It starts as a whisper
And it grows
A flip of the hair
Curiosity flows
The majesty in a walk
Interest tows
Chance meetings
Are planned stows
Hoping to share a glance
Desperation sows
Reality takes over
Sadness woes
It returns to a whisper
No one ever knows

I wore a smile
To cover the stain
Swam in the bottle
To ease the pain

Quick with a quip
Ready with a joke
My anguish never passing from my lip
Levity my cloak

Smiles became heavy
Strains bled thru
In the mirror a shell
Of a man I once knew

The light house has gone dark
No guide in this storm
Acts once unheard of
Now are the norm

Where is my savior
The light to lead my way
Where is my Angel
To lift this endless night
And resurrect the day

Reached the bottom
Nowhere further to dig
          Powerless

Had no answers
Something beyond  "I"
The answers are to big
        Believe

Releave this ******* of self
Reliquish control to life's gig
      Turn it over

Past's dark doors opened
With the courage to face
What demons that may trig
     Fearless inventory

In the presence of the triology
Purge your ***** laundry
Freeing yourself of burdens
     Admitted wrongs

Come a point
Where these shackles
You no longer need
    Ready to remove

At foot of bed
Bend down and plead
To that beyond the "I"
To remove all that makes you bleed
     Humbly ask

Gather the names of those
Caught in your wake
    Made a list

To them give back
What wasn't yours to take
       Atone

With burden shed
Self removed
Feel the peace that you've never knew
     Conscious contact

With gift in hand
Tale in tow
Go and share all you know
      Carry the message

Destiny is determined
There'll be no eternal bliss
Fate was sealed with it's fatal kiss

No longer thinking for yourself
Letting it's calling
Be your compass

Surrendering your mental fortitude
Allowed it to be broken down
From a constitutional latitude

Diagnosed as terminal
Malignant raging attitude
Againgst all humanity
Expressed in displays of moral turpitude

Hope's light is fading
Darkness moving in
The battle is waged daily
Never seen but alone
The screams are empty
From a voice without sound
For this battle is my own

Personality like two sides of a coin,
Duplicitous in nature...
Both the cause and the cure,
This is the infinite loop in my mind,
Minute to minute for all of my time..

Serendipitous in it's naive essence,
Living for that fortunate happenstance ..
While the residue past transgressions,
Poisons future endeavors' chance...
This is the infinite loop in my mind,
Minute to minute for all of my time..

Both sinner and saint in the same line,
Posing as the executioner and the accused all in one mind..
This is the infinite loop in my mind,
Minute to minute for all of my time...

So I tread on through life,
Happiness within reach with my own hand dragging me down...
Things will be different because of the people that surround,
They give me the strength and desire  to deny my demons...
This is the infinite loop has been broken,
Which existed in my mind...
Minute to minute for all of my time

When you're always grasping
For control
You're to occupied
To see the beauty
In order to truly be in control
R
  E
    L
     A
       X
Become the passenger
The view is more rewarding

Her voice fills my soul
with melodic harmony
Every tone, pitch, ebb and flow
A surreal tranquility


The soft, mesmerizing allure of her eyes,
Beaconing me to rest my heart there
A haven where no evils lies


The touch of her hand
Upon my head
Soothes any pain
I've ever felt
It all falls into place
In her stead
No more angst,
The uncertainty does melt


Without trying
Not an effort gained
She completes me
Without trying
This undying bliss
my heart is forever stained

Mistakes are teachers
Life lessons learned
Unseen doors opened
From bridges burned

Allies turn enemies
Friends become foe
Death do us parts
Now have knives in tow

Brown eyes on faces 
Green with envy within
Bestowed the smallest of power
True colors now show


Virtue is earned
Loyalty shines bright
When you're the lowest
Stalwarts join the fight

Brutus now exposed
Healing has began
The ides failed in their treachery
Adversity defines the man

Now rise, rise up
From the ashes of hate
Your future has just started
With happiness it's never too late

Surrounded by the multitudes,
Yet feel alone...
Engaged in trite narratives,
The voices merely drone....
This unquenchable emptiness,
I drown with intoxication...
Only to wake from my stupor hollower than before,
Choking on hate and distain...
Desire and ambition are smothered by pain,
As the grip tightens on the throat of my soul,
The pit in my gut grows and grows taking it's toll...
Every moment slipping deeper into the abyss,
Until nothingness is an addiction I just can't resist....
Go on existing until my last breath,
Living without life, is worse than death

Minute after minute,
Time upon time...
Past loses weigh on my mind,
My only salvation is this pen on this line...

Raised to be strong,
To show not a fear...
Bury the pain,
Shed not a tear...

The soul aches with the burden,
My mind cries out for release...
But my face remains stoic,
The lips not a crease...

To scream with no voice,
This is my curse...
My only salvation,
This ink and this verse

Filled with self resentment
Arrogantly blaming others for your concept

Win one battle
Like a fool you think you’ve won the war
With false confidence you once again…
Dip the chalice for just one sip
One sip becomes two
Two becomes six then six becomes never enough

You regroup for a breath
To prove you can evade it’s grasp
So you challenge the storm alone
For another round…

Just like all the times before
Your arrogance is the noose
Before you can swallow that next breath
Your neck is locked in it’s grip

Tidal wave after tidal wave crashes over you
Dragging you down and further down
Allowing you come up for just enough air
So you won’t completely drown

Smashing those that love you
Against the rocks of your lies
By now you’re so consumed
Their screams don’t make a sound

The demon is now your guide
A vicious voice of incoherent reason
With no conscience or consideration
Using your fear as fuel
Possessing you body and soul
With every breath
Self-pity and anger are his tool
Shattering the Myth of all that you were
Until your death

Hypocrisy to what you preach
Expecting standards of another
You, yourself can never reach

Guised as a victim in your speech
Painting yourself the saint
The all knowing prophet
When pointing fingers is all you teach

Your mirror is no more than a rose pane
In it your lacks shine as another man’s toll
Pleas for reason fall in vane
All collapsing at your need of control

Perched upon your pedestal
Passing judgement all the stay
At all costs emotionally vigil
For it’s always “Your Way”

Hypocrisy in what you teach
Learn to practice what you preach

Frosty Beer Bottle
Revisit Never The Norm
   An Old Life Dies

Easy to love
And easier to hate
Oh how things changed
From our first date

That cute little giggle
Once had the heart all a float
Now when it's chortled
Wanna rip out your throat

I once was " the biggest"
And always " the first"
Now my genitals have "shrinkage"
And I'm " the worst"

Thought you were a treasure
My good morning peach
Instead you are fool's gold
An emotional leach
With feminine hygiene
Of something washed up on a beach

I'd say I'll cherish our memories
But that would be lies
You're evil incarnate
The bowels of Satan
Wedged up in your thighs

I am a work in progress
Sometimes every step forward
I counter with two in regress

My insecurities come out
At my weakest times
When I feel trapped, insulted
Blindsided by my own reactions
They never show any signs

Assess before replying
I need to step back, take a breath
Instead of lashing, and yelling,
Giving stares of death

I am surrounded by great supports
Those that forgive my weaknesses
Pick me back up when I've tripped over my own landmines

To them I'm eternally thankful
Their kindness I can never repay

I am a work in progress
Doing my best to make them
And myself proud of me everyday

Life heckles my happiness
Every positive I gain
Must be countered with a sadness
Of a loved ones torture and pain


Momentum shifts from good to bad
Each exaltation  of bliss
Is followed with an echo gone mad
A celebration, a moment to rejoice
Finds itself mirrored
With the sound of a past pain's voice


Clouded by guilt  for wanting to smile
Offering a shoulder
Holding back your my own tears
All the while


Wanting to please all and make not a foe
This task is impossible 
When my conscience is at war with my soul


To pick a path or ride the fence
Decisions, decisions,decisions
My sanity the expense


Am I asking for guidance 
Am I praying to above
Should I give into compliance
You must pay for love 
Happiness isn't Free

The purity of your whisper,
Takes my breath away...
The amazement in your eyes
With every moments gaze...
Each feeling a first,
Every vision new...
A miracle without knowing,
Melting my heart with everything you do...
I stand over you while you rest,
Mesmerized by the beauty you possess...
Now come lay here on daddy's chest,
That is when life's the best

The effervescent shadow,
That a beautiful soul doth cast...
I dive deep thou it's shallow,
Soak it in ,it will not last...
Poignant rays of light,
Flashing, spraying,screaming
Blinded by the sight...
A nano second in real time,
Lasts eons within ones mind...
The beautiful soul the rarest of finds,
It's essence breathed in,
Devours the pain of life's rind...
Be lightened,be freed,
Because in it's presence, we shall no longer need...

Your soul it merges into me
The air we breath as one
In hopes we live in infamy
A future brighter than the sun

What was up is down
Clouded mind spirals away
Grasping at sanity as if it were a sound
Hoping to clutch but a word
When there's nothing left to say

How can there be so much pain
From feeling nothing at all
What once we placed upon pedestal
Now passes judgment becoming petty and small

You vowed to be eternal
So I succumb without a fear
How'd forever come so quickly?
You stand stoic, shedding not a tear

My soul had become mine again
What was cloudy is now clear
The vale of treachery has lifted
The healing had begun
Now that your finished,
I've been reborn
My future is brighter than the sun

Your way, You stay
Never changing- No Sway
Your Say, You Slay
Head Games- You Play

I'll take it on Me...

Your feel, you peel
Fake heart- All Steel
Your deal, you kneel
My Fate- You Seal

I'll take it on me...

Your ill, you till
Innocent blood- You Spill
Your pill, you fill
No Empathy- Results Nil
I'll take it on me...

Her fingers run through my hair, bringing purpose to my life....
Old demons creep back
Only to haunt me
Igniting flames from the smoldering embers of a dark and buried past....

Her fingers run through my hair, bringing purpose to my life....

One sip, one taste, one drunk
How easy it is to crawl back into this fast.
But this only dulls the pain
This cure does not last...

Her fingers run through my hair, bringing purpose to my life....

It's unsettling to submit to the good and trusting it will last...
When in this play called life,
the part of villain is the only role
We have been cast...

Her fingers run through my hair, bringing purpose to my life...

With faith I extinguish the flames
With hope I quench my thirst
With love I allow myself a new future and with it a glorious past...

Her fingers run through my hair, bringing purpose to my life

Old habits of another life,
Constantly creep in
Polluting my soul with its strife

Do I deserve love? Am I worthy?
These questions that forever haunt me
Feeling numb has no judge, has no query

An emotionally joust within my own mind
To open my heart
I must step away from
These walls I hide behind

There is a comfort in loneliness
A sanctuary from feeling
Where time is of no consequence
No desire to smile or take a chance
Never wanting to laugh or dance

But existing without living
Isn't living at all
To never risk being hurt or taking a fall

Risk, reward is an equation that's answer is steep
Balancing protecting your feelings over the treasures you may reap

These are the demons I face everyday
And the constant fight not to drink them away

The battle is both inside and out
Ulcers and anguish are it's trophies
Time to put down the bottle
And face life like a man
Not with shots of tequila and pulls from a can

Time to plunge into the unknown of what could be
Embrace the love that's in front of me
Free fall backwards into her radiant clutches
Stand on my feet without  inebriated
crutches

You wish, wonder and wait for them to appear….

Yearning for their attention, imagining them as something so grand and magical…

And when they do grace us with their presence they vanish as quickly as they appear and they never meet up to even half of our expectations…

In the end we wish they stayed in our imaginations where they were something worth desiring and filled us with hope

This hole ,this hole of woe,
My heart brakes and keeps breaking,
For the piece that was stole,
Life takes and keeps taking

Lessons that remained to be taught,
From a life taken to soon,
Respect for the courage of the fight that you fought,
Teaching mortality we are not immune

Song plays on the radio,
Movie comes on the t.v.,
You're always in my ears,
In everything I see

My spiritual reminder,
Steering me on my path,
In essence as in flesh,
When I'm feeling lost,
You have been my finder

So I search my soul,
Looking for life's answer,
I see your smirk,that funny face,
With a tear I can't help but smile,
Knowing you're up above,
Protecting me all the while

I sit and I query
Analyzing past mistakes
Until my eyes are to weary

Over and over
In my mind they play out
The couldas, shouldas,wouldas
What if I just went homes
Instead of stayed outs

The past is like your shadow
Beside you when you're high
Over you when you're low

Learn from it what you must
Have it guide your future
Teach you what to trust
Live for what matters
Not for what you lust