The white outside is screaming in my skull
and I'm begging for the whispers of dark to regain their hold,
The blue on the mountain speaks to the gold of the
once living grass poking through snow
The red of my nose is burning like ice and its laugh is too jolly
to the green of my eyes, who beg only to be closed.

You're undeniable, deplorable and ultimately a hoax
that speaks to me on that superficial level that's sunk below

I am too many different people for you to ever comprehend
each turn I take, each time I wake, a different voice is in my head.
I think I'm  here, beneath it all, but I can't really tell.
I am an unreliable narrator even to myself.

there's frost growing from my fingertips like prickling moss and i can feel it stinging on my lips, the heat of my body lacks aggression, as do I, and so the cold things grow, immortalizing me in their crystalline life.

Honey, you're a dark force
and I'm a dark horse,
maybe we can run together.

Can you see the decay
opening into a million
other worlds, creating
galaxies in its destruction,
the rust making way for the new,
its beautiful, better, than anything
we create.

I'll be doing just fine, tripping along,
until its jeweled tone catches my attention
my veins thrum and my wrists swell
and I can't help but remember how
fun it is to watch that thread unravel.

I'm tripping ******* the seam between the sidewalks
listless and breathless I'm falling back and forth,
holding out for a helping hand,
waiting for my knight.

Honey I hurt myself
years ago, you wouldn't remember,
but I've never told you
and I don't know how.
Darling, trust me,
I'm fine now, I just don't want you
to think your dad was
right, that
I'm
damaged.

My mind is filled with a dull fog
lightly dusting thoughts and memories
allowing access only by feel,
stumbling as though through a dark room
and so when I write through the fog
the underlying residents of my mind
voice their thoughts and concerns
and its funny because I don't even hear
what they're saying until its down
on the screen.

I think.. I think I dreamt about you.
Or maybe its a memory...
just a remnant of your face
your silhouette before me
its dark and cool but temperate
and shadows dance upon your face
while my head plays that familiar
song repeatedly.

You don't know the half of it
and I don't know the whole
so maybe in the middle we can meet
and compare notes.

God, its a world of decadence
where grace and prowess hold power

Its a world of recompense
where apology is gold
and your brooding is lost on most.

Its a world where the moment is everything
jumping from towers forever,
never remembering the landing,
living for the fall.

I'm a sucker for a deadly demise and heartbroken eyes.

She's a boss *** *****
with diamonds in her eyes
and mercury flowing over her skin.
When she walks the world
tumbles, crumbles, easily humbled.
She's got a devil's tongue
with a lick of fire in her veins
and she's all I've ever
dreamt of being.

I'm floating on a dandelion
over dead dinos and growing grass
the world is so lovely now
I hope I never come down
from hazy days and frosted leaves
winter is approaching and
I'm feeling warm and dizzy
and bright.

I think you're nice
and I'd like to crawl out of my skin to meet you
but I can't because its warm in here
and while I am terrified at least I am not cold
nor am I shunned when I
talk to no one.

a body of wicker overflowing with gravy and cranberries as my glass heart pumps wine through my swollen tired veins,
i'm happy drunk and stupid, thankful for this one day in which my usual excessive indulgence is accepted.

its a coughing death
one of subtlety and only
passive irritation.
its a chosen death,
but slow, for the faint of heart
afraid to take the swift and sure route.
i know they **** me
but its exactly what
i want.

I keep dreaming of a darkened room
cold as ice and filled with you
your essence, your smell, every inch
a remnant of a better time.

blood is soaking your skin
staining you red,
my devil.
light shines through your eyes
and your charred hair
singes my skin.
you're electric, you're fire
i'm air and ice
teach me.
teach me to burn.

I've been in bed for over 24 hours
looking at everyone I grew up with
and wondering if I'm sad.

with pride I watch as destruction falls
as if a small part of the darkness in me
may be related to the greater power,
I relish my pain and hope for more
while still hoping for normalcy.
A contradictory being is all I've ever been,
but I wouldn't have it any other way...

The words in my head form perfect thoughts
but as soon as they hit the air, all sense is gone.

leaves like tiny people dance beside the curb
and I just stare, wishing my enthusiasm matched theirs,
these cold castaways have more life than I.

I want to tell you I'm okay
and that all is peachy keen.
I want to say I'm doing fine
and that my grades are pristine
but I alone am not enough
and despite my desperate need
for control I think I need help
of the medical persuasion,
and I'd like to think I'm strong
on my own,
but honey have you tried *******?

Hold me close in your spindly arms
and beckon me into harms way
you know what I want and need.

I fear the dark and your caress
but in it I know nothingness,
my sweet dreams and darkened bliss
find a point on which to convalesce.

I need help but I don't want it
and I can't breach that barrier
because I love myself
and hate myself
and love hating me.

You're star studded and glowing bright
I'm sinking dark and holding tight
you have no cares and float in bliss
I can't sigh without a hiss.

I'm holding my soul inside, to keep it intact
and safe as mum taught me,
it holds its purity while my body
self destructs.

a righteous contradiction
I'll hold your interest long
enough to captivate your soul.

My home is in the dark
the light will not abide
my home is stark and white
the world is standing by

I need somewhere to roam
where my dark thoughts can be
without judgement.

No one seems to get my humour,
apparently my suicidal thoughts
aren't funny

My cynicism has seeped into my veins
and now my heart beats to its awful cadence
and I've found comfort in its crude caress

Give me hope and home
a place to call my own
a cliche that is only mine
a brief escape from endless time

I can't stand your world nor
can I hold my clumsy limbs
upright on its surface.

i see love and light and cringe
at its generic quality, all the same
all beautiful and endearing and encouraging
and i can't help but feel the cynic in me laughing
at the mawkish displays and efforts
and at my own generic skepticism

just one charming quality of my
self deprecating form of narcissism

i rose in structure, guided and conroled
carefully tendered and formatted to be
organized and on track
but as soon
as i left my home
i lost all that, though it barely ever took hold.
I just drank an entire *** of coffee and am now heading to bed
my floor is made of clothes and my shelves are made of books
and the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling are for the little girl
who wasn't allowed to tarnish her perfectly painted room
and i think being raised in such control has lead to an
excessive chaotic behaviour.

i dream of foggy bliss
a floating lagging sort of luxury
reminiscent of drug induced
bubbly bogus happiness

I'm only skin deep
and separate from myself
burrowing in this flesh
for a short time
and i feel bad for how
much i hate this body
that i'm in and i
often wonder if i cut through
the layers deep enough
would we separate.

i appreciate your service
and willingness to host
my sickening consciousness
but i'm really not deserving
nor do i really want this
so to whomever i stole
my body from just know
that i know that
i'm ungrateful.

everything is bathed in white
less pure than summer,
muddier, grey but piercing.
the drab and dragging cold
reaches through to touch bone
and turns everything to slush.
for once in a long while,
everyone is as muted as I.

Peace in existential dread
is the support that lifts my head
high above yours and
the peasants that
live beyond my room
and my solitude.

Hey so don't mind me
I'm just gonna walk over here
further away
just keep talking.
I'm listening.
You do your thing,
I'm just tired,
Just going for a little walk
away from here.
Don't worry,
I'm fine.

I am just going outside and
might be some time.

stumble down the hall
in the rain of mercury
where the astronauts roam
and the apothecary dances
free

help me to my room
through the skulls
that have piled in the corner
with the cat and her
troupes, wait,
forget the
former

Im a little hazy
little dumb and can't
quite find the **** of
the drum or the key
and the bird over there
is looking at me

nevermind
you can leave
I'll make my home among
these things, its crazy and cold
and ****** and bold
but I think it could be
home.

Oh honey, you'll be fine
divine and holding out hope
an angel with no god, no home.
Oh babe your ignorance
looks so good on you
stay steeped in wholesome lies
safe from dreadful truth.
Oh sweetheart, your dumb
******* head is so perfect,
so rottenly pure, its mawkish
scent brings me to my knees.

With lofty airs and
folding chairs
we formed our grungy rule,
we grew from weeds and
broken swings
into a pungent cool,
Our reign is *****, decadent
more indulgent than your dreams
for we lost our morals
and our hope among
the broken things.

There is a cold and constant rain that leaks through my bones
Holding me together, more life giving than my mediocre blood
And weakly beating heart.
My frame is creaking despite its young age, worn down and
Falling apart from the inside out.

May the ground hold my bones better than I ever did.

I'll hold you close
toes dug in the sand
with our black and gray hoodies
masking black and gray hands
and from our perch
we'll watch as the land
turns from dark morning
to something near bland
not to say splendor is lacking
but that mediocrity can be grand.

do you remember
the dandy yellow of her hair
the gold that shone with the sun
as though they were born of the same ancient catastrophe
do you remember
the deep pools of green
the gem like eyes that always peered
through her tangled hair with curiosity and eager delight
do you remember
that balance before the evil
that brief period where knowledge and
happiness could coexist without one stifling the other

I don't remember.
I'm told she was real, but I never knew her.
Can you miss someone made of perception and memory?

Daedalus built the maze in which I live. The beast is dead, no need to run, though the need to hide runs deep. Other creatures haunt the dark.

Lol dumb, I know.

I have this thing, which I’ve done for as long as I can remember, where I space out but I’m still looking ahead, but also within. And little me, the shy spirit hiding behind my skull stares out of the maze through a giant telescope that opens up to the world of normies and people who understand how to be social. And I’m here, far beneath my skin, unable to relate, only able to observe.

I grew up weird.
Both fast, and painfully slow.
I understood everything and nothing.
Socially, I started confident and grew awkwardly
first in the sun, then bending away from such bright attentions. Academically I started out running, always ahead,
always the best, the brightest. Straight As and
mismatched clothes, socially lost
yet somehow showing
'great potential'.

Now I've learned a lot.
All blacks and grays, I've finally
mastered at least a portion of my shortcomings
but its too late. Because I've grown up and its shifted again
analytically I see it, can emulate it, but it isn't
familiar or comfortable, it took me
years to catch up and I'm
still behind.

I've grown up weird.

I hate mornings
I want to sleep but I want to stay awake
I don't want to miss anything
and in the process I've come to learn
that in the short future my current pain
won't matter, in a manner of hours I'll
be on a different plane of existence and
won't even feel the lethargic movement
of painful mornings and unending
evenings.