trembling, she buttoned up each catch to hide the melody burned into her skin

my ramona

set free too long ago
a song sent to be heard only in twilight

your face has new lines — none of which sing
these are straighter, without rhythm
you have been reconstructed into a sketch
a new art claims your body
a new artist claims your body

why do you let your canvas have such a possessive audience?

beauty leaks from your ballads
you are not a pen stroke

my ramona

a.m.

You look like poetry walking
The most beautiful kind about the summer time and expensive wine

I wish I could write the way your body felt against mine using your textured tongue to stop time

All your ugly turns to delicate words from lips that takes turns on my hip bones then burns a novel into my skin

I wish I could share your story like one before bedtime as a child
Before my soul became wild like the flowers you shower me in

Your love makes me forget every part I wish I couldn't feel like a healer in the body of a king

I wish I could use each stanza of your mind to thank you for every time that you gave me a reason to breathe

today to reduce the friction ,
i imagined his hands were yours
his rapid gasps as your
slow sweet melody in my ear
a song familiar yet distant

it’s like the time we spent listening to loud muffled music through closed doors
we knew all the words but all we could hear was a thudding beat
and softened lyrics
or when the living room tv played an instrumental that i twirled to
in the kitchen over coffee
distant and soft
most things with you were like that
my version of you was like that

who you are to the world is an armor
a protected identity
all present and sharp
formed from your roots
spoken through a body canvas
and select dialogue
displayed in your recreations of
what you want so desperately to be
but underneath the armor is a warm bed
a dimly lit lamp covered by a bandana
a deep belly laugh with reservations
tears and fears and everything lovely

so when they ask me “do you miss him”
i will gently answer “no”
for one simple reason that
the “him” i loved died when he gave me a last distant and soft goodbye

im am now undesirably  happy
I was once desirably unhappy
but with sadness came comfort
self pity became my favorite sweater
and now overzealous joy is the cardigan  I thought I would never wear
in the back of my closet, where I wish it would have stayed
change came in every season
winter was now spring
how I longed for the snow
underneath my sorrow was ability
ability to understand
now understanding slowly slipped
from my finger tips
so do not gaze at me with a confused and disapproving glare
while you sip from your every morning coffee
containing precisely three sugars
and two creams

forrest fires in my head put out by your punctuation
because your pause between sentences feel just as comforting a your body close to mine
a savior in black and white written in galaxies before concepts of color were strewn about
the simplest shared breath took trajedy from terminal, to taking it one step at a time
safety cuffs on criminals with broken hearts as our only crime
we look to you to save us
and I was the lucky convict to catch your inquiring glance

Sit there silent but you want to scream
you're pouring your drink past the brim and it's bound to spill
you spill more than you poured ending up more than empty
you tried to keep the lid on for too long
And now you're bad you're going worse than ever
And you're leaking
a never ending dripping sensation of emptiness
But how can you be empty when you're dripping of a feeling worse than emptiness itself

repetitive words drip off your tongue
and I can't help that you drool in your sleep
but the nonsense to me is complete sense
maybe we sleep talk a different language

Slowly Slipping Sailing Soaring
subtle movement of my subconscious
Dripping Dangling Dropping Downwards
diligently losing my dancing dreams
Patiently Perceiving Passing Persistence
pretending to be what is perceived
constantly categorized can't continue
Slowly Slipping Sailing Soaring

the sunsets and the sun rises
creating each day and each night
and not once does it ask permission
the night will still be pink with light pollution
because of the single office illuminators,
found in every breathing building
the night shift family I never met,
will still glow behind little screens
or candle light thought bubbles and ink
the morning will still spill coffee all over him
but only on mondays, when he’s running late
mondays will always come
sunday mornings will still petition against alarm clocks
and sunday, hereself, will always win
it will rain and it won’t
either way, without me
a.m.

My ears pick up a sound
Of your knees hitting the ground
My heart floats away
As I beg for your life to stay

two lovers roam the city of steel and brick, lights flash each time he gently squeezes her hand
they are the heart of the city, pumping blood though the circulatory streets
one lonely lover watches the lights change out of the glass eyes from her apartment, cradled in blankets and detox tea, she is the skin of the city she feels each step the lovers take in every layer of herself
she is burned by the flick of lipstick stained cigarette love songs
she falls asleep that night to the same songs that **** them
a.m

The taste of your lips was almost as good as the last sip at the  bottom of the bottle
But the difference is I can forget that
Your words were almost as sweet as the coating on my pills
But atleast those were there to make me better
Your look was almost as bright as the sunrise
But I still see that daily
And your goodbye was almost as great as the scars
Both of which I feel forever

Now we're both strangers in our old lovers body
Full of forgotten conversation and that thought in the back of our heads
Because I know your mask is slipping and we both want to bring up past memories
But our tounge leaves them on the tip to be a sudden reminder that we can't shake
But we do shake it just like we shake hands and a lot like how our bodies use to shake
And then we walk along feeling more pain than the first time we said goodbye

these days without a dad are strange
in ways I wish I cared more about
things are suddenly easy to let go of
when you are tired and
you finally loosen your grip,
an ode to visceral reactions
things are simple to never need back
if nothing seems real
in the first place
it's never even that deep
just that picturing a future
seems more like
getting hopes up
there is an important distinction
to be separate from  "looking forward to something"
life grows disheartened when these two are confused
used too closely to tell
is this realism? or a ****** distraction
from the fact that
I wouldn't mind dying

& thats when  realized I never really grew up
Im the same confused little girl
Just now a band-aide and a popsicle
isn't going to heal me
It's going to take a mended heart
& forgotten memories
to fix the scars
a.m.

Tell me baby do you love her
Because let go of my hand if you do
Don't tell me baby that you love me
Because I can see it in your eyes, I lost you
a.m.

I’m sweet for you
boy covered in red and green, brand new
I’m sweet for you
even when I’m not
even when it’s true that I’m blue
I’m better because I’m sweet for you
sugary taste for you
even if I tell myself it’s not true
I’m sweet for you, through and through
I just wish it wasn’t you
because I don’t know how to be sweet too (like you)
a.m.

I had taken two steps farther again hoping you would notice the distance, but this time I fell off a cliff screaming for you to ask me to stay . I was floating, wondering, “if I died when I hit the ground would the bruises of my past hurt more than being gone?” I couldn’t decide so I just let myself fall. I was looking up to every sharp edge of my life that I had created as my body twirled through the air. I’m not sure why I couldn’t form any thought but “I wish I would have worn shoes, I always hated that my second toe was longer than my first”. Next thing I could remember was you shaking me. I could not figure out when I had reached the ground. You kept saying “please stay”, it was as if your voice was on some sort of prerecord loop. I had needed to hear those words for so long that when you finally spoke them I didn’t understand. How could you not keep your eyes open long enough to see I had been slowly walking away for quite some time. Why did it take the distant thud of my body hitting the ground to catch your attention? You had to realize; you are my only home. I had hoped for so long that you would remember to repair the roof and paint the walls that shade of yellow we loved. But the only bedroom that wasn’t falling apart was the one where you laid your head as you dreamt, and I wept.

flashback and I'm pulling at your heart strings and you beg for me to be tangled with you
it's innocence of our first kiss and promised everyone it's true
it's a bright afternoon but you swore to me im the only one that shines
and I'm not walking in a straight line but you promise everything is fine
the words you speak sound foreign to me and I won't believe a single character
I've been hurt so this is not new but I thought you were fresh air
the air is fresh and so are we and I can't think of better possibilities
but there's calm before the storm and I've never been one for tranquillity
opened doors and warmth in your look I feel safe with every breath that we took
but safety can only go so far and I caught glance of your wondering look
now it's doubled over pain from something not physical
and I can't seem to understand how someone full of love can be so cold
now it's coming back and trying to fix the crack but crazy glue is just a scam
searching and scanning for anything like a plan
I've never liked the plans you seemed to adore and that's were we fell through
because artificial blood can't replenish everything I lost for you
present day and were both alone with another breathing being and it's not you
we get better and worse with every old verse of songs I would sing to you
you're living now but I feel so dead from all the things that you've done
my favorite flower dies with the wind just as soon as you're gone

Eyes leaking
Shaking, shivering
but the worst part is you have to be silent
You have to stay strong for other eyes are on yours
Theirs too leaking, pouring
Your strength is their platform
but when your spotlight is gone and it is dark
You're weak
Quietly engulfing yourself in your own emotion
Waiting for the day when you reach your breaking point
When your eyes leak so much that they overflow
With your eyes, your lungs and heart follow
Slowly overflowing, slowly filling to the top of what use to be a beautiful body
That has now been corrupt with fake smiles and silent outbreaks

all of the worst things are compared to broken glass
so when my cup of tea shattered in every metaphorical way possible, I was not startled that you
"glued me back together "
when my life flew off the handle
because it simply got too hot
I did not burn my fingers, I just dropped the mug
every verse of poetry that contained the "I AMs" I related to the
I AM sad, lost, lonely, just holding ons
because now words were my constant flow, like a river
or any other clichè
I carried on to an ocean of possibility with you by my side
or just in sight
A God amongst men, like Janus appearing and opening the door to opportunity, to new love, to the precise definition of moving forward
because within each ray of your sunshine, was another freckle scattered on my smiling cheeks

Lets take a seat on cloud
Because that's were my heads at anyways
You know you have me soaring
When you talk to me in all the right ways
Don't get me wrong, you know wrong too
But I seem to block that out
Because when I'm in the sky, I only see you
And for once I have everything figured out
So take my hand and we'll jump to the ground
And have a picnic on the Earth
Then your touch will fly me to outer space
Which is the feeling I crave worst
Because while you're gone , trust me I don't forget
How it feels to be loved
And sometimes ,even my thoughts
Can take me up above

I do not understand why my shell is stronger than my soul
every single subconscious want is stuck in an eternal state of escape
slowly clawing away at my energy field
even the conscious thoughts I udder now are a work of my frontal lobe
a combination of fat and water that will one day be just that
what will it take for this exponentially real self of mine to erupt
too long I have sat in a puddle of this realization, this discomfort,
waiting
I am living as a shell of a person
stuck in a continuum of who I am and who I want to be
in this other reality, everything is an unexplored field
I am on a new level each time I turn the corner
no longer are there restraints
no longer do I feel this pain
my mind is not stuck in this body because I am my mind
I am my experience and that of which is experiencing me is my soul
soon drifting I become every electrical impulse,
and all of which is uncharged at the same time
no longer am I woman or even human
I am what is, what is not, and what always has been
now infinite, I escape

They tell me to forget, it's not worth it
But they haven't been there
They didn't feel my heart  escape out of my chest
They tell me you're no good
But they don't know you
They don't see behind the scenes
They don't see two passionate lovers
They dont see the elongated nights when we outshine the stars
They don't see how one touch can make my skin dance to no music
They don't see because they are blind to all but the negativity
The hatred that I seem to block out
The endless nights of short breathes and wet eyes I seem to forget
So maybe I'm wrong
Maybe they are not the ones that are blind
I am

she let out a sigh that lingered through the air & shattered the atmosphere like broken glass*
a.m.

my hands use to ache of sorrow as if my mind couldn't quite teach them how to cry as beautifully as my eyes could

yesterday we are here, giggling to each other about the gentle sleep noises we make, an entire night sky rests easy while I'm in your arms

tonight you are gone, I am wearing your sweater to bed, clutching the love notes you wrote me, there is rain and loud thunder while I scream

tomorrow I do not know where I am, I smell of liquor as I get tangled in a stranger that I will never speak to again, everything is dull and the people I walk by when I leave are faceless

Everyday after it is pitch black and pure white all at once, there is a single bench that I sit on, waiting for yesterday

It's like a game
You steal my happiness
I throw mine in your face
You steal it once again
We play tug 'o' war
But now you're running away
With my happiness
& without me all together

Picked apart piece by piece
Until there's nothing left of me
Gun me down like the twins
Put my heart into a bin
Save it for a  broken soul
Dont tell them it's my heart you
stole
Rip me apart shred me, cut me
Just forget who I use to be
Throw that memory in the trash
Take me, break me, till I'm
smashed
Burn me, throw my ashes away
And walk all over where they lay

writing took a backseat the moment I recognized how strongly it made me feel something

          —I stopped mid sentence

Don't forget to tell me your favorite song
because that's the last part of you I can hold on to
& when you walk on for good
I hope you know I'll walk the isle
& I'll walk off that cliff
to your favorite song

let me know when you've had your heart ripped out of your chest
but crash into the other lane where his stupid ******* lips are within a week
when ever subtle touch of something once so protective makes you squirm
make sure to tell me when your skin finds it easier to be pulled off than to be seen in a ******* mirror
then talk to me about being so in love that you can't do anything about it

my green eyes grow blue now that you're not around

easy breathing
you are the wind
sleeping lightly
                               i feel lightly
                               it looks lightly
                               you look lightly
at me
i am the wind
                          you are the wind
          we are breathing easily
early morning happy
waking up lightly  
                               slightly dazed
but still smiling

In all reality my broken wing isn't what's keeping me from flying , it's the idea of flying in general

You learn that you're not worth the goodbye he gave you
You're not even worth the tears you gave yourself
a.m.

It's tough when the only inspiration you thought you had, is broken too

When my heart seems to break
I see my paper gets more takes
I pour out all that empty space
&  put it in a different place
But should I trade my happiness
To change my writing for the best
Or should I take my broken smile
& maybe just wait a while
Should I hurt what I write
Or actually get some sleep at night

The wind so calm
  Whistling
   Whispering
Passing my ears
brushing my face and tickling my nose
Taking my thoughts see where they go

Because you shouldnt be scared when you wake up shaking in tears
You should be scared when the tears no longer flow and you're nothing but numb
a.m.

& right then she tore those pages out of the past & started to write again
a.m.

You get high to create a new reality of this **** you call life
You get money anyway you can because you need cash to fuel your addiction
You get angry because you get caught and your new found reality gets torn to pieces
You feel suffocated because the only way you know how to breathe is through smoke
You grow depressed because the only company you had was your broken thoughts
But sometimes it's not only you that gets affected
While you get high, the ones closest to you become confused
While you sell and steal, your little sister wonders why her mommys ring is in your drawer
While you get angry your mom gets scared because she just lost her little boy
While you  grow depressed your parents grow apart because they feel like they've failed
While you ruin your life
you ruin everyone else
you smash and break and scrape
and you bring every one down to where you are
because if you think your restless nights and paranoia is bad
think about what everyone else goes through
just so you can ease your pain with a temporary healer
your parents feel like failiers
your siblings feel so lost and unprotected
and you
you feel bad for yourself because you lost your high
because with withdrawal it brings selfishness
and you feel like you're going crazy
well try losing your mind
because you failed at the one job you had
just take a minute
look at it through something other than than self pity
use a new perspective
maybe just use some heart
because when you lost yourself
you lost everyone around you too
a.m.

Sometimes I wish the monsters underneath my  bed
would come out and creep and crawl
and scare away the monsters in my head
Because sharp teeth and horns
are nothing compared to my thoughts
a.m.