love at first sight
as not something
that she could believe in,
being able to fall for someone
just by looking at them
seemed too unlikely,
a ridiculous thought
that people over exaggerated in movies
and some people
were too naive
to buy it

everything changed
when she saw him
for the first time,
it wasn't love,
but there was definitely a spark

you sent me
more mixed signals
than i could count on my fingers
but i always went back for more
because the pain was worth it

we both know that
you're no good for me,
but we still find ourselves
knee deep in thoughts
about what we could have been

i always feel this constant need to be relevant,
to have people noticing me
or talking about me,
i want to be on everyone's mind
and, when i'm not, i feel like
i'm going to fall off
the face of the earth
with no one to pick me up
when i'm broken and bruised,
no one to care
because i'm not relevant enough
to be known,

it's this sinking feeling in my stomach
that makes me feel like i'm not good enough,
that people don't actually like me,
so i fall into these moods
where i feel as if i annoy everyone
and i know i shouldn't be clingy,
and i hate myself for it every second,

but i can't help that i feel so alone in this world
that i need the attention of others,
to feel alive again,
to see color in my own black and white world

i think it's normal
to find yourself ending up
getting lost all too often,
sometimes,
you just can't help it,
life is crazy
and there's no way to
ever have full control over it,

you just have to learn
how to keep moving forward
even when you are completely
surrounded by darkness,
find the one thing that
you can rely on,
the one thing that will be
the light in the darkness
to lead you back to safety

i sold my soul for you
to buy you a little more
time to breathe
and you didn't even
use your last breath on me

i guess it was all just a waste
because you never saw me that way,
i should have known
all along that i just
wasn't good enough for you

let me make a list of things I hate
number one, feelings
number two, feelings
number three, feelings
number four...
have you noticed a pattern yet?

have you noticed that I hate these emotions
that flood through my body
when I see your face?

waves of emotions
hit me like a ton of bricks
when I even so much as think of you.
believe me,
I wish it would go away,
you won't get out of my head.
you drill yourself into the small crevices in my brain,
attaching yourself with tiny hooks
and no matter how hard I try to pull you out,
you're stuck to me.

I didn't ask for this.
why would I put myself
through this kind of pain?
why would I allow myself
to think of you in such a way?

but,
feelings are feelings
and they hit you when you least expect them,
when you don't want them.

let me remake that list of things I hate:
number one, you
number two, you
number three, me
number four, I think we both get the point now.

love will come to you
at random times in your life.
when you least expect it,
but when you realize
that you are in love,
you will understand that it happened for a reason.
you will find yourself undeniably happy
and when heartbreak comes,
you will hate everything,
but you must remember
that your heart will learn from this
and is making room
for the next person
to show up in your life
and live inside the cavity of your chest.

there were butterflies
that once flew around
behind my rib cage
every time i would see you
or when you were mentioned,
but it wasn't long before
the butterflies didn't see
the light of day
and, one by one,
they died.

now,
behind the dusty rib cage
in my body
there's several dead butterflies
that once held so much
meaning in each one,
too much time has passed
and when you finally came around again,
they were all dead.

i had to do damage control
when you left the first time,
i cracked open my
own rib cage and
picked up each butterfly
to give them a proper burial,
one that you never gave me
when you thought you had enough
and decided to just leave.

i asked you to come home,
the place that i
believed that you
would always belong to,

i didn't know
that you found home
in someone else,

i didn't know
that you found a better place,
one where you no longer
needed me in your life,

i promised to
leave the outside light
on at all times,
even when you swore
that you wouldn't
be coming back,
but i was trying to
remain optimistic,

so the light will stay on
and, maybe, one day,
you'll find your way back to me

how selfish was I
to do things to make myself happy,
to want to travel,
to want to see just a little bit of color
in my own black and white world.

I was selfish to take myself
out of your world for a few days,
to make you have to fend for yourself,
to make you realize that I'm growing stronger.

I'm sorry I was selfish
about worrying about my own mental health,
I'm sorry that I dread coming back to our house,
that I feel myself constantly
on the edge of a breakdown
every time I return.

I'm sorry I was selfish
when I put my feelings before yours.
how dare I put my own happiness
ahead of yours...

let me set something straight,
you are not alone
in this crazy world,
i know society strives to tear you down,
claiming that you aren't good enough
or can't handle anything

you are strong

ignore the world that seems more like
a pack of wolves
than a bunch of people,
they will chase you down,
biting and growling to make you feel
weak and scared,

don't run away
instead face them,
show them that you aren't scared,
prove that the warrior within you
has not died from their hateful words

my heart is an empty canvas
waiting for someone to come
and paint colors all over it,
to etch out designs
that will bring it to life,
it waits in the cavity of my chest
for someone to come
and gently hold it in their hands
gentle enough,
like holding a newborn
promises whispered to it,
like secrets shared in the night,

my heart is an empty canvas
just waiting for the right artist

i know you feel weak and scared,
like the whole world is collapsing around you,
you've seen better days,
but lately,
all you see is the tear stain on your pillow,
the day old mascara running down your cheeks,
the same baggy sweater you've been sporting for a couple of days,

if i could take the pain away,
i promise you i would

if i could help you in any way,
i promise you i would

but, for now,
you need to take control of your own life,
wipe away the tears,
change your sheets,
take a shower and put on new clothes,
turn up the music,
and remember that only you have control of your  life,
no one else is allowed to tear you down,
to take away your happiness,

the light within you may have dulled out,
but you have the fight in you
to light it up again,

if anyone should believe in you,
it's yourself
but, for the time being,
you should know that i never stopped believing in you,
i'll stand by you
through the dark and light,
i'll help you start up that light in you again,
you may feel like you lost everyone in this world,
but,
i never went anywhere,
i never left your side
and i don't plan on it now

you'll always have me

nothing has changed,
i still think about you
late at night
when the clouds are grey,

the world has grown silent,
most people falling asleep
to be ready for tomorrow,
yet i lie awake,
wondering if you're thinking about me
while i think about you,

did we run out of time?
did the universe decide
that our time was up,
and put an end to us?

i stay awake
late at night,
always thinking about what
could have been,
i wonder if you wish
we had a little bit more time,
would you be willing
to go against the universe
to make us come back together,
like two pieces of a puzzle
that someone forgot to finish

I love you
and I'm sorry for everything I said.
there were voices all around me,
telling me that you shouldn't be
with someone like me
and, for some reason,
I believed them.

I love you
and I know this is just another voicemail
sent to your phone
that there's the chance
you'll see my number
and decide to just delete it away.

I love you
and I'm sorry
for all of the stress I caused you.
maybe those people were right
when they said I didn't deserve you.
a soul so kind and precious
to this world,
I would only dull your shine.
I would begin to poison you
with every word that came out of my mouth
even when it was the honest truth
about how you make me feel.

I love you
and I'm sorry
for being the reason
that you don't trust others anymore.
I'm sorry
for all the times
I reached out to touch you
and the poison
would spread through
my fingertips
making its way to your heart of gold.

I love you
and I know I haven't stopped calling you,
but maybe if you answered the phone,
we could talk this through.
if you don't want to talk to me,
I understand.

I love you
and days have passed
and I've realized that I poisoned you.
I'm sorry I didn't warn you
ahead of time
that my heart has been blackened
for far too long.
too black to be changed
and I only know how to hurt others
to keep myself from getting hurt.

I love you
and I'm sorry.
I don't know how many times
I have to say it,
but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm so so sorry,
I'm sorry.

I love you
and I'm sorry for breaking your heart.
it was never my intention,
but my body's defense doesn't
know any other way.
I've been broken one too many times
that my brain acts for my heart instead.
my brain acts out
and destroys whatever is closest to me
and that just happened to be you.
what I didn't realize
was that I was breaking my own heart
when I broke yours.

I'm sorry
and I love you.

if i ever write about you,
i'm sorry.

believe me,
i probably didn't do it on purpose,
but, sometimes,
things get really hard
and there's so much
compiled in my head
of all the things i didn't say,
i just need some sort of release
and that's where writing comes in.

i didn't say any of this
to your face
because confrontation is terrifying,
i avoid it at all costs
which meant i avoided you,
i was too scared
that the words
would bubble out of my throat,
floating off my lips
and find their way
to your ears
to whisper all of my worries
and thoughts