i know what it means to be lonely and un-happy, i know, i know. Know. no. Act happy. i wish you’d hit me till i’m complete rock bottom broke. That’s why. Things are so fake and surreal it’s weird, it makes me feel alone, but reminds me I’m not the only one who’s empty suffocating in irony. People are stupid and awkward like thoughts. - i keep deleting myself because i'm stupid, but i want this to stay.

Where are you off to? A pickup game inside a palm?
Punishing heaven? Well why didn't I think of it?
Perfectly absolutely incredibly perfect...kind of.
Because John says excuse me every single time you poke him in the head.
Because the lemon juice-making machine is frozen for now.
Because I can't reach my grapes or my Florida anymore.
So cheers to you.
Cheers to your weekend gettaways
and your Friday gettaways
and your Thursday gettaways
and your wens,tues,mondays gettaways
They aren't here anymore.
They've left.
or you've compromised for Saturday
Florida has made an appeal for mercy from the
ghhhh
grand jury.
...close enough.

i do not know why i am
Such
a
broken
*****.

I cannot think of anything but my tomorrow and even
my yesterday, and how I ****** so much so I will again

I cannot hear you ask me if I'm okay, my heart beats in my ears, I am shaking so hard that I drop my juice and then
I
cry

if even for a moment I am sure of something, I'm sure an angel has touched me

I've got this much to do, and I say this as I
Stretch out my arms and you copy me except
You say you love me that big

but I do not believe you so I shut you out
because that is what I do
I am that little girl who can't stop writing dreams on my skin
or writing nightmares on my bones

I wrote '*****, ******, ******, *******, fatty, freak!' on my bones (and my bones are breaking) even though a few had never been spoken to me, but I
I could see them on lips that housed cigarettes
and maybe ***,
and possibly alcohol.
Lips that kissed pieces of bodies that should stay hidden
until we're older.

and all of these things, everything hurts and I'm doing everything
wrong

And I'm crying and I'm asleep because I'm anxious
I'm afraid

r.c.

i tried to look through your eyes today

at me, me, the girl who trusted you, (who trusts you, maybe...)

i saw a girl who sat, almost at your feet for God's sake,

and let words pour out of my mouth like i was
throwing up last nights dinner, because i hadn't eaten that night

and i saw a girl who couldn't face the mirror, because she
doesn't know how to act around strangers

there was a girl who made me sad, made me wish i could take
all the pain away

i saw a girl who was constantly HIDING (no, i was just... okay, maybe i was hiding) in too big sweaters and buns, long sleeves and leggings

dear GOD, its nearly 90 degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?

because she has squiggly ink on her arms she doesn't want you to see

oh, oh but i figured it out

she wears these things because she's hiding

this is what you see- you see me, like nobody else

ever

has

r.c.