It's because when I broke you held my hand.
I fell in love with you not because I wanted to.
I fell in love with you because you asked me how my day was when nobody else did.
I fell in love with you because after all this time you still remember everything I told you.
Not only did you listen, but you remembered.
If I could rewind the time I swear I would make it up to you,
b u t   i   c a n t
so instead I just say you were the one that got away.

Thank you for inviting me into your home
I really enjoyed the stay
I didn’t mean any harm
But the itch was just
Unbearable on my skin
My hand was up
And down again
Before I could even
Think
That my hostess would be dead
On my hand
And thigh
A black smear

For only so long can you be the girl
Empty-eyed and cold
Because they will grow sick of your behavior
Jealous of the blank stare you’ve become
The shell you’ve polished so well
And that’s funny to me
Because to them
Sunsets are still just sunsets
And to you
Every ray of warmth
Is just another joy
His skin will never feel
He will never again squint in the sunlight
He will never again feel the beads of sweat dripping from his brow
But to them the heats a nuisance
Another reason to hate life
Another reason to hate the living

you light a match,
i fall in love.
just like magic.

love is seeing you and forgetting that anything else exists

your heart as sweet as a date i will never forget

maybe if i close my eyes long enough the night will steal your name from my mind and at last, put me to ease

And then you take a second to stop and look around at all the people

Laughing chatting chewing

She’s leaning across the table
into him
dipping her hair into her dish

He’s snatched the check
and patting
all a thousand of his pockets

Their lives are so different than mine

And then you think about the cards you were dealt

Well my parents are still together and my best friend is dead

And when I drink my coffee too late I can’t sleep
cause my blankets
feel like hands
choking me

Some mornings I wake up hours past noon and wish I was still asleep

But we are both here now
Laugh chatting chewing
Breathing blinking living

So how different are the cards really?

i grab your hand and tell you kiss me
and you do
but it's only a dream

Why are my feet so **** cold?
My head is feeling dull
The glass sure isn’t half full
How do I stop from growing old?
Shaky hands, cancelled plans
I’m so sick of feeling gray

Pristinely set the table stands
On its waxed floor perfectly glossed
All the chairs are waiting nervously
Their feet tap along

I picked out the ribbon (it's pink!)
Beautiful, but not so flashy
Shiny, but yet so classy

But now the clock is shaking
Your chocolate cake is melting
And all the kids are wailing

Oh how the house is burning
The curtains I am sewing
I can not keep on going

Happy birthday, you
I’m sorry the house is up in flames
I don’t know how to pass the days
I guess I’ll smear cake on your grave.

heaven, darling
open your eyes
see the milk and honey the world brings
heaven, child
don't let the absence of light change your heart
heaven, angel
see the earth in all its glory
heaven, my love
do not ever let your aureole slip

I don’t love you anymore

but somehow the moment I fell in love with you keeps replaying in my head like a broken record.
over and over and over and over
I’m going to lose my sanity.
we fell-
I fell in love in an instant.
something that will hold me down for an eternity,
but I don’t regret it.
I dream these vivid dreams of falling into your warm embrace
one..
   more..
       time....
but then the memory of your arms around me slips away into the oblivion me and you both feared we would meet one day.

I still love you.

if you were a constellation
I would lay with my back pressed against the ice-cold grass to witness your miracle
she sees a shooting star, she wishes for love
I stand by the ghost-white evergreens
suddenly I don’t feel so big
the snow-coated mountain reigned over the land
but I, I can keep my own
I’ll follow you forever, don’t you worry
I’ll even follow you until the blisters on my tongue stop me from praying
through the monochromatic bliss of winter
the snow now silences the warm pulse of my heart beat
an arctic December, i’d expect nothing less
the ethereal skies scream of the unknown and the clouds yearn for me

a mess of words, hopelessly lost
I’m sorry that we never got to fall in love.
I’d give you my heart but someone else stole it first and broke it like a stone to a stained glass window-
I’m sorry that we never got to fall in love

yes i write about you a lot
and no it’s not cause i miss you
ok...
maybe that was a lie.
but my life isn’t you it’s just
             second lie
i write about you because i know you
and
it’s easy to write about something you know inside & out and
back and forth
forwards and backwards
i write about you because your name is comfort
and I write about you because maybe I’m afraid of leaving the familiar
but who
        cares.
              I’m w r i t i n g
and it’s not for you.

i tell him everything about you because some nights i wish that he would learn to be a little more like you

“It occurs to me that I really can't remember your face in any precise detail. Only the way you walked away through the tables in the café, your figure, your dress, that I still see.”
And I can’t say it much better than that. Except it wasn’t a dress but, in fact, a cotton tee. Not the tables but the way the streetlight bounced off your jaw. I don’t remember your voice anymore or even the words you gave me. I can only dig my fingers deeply into the body of your laugh.

I love you and I hate myself for it but I’d never stop loving you to love myself

So many people
Blowing up my phone
Yet somehow
I still feel so alone

far too often I find myself gazing in her direction.
her smile fades as she catches my glare.
I’ll never be the one that she loves.
I watch her glamorous eyes illuminate as she laughs.
her laugh is intoxicating.
she’ll never love me.

the best angels fall too
smile darling
it's okay
my wings spread a final time before my
d e s c e n t
heaven baby wish me free.
i'm not a prayer but say my name in your sleep

Our love, a match
You, a Marlboro evening
We share every warm sunset.
I'm not sure when we'll finally burn out but at least I'll have the ashes to prove that we really, really, did try.
You, a lighter, ignite my flame
let the sparks never die.
After all this time still wishing and wishing upon shooting stars for you
my one true love.

I struggle to tie my shoelaces today
You don't hesitate to swoop in and double knot my sneakers so perfectly

Only the way you could.

I loved getting lost in lavender skies and mansions with you

Only if it was real.

just incase you’re wondering
I’m still here for you
like I’ve always been
just know if you ever change your mind
I’ll be patiently waiting until the day I die.
I promise you that.

"You're mine, you!" whispers in the back of the room. A subtle reminder that I don't think you'll ever leave. You're weird. You're broken. You're everything I am. You're everything I could never be.

When my Dad asks me about my day, or lays out plates like I'm still a little kid. I dream about dull days. Those stupid ruts we couldn't shake. You're mine, you.

It's just the flickering lights. Not your eyes. Not the bitter taste of your white tongue. My ****** gums. The ache of waiting. Of running but never making it. Always looking for the silver lining of your glasses on my nightstand. My crooked nose. Gentle reminders that you'll never leave. Warm and carmine reminders that you will never leave.

My heart should be well-schooled. Because you know I've been fooled in the past. But it's always beating just too late for love to last. "Your hair looks like champagne under this lamp." Do you remember how hard that made you laugh?

That one night we cracked the window, just to let the smoke fly out. I remember thinking "it'll go further than we ever will." As the trumpets began to sing, your bony little fingers started reaching at the stars. It's funny it's not the stars I see, it's always you.

But we'll carry on. We'll carry on. After all, I know there could never be another you.

Only so few times will we
Find ourselves below these leaves
With drunken pleas
Spilling out our
Worn down tongues

Five times now I’ve caught your eyes
Trickling down my spine
Twice I asked you to never leave me
Once you promised to stay

And when it’s over
I think I’ll laugh.

It's your forbidden touch that I want the most
it's your distant glare that touches close
Oh your smile, I'd love to boast
Secret love where no one knows

the moon comes and goes in these beautiful tidal waves
my love I am drawn to her,
our flame ephemeral
but I’d trade my saltwater laced eternity for a moment of your starlit bliss
her voice a million harps being strung by the delicate fingertips of angels
her eyes the sea glass at the bottom of the ocean.

How do you stop loving him when you told him that nothing would ever stop you from loving him?
No matter how many times he broke me I built myself back up.
I picked up each piece, saying sorry in between.
I never stopped to wonder why he did not help me.
I ask him:
If you love me, why do you hurt me?
He tells me he doesn't hurt me
He tells me that he doesn't break me
He tells me that the shards I am recollecting were placed by me.
I was blinded.
So careless of me to believe that I was the reason that I was shivering and shaking in bed, sobbing uncontrollably.
You refuse to take the blame.
Every time that I wept from your words,
the problem was the tears streaming down my face
not what caused them.
I want nothing more than for him to feel the way I did.
Just for a moment
For a brief moment
I want him to feel all of it.
The feeling that everything are you is falling apart.
My world, spiraling out of hand.
How could you do this to me?
Every night was sealed off with a
"Goodnight I love you."
The closure that kept me comfort.
The promise that he would be here for me when the sun rose.
The promise that no matter what
he would be by my side.
Reckless.
Everything I did was reckless.
How was I supposed to know that letting him back in would get me hurt over and over again?
The warnings from all my friends.
I'm not stupid.
Deep down I am sure that I knew the consequences.
No matter how many times I gave in it still felt worth it to me.
I became weak just to have the security of him.
He was my world.
How easy it is to give in to the constant temptation.
I'm sad.
All the time.
This numbness is becoming unbearable.
Was it the same when I was with him?
Why do i vaguely remember feeling better when I was with him?
The constant ache in my heart,
The empty feeling in my body.
I want to get out,
but he won't break me again.

I hate every moment of silence I've had to take for you
I hate every bowl of grapes paired with a slice of melon
I hate all of those stupid gravel trails, especially when they're damp
I hate that you loved me
I hate wearing that beautiful black dress with the beads
I hate that stray cat with its heart-shaped nose
I hate calls from anyone else at night
I hate running when you're not there to tease me
I hate crying on my good days
I hate that you were the best love I've ever known
I hate how you wheezed when you laughed
I hate your bad posture
I hate every email I get
I hate that you didn't say goodbye
I hate all the sympathy
I hate the heaps of food that I can't eat
I hate that you held my hand that night
I hate the way you'd sing to me
I hate how well you knew me
I hate the hymns I mumbled at your funeral
I hate that you left me
I hate that you were drowning
I hate that you aren't next to me right now
I wish you were still around.

All fair things are rotten inside
Infused grey bits of debris collide
Graceful wings waltz, their charm has ended
Into a wreckage of all things splendid

I've consumed all of your dark matter
Studying every piece of phantom amber  
In those remnants, I feel a hush
Like echoes from a decanter's rush

At times I do not trust my mind
My thoughts are often mixed with wine
I wonder: "what if I die?"
You tell me: "what if you don't."

It wasn't the first time I brought someone to that spot
And it certainly wasn't the last

But we were both one sip deep
And the frost was eating at your nape

So you stole my hands from my lap
Cause they just looked cold

And that was good, it was good like that
Your hands suffocating mine, our bones about to break

Your eyes peering down at mine
Then up and down and up again

You were so alive then
Like the lively sun on that unfriendly winter night

It wasn't the first time I brought someone to that spot
And it certainly wasn't the last, for me.

A few steps forward
Crash in the leaves,

Wisps in your hair
Bites on my knees,

Blood on my hips
Your wrists,

My back
Your scratches,

One night
Attaches,

Two souls
A racket,

I fall
You catch it,

My lips
Attacking,

Our bones
Are cracking,

A glimpse
Of him,

In you
I rest my head,

Your collar,
I'm dead.

just like that
you became just another stranger
who knows what keeps me up at night
and knows what makes me feel alive

I called you candor cause that's all I know
A no-good cheap thought mixed up and off the tongue
Do you like the way my hands slip and slide
Jammed covered and gnatty
When my legs are ****** and my stomach is bumpy
My heart is damp with grief
When I grab you
You're perfect
Two large chunks of flesh placed upon a spring
"I want to eat you"
Use my claws and slice you
That's all they say about you
You're him
The boy that makes girls go crazy
Tear you up
Into whatever you're made of
Leather and tobacco or something dark and hot

If I knew that day, what I know now,
We would've spent that night together
At our spot
Legs crossed
But hands bound together
You'd lean forward
And I'd lean back
And we'd do that silly little dance
For hours
And it wouldn't matter
Because it would be me
And you
And your heart
Would be beating
And mine would be too
And I'd feel it
In your wrists
In the heat of your breath
On my neck
That you'd bite at
As a joke, of course
A gesture of satire
Because we were so different
Never like the other boys
And girls
Fooling around
At that same spot
Our spot
And you'd pull me in
And I'd lean
Closer
Just about as close
As I could get
Without breaking it
Then I'd laugh and
Throw my head right
On your shoulder
But you'd cup my chin
And bring me right back
So I could look
Into your eyes
They're blinking
But I can just barely tell
It's too dark out
But they're blinking
And mine are blinking back
Now your hands are collecting
My gallons of palm sweat
But you don't care
Cause you say your hands are
"Too dry anyways"
And then I'd say
**** it
And break it
Cause it's your last time alive
How could I not
It's your last time alive

for every extra step
    taken in the cold
I'll worship you

I'll worship you
    and your hands and hips
and lips and legs
    and knees and nails
I'll worship you

for every thought
    every sinful thought about
your form
    and its curves
I'll worship you

And when you've made up your mind
    And I've made up mine
I'm home and my Husband
    Is Coming
Home
from Work
And dinner is on the Table
And two kids
3 and 4
sit at the table
A Boy and a girl
And all is good

Cause I'll worship you
when I'm dead
under the gates of heaven
I'll get
down
    on my
knees
and worship you