everywhere I go, and I know
I shouldn't. I know that.
I need to let you go.
For my sake, for his sake,
for yours.
You're just a memory now,
fading a little more each day.
I need to let you go.

*I need to let you go.

I love the way you draw circles on my skin,
Moving from my collarbone
To my neck
To my jaw
To my lips.
I love it when your fingers
Trace the scars along my hips.
I love it when you fall asleep in my bed,
Even though you’re sober enough
To drive home.
I love how you stay with me
When I don’t want to be alone.
I love the way you hold the door,
And how even after seeing you for hours,
I’m still left wanting more.
I love all the little things you do,
But just to be clear:
*I don’t love you.