I feel lonely in the way that creeps under a closed door in the middle of the night and wraps around you as you sleep.
A way that you wake up with in the morning when the sun still hasn't risen.
Somehow the tears aren't spilling down your cheek, but you know they're there.
No one else can see them.

I feel lonely in the way that wraps it's fingers around your throat in a crowded room.
Like when it's your birthday and you know everyone is there for you, but you can't accept that truth.
Your only thought is that everyone is fake, and you too must shine a false smile for this fictional scene.
No one knows the difference.

I feel lonely in the way when you look deep into a mirror.
The eyes staring back at you appear to be nothing but black holes. They are not connected to a body. You have no way of knowing if you exist or not. You touch your face, your hair. You smile, laugh.
You don't know yourself anymore.

I feel lonely in the way a heart stops beating. Like the feeling inside my chest. When every beat feels sharp from the excruciating pain it takes to keep breathing.
The thought that everyone in this world, including yourself is fictitious. A world you made up in your head. And if you were dead?
A dream is just a memory after all.

Shrouded in darkness
In my mother's keep.
She whispers to me,
"Beauty is only skin deep."

As I twist and turn
Inside this black womb,
Light peeks in;
I'll be born soon.

Into blinding light I cry.
"A girl with sass!"
Some guy wails,
As he smacks my ***.

As my mother feeds me
Men gasp at her *******.
She holds me close,
"Don't listen to these pests."

I am small
With big bright eyes,
He sneaks in
And forces life long lies.

I am growing
Parts of me are too.
And I try to listen to mother,
But I'm falling for fools.

"When you're afraid,
Just say no."
Mother never said
A guy would refuse to let go.

Smile.
Look pretty.
Blame other girls.
Blame yourself.

Things mother never said.
But when I feel threatened,
They run through my head.

A woman's worth is skin deep between her thighs.

It's something my mother would never say.
But the world has made me feel this way.

A dungeon.
Typically seen as  four solid concrete walls.
Chains and a cold floor.
A tiny barred window with no sun.
A bolted shut door.

But what if this dungeon is your mind?
The past haunting every inch, refusing to be left behind.

The world that you see is sunny and full of life.
But behind these eyes is a blackness so bright.

A blackness that ***** the sun into eternal depths.
Rose petals can never be kept.

And the cloudy skies somehow never rain.
And your heart can never feel the same.

The voices of encouragement...
They turn into sneers.

The feeling of hope transforms into hot spilling tears.

And as they slide right down your messy face.
You lay on the floor; such a disgrace.

Everyone is pointing fingers; look at her now.
"I knew you would fail"

I can hear that sound.

But somewhere in this blackness is the sun I swallowed up inside.
Some sort of redemption, I hope to find.

I tried to write of someone new,
But everything I wrote down,
Made me remember you.

I wanted to talk about his dazzling smile.
And the way it makes the air around me glow.
But then I saw your face.
Plastered on that smile that always knows.

I wanted to write about his eyes.
Oh, how the sun makes them gleam.
But then I saw your gaze.
That one that makes me look away.

I want to find out his personality and charm,
But then you start reaching out your arm..
And tell me things like,
"If only time was different."

I can only think that he'll be another you.
All of his dazzling features to haunt me in the time coming soon.

I guess I haven't grown very strong.
I still can't see your face and feel nothing at all.

I'm here.
Floating on.
Above the surface.
Not for long.

I'm sin.
That wraps around you in the night.
Makes your heart beat.
Gives you fright.

I'm heaven.
That you breathe in.
Lost in bliss.
Don't forget, I'm sin.

I'm gone.
In a moments time.
The sun comes up.
You're not mine.

Like a bullet shot through your brain.
You become intoxicated with pain.
If fills you up; the taste of "we".
Misery loves company.

Trust me when I say,
I won't make it through this day,
And when these lights do dim,
I'll enact my final sin.

When you come over late.
And my heart believes in fate.
But my mind knows much more.
My lifeless body on this floor.

Even if you loved me.
I would only bring you pain.
Because everyone I love,
It always end the same.

The best that I can do.
What's really best for you..
Is to leave you far away.
In the end regardless, no one ever stays.

Trust me when I tell you,
I cannot feel at all.
And when you say you love me,
That will be the start of our fall.

Because my heart is empty.
My mind is numb to pain.
Is it romantic if you watch
As my life begins to drain?

Here I stare, At this screen...
Until words come out.

In hopes that I can somehow convey this feeling...
What am I feeling?

An emptiness so hollow that my thoughts consume themselves.
Why won't the words come out?

Am I mad? Sad? Depressed?
Is this for a reason? Is it all in my head?

Okay, okay.
I'm lost so lost.

I've been trying so hard since you left.
Everyone always leaves.

But you were the only one that made me see...
I need to be stronger.

I need to keep pushing on.
At least until the words come out.