I feel lonely in the way that creeps under a closed door in the middle of the night and wraps around you as you sleep.
A way that you wake up with in the morning when the sun still hasn't risen.
Somehow the tears aren't spilling down your cheek, but you know they're there.
No one else can see them.

I feel lonely in the way that wraps it's fingers around your throat in a crowded room.
Like when it's your birthday and you know everyone is there for you, but you can't accept that truth.
Your only thought is that everyone is fake, and you too must shine a false smile for this fictional scene.
No one knows the difference.

I feel lonely in the way when you look deep into a mirror.
The eyes staring back at you appear to be nothing but black holes. They are not connected to a body. You have no way of knowing if you exist or not. You touch your face, your hair. You smile, laugh.
You don't know yourself anymore.

I feel lonely in the way a heart stops beating. Like the feeling inside my chest. When every beat feels sharp from the excruciating pain it takes to keep breathing.
The thought that everyone in this world, including yourself is fictitious. A world you made up in your head. And if you were dead?
A dream is just a memory after all.

Shrouded in darkness
In my mother's keep.
She whispers to me,
"Beauty is only skin deep."

As I twist and turn
Inside this black womb,
Light peeks in;
I'll be born soon.

Into blinding light I cry.
"A girl with sass!"
Some guy wails,
As he smacks my ***.

As my mother feeds me
Men gasp at her *******.
She holds me close,
"Don't listen to these pests."

I am small
With big bright eyes,
He sneaks in
And forces life long lies.

I am growing
Parts of me are too.
And I try to listen to mother,
But I'm falling for fools.

"When you're afraid,
Just say no."
Mother never said
A guy would refuse to let go.

Smile.
Look pretty.
Blame other girls.
Blame yourself.

Things mother never said.
But when I feel threatened,
They run through my head.

A woman's worth is skin deep between her thighs.

It's something my mother would never say.
But the world has made me feel this way.

A dungeon.
Typically seen as  four solid concrete walls.
Chains and a cold floor.
A tiny barred window with no sun.
A bolted shut door.

But what if this dungeon is your mind?
The past haunting every inch, refusing to be left behind.

The world that you see is sunny and full of life.
But behind these eyes is a blackness so bright.

A blackness that ***** the sun into eternal depths.
Rose petals can never be kept.

And the cloudy skies somehow never rain.
And your heart can never feel the same.

The voices of encouragement...
They turn into sneers.

The feeling of hope transforms into hot spilling tears.

And as they slide right down your messy face.
You lay on the floor; such a disgrace.

Everyone is pointing fingers; look at her now.
"I knew you would fail"

I can hear that sound.

But somewhere in this blackness is the sun I swallowed up inside.
Some sort of redemption, I hope to find.

I tried to write of someone new,
But everything I wrote down,
Made me remember you.

I wanted to talk about his dazzling smile.
And the way it makes the air around me glow.
But then I saw your face.
Plastered on that smile that always knows.

I wanted to write about his eyes.
Oh, how the sun makes them gleam.
But then I saw your gaze.
That one that makes me look away.

I want to find out his personality and charm,
But then you start reaching out your arm..
And tell me things like,
"If only time was different."

I can only think that he'll be another you.
All of his dazzling features to haunt me in the time coming soon.

I guess I haven't grown very strong.
I still can't see your face and feel nothing at all.

I'm here.
Floating on.
Above the surface.
Not for long.

I'm sin.
That wraps around you in the night.
Makes your heart beat.
Gives you fright.

I'm heaven.
That you breathe in.
Lost in bliss.
Don't forget, I'm sin.

I'm gone.
In a moments time.
The sun comes up.
You're not mine.

Like a bullet shot through your brain.
You become intoxicated with pain.
If fills you up; the taste of "we".
Misery loves company.

Trust me when I say,
I won't make it through this day,
And when these lights do dim,
I'll enact my final sin.

When you come over late.
And my heart believes in fate.
But my mind knows much more.
My lifeless body on this floor.

Even if you loved me.
I would only bring you pain.
Because everyone I love,
It always end the same.

The best that I can do.
What's really best for you..
Is to leave you far away.
In the end regardless, no one ever stays.

Trust me when I tell you,
I cannot feel at all.
And when you say you love me,
That will be the start of our fall.

Because my heart is empty.
My mind is numb to pain.
Is it romantic if you watch
As my life begins to drain?

Here I stare, At this screen...
Until words come out.

In hopes that I can somehow convey this feeling...
What am I feeling?

An emptiness so hollow that my thoughts consume themselves.
Why won't the words come out?

Am I mad? Sad? Depressed?
Is this for a reason? Is it all in my head?

Okay, okay.
I'm lost so lost.

I've been trying so hard since you left.
Everyone always leaves.

But you were the only one that made me see...
I need to be stronger.

I need to keep pushing on.
At least until the words come out.

Sink or swim.
Time is thin.
Months to go.
I can't breathe in.

In you weave.
Secret steps.
Holding close.
Your deep regrets.

***** in my court?
That's all you can say.

Boy's games are child's play.

They think they're cunning.
They believe they're smart.
But they **** with poets.
They play with art.

Girls you see,
We play for keeps.
Russian Roulette.
Close your eyes... go to sleep.

It's always little things that take me back to you.

A lyric in a song.
A shimmer in the snow.
A dark lonely street.
When I have to let someone go.

The darkness of my own hair,
And how it looks against your skin.
The softest of touch,
And elegant curves that reflect your grin.

The sleepless nights in this apartment.
The photos on my wall.
The pain inside my heart.
You're image is in it all.

The journals that I keep.
The drawings I recreate.
The tears that fall.
All the things I hate.

Because of you I'm forced to live.
This new found notion; "I want to be strong."
Even though you're not around to care...
Who would have thought I'd make it this long.

You say you love her,
But you can't seem to remain true.
Please remember..,
I love a lot of people, but I am in love with you.

Today I saw pity.
Pity in eyes fixed right on me.

The girl that never knew love.
And the oh so perfect, He.

Today I guess was my judgement.
Patient fingers tap awaiting for my repent.
But to Him, I had none...
I feel it's been time well spent.

Little dove are you hurting?
Are you all torn up inside?
This love you keep trying to feel;
Where oh where could it hide?

The tides are changing quickly.
I see you becoming bored.
Every jagged knife stab...
When will a Prince come end it with his sword?

Empty hearts poor out sorrow.
Cracked hearts set the room a flood.
Having both just makes you hollow...
The water runs red with your blood.

Misery loves company.
But look, you're all alone.
Look at how you make them smile,
While your fragile heart turns into stone.

December is a cold month.
So cold.
So incomplete.

A time when nature dies,
Along with parts of me.

December is a month of dreary days.
Lit up with lights to mask the pain.

Holiday spirit.
Just an excuse to drink.

Food, family, friends.
It's all just more fuel to think.

I grew up to understand the Grinch.
Whose heart became so small.

And although these lights do warm me,
I want to crush them all.

December is a month of lies and of deceit.
It's not at all about spirit, rather a receipt.

I'd prefer sit alone.
A fireplace and a book.

Than sit along beside others, to have my heart led astray by some crook.

I think I'm cursed.
Like my mom... I guess it's true.
The way I get lost in all of you.

You seek me out.
The mystery that is me.
My strange coloured eyes.
And the slight curve of my body.

You somehow like the way I look.
But when I speak,
That's the true hook.

You fall for my image.
This broken little girl.
How she seems so miserable,
But makes your heart twirl.

Leads you on adventure.
Makes you misbehave.
You question your morality.
Yet feel more alive than you ever have.

I bring this beautiful destruction to all that fall too close.
They fall in love with nothing.

I can't be held on to.
And no one really wants to.

The only thing that I can promise,
Is an utterly tragic end.

It gets easier,
Waking up in the morning.
When the thought of you isn't the first thing in my mind.

When work and life become too busy,
I can't think of you because I need to unwind.

It gets easier,
Hearing your name everywhere that I go.
Because for some crazy reason,
Everyone, everywhere,
You know.

It gets easier,
Looking at others someway.
He is cute and kind.
But there are some things I just can't find.

Seeing your face and thinking,
How precious it is to behold.
Some days it's easier,
The others I don't know how much my heart can hold.

But that's the thing with liking you,
A reason that I always knew,
That we can never be,
You and I.

It's gotten easier,
Because I no longer cry.

But still when I think of your hair and lips,
I wish they were under my finger tips.

And I crave once again to see you some place.
Maybe it will get easier,
To stop my heart before it begins to race.

I can't wash the smell of you off of my body.
I can't rid your touch from my hair.
The way your tongue wraps around mine,
About everything else... I just don't care.

The feeling of your face won't escape my finger tips.
Your eyes staring into mine...
Some sadness behind them still.
I want to hold you until they shine bright again.

You touch my collar bones.
I hold your hand.
We hardly talk.
We communicate through bands.

I see the images her all around your place.
But I forget it all when you look into my face.
"Let's go to bed."
That's fine with me.
We can pretend we don't cause each other misery.

When you hold me in your lap.
Regardless of who sees.
Is it alcohol or loneliness that fuels this need?

I can't escape your touch.
I can't forget the sound of your breath.
I can't wash away the scent of you.
I can't dismiss your touch.

Do I love you so much?
Or is it all about  a chase.
A love I'll never have...
I guess it has an exotic taste.

Hey you.
My favourite you.
You're forcing my words again.

I told you the other day...
We cannot be friends.

I told you I love you.
I told you that you are strong.
I told you that you're the reason,
I've been able to fight this long.

And now you hover closely.
Using social media at it's best.
But before you didn't care.

Are you wondering...
What will life be like without me there?

But it's not love.
I know that's not what you feel.
Loss is rather strong...

Soon you can forget me.
Like I wish I could forget you...

When you cover up your sadness in her hair.
When you confess your worries in her ear.
When you press your lonely lips to random girls.

I'll wish I could take care of you.

You...
You are the best thing that could have happened to me.

Though your love may have my heart on lock,
You inspired me to be free.

Everyone looks right through me.
Every day they notice me.
But no one really sees me.

They touch me gently when I'm warm.
I'm a breath of fresh air.
They open me up with delight
When I promise a good day.

But when the sky turns grey,
They all turn away...
They can't handle the truth of my cold insides,
And so, they shut me closed.

I'm so easy to see through.
You think you can see right into the world.
But once you've noticed my cracks and smudges,
The outside never really looks the same...

Does it?

Don't fall in love with your friends.

Don't catch eyes with them across a party.
Don't notice how bright their smile shines.
Don't listen to the deafening beautiful sound of their laughter.

When you're drunk and alone, don't say,
"Can I lay my head on your lap?"
Don't notice the gentle way they touch your hair.
Don't admire the way they moved to the floor after you fell asleep.

Don't let the warm embrace go to your head.
When they kiss you,
Don't obsess over the perfection of their lips.
You need to know, he will never kiss you that way again.

When you cry together,
Don't believe it's understanding.
Just know you both are weak.

When you meet again,
Don't let your heart flutter.
Don't stare at them like they are the most beautiful thing in the world.
Don't.

Don't fall in love with your friends.
You need to know you'll never be anything more than that.

What if I told you I was dead inside?
That when I fall asleep, I feel the need to hide.
Hide from all the shadows that lurk around my bed.
Shield myself from voices swirling in my head.

What if I told you my life was stolen?
Had only I been miscarried while her belly was swollen.
I was never child. I had never had the chance.
But I keep telling myself, "All you can do is dance."

What if I told you I used to stay locked inside a room?
To avoid what's called a family as their presence would loom.
To hide in the bathroom after dinner almost every night.
Because every meal, offered a fight.

What if I told you the bathroom floor is my home?
The only safe place. Better off alone.
Hot water and porcelain friends.
It's the only place my pain ends.

What if I told you of blood soaked wings?
You wouldn't understand any of these things.
Maybe I'm crazy. I guess it's okay.
I never had hope you could stay.

I went into your room last night.
My intensions truly pure.
But when I opened the door,
Your scent was no longer near.

I crept into your bed again.
But you weren't by my side.
If I hadn't been so drunk,
I wonder would I have cried?

Your bed's no longer soft.
The sheets no longer warm.
No stuffed animal to lay beside.
No arms to shelter me from my storms.

I woke up in the morning.
There's not a trace of you.

The walls are bare.
Your belongings all gone.
This place is lonely.
I played your song.

This is goodbye again.
The thing I hate the most.
Time keeps moving forward...
Leaving me behind...

How do I say farewell to these images that keep lingering in my mind?

I don't want to call you, you.
I want to say your name.

You're not just a you to me.
Even though we can't be together,
I can't complain.

Even though each time we meet,
I think it rips us both apart.
You for being disloyal.
Me for my fragile heart.

Your face...
It's pure beauty.
Your jawline, smile, grace.

Your hair...
It melts through my fingers,
Whenever I'm in your embrace.

Your lips...
They seem to know me.
How they pull me closer in.

With you, being bad never felt so good.
For you, I'd always sin.

Your touch sends sparks right through me.
I wish I could have you any time.

But just like I can't force this poem...
I can't force you to be mine.

7:56 p.m.
I fell asleep to the thought of you.
Are you okay?
What's wrong?
What did I do?
I want to sleep beside you.

12:30 a.m.
I woke up to the thought of you.
Is he sleeping?
Did he cry?
Did he send a message?
These thoughts.. why?

1:00 a.m.
I'm restless with the thought of you.
I just want to sleep.
I don't want to picture your face,
Or the next time we can meet.

1:30 a.m.
I can't sleep to the thought of you.
You are poison in my mind.
Everything's a game for you.
I'm the piece that's left behind.

2 a.m.
I don't know where I'll be..
Can I drift peacefully to sleep?
Or will you haunt my dreams?
In my sleep, will I shed tears?
Thank for this pain...
I'll cherish it all my years.

Have I intoxicated you?
Wrapped my body around yours?
Taken you to places you've always wanted to explore?

Have I charmed you?
This sad little lonely girl..
Who is she? Why do I care?

Have I awoken you?
Do you see your dreams?
Can you hold them firmly?

Have I inspired you?
To be a better person...
To try your best.

I'm a curse and a blessing.
Both at the same time.
You won't realise it as our bodies are intertwined.

When I kiss you, you'll thinj it's just that.
But give it time..
The image of my face will keep coming back.

I will haunt you when you disappear.
When you think life will be normal again.

You'll remember this girl.
Who just wanted to be your friend.

Why did she do this?
Why is she that way?
Why is she crazy?
Why did we play?

Why did I fall for her?
Why did she fall for me?

Your head will search for answers...
But there won't be any...

Yeah... I am poison.
My kiss a deathly weapon.
My time a ticking bomb.

But my heart is the potion.
I've held so much love all along.

"Hey."
"What's up?"
"You up?"
"I want to see you."

You're not terribly important to me.

The look in people's eyes...
I had no idea that they could lie.
When you searched my soul to understand,
While under the covers I held your hand,
And you caressed my face with such smooth skin,
And for the first time I willingly let someone in.

"We can't talk like before."

...

So the pain of lonelinesss sinks back in, and blistering heat scalds my skin, while you hold her in bed at night, keeping our secrets to prevent a fight.

And what do I care. I don't love you at all. I only find myself wanting your call.

...

"Doors unlocked."
"For you it always is"

Now this you and I we have become, to hide from ourselves how truly glum we are. I say I don't need your texts at night, they don't even come unless I ignite, the idea. Your eyes lie too. Just like his. But you're quick to remind me not to make this more than it is.

...

"Goodnight."

You as well will fade away. My memory, just a girl you played. A fun story to tell your friends. A plaything for now until this chapter ends. My heart is empty. I can't feel. Until loneliness returns. My darkness is real. And so what happens when another flies away? Who will text my heart next for a chance to play?

I wish I'd known,
The day I grew up,
How ****** up I'd be.

See, I was just a baby
When you all chose to play me,
And no one knows a thing.

You, you had some habits.
Some scars your own home had left.
And you had no clue what you let lurk around our beds.

You, you had some habits too.
And the day I waited on my rock for you,
You never came.

One moment we are together
The next we are far apart.
You knew about my sister.
How was I so far from thought.

I wish I knew that when I grew up
I'd never feel very clean.
I wish I knew I'd learn more views, than.
Man that person was mean.

I wish I knew I'd hate boys.
And I wish I knew I'd always aim to be used.

I wish I knew that no matter what I do,
I'll always feel abused.

Familiar touch turned stranger.
I've been missing you lately, you know.
No I still don't love you...
But I wasn't ready to let you go.

I know that you're no good.
So pathetic you'd actually cheat.
I mean... I feel so awful for her...
We were both just thinking selfishly.

Selfishly... I guess that's it.
You selfishly wanted me then.
I selfishly want you now.
I wanted all your promises.
The friends we could have been...
You even wrote them down...
I carry the note in my wallet.
Broken words written in pen.
I keep it to remind me,
That a kiss will never make me feel that way again.

So wanted.
Your lips.
The focus of my attention.
Even in the photos I keep.
Your touch was the most gentle.
And yet also the most firm.
"How do you do it?"
I often wondered.

"I don't want you to knod your head.
I want you to tell me that you like it."
You taught me to use my voice again,
When for years I tried to fight it.

You showed me your heart
And told me your fears.
We discussed our families.
You let me see your tears.
You asked about my scars...
Why, when, where?
Even the boyfriend of six years...
He never noticed them there.

Maybe that's why I miss you.
Because you're unlike anyone else.
Everyone sees your outside.
But no one knows who you really are.
And now that we are close again,
You couldn't feel more far.

Promises, they're like me.
Always broken, never complete.
Sad because everyone that uses us
Are just about deceit.

But you've taught me too much to hate you.
Well...I guess maybe I love you a little now.
I wish I could keep at least friendship,
But the curtain is slowly closing now.
I try to say my last lines,
But you've already taken the final bow.