If I ever lost you,
I wonder if these buildings would begin to scare me too
If I’ll have to breathe when there’s no breaths left in me
If I’ll have to lose my way, my mind, a few more times before learning it’ll all be alright
I love you for every misunderstood understanding
And I’ll love you when nothing feels right

October is the whisper I left in your hair,
The slow train that took my breath and took me home.
Our jaded arms and twisted tongues
Mumbling something just senseless enough
To prove some sort of makeshift love.
Prior days are gone although I seem to forget.
Makes me think of mossy eyes and suits with ties.

She watched as a couple of gingersnap-colored cats darted across the road- their eyes on the prize of one particular patch of sun residing on the driveway of a neighboring home. It has been a long time since she has felt so strongly about anyone other than herself. She crossed the street to follow them, checking the desolate road with an abundance of caution as if to say "Look at me! Look at me! I care so much about my life. So much. So so much!" Although who she was shouting this at is unclear. By the time she reached a pet-able distance from the cats they had already risen from their spot and darted under a nearby wire fence. Now so far out of reach of her hands. She tucked her bony fingers away back into her sandpaper pockets and continued walking.

    I wouldn't say I want to die anymore. In fact, more and more it seems I am becoming an ambassador of life. I quit smoking a couple months ago and I'm a stickler about speeding now. I used to find it corny when people preached focusing on the simple joys of life but I guess there is some truth to that sentiment. I feel better. I do. But a part of me is still rotting- I can feel it. I feel it now, standing by the tracks where my dad and I used to melt pennies. I do not want to die but some form of magnetic tar stuck inside me creates an unspeakable pull for me to go lay down on these tracks. I won't do it though. And that's what is really interesting about all of this. I never do it. I miss my dad. I really do. But something about being back here in this town, staying in my childhood home, I feel really close to him again. Now a new thought comes to life: The only place closer to him than where I am now is death itself. The sound of the train grows louder. Louder. And some{thing} urges me to stay.

“It occurs to me that I really can't remember your face in any precise detail. Only the way you walked away through the tables in the café, your figure, your dress, that I still see.”
And I can’t say it much better than that. Except it wasn’t a dress but, in fact, a cotton tee. Not the tables but the way the streetlight bounced off your jaw. I don’t remember your voice anymore or even the words you gave me. I can only dig my fingers deeply into the body of your laugh.

All fair things are rotten inside
Infused grey bits of debris collide
Graceful wings waltz, their charm has ended
Into a wreckage of all things splendid

I've consumed all of your dark matter
Studying every piece of phantom amber  
In those remnants, I feel a hush
Like echoes from a decanter's rush

At times I do not trust my mind
My thoughts are often mixed with wine
I wonder: "what if I die?"
You tell me: "what if you don't."

"You're mine, you!" whispers in the back of the room. A subtle reminder that I don't think you'll ever leave. You're weird. You're broken. You're everything I am. You're everything I could never be.

When my Dad asks me about my day, or lays out plates like I'm still a little kid. I dream about dull days. Those stupid ruts we couldn't shake. You're mine, you.

It's just the flickering lights. Not your eyes. Not the bitter taste of your white tongue. My ****** gums. The ache of waiting. Of running but never making it. Always looking for the silver lining of your glasses on my nightstand. My crooked nose. Gentle reminders that you'll never leave. Warm and carmine reminders that you will never leave.

My heart should be well-schooled. Because you know I've been fooled in the past. But it's always beating just too late for love to last. "Your hair looks like champagne under this lamp." Do you remember how hard that made you laugh?

That one night we cracked the window, just to let the smoke fly out. I remember thinking "it'll go further than we ever will." As the trumpets began to sing, your bony little fingers started reaching at the stars. It's funny it's not the stars I see, it's always you.

But we'll carry on. We'll carry on. After all, I know there could never be another you.

Only so few times will we
Find ourselves below these leaves
With drunken pleas
Spilling out our
Worn down tongues

Five times now I’ve caught your eyes
Trickling down my spine
Twice I asked you to never leave me
Once you promised to stay

And when it’s over
I think I’ll laugh.

A few steps forward
Crash in the leaves,

Wisps in your hair
Bites on my knees,

Blood on my hips
Your wrists,

My back
Your scratches,

One night
Attaches,

Two souls
A racket,

I fall
You catch it,

My lips
Attacking,

Our bones
Are cracking,

A glimpse
Of him,

In you
I rest my head,

Your collar,
I'm dead.

I sway with your shadow,
taste your sweet air,
cry in the silver light,
and profess I don’t care.

I'm compelled to go back,
For it's cold and damp here
But how can I go?
When I know love is so close, so near.

Pristinely set the table stands
On its waxed floor perfectly glossed
All the chairs are waiting nervously
Their feet tap along

I picked out the ribbon (it's pink!)
Beautiful, but not so flashy
Shiny, but yet so classy

But now the clock is shaking
Your chocolate cake is melting
And all the kids are wailing

Now the house is burning
The curtains I am sewing
I can not keep on going

Happy birthday, you
I’m sorry the house is up in flames
I don’t know how to pass the days
I guess I’ll smear cake on your grave.

I called you candor cause that's all I know
A no-good cheap thought mixed up and off the tongue
Do you like the way my hands slip and slide
Jammed covered and gnatty
When my legs are ****** and my stomach is bumpy
My heart is damp with grief
When I grab you
You're perfect
Two large chunks of flesh placed upon a spring
"I want to eat you"
Use my claws and slice you
That's all they say about you
You're him
The boy that makes girls go crazy
Tear you up
Into whatever you're made of
Leather and tobacco or something dark and hot

Thank you for inviting me into your home
I really enjoyed the stay
I didn’t mean any harm
But the itch was just
Unbearable on my skin
My hand was up
And down again
Before I could even
Think
That my hostess would be dead
On my hand
And thigh
A black smear

And then you take a second to stop and look around at all the people

Laughing chatting chewing

She’s leaning across the table
into him
dipping her hair into her dish

He’s snatched the check
and patting
all a thousand of his pockets

Their lives are so different than mine

And then you think about the cards you were dealt

Well my parents are still together and my best friend is dead

And when I drink my coffee too late I can’t sleep
cause my blankets
feel like hands
choking me

Some mornings I wake up hours past noon and wish I was still asleep

But we are both here now
Laugh chatting chewing
Breathing blinking living

So how different are the cards really?

Forgive me for all the times I was too stubborn to say
"I want this" and "I want you" and "I'm really just afraid"
I wish you'd dissect my words the way you'd dissect a poem
Cause I miss you and I think it's about time you come home
So let's forget my nervous laughs and flimsy little shrugs
Come over here, quickly, for our love is far from done

It wasn't the first time I brought someone to that spot
And it certainly wasn't the last

But we were both one sip deep
And the frost was eating at your nape

So you stole my hands from my lap
Cause they just looked cold

And that was good, it was good like that
Your hands suffocating mine, our bones about to break

Your eyes peering down at mine
Then up and down and up again

You were so alive then
Like the lively sun on that unfriendly winter night

It wasn't the first time I brought someone to that spot
And it certainly wasn't the last, for me.

For only so long can you be the girl
Empty-eyed and cold
Because they will grow sick of your behavior
Jealous of the blank stare you’ve become
The shell you’ve polished so well
And that’s funny to me
Because to them
Sunsets are still just sunsets
And to you
Every ray of warmth
Is just another joy
His skin will never feel
He will never again squint in the sunlight
He will never again feel the beads of sweat dripping from his brow
But to them the heats a nuisance
Another reason to hate life
Another reason to hate the living

Under the same streetlight where I used to know
You stand hands in pocket, hips pointed out
You know, that's the same way my lover used to stand
A little careless, a little confident
Like you aren't sure if you'll fall but
Either way, it doesn't scare you
Even when your hands are bound
Between the two pieces of fabric
A gum wrapper, some coins
You know my dad said he'd shoot my girl just for standing like that?
You shoot a sly smile and melt into the night
As I melt into the satin and give God a kiss goodnight

You say you love me,
But do you love the way my skin dimples in the light
Of my bathroom, you know, the one with the hair crusted sink
That my mom finds the strength to clean once a year
Cause you were raised on silver spoons and shiny silver plates,
Who the hell on this Earth needs a silver plate?
It seems you have become a prisoner in your own home
And I hope you'll look past my mother's maiden name
So that we can become the kids you know we are
Skipping stones into puddles, catching mud in our jeans
As I bleed on the concrete and you bleed into me

So as we sat in the pews of your wooden home
And laughed at the lines that broke our bones
We kissed between the words that told us no
What else could we do to fill the holes

It's your forbidden touch that I want the most
it's your distant glare that touches close
Oh your smile, I'd love to boast
Secret love where no one knows

So many people
Blowing up my phone
Yet somehow
I still feel so alone

just like that
you became just another stranger
who knows what keeps me up at night
and knows what makes me feel alive

it was the night we got high off of our youth
we soared through the sweet strawberry sunset
we didn’t talk
we didn’t have to
it was just me and you on a wednesday night
forgetting the world
and at last,
being at ease.

a mess of words, hopelessly lost
I’m sorry that we never got to fall in love.
I’d give you my heart but someone else stole it first and broke it like a stone to a stained glass window-
I’m sorry that we never got to fall in love

the hardest goodbye is to the passerby that you don't even know.
the one you fall in love with, sort of

Sometimes, for a split second, I imagine that I am perfect for you.

I am your other half.

We fit together the way that two hands bound by love do.
We are together as I lean my body in towards yours, slow dancing underneath the chandelier, to feel your presence just a bit better.

My darkness gives you a light to shine inside the black abyss of my flower-filled lungs. Bury me and place my grave next to yours.

And in whatever lies beyond this world, Dance With Me.

Dance like the music is what runs through our veins. Dance till the stars spin on their own. I won't ever fit in your heart the way I am.

the moon comes and goes in these beautiful tidal waves
my love I am drawn to her,
our flame ephemeral
but I’d trade my saltwater laced eternity for a moment of your starlit bliss
her voice a million harps being strung by the delicate fingertips of angels
her eyes the sea glass at the bottom of the ocean.

if you were a constellation
I would lay with my back pressed against the ice-cold grass to witness your miracle
she sees a shooting star, she wishes for love
I stand by the ghost-white evergreens
suddenly I don’t feel so big
the snow-coated mountain reigned over the land
but I, I can keep my own
I’ll follow you forever, don’t you worry
I’ll even follow you until the blisters on my tongue stop me from praying
through the monochromatic bliss of winter
the snow now silences the warm pulse of my heart beat
an arctic December, i’d expect nothing less
the ethereal skies scream of the unknown and the clouds yearn for me

I love you and I hate myself for it but I’d never stop loving you to love myself

Our love, a match
You, a Marlboro evening
We share every warm sunset.
I'm not sure when we'll finally burn out but at least I'll have the ashes to prove that we really, really, did try.
You, a lighter, ignite my flame
let the sparks never die.
After all this time still wishing and wishing upon shooting stars for you
my one true love.

the best angels fall too
smile darling
it's okay
my wings spread a final time before my
d e s c e n t
heaven baby wish me free.
i'm not a prayer but say my name in your sleep

i grab your hand and tell you kiss me
and you do
but it's only a dream

far too often I find myself gazing in her direction.
her smile fades as she catches my glare.
I’ll never be the one that she loves.
I watch her glamorous eyes illuminate as she laughs.
her laugh is intoxicating.
she’ll never love me.

heaven, darling
open your eyes
see the milk and honey the world brings
heaven, child
don't let the absence of light change your heart
heaven, angel
see the earth in all its glory
heaven, my love
do not ever let your aureole slip

i tell him everything about you because some nights i wish that he would learn to be a little more like you

It's because when I broke you held my hand.
I fell in love with you not because I wanted to.
I fell in love with you because you asked me how my day was when nobody else did.
I fell in love with you because after all this time you still remember everything I told you.
Not only did you listen, but you remembered.
If I could rewind the time I swear I would make it up to you,
b u t   i   c a n t
so instead I just say you were the one that got away.

maybe if i close my eyes long enough the night will steal your name from my mind and at last, put me to ease

your heart as sweet as a date i will never forget

love is seeing you and forgetting that anything else exists

you light a match,
i fall in love.
just like magic.