This girl is in love with a girl who wants to be a guy.
She said all his features look right.
She calls him her boyfriend & doesn't think twice.
She wears his t shirts like the other girls do their boyfriends.
She says the he carries himself is tall & strong.
But something must be wrong.
Because this girl is in love with a girl who wants to be a guy.

Took me 18 years to realize I didn't want to really live because I wasn't living.
You're not living when you feel like you're dying everyday.
You're not living when you break down & cut lines across your skin like tally marks.
You're not living when you can barely breathe.
You're not living.
But you're alive & there's nothing you can do about it.
Pain & suffer.
It's a game.
You're facing your own monsters because you learned they weren't hiding in your closet but instead they're hiding inside you.
You're fighting against your soul.
Your body.
You don't know how to defeat them without defeating yourself.
So what do you do?
You give up.
You lost.
It's over.
Good night.

Walk.
Don't run.
You might miss the morning sun
Or you might forget to breathe.
See, it's easy to get caught up in the world.
If you're always looking down at the technology no bigger than a basketball then you might miss out on your partner looking at your lips just waiting...
For a kiss.
Or
Maybe if you're stuck at work in a cubical typing with the sounds of a hundred clicks a minute then you might miss the chance to see the rainbow after it rains or
the little man with the *** of gold.
Just walk for a moment for the sake of our generation.
Let go of the idea that technology runs us & get outside & run with your dog or actually get down & play army men with your kids.
One day it'll be too late & the world we know will no longer be a world
We want to live out.

I told you I'd do anything for you.
I told you I'd give you my coat
when you're cold.
I told you I would love you
even on your worst days.
I told you I'd travel oceans
just to see you.
I told you I would kiss you
when you were hurt.
I told you all these things,
thinking you'd do the same
in return.
Turns out,
you kept your coat so
so you wouldn't freeze.
You took your love back,
when I was struggling.
You didn't even cross puddles
if it meant you had to get wet
just to see me.
You wouldn't kiss my scars,
which hurt me
second most to you.

I never hated you.
I never wanted you to go away.
I just needed you to change.
From ever since I was little
I wanted you to be what I like to call
Better.
Different.
I wanted you to be who you're suppose to be.
There's no where to go.
I wanted to wake up
& you just be a dream.
I don't want to hide behind this frame.
I don't want to run & cover & avoid obstacles.
I never hated you.
I just wanted to be me.

I will give you my hoodies
when you're cold,
even if I'm cold too.
I will buy snacks when you're
in the mood for something sweet.
I will rub your feet after
a long day.
I will try to fix your car problems.
I will cook for you
at 2 in the morning.
I will run your bath water &
wash you down if you're too tired,
or not feeling well.
I will run to the drug store
whenever you need medicine
so you don't get sick.
I will kiss all your booboo's.
I will buy you little gifts
& I will clean the house for you
just to give you a break.
I will hold your hand so you
don't feel alone.
I will kiss you right before you go to sleep
& right when you wake up.
I will love you.
Oh yes,
I will love you.

For years of feeling trapped.
For years in hiding.
For years of making everyone else happy.
I quit.

I'm breaking open.
I'm busting my shell to pieces.
I'm tearing the walls down for good.
For me.

I cut my hair.
I dressed how I wanted.
I am who I am.
For me.

But I'm still trapped.
But I'm still in hiding.
But I'm still not me.
I'm lost.

With these breast.
With this voice.
With this body.
I'm not me.

My *** won't define me.
My looks won't save me.
My voice will hurt me.
I need to change.

I'm forgetting society's idea of "normal."
I'm not a 'princess,' I'm a 'prince.'
I'm going to be happy.

Trans.

No more pain.
No more hiding.
No more being scared.

You toss & turn at night
Trying to find comfort.
You think you got it till
Your body aches.
You realize why the
Comfort isn't there.
It's because no one is
in that bed.
No ones there to comfort
Your head.
No one is there to save you from
Those bad dreams.
No ones there to steal the night.
We toss & turn & fight at night.

You see these little lines?
You stop to think what those are from.
You think you know but you're unsure.
You want to ask but you know what it's like.
We don't talk about it.
You know they aren't just scars.
You know they're the demons I fought
at 3 a.m.
You know they are my deepest insecurities & fears.
You know want to ask but you know what it's like.
We as people never wanted to feel this.
No one understands unless they know what those little lines are.
You don't have to ask because you know exactly what they are.
You are, I am, we are...
depression.

I remember
Those brown eyes
I had a dilemma for almost an entire day
Is this love?
I lay down on my bed
Just thinking of that girl
These thoughts were a wonderful escape from the present
She ran through my mind
Spun dreams of
Wanting her. & those brown eyes
I started to think..
Details upon details, playing with the fragments of my dreams.

I need a light on when I sleep.
It's because I'm surrounded by darkness & I'm scared it'll swallow me up if I step out of this light.
I feel the pain taking over my body.
I feel the pain sinking into my veins. I'm barely hanging on to the last bit of the light you once gave me.
But darling you're gone & all I feel is that darkness over my body.
You've created this darkness & now this darkness is me.
Lonely. Darkness. Covered me up like a sea washing over me.
I'm not who I was before & you're to thank for that.

I think our eyes play tricks on us.
Am I really seeing her with bruises?
Am I really seeing that man sleeping on the street?
Am I really seeing her arms marked like tally marks on a test?
I think our eyes play tricks on us.
Or am really hearing silence in the family home that should be filled with laughter.
Or am I really seeing the kid at school wearing the same things over & over?
No.
I don't think our eyes play tricks on us.
I think our eyes see the truth of our world.

Don't you hear the sound of my voice
that I'm tired.
The voices in your head tell me to
stop but all I do is run.
Im tired.
I want to stop
& walk
& talk about the pain
in our hearts because I
assure you're not alone.
Rescue me from the deep trench
Ive sunk myself into.
I dug myself into to.

You.
You're nothing but
Broken promises
&
Broken dreams.
You.
You're nothing but
a liar
&
A cheater.

Teacher lectures.
Talking students.
Busy hallways.
Quiet librarys.
Running in gym.
Crying in chem.
Numbers & letters.
Words in a book.
Lockers slamming
& jamming.
Study.
Stress.
Test.
School.

I've spent hours of days of a week for months
just to get you out of my head.
I think I get closer everyday,
until I hear a certain song
or see something that reminds me
of you.
No matter how hard I try,
you're always there.
Walking around inside my head.
Stomping, causing me headaches.
I haven't talked to you in months,
but there you are on the radio
or there you are on the internet.
You're everywhere
& nowhere all at once.
Aren't you tired?
I know I am.

I couldn't sleep last night
& that's because you weren't there.
I need you by my side at night
& here is why.
I need your warmth
when I get cold.
I need you fingers tracing my
arm to help me sleep.
I need your body
so I can feel safe.
After all, I need my
soul mate
so our hearts can sync.

The problem is,
they think they're better.
The question is,
are they really?
They're no better than the man
sleeping on the streets
& they are no better than
the girl over there who can't make ends meet.
they're not better because
they have nicer clothes
or that fancy car that
park itself.
They'd be better by not degrading others.
They'd be better by showing they care.
But people are selfish, harsh & careless.
Don't be like those people.
Help out, volunteer, show you care to
those who have it harder.
This is our only world, our only
life.

The scars are a constant reminder
of what we've been through.
It takes almost everything
we have, not to add onto
the tally marks
lined across our skin
when everything we go through,
breaks us apart.

Poetry
The Beach
Alcohol
Pizza
&
you.
Are my favorite things.

The problem with relationship
today is that people
don't respect other
people.
Like, hello?
They're in a relationship.
Back off.
Another problem,
the cheaters.
You're suppose to commit to
one person.
Give them your all.

Its all messed up now a days.
Trust, commitment, respect & honesty.
Try it sometime.

She's dangerous.
The way her eyes pierce your soul.
The way her kisses are deadly to your body.
Her touch will melt your skin.
Her love is powerful enough
to sweep you off your feet.
That girl,
she's dangerous.
But you,
you like the danger.
You're addicted to hers.

For so long I've felt trapped inside my head.
I've wanted for so long to break out
& be free.
I've felt the pain long enough.
These scars can't hold me
back forever.
I will shine.
I will
overcome this monster.
I will defeat
the demon inside
my head.

I'm not just lesbian,
I'm human.
They're not just gay,
they're human.
& you're not just straight,
you're human.
Gay marriage
is just marriage.
We don't have gay or lesbian
feelings.
We have feelings.
We hurt, cry, smile &
are happy, too.
We're no different
than the rest.

You can be happy
or you can be miserable.
You only get one life.
You decide.

If you fall in love with me,
you'll be falling in love with a big nerd.
I like to read & I'll love to read to you.
I like to write & I will even write little
love poems to you.
I think forehead kisses are cute, so you'll
get some of those too.
I like museums, & parks.
I even like playing video games,
& I'll ask you to play with me.
I get overly excited about the science
channel on tv.
That's how somethings would be,
if you fell in love with me.

If I didn't have cores to do,
I'd stay in bed all day with you.
We'd cuddle, kiss & watch movies all day.
If I didn't have ten thousand things to do,
I'd stay in bed with you.
But,
I do, so I can't.
That's why I enjoy coming home to you at night,
8 to 10 hours of cuddling with you tonight, baby.

You kissed my cheek softly,
before you left.
I always hate when you have to go.
Why can't you stay here
with me forever?
Why can't you leave her & stay with me?
You always talk about it,
but you never do.
I'm tired of being second.
Baby...
stay with me.

Never thought I'd be happy,
until I met you.
Never thought I'd smile again,
until I met you.
Never thought someone could love me,
until I met you.
Never thought we'd be together,
until you showed me.

It's late in the night
& I want to show you whats right.
I'll take you to a whole new height.
I'll be the one who protects you,
just like a knight.
Up in the air, do you see this sight?
I'm not talking about the moonlight.
Darling, I'm talking about you tonight.
I can hold you tight.
There might be a problem though,
the sunlight is coming up.
I'll invite you again tomorrow,
we'll see the starlight,
once again. darling.

Autumn is around the corner, darling.
The air gets colder, & the trees start losing leaves.
Autumn is beautiful.
Orange, red, yellow colors everywhere.
Late nights, cool air.
Cups of tea.
The perfect cuddling weather.

Food owns my heart.

I wish I could go somewhere.
I want to travel & explore.
But I'm stuck here. Not much money
& I'm stuck inside a teenage body,
stuck with restrictions.

I searched the streets for you.
I've searched the church
& your house.
I didn't give up
so I searched the sky.
Surprised I saw you.
You were up there looking
down at me.
I miss you, please come back.
But I know it's silly to say that.
Knowing God took you for a reason.
But I really miss you

If I could build my perfect soul mate,
I'd build it like you.
My soul mate will
have beautiful eyes so I can get lost in them at night.
& long arms so they can hug me tight.
My soul mate will have a sweet voice,
so I feel comfort.
But I don't need to build a soul mate,
because I already have you.

I miss being a child who
didn't give a care for the world
except playing outside.
I remember playing in the back yard
all day till it got dark & momma yelling for
me to come in for dinner & to shower
before bed.
I miss not worrying about anything
except what stick I wanted to play with.

Music speaks besides the obvious words.
Music tells us it's okay to be different.
Music tells us don't let that boy hurt you
anymore.
Music tells us things we don't want to hear,
but we need to.
It'll tell you what some people are too
afraid to tell you.
Music blocks out the noise & pain we feel.
That's why we connect to music so much.

You have the power to make me feel anything
just by your words that slip
through your beautiful
lips.
You can make me
feel on top of the world,
then
tear me down & make
my heart ache.
You have the power to break me,
but I gave you my heart.
Knowing you could do it,
hoping your love is strong enough
for me, that you won't.

You're here for me,
& I'm here for you.
You're what comforts me,
I'm what covers you.
We fit together,
I swear were meant to be.
We look at each other,
& get lost in each others eyes.
The deep brown of yours,
& the shallow green of mine.
Your touch sends sparks through my body,
& my touch gives you chills.
Being together is our own kind of fairy tale.
We'll have a happy forever.
We fit together.
We love each other.
That's our own feeling.
One no one can feel,
ever.
We stick together,
like each others doctor.
You heal me, &
I heal you.
Darling, I love you
& I know you do too.

I've always worn my flaws
on my sleeve.
You have always looked past them.
I get frustrated easily.
You get up & hug me.
You have always been there to make
me okay.
You're what holds me together,
when I'm about to break.

Lets go to the park,
& play on the jungle gym
like we are 7 again.
Lets chase each other through
the sand
& then slide down the slide.
Lets swing on the swings as high
as we can,
pretending to be birds in the sky.
Then when it gets dark,
lets go back to our real age,
& lay in the grass together
& watch the stars in the sky.

I hate you
&
it's all because of how you treated me.
No ones fault but your own.

You're like a drug &
I'm addicted.
I can't get enough of you.
Your kisses are the most powerful.
I think I need them everyday to
survive
&
when I go a day without them,
I go a tad bit crazy.
Your touch could be a drug as well.
I yearn for it in the latest hours
of the night.
You're also my cure
from what you have me addicted to.

Is it really that simple to write?
Or is it more complicated than that?
Is it me reaching inside my head,
to the deepest, darkest places
just go grab the words I need.
To twist, & bend those words
to become sentences that easily flow from line
to line?
To crumble those sentences, then
toss them onto a page,
hoping they become
a sentence with
well thought out structure?
So, when you go back & read,
it's this beautiful writing?

I often talk out loud.
But it doesn't seem to bother you.
I know I talk in my sleep about
my awful past.
But it doesn't seem to bother you,
either.
I know I rant about the pain.
But that doesn't seem to bother.
After everything I do,
you listen.
You care.
You're different.

Shadows come in different shape & sizes.
Everything that light touches has
a shadow.
You're shadow is one thing that you
will never get rid of.
It's always there.
No one can take that away from you.
After all,
it is
you.

My birthday is tomorrow,
but I don't care.
My birthday is tomorrow,
but it's just another day.
My birthday is tomorrow,
but it doesn't matter.
My birthday is tomorrow,
& I'm just one day closer to death.

It's hard to find someone who can sweep you off your feet.
But, I did.
I found this girl who showed me what
its like to really be in love.
She's the girl you'd have your parents meet.
She's so sweet.
She was unexpected.
But she makes me feel protected.
I feel safe.
I feel like I belong.
I see her,
& I smile.
She is love.

If you could see what I see through my eyes,
you'd see how I look at you.
You'd see that I look highly of you.
You'd see that I'm happy with you.
You'd even see that I fall harder
when I see you smile.

If you could see what I see through my eyes,
you'd see my eyes only see you.

You're tired.
You're lonely.
You're hurt.
You're alone.
You're broken.
You're sick.

You are depression.