in the most
simplistic way
i wanted him
and sometimes
i wanted all of him,
every season of his
mind and body
i wanted
cutesy notes on monday
slurred i love you friday nights
lazy sunday morning breakfast
then again
i never expected anything
from him
as much as i would have loved
to be under his skin
it was enough for my heart
to simply be
on his skin

"I promise to surprise you every single day, even if it's as small as picking you a flower from outside. I promise, I swear to god"

[please] dont grab her hand
and flash that silly smile
when shes sad
[stop] being someone elses thoughts
late at night
when they drift off into there dreams
while i am
plagued by the thought of you
you’re [forgetting] the way you
wrapped your arms around me
and held my head against your heart
when i was drowning in my own sorrow,
breaking.
the thought
of losing my only love
was tearing me apart
you’re killing [me]
when you look at me
with a lost light in your eyes
that i used to give you
im so sorry
i couldn’t love you
the way you should have been loved
im so sorry,
my only love

you feel so far away
in a way that
i could not drive 30 minutes to your house
but do a marathon
in the opposite direction
plain, train, bike
a lap around the world
just to arrive at your front door

i wish
that i was
a person
who could leave
an impression
on people

invigorating cold air
fumbling for keys
wet sneakers
treaded grass
dew on the windshield
orange sky fading into hopeful blue
groggy morning questions
radio talk host
sounds hopeful about the weather
wet sneakers
cold dry pavement
gas station coffee in hand
warms my hands
as the sun warms the concrete
thoughts of his hands
feeling of numbness
mistake it for happiness
gets me through the day

you are talking
you are crying
and you are wishing
i was there

i am sitting
i am watching
and of the matter
i am aware

but im stuck
inside this body
that cannot convince itself
to care

theres a melancholy in the room
a blackness to his stare
letting me know
that he is not completely there

my biggest reach for myself
is to love the person i see in the mirror
and i cannot love every single person
in the pursuit of loving my own self

something about that town
all the kids dropped like flies
year after year
here
you don't come across beautiful people
with
whole hearts
genuine smile
because
scars on the road where john flipped his bike
mark the one mile
from the house where tragedy struck
his kids on the head, a little too hard one night
and we don't swim in august anymore,
memorial sign hanging
almost like all of our heads that sunday a few days after
coming ‘round the corner just like john,
a little too fast
heartbreak is due
shaking hands, we clamored amongst the kids we grew up with
weeks after
only to be tipping the bottle back
a little too far
pushing the gas petal down
a little too hard
after five years,
falling falling falling
the kids stopped caring if God was knocking at the door
because opening that mortal door between the great beyond and earth is a
handshake
and
a kiss on the cheek
from your best friend
whispering welcome home

Please forget me, you were right dear
I am cold and self-involved
And though I'll miss you, recent lover
I am weak and therefore fold

Get distracted by my music,
Think of nothing else but art
I'll write my loneliness in poems,
If I can just think how to start

Dot my I's with eyebrow pencils,
Close my eyelids, hide my eyes,
I'll be idle in my ideals,
Think of nothing else but I

please stop suffering
you are too young to be so sad

you lock the door
let the music scream
as loud as your thoughts

starring in the mirror crying
ugly, ugly, ugly

oh god knows
that i wish i could protect you
every second of everyday,
but the matter of fact is
i can scare away those kids,
i can wave away our parents,
i can’t protect you from yourself

i can only steal so many razors
tell you that you’re beautiful so many times
i’m beating myself
trying to save you

nobody loves me
you utter
i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry

please don’t leave me here
please let me help you

i don’t have the words
to give you what you need
to stay
you just have to believe
its going to be okay

and nobody gets those people who don't give a **** about anyone or anything. those people who burn others down without a second thought. chinaski, the man in all of bukowski's poems. it is those people who cared the most because all we want to be loved, so badly that sometimes we sustain from love itself. we need to be loved so badly. so badly that the fear of not being loved is greater than the need to be loved. to care is a disease that corrodes your bones if you use it too much. sometimes i burn other people just so i dont have to feel the sting first, i confess, but thats who youre turning me into, but who gives a ****, one day ill change my name and write a book.
whatever. i used to be belligerent, but then all of my friends died. now im a fire build in the pervade of a never ending rainstorm. its my depression, but everyone calls me killer because i pass them cigarettes even though their boyfriends hate the smell.
i don't need you and you don't need me. you dont care about books, or poetry, or silence, or experience, or art. ive known that since the moment i met you, but i thought you wanted to know. ukulele girl and the basketball star. BUT thats just why youll never know me, youll never know my brain, youll never be able to think my thoughts.
IT IS SO ******* EASY TO LOVE ME
EVERYONE IS TOO LAZY TO LOVE ME
STEAL LIKE AN ARTIST, NICK, if you want to know someone you have to learn at least three of their muses for they make up most of the person you want to get to knowing. then if you really want to know them, better than they know themselves, learn three of their three muse's muses. thats why i gave you love is a dog from hell and grapes of wrath. bukowski loved hemingway.
thats why i go to all your stupid basketball games alone just to sit in the desolate student section because i want to take the time to understand the love of someone i love. people arent the same as me. they look at the world, and its too big to fit the whole picture in front of their faces, so they cant fathom it. but to me it seems easy. but thats just why love ever lasts.
no one wants to know their lovers three muses three muses. as if it is so hard to read a god ****** book. everyone is so greedy they want to gobble up the soul of the first thing they think is beautiful. they dont want to keep them like a cactus in their bedroom, they just snip them at the stem and put them on a shelf just to watch them as they rot.
because everyone thinks that to love is to own.
but when i read poetry i feel intoxicated. i will sit there and read a poem until its meaning is exhausted because, to me, it is so rich to experience a feeling so vividly. my heart quiets to a slow beat in my chest, just to hear the words quiet in my head. thats how love should always feel. it should be reading everyone of your lovers metaphorical books  just so you can know them better. because knowing them makes you feel whole.
but if you want to leave then why dont you just go

stare up at the sky
like theres some place
youd rather be

"why isn't it enough to be here
with just me"

look down because its plain to see
that i love a little too much
but today i am not me

lost in the bar crowd
look for the bathroom
sound of the bar band
look around the room

ex girl is sitting there
i think its understood

whiskey muffled whispers on nights you don’t sleep
all you are is starring straight through me
with electric i want to ******* eyes
gin and tonic lips pressed against mine

soulless hands running over
desolate skin
seeming such sincerity
baby, just let me in

all i want to know is who stole the light from your eyes
fake lovers lust leaks into red morning skies
i’m going to steal all your darkness, i want to make you alright
you’ll never be mine, but my heart is yours for the night

if our forever only lasts us until 6 a.m’s light, i’ll take it
but just know, i’d let you take my heart any day
and break it

Well I’m so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground,
Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.
I’ve been laying in my bed wishing I had never woken,
Begging god to rid my head of every word you’ve ever spoken.
Broke my knuckles on the wall because I thought about the call
Where you said you’d always love me, do you not tell the truth at all?
Well if I ever cross your mind, make sure you write down the times
So I will know the moments I was eating you alive.

Now I lay here waiting with the hope that I might find some sleep
I need some sleep tonight,
Cause I’ve been waiting on your call but I know it will never come
but I’m still waiting by the phone.

And don’t you dare, don’t you dare,
Say you ever loved me or even tell me that you cared
Cause you knew what you were doing and you know just what you’ve done
How dare you say you miss me with your spit still on his tongue.
I am broken. I am beaten. I’m mistreated and I’m torn.
I am cold with no direction but I’m lost without your warmth.
I’m trying hard to find some hope that I might get the chance to breathe.
Get off my mind, give back my heart and get the **** away from me!

I know I couldn’t give you much, but I know I gave my best,
You were always my princess, and now he’s sliding up your dress
And I know I gave the world everything I’ve ever had,
Johnny Cash said love would burn, I never thought it'd hurt this bad.

Well I’m so tired of the rain falling softly on the ground,
Just enough to get my feet wet but not enough to let me drown.
I’ve been laying in my bed wishing I had never woken,
Begging god to rid my head of every word you’ve ever spoken.
Broke my knuckles on the wall because I thought about the call
Where you said you’d always love me, do you not tell the truth at all?
Well if I ever cross your mind make sure you write down the times,
So I will know the moments I was eating you alive.

You are the itch that's on my back.
You are the gum under my shoe.
You are the horrors of my past.
You are the chill that haunts the room.
You are the creaking on my steps.
You are cancer. You are plague.
You are regret. You are disease.
I wish that you would go away.

March 10, 2013
you smiled at me today
i remembered all the stories you wrote me
still hung in the closet where we painted the stars
and then i thought about how heavy my heart grew
when none of your stories were about me
but mine where of you
i hope they're in your sock drawer with my old tie die shirt
and tonight i'm dying all over for you

March 17, 2013
you find yourself in a room
pretending not to immensely alone
surrounded by people
who are pretending to not feel immensely alone
are you alone?

March 29, 2013
you aren't the people you surround yourself with
you are not the things you feel when you are alone
(repeat)

April 24, 2013
we are born empty
life spent fill ourselves with
knowledge and the more palpable
michelangelo
artist mind, with a poets heart
maybe the bubble of everything that he was
was too full with thoughts and wonder to fit any things or humans
he died alone, in a slum, with his golden nothings
and maybe thats all that loneliness is,
the overflowing thoughts in our heads

April 26, 2013
i've realized that i'm okay
the trees are blooming beautiful baby greens
the sun is shining so sweetly
the breeze whispering my name

May 1, 2013
everyday is drifting by
and i'm wrapped up
in this sickeningly sweet
numb half way happiness

May 17, 2013
you watched slurred words
haunched over the dance floor
everyone laughed, but you just starred with pursed lips
you were ashamed, and i hope you're sorry
for snapping me in two

May 19, 2013
i awoke next to a strange boy the other day,
light pounding on eyelids with the 6:30 sunrise
how is it possible to feel so alone with someones arms
wrapped so tightly around you.
i fell asleep next to him holding his face
mind and stomach churning
and i've kissed a lot of pretty strangers,
but none like the one i loved and knew so well

she is disarray,
heart of quandary,
clutter of thoughts,
bestrewn responsibility.

she lays
cool grass tickling her cheeks.
her entire world,
tangled as the spirals in her hair,
drifting overhead.

that day
she let go of the shambles
of everything that was.

her worries,
once so heavy,
became the clouds.
and she had nothing but blue skies

green tea with honey
eggs accompanied by whole grain toast
Bukowski placed to the upper left of me
Mozart chirps a melody
that rings desperacy and hopefulness
it's been two days since I've been able
to stomach more than a glass of water
and the barely eaten food I've prepared
knaws and twists at my stomach
the front door is swung open
and has been since 6:15 a.m.
so that the freshly birthed fall breeze
plays pins and needles
over my bare skin
I pretend not to notice
try to continue reading
hope not to believe that the only thing
I can feel anymore
is the cold

it would unwind the knots in my stomach
words weren't meant to wind on this way
but you know i would write you a novel
when i could tell you the whole story
with three words

months ago at this exact time
i found myself
pouring another cup of coffee
to continue a daydream of you
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
clinging to my phone
awaiting just a few words from you
with heavy eyes
and hopeful heart
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
discovering the dustiest corners
of your souls
one night at a time
months ago at this exact time
i found myself
daring to ask you how long
forever would be
with lit eyes
and hungry heart
months ago at this time
i never would have imagined
that months later at this exact time
you would be falling asleep
and i would be falling apart
because
our forever
wasnt what I wished for
months ago at this exact time

The rainy season was the worst.
It rained,
and rained,
and rained.
It never let up.
We worked through it,
ran through it,
marched through it,
and even swam through it.
Then once it stopped,
the sun came up and dried everything up.
Then it was back to normal,
the old timers said.
Although four months of rain was all I’d really seen.

When the rainy season went
and the hot wet tropical weather came back
it was beautiful.
I’d never seen so many shades of green in all my life.
It was a beautiful sight.
Its funny how you can remember
all those things from so long ago
and far away,
but other things are like burns in your mind,
and the rest are those memories
you can’t seem to shake out of your head,
even though you wish you could,
they’re like yesterday to me.

All my life I’d never had such dear friends
than those that I’d met on my tour.
I see them all everyday like they came back from yesterday.
Yesterday was a sad day.
I’d never seen so much blood in all my life.
It was a very hard day,
that yesterday was.

We came out of that oh so green jungle
God the shades I’d seen  
Shades of red that day.
We’d come up onto this pretty little road,
and everyone no matter how cruel or harsh
saw the beauty that day.
Just like a bolt of lightning
screaming across the midnight black sky,
it was gone.

I see it everyday
but it’s quite distanced in my mind.
It happened so quick,
such a cruel trick to play
on that most beautiful day.

Like thunder heard
from atop a tall mountain
the shells went off scattering us,
far apart.
Like the hard driven rain the bullets hailed.
Dank red blood.


I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime
I’ve drank from that crystal lake in the mountain
I’ve ran in a decanting sunrise
Sailed my boat through a hurricane
Yeah, I’ve seen a lot
Done a lot.
I saw men die
I’ve seen life begin
Its a hand life I’ve lived
A friend died by a lake in the mountain
He died in my arms
The blood covered him like a mask
Hiding the friend I once loved
Life’s cruel
There’s war
There’s death
God gives us life and takes it away only to make us kings after the tribulation

I remember a guard friend
as I stare a glance through the air.
Memories came back from long ago...
So far away...
They are like yesterday....
Like a scared child I look away.
Pray, pray, pray for God to take me away.

Its a whole other country you know.
I’ve seen it, felt it, heard it.
I see it everyday.
So green and beautiful.
Green to hide the blood.
I feel the blood running down my face from the scars.
Scars of the save.

-
I’m going to the desert soon.
It will be so nice.
So hot, so dry,
I will almost fry,
and when death winks at me,
I will die,
in the desert my spirt will fly,
my body will sigh,
a sigh of relief,
open the pearly white gates,
Im coming home.
Lord save me.

Driving too fast on my way to get you because the sky is opening up into the Heavens, thinking that a sunset can make you fall back in love. I pick you up, but you've already haloed. My heart is telling me to grab your hand, my hand is telling me to take another drag of the cigarette we're sharing. Hiding beneath the cuffs of my jacket, sitting on the hood of my hatchback. Never knowing whether to fall into you, or fall apart. I look at you against the mauve sky and I can't remember the last time you weren't high.

you are questions to me

do you like me?
are you going too?
do you like this song?
are you okay?
do you want to go out on saturday?
what are we?
do you want to kiss me?
are you happy?
what were you thinking when you met me?
why are you leaving me?
who’s that?
do you even care?
are you coming back?
do you miss me?
call me back?
please?

but mostly
you are the questions
that i am too afraid to ask
i know my heart
won’t understand the answer
and it will split into pieces
searching for an answer

The air was thick with a reminiscent July sort of heat that crashed around us like ocean waves as we barreled through it. All that the world was, was laid there before my eyes, a pervade of red and green smeared through the corners of my eyes as I flew through it's tunnels of fresh pavement. I wasn't good at skating, neither was T, but she pretended to be. Each turn was a whole hearted attempt not to be taken victim by the tar I was trying to own. My head was half made up of the passed summer and half resisting my own momentum.

A Wonder Years song was repeating in my head and so I hummed along. I don't think T cared about anything, summer or falling, playing chance on the yellow line, her caramel hair violently dancing in the sunshine. She was a made up of collection of high school parties, anger never spoken, and a suspended drivers license tied together in a pair of ripped shorts and a purple tank top. Summer was compiled of nights spent in her truck looking for a place to be, weekends after school started felt like attempts just to relive past nights.

Slants of light cutting through the spaces between the leaves burned into the back of my tired irises, I hadn't slept in probably days, but I felt good in my caffeine induced euphoria. Minutes felt like hours in those moments that demanded nothing but sheer focus. Days that felt like they could never end, vivid in the corners of my mind.

the sky was a deep gray
against leaves on there way to brown
brilliant red, orange, yellow
falling to the still green green ground

from behind white walls
through an autumn's sea
my mind over taken by
two blue eyes staring into me

and just like the leaves
I am falling falling fast
so, please, be my darling and
my green green grass

poetry
it is the way the pen taps at an anxious hand
waiting for the words to catch up to emotions
your head unscrewed at the top
your thoughts dribbling down your cheeks
in droplets onto paper

ink flows with ease
when flowers blossom in your mind
reaching their way through your chest
or
when your heart is clenched so tightly
to keep from shattering

i sit here empty
sunken eyes
cracked fingers trace paper
and i am uncomfortably numb

evil has looked back at me
razors down my back
i’ve felt the sun on my mind
a heart of healed cracks

i cursed the past
tried something new
and i managed somehow to live
without holding you

tonight simply i’m nothing
blank as the page before me
i hope that soon
the universe hands me
a bouquet of life
a handful of seeds
that i can plant as new thoughts

i need something

you’re looking at me through street lights and dark
you’re looking at me you’re whole world falling apart
waking the neighbors, you cry alongside the rising lark
darling don’t worry i’ll hold your world together with my heart

the demons aren’t real yet you make them your home
screaming behind walls of traumatic stress you call your own
tearing at silk stitches, flashing smiles of chrome
eyes of green lament, it was the world you let drag you down

the glistening stars fall dim in a hushed morning sky
beautiful eyes, you look at me with such deplorable lies
that night, the car, you in my arms, the words: we could die
heart beat rampant, eyes glazed with clouds you whisper goodbyes

you’re seated beside me, apologies and feelings left bestrewn
lethargic beauty, you act as if you are the daybreak’s evanescent moon
mind collapsing into craters, you threaten forever so soon

right now i couldn’t care less about how you’re feeling
i don’t ******* care about what you think
you don’t care now?

you didn’t care
the night you forgot me
when you looked at her pretty blue eyes

you didn’t care
two summers ago
in the back of your mom’s car
even though i said no

tell me a day you did love me*

what a vicious cycle
we’re being dragged in
you broke my heart
i broke a million hearts
now
i’ve finally broke your’s

the victim cries
because i’ve broken everything
how mercilessly i exist

you left me empty
the air missing in my lungs
words hanging from my lips
sunken eyes

you blame me
i blame you
for creating the monster
who flashes that smile
tilts her pretty little head
who pushes boys into walls
with empty intent
and repentant eyes

i’m destroying myself
they think i’m enjoying myself
someone hold me down

it was a damp burning day in mid june
the dusk threatening to scorch the mountains
the air so thick we might as well have drown

from the nauseating condition of the summer
we found ourselves seeking refuge,
maybe in more than one way
laying in the pews of a dusty church
the plague of memories hanging heavy in the air

you were standing in a shadow
cast by God’s gates
she was whispering your name
from inside
as you sat where she once had
i was millions of miles away
pulling on God’s arm
begging for you to stay

still we sat there
tossing words about life and death
back and forth between the two of us
as we sat in two places
both those things had so greatly touched
i felt God’s eyes resting on us
the universe so immense
so minuscule, we were

now you’re with them
and i’m too scared
to sit in the front row at church

walking into hospitals
its wrapping weights around my ankles and jumping into a pool
of all the farewells whispered to you
i hold my breath
because your name and so long
are a shot of vinegar i refuse to take

you’re still here
i saw you in a dream

i see people
they’re wearing those sneakers
i’m wearing those sneakers too
but i first saw them laced
upon my music saviors feet
in 1980 something
and not on the pretty girl's

her poetry is sad
i throw my head in the voice’s direction
i sigh
when the girl who mourns for consolation
claims ownership
they think she’s specials
beautiful broken
deep as the sea
i wonder if i seem just like her
i wish there was something special

i touched your back
as you cried
because i wished for your repair
you didn't feel it between all the other's
as they touched your back
filled with curiousness
searching for a cause of your woe

you declaimed your hate of the world
to me
i sat beside you
grasping your words
tossing them between the fingers of my thoughts
they sat beside you
anticipating their next turn to speak
and what that would lump consists of
feeling only a fraction of apprehension for your words
you thank them for listening
and not me

i wish the world turned on genuine intent
now it feels wrong and mixed up
to exist as i do
despite assumable unawareness
i understand them
i have no right to say this anyways

i’m scared because
i’m probably just like them
and maybe they’re just like me

everyone is different
are we though?
maybe we all have the same soul
just different comprehensions and articulation

i’m scared because
i’ll never know
i cant explain half the things i feel
nobody can explain half the things they feel

maybe i’m wrong about it all
we're all so small
it doesn't matter that we wear the same shoes

Maybe we need to forget each other - the sound of each other's voices, the way our skin feels pressed together, the faces we make when we throw our heads back in laughter. Maybe I'll meet you in the back seat of a car again one day and we can start all over as the people were before.

you told me you loved
the sound of rain
beating on your rooftop

in the relenting heat of august
wearily we awaited the storm clouds to [come] in
the crack of lightning in the sky
the warm wind whipping through the green

at last a grey day
out of the blue
slowly and then all at once
all other noises were drown away
silence filled with the furious pitter patter
millions of watery needles
striking the tin roof

you were a common thought of mine
[back] in that time
fitting, i found it
to dial your number
together we basked in the tirade
of the storm

you laid in your bed
phone pressed to you face
miles away
i laid in mine
listening to your stories
with the orchestra of nature
pervading in the background

not too soon after
the room filled [with] sleepy smiles
and quiet giggles
i laid next to you
watching your eyes
as they wandered from the ceiling to mine
whispering stories to me
[the] same aqueous anthem surrounding us
that time your hands entangled with mine

tonight
the [rain] is knocking at my window
wondering where you’ve gone
our song plays dismally around the room

i'll bet you're laying in your bed
on your side listening too
i hope you wonder if i'm listening
i hope you remember
how much i loved the rain
beating on my roof

my hands reach for the cool side of the bed
where you once would have met me
i can feel your absents on my finger tips

an occurrence filled with so much content
is now filing a gaping hole in my chest
just like the reminiscent rain
your voice leaves me cold
even on the loveliest days

You are talking, you are crying
And wishing I was there
I am sitting, I am watching
And of the truth I am aware
But I am stuck inside this body
That cannot convince itself to care

There's a melancholy to the room
A blankness to his stare
Letting me know that he is not completely there

no matter how much
i curse the world and myself

i love it all
being gifted another day
living in a universe
of endless possibilities

waking to the stars
fading in the sky

the summer nights
where the kiss of sleep
meets you in the morning light

the way
you can see the moon
waiting in the evening

the fear in taking chances
the quiet thank you’s
when its was worth it

the stiffness that meets you
after a night of
swinging arms and
endless dancing

the hugs hello
after goodbye seemed like a forever

the dive of pins and needles
in the first hot week of june

and the aspect that
things have a way
of working themselves out

i’m in love with the promise
that something fantastic
is happening somewhere

turn my lungs into ashes
to steal the attention from the burns on my heart
every night my heart stumbles and crashes
its been too long for me to still be falling apart

far too long has it taken me to realize your gone
far too gone, i can’t recall your voice its been that ******* long
every day you play in the back of my mind like a sad sad song
things took a turn for the worst, somewhere in the mess i went so so wrong

candle left burning in the back of my mind
i ****** up, i was supposed to leave you behind
fire spreading, mind an agonizing blaze
its the thoughts you can’t shake, running from you for days

blue human clouds,
sweetheart,
all you do is rain
so many nights were worth leaving me
and you took them in your vein

you forget me again
and with the things you never say
i guess im to blame
for letting you drive me insane

dying just to smile
coming to the end of your lies
and you,
the end your insides
because pills, people, hearts
all subside

he was static electricity, room illuminated when he was near
welcoming coffee eyes, his laughter was all i could hear
warm fingers trace my veins, he made me want to be better
home was in his arms, please, lets just lay here forever

he had a mind like the oceans, mine still so small
he was the world, i was nothing at all
he outgrew me like a favorite pair of shoes
he had ships left to sale, but to me he was all i knew

you can feel the silence
the weight of the quietness in the room
the incurable ringing in your ears

you can feel the cold
seeping into all corners
of the room
of you
there is never a contenting lack of warmth
that can match the lukewarm feeling
of the blood wrongly pulsing through your veins
emitted from a self loathing heart
as the air settles it offers
the sensation of an uncountable amount needles
being evening sunken into your skin

the february night offers you no consolation
so you remain still
begging to hear
the whisper of the trees
as if they can find  some words
to leave you with an impression
that will make you to love yourself

there is a haunting truth
no one will
pick you up from the freezing floor
no one is creeping silently up the stairs
to tuck you into your bed
no one knows
that you suffer

you wonder
is their anyone in the world,
who maybe feels the same
mixed up emptiness
that you do?
who lusts to lay against you
to mend the heartbreak swelling in your chest
and
to soak the misery from your bones

you hope silently
in the bitterness of the night
that somebody does

there was always something about my life,
in a way that it wasn't my own.
loss is just another thing waiting outside the door

you should never look to a parent
and see nothing in their eyes
its terrifying that we're all just tearing out each other's insides

i'm waiting for life to come
but this "life" is in my way
it's not my own
it waiting for what someone else will say

and for me theres just no future
just your own in your narrow eyes
those empty threats aren't words anymore
because death isn't a lie

i've been beating my head against the door
because you were waiting to leave
i felt the pain more
because it was wrong and all that i could see

heartbreak seeping down the walls
sweat and tears left on the sheets
and i'm here left waiting
this life isn't up to me

in someway i can't wait to go
but it tears me apart to leave
destructive love turned to tears
i'm blind and i can't breath

there are universes inside my head
stars in my eyes
fractions of the chaos
thats inside my mind

sighing fumes
they believe that i’m better
i’m just great
drowning under the weather

the room is spinning
darkness creeping back in
my eyes search the room
i’m without a friend

please take me home
i begin to mutter
your rough hands
push me down
and pull me back under

laying awake
completely alone by your side
you’ve taken the light from me
there are not stars in my eyes

i’m standing in a room
filled with my friends
they don’t know
that their minds are all dead

the world is spinning
just like the room
somewhere between it all
i became just like you

i’m not me right now,
just give me some time
i’ll take this all back
erase that bad night

my mind is screaming
just let me go
when i’m with you
i’d rather be alone

blast the beatles
sit in the shower
wash every corner of your body
wash the bad thoughts down the drain

go to a party and stay sober
watch all the people
listen to the words
they don't want to remember in the morning

light a cigarette
draw in the first cloud of smoke
let your lungs burn and cry
thank yourself because you're not addicted to nicotine

let it all ******* go
sit down with your favorite friend
share the origins of everything you feel
talk about the routes of your being
how your here now and where you want to be
its okay to let them see

never hesitate to be selfish with yourself
if there is one person you give your everything to
it should be yourself
everyone is busy building themselves
they are wrong to make you a slave to their feelings

pierce your nose
wear what you like
do not fear opinions of others
do not bow your head when they disagree
you live for yourself, not for them

be compassionate
give without reason
smile and love everyone
because everyone needs it

only speak of the things you love
and keep quiet of the things you do not
hate is a poison

that’ll **** you
you screamed at me

you’re killing me
i whispered
but you couldn’t hear me
as you lifted me from the floor

mediocre adolescence
told me
that to live
to exist in a meaningful way
is to burn your lungs
to break bottles
over your soul
to quiet a throbbing mind

i was refusing to look into your eyes
yet i was starring straight into them
were you scared of me?

you were the ocean
wondrous
a delightfully tempting invite to jump in

i was a storm
the kind of devastation you relish to watch
but dont dare to touch

we met
breathtaking, it may have been
but you were beautiful on your own
and i was nothing without you

you shook me
screaming my name

i couldn’t hear you
yet your words
resonated
even now still
ringing in my ears

dont let me go
dont let me go*

i swear
your eyes were the only thing
keeping me from being torn from the earth